It had become a common thing for me to end up sitting on the porch by myself
in the evening since Joe got himself killed. It was awfully lonely, Neil, my
best and only friend, who's Joe's son, had gone to live with his grandparents
up in
Tonight started off the same, except when I got tired of sitting by myself,
I went in and pulled out a chair and sat down across from Tom. What was
different tonight was he had a bottle of whiskey in front of him and a shot
glass in his hand. Tom rarely drank. He glanced at me and went back to staring
at the bull's head. He'd filled a jigger and slowly sip it until it was gone,
and then did it again. He downed three jiggers while I sat across from him and
silently watched. "You going to drink yourself into a stupor again?"
I asked. He'd drunk until he passed out a couple of weeks ago and swore he'd
never touch the stuff again. I guess the pain of his loss just got to be too
much to handle. I knew he held himself responsible for Joe's death. Though it
really wasn't. Joe was a grown man. He had known that bull was a killer. Tom
wasn't even there when the bull got him.
Tom ignored me. He glanced despondently at his glass and went back to staring
at the bull's head, occasionally taking a sip of the whiskey. Eventually, I got
bored waiting for him to say something and got up and headed to bed. I shucked
out of my shirt as I walked toward the stairs. I knew my pants were hanging
half off my sixteen year old butt. Whether Tom would notice and get a kick out
of it I doubted. When I was younger he'd joke with me about wearing my pants
like that, and stick his finger it the top of my crack making me squeal. But
when I hit puberty he stopped. I know he still looked, because I'd caught him a
couple of times. He'd just grin and shake his head. But that was before Joe's
death. Now nothing seemed to delight him.
My mom and dad were killed in an accident when I was four. The sheriff who
was my dad's best friend took me to live with Tom. Tom's my uncle. Well, to get
it straight, he's not related by blood. He is the son of my granddad's first
wife and her first husband. She died leaving Tom for my grand dad to raise.
Grand Dad then married my grand mom and they had my mom. Since my grand dad
formally adopted Tom I guess the right expression is step uncle. All of my
grandparents died before I was born.
It was a hot, still August night. I could feel the heat coming out of the
walls. My window and door were open to let any cross breeze through. I was half
way dozing off, lying on my stomach, bare-assed like I had slept my whole life,
even in winter, but of course in the cold months I had a pile of blankets that
I slept under. Now even a sheet was too much. I felt like I was being watch and
raised my head to see Tom standing in the doorway looking at me. "Are you
okay, Tom?" I asked.
He just stood there with his shirt in his hand, staring at my sixteen
year-old body. He wouldn't look me in the eye. I got this crazy idea in my head
that if I could seduce him, maybe he'd take me as his lover to replace Joe and
he'd get over his mourning for him. Of course this wasn't all altruistic. Over
the last couple of years I'd had many jackoff fantasies about Tom. Seeing the
smoldering look in his blood-shot eyes had me lusting after him even more. My
dick was poking a hole in the mattress. I really wanted him to make love to me.
I thought the time had come even if he was drunk. I knew in my demented sixteen
year old mind he'd never touch me, even drunk, unless I did something to push
him over the edge. I squeezed my butt cheeks making dimples, clinching and
releasing. I was very aware of Tom staring. I stared back at his hairy pecks,
his brown nipples peeking through all that curly brown hair made my dick even
harder as I rubbed it against the sheet.
At sixteen I was still a virgin. Once when I was around thirteen, I'd seen a
magazine once with pictures of men doing sex things with other men. One of the
boys at school said he had found it. We all looked at the pictures and made
derogatory comments about queers. All our pants were tented, but that didn't
mean anything. Seemed like mine were that way most of the time. I never let on
that I liked what I saw, but I figured I'd probably never get a chance to try
any of it. I'd caught Joe and Tom in a passionate embrace once in the barn when
they thought they were alone. They were kissing and rubbing their hands all
over each other's body. I was only twelve and I got embarrassed and left before
they saw me. But I often dreamed that I was Joe and that Tom was making love to
me like that.
Tom dropped his shirt in the doorway and moved to sit on the edge of my bed.
He laid a big calloused hand on my butt cheek. I could see the want in his
eyes. He'd never touched me this way before. For the last six years the only
physical contact I could remember from this big beautiful man was an occasional
pat on my back or ruffling my hair. Mixed with the lust in his eyes was a faraway
look. Like he was reminiscing, maybe about Joe. I could see that if something
was going to happen I was going to have to be the aggressor. Tom was not going
to do more than what he was doing. I raised up and knelt beside him. It was
then that he finally looked me in the eyes. I smiled at him and move toward
him. He didn't look away, but he didn't move either.
I placed a hand on his chest, running my finger through the thick curly
hair. Tom closed his eyes and moaned. I moved up against him, and placed my
lips against his. I'd never kissed anyone. I didn't know what to do from there.
I felt Tom's arms come up and embrace me. With one hand behind my head he
commenced to kiss me, forcing his tongue between my lips I automatically opened
my mouth and allowed his tongue to explore. My other hand came up of its own volition
and clasped the back of his head as I took over the kiss, forcing my tongue
into his mouth. Suddenly he pushed me away, wiping his hand across his mouth.
"Stop it, Billy. I'm more'n twice as old as you. This isn't right. You're
a minor. You want me to go to jail?"
I was crestfallen and feeling like a fool. I knew it was wrong. I knew that
Tom could get into bad trouble letting me have my way with him if anyone ever
found out about it. As I looked into his red bleary eyes I felt like a turd for
having tried to seduce him. Still if he would've given in I know that I'd of
gone through with it. And that made me feel worse. I've loved Tom for as long
as I can remember. Tears dribble down my cheeks.
"I'm sorry Tom. I know it isn't right. I just love you so much. And it
hurts me to see you so sad all the time since Joe died. I want to love you like
Joe loved you."
He looked at me, sharply. "What do you know about that?"
I sat back on the bed and pulled the sheet over my nakedness. For some
reason I couldn't look at him now.
"I may be young, but I'm not dumb. I could see how you two felt toward
each other."
Tears leaked from his eyes. I had made him cry now and that made me feel
worse.
"I'm sorry Tom; I didn't mean to make you cry. I only wanted to love
you."
"Commere, kid." His voice was gruff with emotion. He grabbed my
arms and pulled me into a bearhug. I wrapped my arms around his thick neck and
buried my face against his shoulder. He hadn't cried for Joe but once until now
and that was right after he was killed. His body shook as he clung to me. He
cried for a long time just holding me and I had my arms wrapped around his neck
and let him cry it out.
At sixteen I had only just begun my growth spurt. A couple of years down the
road I'd be taller than Tom. He was just over six feet tall, wide shoulders and
narrow hips. He weighed around two hundred pounds with very little of it being
fat. I was still only about five four and a hundred and twelve pounds. So you
can figure kind of what I felt like with him hugging me and crying
uncontrollably, kind of helpless. I was wanting to console him and all I could
do was rub the back of his head and neck while he clung to me, and mumble
soothing sounds to him.
When he finally pulled himself together a little he let go of me and I sat
beside him leaning into his side with his arm around me.
"The worlds a darker place without his smile." He sighed.
"Yeah, Joe smiled more'n any one I know."
"I sure do miss him, Billy. I sure do."
"I do too. And I miss Neil just as much."
"I know you do. Maybe we could drive up to
"That would be nice, Tom." I said, knowing it would probably never
happen. Getting away just wasn't something that happens on a ranch like ours.
"We better get to bed. It's getting late. Cows don't like to wait for
their morning milking."
He stood up and stretched. I was embarrassed to be looking at his fine body,
admiring his hairy chest, after just failing to seduce him, but I looked
anyway. I always did a little hope type prayer that when I grow up that I'll
have a hairy chest like his. He ran his fingers through my hair messing it up.
Not like I kept it combed or anything. I love for him to do that.
"Thanks, Billy. You know I love you. Don't you?"
I looked up at him. His eyes were red and puffy, but that terrible sad look
was gone, at least for the moment. "I love you, too, Tom."
"I know you do, Son. Good night."
That gave me a hard knot in my throat. I couldn't reply as he walked out of
my bedroom. In the twelve years I had lived with him he'd never called me his
son. Yet he was the only father I had ever really known. I sat there for a long
time after I heard him turn out his light thinking about my life up til now.
(((((o)))))
I had spent many an evening with Uncle John, the sheriff, playing on the
living room floor while my parents watched. Funny how I don't remember much
about them. He wasn't just my dad's best friend; he was my best buddy, too. He
had told me that so many times. He was a giant of a man. He wore a beard and
looked kind of like Ulysses S. Grant. He had a heavy pelt on his chest. He was
proud of it and always wore the top three buttons of his shirt unbuttoned.
I discovered his hairy chest before I could even walk. I loved to burrow
into it and snuggle against him. Even though I was only four at the time, I can
still remember Uncle John telling my daddy, "Yeah, Bill, this little man
is going to grow up to be just like me." Years later I wondered if he'd
meant I was going to be a man lover, too.
Even though I was only four I remember the when he came to the house the
night that my parents died, he was crying and that scared me. Big people just
didn't cry in my little four-year-old world. They were big and strong. He gave
me a big bear hug and sent me back to bed. I lay there wondering what was so
terrible that it could make my big buddy cry.
He and Mrs. Carter, my baby sitter, talked in the kitchen for a while and then
she came into my room and started taking all my clothes and toys and putting
them in boxes. That really scared me. I sat up and asked, "What are you
doing with my stuff?" She told me the sheriff was going to take me to
Uncle Tom's for a vacation. I didn't know what a vacation was and that was
scary, too. I jumped out of my bed and ran into the kitchen, back into the big,
strong, safe arms of my buddy.
He was sitting at the kitchen table looking awfully sad. I forgot all about
what Mrs. Carter was doing; I crawled up in his lap and hugged him and he
hugged me close. I burrowed my face into his hairy chest; that made me feel
safe. He started talking to me, but his words suddenly turned into blubbering.
I rubbed my little hand on his cheek. "It's okay now; I will take care of
you. I love you, Uncle John." He just cried more, and hugged me tighter to
him. I started crying too and that seemed to make him stop. He rocked me on his
lap until we had both settled down. "What's a vacation, Uncle John?"
I asked between hiccups.
He thought a minute."Well, that's where you go away somewhere nice to
relax and have a good time."
"Am I going to Uncle Tom's to relax and have a good time? Am I? Huh?"
"No, Baby, you're going to go live with your Uncle Tom."
"But I like living with
"You can't do that any more, Billy. Heavenly Father took your mommy and
daddy up to heaven to live with him."
"Why didn't I get to go with them?" I asked.
"Well, Sweetie, they thought you should grow up and go to school and learn
a lot things before you go. And.... I think God wants you to stay here and take
care of your Uncle Tom."
"Oh." I thought about that for a while. I'd never had to take care of
anyone before. Uncle John continued to hold me. I was happy with his big arms
around me. I snuggled into his hairy chest and thought about it all.
"Uncle John?"
"Hmm?"
"How come I have to take care of him? I'm little. Should he take
care of me?"
"Well, your Uncle Tom is lonely out there on the ranch. So when you go
live with him he won't be lonely any more and he can take care of you,
too."
"I don't know Uncle Tom very well. He always brings me presents. But he
never gives me hugs like you do. Why can't I go live with you? Aren't you
lonely?"
"Well, Billy, I'd love for you to live with me, but I am always working
and you need someone to be with you all the time. Tom loves you too, and I'm
sure he will give you lots of hugs now that you're going to live with
him."
"Will you still come see me?
"Of course I will, little man. You're my little buddy."
"Guess I better get dressed if we're going, huh?"
"That's my buddy, you go do that."
I slid to the floor and ran into my bedroom. Mrs. Carter had stripped it bare.
She helped me find clothes to put on. "I'm going to go live with my Uncle
Tom, Miz Carter." I told her with big solemn eyes while she tied my shoes.
"I'm not going on a vacation. Now that the angel took
She gave me a hug and a kiss on my forehead. "Bless you child. May the
good Lord and your Uncle Tom take care of you."
She then helped Uncle John load all my things into the black and white pickup
that he always drove. He locked up the house and thanked Mrs. Carter for her
help. She stood on the sidewalk waving and wiping her eyes as we drove away.
~~
Uncle Tom lived on a ranch up in the mountains
between
The drive through the dark night seemed long. I fell asleep, curled up against
Uncle John, my head resting on his leg, and his large comforting hand on my
hip. When we got to the ranch I felt strange new arms lift me and hold me
against a big warm body. I woke up enough to know that Uncle Tom was holding
me. He gave me a kiss on the forehead and carried me into the house. He laid me
in his big bed that smelled just like him and I drifted back to sleep.
At first when I awoke the next morning I was frightened. I couldn't move. I
opened my eyes. There was a big hairy arm draped over my chest. I thought about
last night and remembered that Uncle Tom had put me in his bed when Uncle John
had brought me out to him. I wiggled a little bit. I could feel Uncle Tom's hairy
chest up against my back, his breath in my hair, his hot body lying nearly on
top of me, with a big heavy leg lying over my legs. Once I figured out where I
was, I wasn't scared any more. I was safe and protected. I lay there a long
time waiting for him to wake up. I needed to pee so badly that I finally lifted
his arm, pulled my legs out from under his and slid off the bed. It was almost daybreak;
it was dark in the house. I hadn't been upstairs before, so I started exploring
and discovered a bathroom through the first door in the hallway.
When I finished I crawled back up onto the bed. I sat with my legs folded
up, my elbows resting on my knees, my fists holding up my head. I studied my
big uncle. The early morning light was beginning to brighten the room. He was a
very nice to look at. He wore a big droopy mustache. He had lots of thick brown
hair everywhere I could see. I liked the way the hair on his head was messed up
and hanging in his face. I leaned forward and carefully brushed it back like Daddy
would do mine when he sat on my bedside to kiss me goodnight. Tom woke up. He
rolled onto his back and stretched and then scratched his hairy chest. Suddenly
he turned his head and looked at me. He looked awfully sad at first and then he
smiled and reached over and grabbed me. He pulled me up onto his chest and
hugged me. I wrapped my arms as far around him as I could reach and burrowed my
face into his fur. He rubbed his hand up and down my back, not saying anything.
I felt so good, so secure. I lay there thinking about what was going to happen
to me now. Finally, I broke the silence. "Uncle Tom?"
"What, Billy?"
"Daddy and
"No, Billy, God won't let them come back."
"Can we call them and talk to them on the phone?"
"They don't have phones up in heaven."
"They didn't even come tell me good-bye before they left."
"I'm sure they wanted to, Billy. But when God came to take them they
didn't have time to go home and say good-bye to you."
"Why was God in such a hurry?"
"Well, I don't think it was God who was in a hurry. It was probably the
angel he sent to get them. Angels have lots of work to do and I guess he forgot
to let them say good-bye to you."
"Oh." I lay there on Tom's chest being soothed by his big hands,
thinking about what a big job God has, having to watch over all of us people. I
could see how he might forget about a little boy like me. I'm sure that's what
Uncle John was talking about; that's why I was there, to take care of my big
beautiful uncle and to let him take care of me. By having us take care of each
other, God didn't have to worry about maybe forgetting us.
Tom interrupted my thoughts. "You can talk to them in your prayers,
Billy, they can hear you. And sometimes they can answer you in your
dreams."
"Really?"
"Sure."
"Then tonight when I say my prayers I will tell them I miss them and I can
say good bye, too."
"I'll say good-bye with you. Okay?"
"I love you, Uncle Tom."
"I love you, too, Billy. Now let's get up and milk the cows. I'll show you
how to feed the chickens and you can help me feed the horses and the cows and
the pig. Okay?"
"Yeah, that sounds like fun."
"Okay, get your clothes on while I go pee."
I jumped off the bed and found my clothes lying on a chair. Tom got out of bed
and headed through a door I didn't see in the dark. I could hear him peeing so
that had to be another bathroom. I got my shoes on, but I had to ask to have
them tied. I always made knots that were hard to get loose and that
I got to feed the chickens after I watched Uncle Tom milk the two cows. I
thought it was really funny how he would squeeze the cow's titty and milk would
squirt out. He pointed one at me and told me to open my mouth. He shot the hot
milk right into my mouth. That was really funny. It splattered all over my face
and ran down my chin and got the front of my shirt all wet.
After we got the chores all finished Uncle Tom made me a big stack of hot cakes
with a fried egg on it with four slices of bacon. I love bacon, and my mom only
ever let me have two slices. After we ate and cleaned all the dishes, Tom
helped me carry all my stuff upstairs. My room was right across from his, and
he helped me unpack every thing and find a place to put it all.
After we got it all put away, Uncle Tom said it was time to take a shower and
put on clean clothes. He started undressing. I got my shirt off and undid my
pants, pushing them down to my feet before I realized I hadn't taken my shoes
off first. Tom had to come over and help me with them He then sat down and
pulled his boots off and his Levi's. He didn't wear any underwear like my
daddy. My mommy hated that and always made me wear them.
"I sure will be glad when I'm old enough to tie my own shoes" I told
him. He laughed.
"I tell you what, as soon as we get showered and dressed, I'll teach you
how to do it. Okay?"
"Yeah, that would be neat, Uncle Tom."
He helped me get the rest of my clothes off and then picked me up around my
middle with one arm, holding me against his hip, my arms and legs dangling
free. He carried me into the bathroom kicking and squealing with glee. He set
me down and adjusted the water and stepped into the shower.
"Come on in, Billy, so I can close the door."
"I'm going to shower with you?" I asked.
"Sure, that way we will both be clean when we finish."
Well, that sounded logical to me. I scurried into the shower, and he closed the
door. "
"You're my big boy now, Billy."
He took a washcloth and soaped it up well. He
kneeled and started washing me all over, starting with my face and neck. He
washed my arms and then my chest and back. He slid the washcloth between my
legs and then washed each leg and foot. He then took my peepee and peeled the
skin back and carefully washed all around the head. That made me shiver.
"It's very important to always keep real clean under your skin,
Billy." He explained.
"I know, Uncle Tom,
He then shampooed my hair, and had me rinse off.
"Now it's my turn." He said, standing up. I stood and watched him
wash himself all over just like he did me.
"You want to wash my back for me, Billy?" He offered me the washcloth
and knelt with his back to me. I carefully and thoroughly washed his big broad
back. It's strange that his back was the only place that didn't have a lot of
hair. When I got down to his furry butt he stood up and took the washcloth and
said he could wash the rest. I watched him clean his big peepee the same as he
did mine.
"Someday when I grow up, I'm going to have a peepee as big as yours, Uncle
Tom."
"You sure are, little buddy. And you’re going to be big and hairy just
like your daddy and me."
I shivered with delight at the thought of having hair all over my body. It was
neat showering with Tom. My daddy never bathed me and I only got baths in a tub
of water not a grownup's shower.
After he got all rinsed off, he turned off the shower and grabbed a big towel.
He dried me off, picked me up and sat me on the counter, and then with another
towel he dried himself. He combed my hair, and then put toothpaste on my brush
and handed it to me. I kneeled on the counter where I could look into the
mirror and cleaned my teeth just like my mommy had taught me to do. I spit and
rinsed, and then watched as he did the same. It was fun doing all that with
Uncle Tom and not having
As we were getting dressed, he asked me if I wanted to go riding on a horse. I
love horses. I was really excited to do that. But first we had a lesson in
tying my shoestrings. Uncle Tom sat me on his lap with my back against his
chest. He reached around me and took the strings on one shoe and slowly showed
me how to do it. I then took them and tried to copy what he did. After about
four tries I made a complete bow. Boy, was I proud of myself.
We went out to the corral. Tom shook the bridle and his horse walked right
up to him. I think the horse really loved my uncle. He led the horse out and
put the blanket and saddle on it. He got up in the saddle and told me to climb
up on the corral fence. He rode up behind me, reached out and grabbed me around
the chest and sat me in front of him. With his arm holding me securely we took
off at a trot. That was really bouncy and it made my voice sound funny when I
talked. We laughed a lot and really had a good time. I think that Uncle Tom
really did like me and that he was just shy around my mommy and daddy. He
hugged me tight against him. "We going to be best buddies aren't we,
Billy?"
I nodded my head vigorously and hugged his arm.
We rode all around the ranch. He showed me lots of cows and told me they were
ours, mine and his together. I never owned anything like cows before. Uncle Tom
explained that they had been my daddy's and his together and now they were all
mine and his together.
We rode up to this big old squealing windmill that was next to a big round
concrete water tank. There was an old bathtub sitting near that the cows drank
out of. The tub had a ball thing floating in it that Uncle Tom explained to me
how it kept the water level up with out letting it run over. He let me push it
under so I could see the water run out.
"Want to go swimming Billy?"
"Yes, but I don't know how." I answered.
"Come on, get your clothes off and I will teach you."
We raced each other to see who could get their clothes off the fastest.
Uncle Tom won. He had a lot more practice than me. He had to untangle the knots
in my shoelaces before I could get my pants off and I was really disgusted. He
told me that he'd get me a pair of cowboy boots just like his and then I
wouldn't have to worry about shoe laces.
He picked me up and sat me on the edge of the six-foot high wall of the
water tank. He climbed a ladder and walked over and sat down beside me.
"Okay, Billy, I'm going to swim around the tank and you watch how I move
my arms and legs. And then I'll hold you and you try to do just like me."
He lifted his butt off the wall and slid into the water. He swam across the
tank and back. He stood up and showed me how to cup my hands and move my arms,
and then he held on to the edge and showed me how to keep my legs straight and
kick them up and down. "Want to try it?" He asked.
"Yes, it looks easy."
Uncle Tom lifted me off the wall and lowered me into the water. "Alright,
Billy, I'm going to hold you up and you kick and move your arms just like I
showed you." With one his hands under my chest and the other under my
belly I started furiously flailed my arms and kicking.
"Stop. You look like that windmill. Remember how I did my arms. Try it
again. Just your arms." I did it again, and got it right. "Okay, now
kick your feet."
I kicked and moved my arms and suddenly I was swimming. Uncle Tom had lowered
his hands and let me go. I realized I was moving away from him and stopped. I
started to sink. Uncle Tom quickly grabbed me and lifted me up. He laughed as I
sputtered and spit water. "You did great, Billy. You were swimming by
yourself."
"But you let go of me." I accused him.
"You can't swim if I just hold you. You were really swimming, Billy. Want
to try it again?"
"Okay, but don't let me sink."
Uncle Tom again supported me as I flailed and kicked. And when he lowered his
hands I was really swimming. He stayed right next to me and I swam right to the
wall. I grabbed the edge, turned and grinned at him. He grabbed me and hugged
me. He kissed me on the forehead. "You're going to be a great swimmer,
Billy. See if you can swim across to the other side."
He put me into position and I started swimming. I got to the middle of the tank
and pooped out. Uncle Tom was there to keep me from sinking. "That was
great, Billy. Let's rest a minute and then I'll show you how to float."
I was holding onto his neck and suddenly I was lying on his chest as he lay
back and paddled toward the edge. He lifted me and set me on the top of the
wall. And then he pulled himself up and sat beside me. "That was fun,
Uncle Tom. I want to swim everyday until I can swim as good as you."
Uncle Tom taught me how to float on my back by barely moving my hands and feet.
We floated around for a bit and then we had to get dressed and go back to the
house for lunch. After lunch we had a short nap and then we worked in the
vegetable garden for a while. We did the evening chores the same as that
morning.
Uncle Tom fixed us a real good dinner of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He
made me eat all the peas he had put on my plate. When bedtime came Uncle Tom
knelt beside the bed with me and encouraged me to tell my
"I love you, Billy. You are the answer to my prayers. I always wanted a
little boy all my own. And now I have you." We crawled into bed. I gave
him a big hug and kissed his cheek, and then I turned over and snuggled into
his warm hairy chest and went right to sleep.
(((((o)))))
I was with Uncle Tom two days before he told me we had to dress up nice and
drive over to
"What is a funeral, Uncle Tom?"
"Well, Billy, that's where all your mommy and daddy's friends get together
to remember them and to say good-bye. And then they take their bodies to the
cemetery and put them in the ground with all the other people who have gone to
live with God"
We drove all the way back to
"Did
"No, Billy, the church ladies took them and gave them to the poor people
who don't have good clothes to wear."
I burst into tears, realizing for the first time my mommy and daddy were
really gone and they weren't ever coming back.
Uncle Tom held me and shushed, promising me we'd go horseback riding and
swimming when we got home. I eventually stopped crying and that’s when I
noticed all the boxes stacked inside the door.
"What's in all the boxes, Uncle Tom?"
"The ladies packed everything that belongs to you and we are going to take
it back to the ranch."
I looked into an opened box. "These are
"They are yours now, Billy, your mommy left them for you, for when you
grow up. We'll take them out to the ranch and put them away. And then when you
are all grown up you can decide what to do with them. Come, its time for us to
go to the church."
When we drove up to the church, I saw Uncle John all dressed up in a suit. He
looked so different out of his sheriff's uniform. When the pickup stopped I
jumped out and ran to give him a hug. He grabbed me up and held me high in the
air making me squeal with glee. Then he brought me down and kissed me on the
forehead and hugged me real tight. All of the grown ups were standing around
watching. They were smiling, crying and sniffling.
We went inside and Uncle Tom and Sheriff John sat on each side of me on the
front pew all by ourselves. The preacher got up and talked about how God had
welcomed my parents with opened arms into heaven. I wondered if he had been
there and seen it happen. How did he know that?
We all filed out behind a bunch of men carrying the two caskets. Uncle Tom had
explained to me that
Uncle John followed us back to the ranch with a load of boxes from the
house. The churchwomen had given us a lot of food, so we sat down and ate.
After dinner Uncle John sat on the porch steps. Uncle Tom sat down by him. John
wrapped his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close. He kissed him on the
temple. Tom hugged him. I didn't want to be left out of all this loving so I
climbed up on Uncle John's lap. Uncle Tom hugged me and Uncle John held us both
tight. We sat there a long time hugging and then Uncle John lifted me on to his
shoulders. Tom stood up and stretched.
"Well, let's get those boxes stored away. I've gotta get back to Eileen
soon." Uncle John said.
After they put all the boxes in a storage room in the barn. Tom got us all
some iced sweet tea and we sat on the porch to drink it.
"I know. I wish you could spend the night. It would be wonderful just to
hold you all night and wake up to see your face in the morning."
"Tom, you know I would if I could."
I watched as he kissed Tom on the mouth. "I love you, Man." He
whispered to Tom. He lifted me up and kissed me on the forehead and squeezed me
in a tight hug."I love you, too, young one."
I hugged him back."I love you too, Uncle John."
He stood up holding me in one of his arms. Tom stood up, too. John stood a head
taller than Tom. He wrapped an arm around him and moved toward his pickup with
the big red light on top of it. Setting me down on the ground, he took Tom in a
big bear hug. They kissed a long time and then Tom broke away and backed up.
John knelt in front of me.
"You take care of your Uncle Tom, Billy, 'cause I sure do love you
both."
He hugged me and kissed me again on my forehead. He stood up and got into his
pickup and drove away. Tom stood next to me with his hand resting on my shoulder
until John's truck disappeared from view. He took my hand and we headed into
the house. I looked up at my big uncle. "I think you love Uncle John
almost as much as I do, Uncle Tom."
He looked down at me and then picked me up and gave me a hug. "Yup, I do,
Billy. Almost as much as I love you, little man."
I've always remembered that evening. Especially during the hard years I had to
endure before I turned twenty
~~~~~
As the days of that first summer with Uncle Tom went by, he taught he how to
dive and swim under water, and how to keep it out of my nose and mouth. He
never let me have time to miss my parents and as time went by they gradually
faded to a fond memory. Uncle Tom became the center of my universe.
There was one other man that became important in my early years. His name was
Joe Randolph. His ranch was right next to ours. He was a handsome man, almost
as good looking as the pictures I have of my daddy. He was about a head shorter
than Tom, with straight black hair that was always combed, blue eyes, and a
great big smile. He seemed to be the happiest man I ever saw. Maybe it was
because he was here to see Tom. I know that being with Tom always made me
happy.
Many a night Joe would come to the house and have dinner with us. While Tom was
fixing dinner Joe would sit on the floor and play with me. He was the only
grown up that knew how to play four-year-old games properly, besides Uncle John
and I didn't get to see him very much. I remember one time after dinner Joe was
bouncing me on his knees as he sat on the sofa.
"You know, Billy, I've got a little boy, too. He's a lot younger than you.
Someday when he gets bigger and comes to live with me you two will have to
meet. I'll bet you become best friends like your Uncle Tom and me. Would you
like that?"
"Yes, Uncle Joe, I'd really like to have a buddy like you. Why can't he
come over to play with me now?"
"Well he's living up in
I smiled at the thought of having a close friend like Joe and Tom were.
~~~~~
Whenever Joe came to visit I had to go sleep in
my own bed. I never minded having to do that because I always woke up in the
morning wrapped in my big hairy uncle's arms in his bed anyway.
One night I woke up and I thought it was real late. The house was very quiet. I
was still in my own bed. I was sure the Uncle Tom had forgotten to come get me
to sleep with him. I slipped out of bed and tiptoed across the hall and quietly
opened the door so I wouldn't awaken him. When I slipped through the door I saw
Joe on top of Tom, holding his legs up in the air. Tom was making awful noises
like he was in pain. I started to cry.
"Uncle Joe. Why are you hurting, Uncle Tom?" I asked between sobs.
Joe stopped what they were doing and looked at me. He dropped Tom's legs and
just laid down on him, hiding his face.
"Joe's not hurting me, sweetheart; He's making me feel good."
"Well, you sounded like you were hurting." I blurted out through my
sobbing.
"No, Baby, those were feeling good sounds. Why don't you go back to bed
and I'll come get you when Uncle Joe goes home. Okay?"
"Okay, but don't forget me." I said as I went back out the door
closing it behind me. I heard them laughing as I crawled back into my bed, so I
guessed they were okay.
I thought no more about that incident until I was in the eighth grade. One
of the boys had found a magazine with pictures of naked men doing nasty things
to each other. One picture brought back the memory image of Joe holding Tom's
legs up in the air. The next picture was a close up of what they were doing.
One man had his hard cock up the other man's ass. I gasped.
"Do men really do that to each other?" I asked.
"Not real men, only pansies do it to each other."
I thought to myself that Tom and Joe couldn't be pansies. They're the manliest
men I knew. I didn't know what a pansy was but I figured from the way the kid
had said the word it had to derogatory. "What's a pansy?" I asked.
"It's a flower, dumb ass." One of the know-it-alls said.
"Naw, that's what they call guys who like other guys. They always act like
women, and are real lady like."
"I thought they were called faggots." Another piped up.
"They're queers." Still another said.
"Yeah, like that man that works at the five and dime downtown in
It gave me lots of food for thought. So my uncle was a queer, and Joe was, too.
Geez, neither one of them were lady like. They were big strong, hairy men. Not
like those guys in the pictures that didn't have any hair except pubies. And
then I thought about the man that owned the Five and Dime. He was different
than the big rough ranchers I knew, but I also knew he had a wife and three
children. I figured the other kids didn't know what they were talking about.
As I thought about these things I also wondered if maybe I was queer, too,
'cause I was always thinking about Tom naked, especially one image of him
standing on the edge of the tank, water dripping down his body, all his
hairiness plastered flat. The way he had grinned at me looking like a great big
little boy, just before he dove back into the water. That image always gave me
the jolt that sent me into orgasm when I learned how to jacked off.
~~~~~
As I got older I fed the cows and the horses, the pig and chickens all by
myself. I guess I was five by then. Tom would milk the cows and help me gather
the eggs. We would head for the house to clean up and make us some breakfast.
Then we would tend to the vegetable garden, weeding, watering, and cultivating
the soil. We would pick the ripe tomatoes and pull some root vegetables for our
supper. He loved his ranch, the animals, and the garden. I loved my Uncle Tom
and I learned to love all the same things he loved.
After lunch he would saddle up a horse and ride
around the ranch checking the cattle and the fences. He would take me with him.
In the beginning he would let me ride in front of him, with my legs around the
pommel, his big arm holding me against his hard belly. As I grew and became
more confident I would ride behind him with my arms around that hard belly or
holding on to his belt. I missed his arm wrapped around me, but I loved holding
on to him. I would lay my face against his back and smell him. He always
smelled so good, especially when he was all sweaty.
We would take a siesta for a couple of hours after our ride. Then as evening
approached we would do all the same chores we had done that morning. After
which we would prepare an evening meal, sit on the porch and talk or just sit
and watch the stars come out. Tom had a TV, but we only watched the news
sometimes. I never got hooked on it like some of my friends in school. There
was always something more interesting to do, like reading a book or playing
board games with Uncle Tom.
On days it was hot we would take a swim in the water tank. It was about a mile
from the house. This wasn't our drinking water. That was in a smaller metal
tank up on the hill behind the house. It was filled by a deep-water well with
an electric pump. This one was for the cattle. I always wondered what the
cattle thought about us swimming in their drinking water.
For my sixth birthday Tom bought me my very own pony and saddle. She was a three
colored pinto, with a long shaggy mane and tail. I named her Cupcake, 'cause
she was so sweet. My birthday is in April and she still had some of her
scroungy winter coat. Tom taught me how to curry her all over and soon she was
shiny and as sleek as Tom's big roan. Of course with the pony I got a saddle
too. It was just my size. Tom taught me how to saddle her so he didn't have to
do it for me.
My sixth birthday change my whole life. Not only did I get my own pony to ride,
but also I had to start sleeping in my own bed, in my own room all the time.
And I had to shower by myself in the hall bathroom. Tom didn't hug me so much
anymore after I turned six. He would give me hugs when I really needed them.
But I don't ever remember him kissing me again. When I first went to live with
him he would always kiss me on the forehead or on my cheeks. After I turned six
all I got were pats on the back and an occasional slap on my butt, or he would
ruffle my hair.
As I grew up I learned to read his facial expressions and his body movements. I
could easily tell when he was pleased with something I had done. He would smile
really big. And his body would get kind of jerky like he was fighting the urge
to touch me. I just wanted him to grab me and hug me to his chest. I sometimes
wondered if it was just my desire to be hugged by him that I read this into his
movements. I don't think so.
I had to start going to school everyday when
September came. Of course my routine was completely different. After breakfast
I would get ready for school and then walk down to the highway and wait for the
bus. It was about a forty-five minute ride into
The first morning I had to ride the school bus,
I got on and saw only one other boy sitting in the back. He was a lot older
than me and he just ignored me. So I sat behind the bus driver and ignored him.
There were three other kids got on at the next stop and they ignore me and the
other kid. It was like that the whole year. But I didn't mind. I just dreamed
about getting though the day and back to the ranch with Uncle Tom.
The schoolhouse in
Summers were wonderful. I was becoming a real
cowboy. I got to help round up the cattle at branding time. I got to practice
roping calves. That was lots of fun. I swam a lot and of course spent lots of
time with Tom. The last weeks of summer I spent in dread of the school year,
but I faced up to it like a man and did what I was required to do.
Things changed a lot my fourth year. I not only went to school in
"Sit here." I said. A look of relief spread over his face.
"My name is Neil." He said, as he scooted into the seat.
"I'm Billy. My daddy told me to look for you."
"Is Joe Randolph your daddy?"
"Yes, you know my daddy?"
"Sure, he's my Uncle's best buddy.
"You live on the ranch next to my dad's?"
"Yeah, with my Uncle Tom."
" Where are you mom and dad?"
"They died when I was four."
"My mom died when I was born. I used to live with my grand parents, then
my grandmother died. Now I live here with my daddy. I just moved here a week
ago."
"So you live with just your dad?"
"No, Carmen lives with us. She is an old lady that cooks and takes care of
the house."
"Uncle Tom does all that and takes care of the whole ranch too."
"Daddy only takes care of the ranch."
"He comes to visit with Uncle Tom alot. They are best buddies."
"He always tells Carmen that he's going to play cards with the boys. Do
they play cards?"
"Sometimes. Mostly they just visit a lot."
"Oh."
"When I was real little I remember your daddy told me that one day I'd
meet you and that we would be best buddies like him and my uncle are. You want
to be my best buddy?"
He looked at me with his big blue eyes and smiled real big just like his daddy
does. "Yes, that would be very nice, Billy."
Even though I was four years older than Neil I hadn't hit any growth spurts
yet, so I wasn't much bigger than him. I got kidded a lot about making friends
with a fourth grader, but I didn't mind. Neil was now my best buddy and that's
all that mattered.
Life on the ranch was never lonely. Friends and
acquaintances would always be dropping in to visit. And often we would go
visiting, too. Uncle John would come out about twice a month. He would have
dinner and sit and visit with us. He still hugged me and always kissed me on the
forehead before I went up to bed, even after I turned twelve. Once in a while
he would kiss me on my cheek. He always called that "sneakin' some
lovin'".
Now that Neil and I were buddies we spent a lot of time with each other after
school and on weekends. Of course he had a horse, too. So we would get off at
his place and do his chores and then saddle up his horse and ride double over
to our ranch and do mine. Sometimes we did it the other way around. There was a
gate in the fence between the two ranches that was directly between the two
houses. So it was only a little over two miles from one house to the other.
Since Neil and I were together so much it made
it easier for Joe and Tom. too. They started seeing each other nearly every
day. I suspect, now in retrospect, that Joe never fooled Carmen. Those two men
were so much in love that they couldn't hide it from anyone that really knew
them.
When I got old enough to figure out what sex was all about I watched the two of
them, Tom and Joe. I knew they had nightly sessions in Tom's bed. At first I
just thought that they were just fuck buddies. But after really studying them I
decided that these two fine men really loved each other. After I had figured
all this out I started sleeping over at Neil's a lot more.
Years ago I had figured they weren't pansies or faggots; they might be queer,
but that didn't disturb me in the least. I had decided that I probably was too,
even though I had never shared sex with anyone male or female. When I jacked
off it was images of Tom and Joe that turned me on. I had plenty of images of
them naked stored up because during the summer after Neil came into our lives
we still, all four of us, went swimming nude in the cattle tank.
It was the beginning of June. I was fifteen that year. School would be out
for the summer in a couple of weeks. It was one of the rare days that I didn't
get off the bus at Billy's. We'd had an argument about something and he wasn't
talking to me, so I just went on home.
The moment I walked in the door I knew something was wrong. There was the
smell of blood in the air. It raised my hackles. At the top of the stairs there
was a blood covered shirt lying on the floor. I dropped my books, picked up
Tom's shirt and ran into his room not knowing what to expect. I froze when I
saw him.
He was leaning against the edge of the window staring out at nothing. His
arms were covered in dried blood and there were smudges of it on his face and
body. The front of his Levi's were soaked. I crept over to him. He never looked
at me. He just stared out the window. His eyes were vacant.
"Tom? Are you okay? What happened? Why are you covered in blood?"
At first I thought he wasn't going to answer, but then he sighed.
"Joe's dead. That damned Longhorn bull gored him."
"Oh, God, no." Tears burst from my eyes. "Poor Neil."
I'd thought about what it meant no having a father and mother, but I'd never
felt any big loss. Tom was all I had ever had and he was all I needed. But Neil
had just found his daddy five years ago and now he'd lost him. I keenly felt
that lost. And Tom. He and Joe had been the closest of friends. There was no
one who was closer to someone than those two were. I think that Tom losing Joe
was probably worse than a woman losing her husband or vice versa.
I stepped up to Tom and put an arm around his back. He turned and crumpled
onto me and we wept. I staggered with him over to the bed. At fifteen I still
hadn't started my growth spurt. He collapsed onto the bed and I sat next to him
wrapping my arms around the big man. He laid his shaggy head on my shoulder and
cried for a long time. I held him until he stopped.
"You need to get out of these clothes and shower." I told him. He
just nodded his head against my neck and didn't move.
"Come on, Tom, I'll help you."
I nudged him. He sat up straight but didn't stand. He looked so lost. I got
up and lifted his leg, grabbing the heal of his boot I pulled it off, then his
sock. I repeated the same thing with his other foot. I felt like some kind of
pervert as I admired his feet. They had a tuft of hair on the top of the instep
and on the top of each toe.
I got him to stand up and I unbuckled his belt and unbuttoned his Levi's. My
finger's grazed his pubic hair. I started getting a woody. Ignoring it, I
pulled his pants down. I had to lift each leg to slide the pant leg off. He
just stood there, a hand on my head to keep his balance, offering me no help.
I dropped the jeans in a pile on the boots with the bloody shirt. Taking his
hand I led him into the bathroom. After adjusting the temperature I pushed him
into the spray. Again he just stood there. Exasperated, I shucked out of my
clothes and got in with him.
Lifting a blood covered arm, I soaped it. I used my nails to loosen the
caked blood. He even had Joe's blood under his finger nails. Before I dropped
the first arm I made sure there was no blood on it anywhere. And then I did the
same with the other.
I washed his hair, and watched the water run red as I rinsed it. His face
and neck, and then his body, I gently soaped and rinsed, too. I inspected him
for any more traces of blood, turned off the water and grabbed a towel to dry
him off. He suddenly came to life. Taking the towel from me he dried himself. I
took another towel and dried myself. Picking up my clothes I headed for my room
to dress. It's funny, standing naked in the shower, my hands all over his body
I never got hard, but the moment I thought about it afterwards I had a
difficult time buttoning up my Levi's. Tom had dressed and combed his hair by
the time I got back in to check on him. "You doing okay, Tom." I
asked.
"Yeah."
"Should I try washing these clothes?" I stood looking down at the
bloody heap.
"Burn 'em. The boots, too."
As I started to bundle them up I watched him take his Colt 45 out of its
holster and check the bullet chambers, and then stuff it back into the holster.
I dropped the bloody clothes and wiped my hands on my pants.
"What are you going to do?"
"I got something to take care of."
I was frightened that he would use it on himself. "I'm going with
you." I said.
"No, you stay here."
"Like hell I will. I'm going with you."
"Alright then, come on."
We went out to the pickup. It looked like there had been a war in it. The
vinyl seat, the floor board, the steering wheel were all covered in Joe's blood.
Tom ignored it and got in. I grabbed a towel that he kept behind the seat and
laid it over the seat where I had to sit.
He took off like a bat out of hell down the dirt road, over the cattle guard
toward Joe's spread. He came to a screeching stop at the corral. Taking the
Colt 45 out of his holster, he got out of the truck and walked to the corral.
The two hired Mexican ranch hands came running over. Carmen and Neil came
out of the house, running to see what was happening. I had forgotten about
Neil. His dad had been killed. God, how could I have forgotten that?
He ran into my arms. I hugged him hard against me. I heard one of the hands
yell something. Turning, I saw Tom in the corral with the Longhorn bull.
"Oh My God." I yelled. Pulling Neil with me we ran to the corral.
Carmen was right behind us weeping and praying to her
Tom stood about twenty-five feet from the bull. Its head was down and it was
snorting.
"Come on, you son of a bitch, let's see who dies next." Tom
growled.
The bull pawed at the ground and snorted some more. I could see Joe' dried
blood on one of its horns. We all held our breath. Suddenly the bull charged at
Tom. He raised the 45 and aimed at the bull. What was he waiting for? Why
didn't he pull the trigger?
The bull was about ten feet from him when he finally fired. A small hole
appeared in its forehead. Tom didn't even flinch as the bull, even in death, continued
to charge. Its feet failed it as it slid head first toward him. The bull's head
landed on his boot. He stared down at the bull for a long time as its eyes
dimmed, and then he kicked its head aside in disgust. He turned to the hired
hands. "Cut the head off and skin it. Tie it to the back of my pickup and
drag it out to an arroyo. Let the buzzards have the bastard. Put the head and
skin in the back of my truck and I'll take it to the taxidermist."
Tom opened the corral gate and walked out. He looked at a loss as to what to
do next. I watched him as I held Neil against me. Elena walked up to him and
took his hand. She led him into the kitchen and made him sit down.
Elena stood with tears streaking her cheeks. She looked at Tom.
"That bull killed my little boy, my son. I raised him from a little
boy, you know." She cried. Tom stood up and wrapped his arms around her.
"I am so sorry, Elena."
"I know he was the love of your life, Tomas, lo siento tambien."
"It is true. We loved each other from the first day we met."
"I know, you were like these two. Always together. And now it is so
sad. He is gone. And these two will have to go their separate ways. Que
lastima."
Tom didn't reply. He covered his face with his hands and laid his forehead
on Elena's soft shoulder and let the tears flow. She patted his back and made
motherly noises to him.
Neil and I stood in the doorway witnessing these broken hearts. Neil hugged
me tight.
"You're the only ones I've got now, Billy. You and Uncle Tom. And
Elena. I'm so glad you came. I love you guys." He whispered in my ear.
Neil sat in a chair, drying his eyes.
"My grandparents are will be here soon. I guess after we bury my dad
I'll have to go live with them. I'm going to miss you so much. I miss my daddy
already."
"You had your daddy for five years. And you're old enough to remember
him for the rest of your life. I can't even remember what my daddy looked like
when he smiled at me."
"He is your grandfather, Neil. Hr loves you. You'll be happy with
him." Tom said.
"He doesn't love me. I look too much like my dad. He hated my
dad."
Tom didn't know how to respond to that so he just ruffled Neil's hair and
squeezed his shoulder.
~~~~~
We went to the funeral. Tom was a pallbearer. After we got back home Tom sat
on the porch and told me how he and Joe had been best friends all his life.
They even went off to college together at the university in
Neil's grandfather had hated Joe. He hadn't wanted his daughter to marry
him. And when she died from complications from the birth, he blamed her death
on Joe. They took the baby, out of obligation to their dead daughter, but Joe
was adamant that as soon as the child was old enough he would raise his son
himself and he told Tom he'd make damn sure his son didn't grow up to be a
tight assed hypocrite like the two of them.
After the funeral, Mr. Post, Neil's grandfather approached Tom about leasing
Joe's ranch to him until Neil was of age. Joe had made up a will that forbade
the sale of the ranch until Neil was of age to decide what he wanted to do with
it. Tom agreed to the deal. He bought all of Joe's cattle.
He took the bull's head to a taxidermist and had the skin tanned. He hung
the head over the fireplace and put the skin on the floor as a rug.
~~~~~
My world was really changing. My best friend was gone. I was turning into a
man. I was still kind of small, but my voice was deepening and I was growing
body hair. My dick was becoming man-size too. I was building lots of muscle
working around the ranch.
During this time I discovered an interest in New Mexican history. I found a
big old book in Tom's library written in the 1920's. It had lots of curious,
but very interesting pictures in it. As I read I came across the name Post. A
Theodore G. Post had married the last heir to a large Spanish land grant who in
her own right was very wealthy. There were pictures of the couple and their
little girl. And there were several pictures of the original family home set
amongst huge cottonwood trees on the banks of the
I felt so alone. Tom ignored me for the most part. I'd catch him eyeing me
some times but he would drop his stare and go on about what ever he was doing.
I tried to talk to him, but he'd just tell me to mind my own business. Tom grew
morose and started drinking. He would sit and stare at that Longhorn's head and
just get more depressed.
Uncle John came out to the ranch a couple of times and they ended up
fighting each time. So he stopped coming out altogether.
Tom started drinking more. On the anniversary of Joe's death Tom sat at the
kitchen table and drank until he passed out. He had been growing more and more
sullen. I was more alone than I had ever been. I hauled his ass over to the
sofa, laid him down and pulled off his boots. I covered him with a quilt and
went to bed.
The next morning he was still dead to the world. I went out and took care of
all the chores, took a bath and fixed myself some breakfast. I sat at the
kitchen table and watched Tom sleep and sipped my coffee. I wished there was
some thing I could do, but I was at a total loss. He woke about three that
afternoon, and dragged himself upstairs to the shower. I put on a fresh pot of
coffee. When he came back down he looked almost normal.
After that he didn't drink any for a couple of weeks, although he was still morose
and sullen. One morning we had to replace some fence posts. That's hard work,
digging holes to set the new posts into. We both had our shirts off and were
sweating like workhorses. I had always openly admired Tom's magnificent hairy
torso. He would grin and sometime take a muscle man pose for me. But back then
I was still a kid. This time he caught me looking and frowned.
"Keep your eyes to yourself, boy. I don't need you undressing me every
time you look at me."
He may as well have slapped me. He had never talked to me in a mean voice
like that. I dropped my eyes and went about my work. I caught him eyeing me,
and it made me feel like maybe I should put my shirt on to cover my nakedness.
But it was hot sweaty work; I put it out of my mind and finished tacking the
barbed wire on to the new post.
Later we were at the water tank for a swim. It was a hot afternoon. I was
lying on the rim, which was about a foot wide, letting the sun and the soft
warm breeze dry me off. I don't recall that I was thinking about anything in
particular, but I threw a boner laying there in the hot sun. I was always doing
that in those days. When I realized I was hard I looked see where Tom was. He
was sitting on the opposite side of the tank with his little flask in his hand watching
me. He was hard, too.
I felt excited and at the same time I suspected
that he didn't want me looking at him after the incidence earlier in the day
while we were setting fence posts. I had long ago figured out that Tom and Joe
had been lovers. I knew it had to be hard for him to be completely alone with
no one to love. And although I wanted so badly to fill the empty place Joe left
in his life, I felt I was tempting fate by lying there flaunting my manhood. I
rolled off the edge of the tank, dropped to the ground and put my clothes on.
As I slid my arms into my shirt sleeves, I looked up to see him standing like a
Grecian god on the tank rim. He had a dark smoldering look on his face. He held
my gaze for a few moments before I dropped my eyes, and hurried to button my
shirt. When I looked up again he was gone.
I sat down in the cool dark shade of the tank, gathered my knees to my chest
and wondered what had just transpired. Tom came around the tank fully dressed;
telling me it was time to get our chores done. We rode home in glum silence.
We got our chores and supper out of the way. I sat down on the porch waiting
for Tom to come out and join me. After several minutes, when he didn't show, I
went into the house looking for him.
That was that night that I tried to seduce him. After that night all
communication between us was basic and minimal. What was really strange was
that he didn't drink anymore. The bottle that he had been drinking from that
night set in the middle of the table, untouched. I didn't remove it, nor did
he. I thought that night had turned things around for Tom. He'd let out a lot
of pent up emotion. He'd been like him old self again. But the next morning it
was back to the old morose depressed Tom
Three weeks after the incident, I started back to school. It was my senior
year. I did all the chores around the house. I did the grocery shopping, and
cooking. And Tom continued in his morose downward spiral. I tried numerous
times to talk to him, to tell him I was sorry for trying to get into his pants.
But he would just turn and walk away from me.
Tom also had started ignoring the bills. The mail just piled up on the desk.
I figured if the ranch was to continue running I'd better start taking care of
that, too. So every Saturday after the chores were done and Tom had disappeared
for the day I would go through the mail. I insisted that Tom sign a bunch of
checks and I would fill in the names and amounts. I would drive into
By mid October I had run out of household money. This was a new experience for
me. There had always been a big wad of bills in a glass cookie jar on the
kitchen counter, at least a few hundred dollars. And until Tom got to where he
didn't care anymore, the money had always been there. That cookie jar money to
me had always been a lot. Tom had always told me to take what I needed and
that's all I ever took. A dollar or so once in a while, until I had to start
using that money to feed us. Then it disappeared pretty fast.
It was now empty. What I hadn't spent on food, Tom had spent on whiskey. I
took a day off from school and drove the pickup into
I was now the one that was financially responsible. I had always been
provided for before. I ask Mr. Edwards if it would be okay to buy myself some
new clothes because I'd had another growth spurt. I had shot up to six foot
three inches, just one inch shorter than Tom. I also was putting on lots of
muscle, too, doing all of the work around the ranch. He told me again to just
go ahead and buy what ever I thought I needed, and not to worry about the
money. Well, I thought groceries and clothes were all we needed for now. So I
bought four pairs of Levi's, four new plaid cowboy shirts, underwear, socks, a
pair of works shoes and a nice pair of boots to wear to school. I went to the
grocery store and stocked up on every thing I could think of. I spent over five
hundred dollars. Tom never even took notice of it.
Christmas came. School was out for two weeks. I bought Tom a new cowboy
shirt like he always wears. When I gave it to him Christmas morning, he sat
there and looked at the colorfully wrapped box in his hands. I finally got
exasperated and grabbed the box, ripped the paper off of it, yanked the shirt
out and threw it at him. He didn't flinch. He just looked at the floor. I left
the house and went out and sat on the corral fence for a long time. I would
have bought myself a present but I couldn't think of any thing I really wanted,
except for Tom to get back to being his old self. That was really one fucked up
Christmas.
When I went back in the house, the shirt and Tom were not there. Three days
later, I was doing the wash. When I stripped his bed I found the shirt rolled
up under his pillow. There was what appeared to be tear stains on it. I put it
aside and when I made his bed I put the shirt back just as I had found it.
After the New Year I went back to school, which was way better than sitting
around the house watching Tom be melancholy. I took to driving the pickup to
school every day. In June I graduated. I wasn't the top student, but I was
nowhere near the bottom. Of course, Tom wasn't there for my graduation
ceremony.
School was over and I was home all the time. Tom started not even getting
out of bed in the mornings. He had lost a considerable amount of weight. His
clothes just hung on him. He also had lost a lot of his incredible strength.
I'd had enough. I was fed up with him. I wasn't a psychologist, but I could see
that he really needed something to get him out of this funk.
Way into the night I sat up thinking. I thought a lot about what I should
do. I played many scenarios through my mind. Everything from sticking him in a
nut house to just letting him be. But I couldn't just let him be. I decided it
was time for me to take over Tom's life until he got to a point he could do it
himself.
When I got the morning chores done. I walked into Tom's room. He was laying
there with his eyes closed, but I don't think he was asleep. I called out his
name. He didn't flinch, so I walked over and yanked the covers off of him. He
was fully clothed, well, he had removed his boots. I took him by the arm,
pulled him out of bed and propelled him into the bathroom. He didn't struggle
until I started undressing him, then he resisted, pushing my hands away.
"Tom, if you don't stand still and let me get these filthy clothes off of
you I'm going to hog tie you and cut them off. And you'll still get bathed."
I said through gritted teeth. He still struggled. I stepped back and stared at
him. "It's your choice. I may be shorter that you and weigh less, but I'm
a hell of a lot stronger than you. So what's it going to be?"
His shoulders sagged admitting defeat. He even helped by lifting each foot
so I could remove his stinky socks and pants. He reeked. He stood there while I
stripped and got into the shower with him. I washed his hair three times before
the water ran clear. I soaped him thoroughly not missing a single spot. He was
in such bad shape that he didn't even get a boner when I washed his genitals
and rectum. I got one, being that I was just a teenage pervert. But I ignored
it and did the job.
After I had him dry, I shaved his face and trimmed his mustache and I
dressed in clean clothes, I marched him into the kitchen and force-fed him a
couple of soft-boiled eggs and toast. I made him drink a full glass of fresh
whole milk. After that I took him outside, sat him down on a stool and trimmed
his hair. It didn't look professional, but at least it wasn't hanging in his
eyes any more.
Through all of this there was no life in his eyes. He never looked at me. He
acted like he didn't care if he lived or died. What was I going to do to make
him care about living again? I didn't know. In the meantime, I forced him to
resume his daily routine. Everyday I had to tell him to do each thing. We got
up at
After about a month of getting through each day like this, I decided I had
to do something to get him back to him old self again. When he went bed that
night, I went into my room and stripped. I walked into his room and up to his
bed. He looked at me sullenly.
"What?" His voice was emotionless.
"Move over. I'm sleeping with you."
"Get out of here." Still there was no emotion.
"I said to move over, Tom. Now do it."
"Go get in your own bed and leave me alone." That was the longest
sentence he had spoken to me in months.
"Tom, you can either move over and share the bed or I'll sleep on top
of you."
He ignored me, and turned away from me. I took hold of the sheet he'd pulled up
over his shoulder and yanked it down. I climbed on top of him, and lay there
with all my weight on him. He tried to elbow me. I pinned his arms with a bear
hug. He started struggling and managed to turn to where we were chest to chest.
This just might work, I thought to myself, if I can get him angry.
"I'm going to beat the shit out of you when I get loose." He said.
There was a little anger in his voice. This is good, I thought.
"Yeah? You and who is helping you?" I asked, taunting him
"I don't need anyone's help."
"Haven't you noticed, Tom? Little Billy's grown up. I'm a big strong
man now. I'm as strong as you, Tom. Probably stronger."
"So what are you going to do? Rape me?" He sneered.
I knew he couldn't help but feel my boner against his leg. The thing had a
mind of its own. I ignored it and didn't answer. He glared at me. There was
definitely anger in his eyes. "You're a big strong man now, so you're
going have your way with me? Is that it, Billy?"
"No, that's not it, Tom."
"Go ahead and do it, boy. I won't resist you this time. You can do what
ever you want. Rape me if you wish. I wont' try to stop you." He muttered
as the tautness fled his body. He wept. I cried with him as I held him. When we
quieted down, I started talking to him in a soft voice.
"No, Tom. I'm not going to rape you. What I'm going to do and what I
have been doing all my life is love you. I'm going to love you, Tom, and take
care of you. That's all. I'm just going to love you. There is life after Joe.
You just have to find it. And I'm going to help you."
He stopped sobbing after awhile. He was so still I started to wonder if he
was even breathing. And then he sighed. He whispered.
"You're heavy, Billy. Let go of me and I'll move over."
I moved off of him. He scooted over, and turned facing away from me. I moved
in behind him, spooning against his beautiful back. I slid an arm under his
neck and my other arm over his chest. I hugged him to me as hard as I could.
And then I caressed his chest; as though he were a cat I was petting. "I
love you, Tom. And when you get your head wrapped around that fact and accept
it, we'll talk. Until then, it's all body language. My body telling yours that
I love you. Everything is going to be okay. Life is worth living. Go to
sleep."
It was a good while before he stopped having the heaving sighs and drifted
into a deep sleep. I eventually relaxed my embrace and followed.
I awoke the next morning lying on my back. I felt his arm hugging my chest,
his head on my shoulder and his ragged breath blowing across my chest. I could
feel his tears running down my side. I listened to his nearly silent sobbing
for a couple of minutes. I thought about the first time I'd awaken in Tom's
arms at the age of four. Now here I was again only I was as big as him now.
"I love you, Tom." I said in a quiet voice. His hug tightened and
his sobbing grew louder. I turned and embraced him, rubbing his back until he
calmed down.
"I am so sorry, Billy. I am so ashamed of myself. How can you love me?
I'm such a miserable son of a bitch. Feeling sorry for myself. For Christ sake!
How can you love me?" He blubbered into my chest. I rolled over to face
him.
“I know it's hard for you. I know you loved Joe. Why would you have gotten
yourself into this condition it you didn't? But Joe's gone and you have to pull
yourself together. I love you, Tom. I still need you. I know I'm big as you now
but I still need you to guide me until I'm grown up. And who knows, just maybe
there is someone out there waiting to fill your heart again with love."
His body tensed when I said that so I quickly changed the subject. "But
right now the cows need milking and we've got some hungry animals waiting to be
fed. Let's get up and get it done."
All morning, as we worked, I watched Tom. I didn't have to tell him to do
anything. I'd catch him every once in a while looking at me. There was a light
in his big brown eyes again. There was also a new vigor to his walk and in the
way he did things. It thrilled me to see it. When we sat down to breakfast he
grinned at me. "Damn, I'm starving this morning."
I smiled at him. "Good, I fixed us a big breakfast this morning."
We ate silently for a few minutes, glancing at each other and grinning when
we caught each other's eye. After he had cleaned his plate, wiping up the last
of the egg yolk with a piece of toast, he propped his elbows on the table and
studied me.
"We've got to go into town, Billy. There's lots of things that need
taking care of that I've been neglecting. Damn, Boy, we've got to get some
clothes for you. School starts again in a couple of months. I guess you'll be
Senior this year, huh?"
"Tom," I said quietly, "I graduated in June." If I had
slugged him in the face he wouldn't have looked more shocked. He blanched,
looking at his plate. Apparently, he didn't realize that it had been nearly a
year since he had gone into a funk
"It's okay, Tom. That's past. You are back. That's all that
matters."
"I've been out of it that long? I'm sorry Billy. I really would have
liked to have been there to see you graduate. I'm so proud of you. You carried
on and did what had to be done with me acting like a total shit, feeling sorry
for my worthless ass. I don't know if I can make it up to you, but I want to
try."
"It's okay, Tom. You're back. That's all that is important."
"So--- what do you plan on doing now?"
He still hadn't looked up from his plate.
"Anything it takes to keep you from going back into a funk."
He glanced up at me with a sad smile.
"I won't do that again, Billy."
I grinned at him. He finally grinned back. "Answer my question. Now
that you're through with high school what do you plan on doing?"
"I have applied for and have received a scholarship to the University
in
I ducked my head when I said that. I suddenly felt very shy and vulnerable.
"What are you saying, Billy?" He asked softly.
I looked up at him. I saw what I had wanted to see in his face for so long. His
eyes were misty with unshed tears as he smiled at me. The love that I longed
for from him was there. My heart thrilled. I gave him a half smirk and ducked
my head again. "I love you, Tom."
"I love you, too, Billy." He whispered. “But ----
I picked at the crumbs on my plate. I didn't want to hear any buts.
"Billy, I'm twice your age. Why would you want to saddle yourself with
an old man when you could have someone your own age?"
I looked into his face. The love and concern I saw made me feel so good. I smiled
through my tears.
"You're not old."
"Billy, when you reach my age, I'll be in my sixties."
"So? We can deal with that when we get there. Even if you'll never be
my lover, there will be no one in my heart but you, Tom. I want the physical
expression of your love, but if I can't have it, I can live with the fact, just
knowing that you love me."
"To me you're my son. I raised you. I can't be your lover. You're
young. One of these days some other young fellow is going to come along and
you'll fall head over heels in love with him."
"Well, I'm doubtful about that. I guess I'll just have to wait and
see."
"You're too much, kid. You're all grown up. I missed that happening. I
don't want to miss the rest of your life."
He stood and walked around the table. I stood and met his embrace. For
several minutes we stood there holding each other. He eventually loosened his
hug and kissed me on the cheek.
"I've missed that. You haven't kissed me on the cheek since I was
six."
I grinned and he got embarrassed. "Come on," he said, "let's
go to town. There's much you need to learn."
~~~~~
That day was a day of discovery for me. I learned that the envelopes that
Tom delivered to Mr. Edwards monthly contained checks from a trust fund that my
parents had set up for me when I was born. Upon their death the fund started
paying Tom a thousand dollars a month to take care of me until I turned
eighteen, at which time I would receive the rest of the balance. Tom had been
investing those checks since I came into his life at the age of four. He had
turned $168,000 into well over a million dollars. The rest of the trust had
grown to even a whole lot more. Needless to say I was speechless. With the
checking account that Mr. Edwards had set up for me I could have written a
check for a million bucks and it wouldn't have bounced. I'm sure glad he didn't
tell me that in the beginning.
And then he laid another bomb on me. The life insurance policies my parents
had, had paid double being their deaths were accidental. And the driver who had
run the red light had been sued. His insurance paid up without a fight seeing
that the man had been drinking. So the sum of all that had been a couple
hundred thousand, which Tom and Mr. Edwards had invested very wisely and had
seen it more that quadruple in the fourteen years that they had been doing it.
As we left the bank he held onto my arm. I don't know whether he was holding
me up or keeping me from floating off I was so high. "Hey, Billy, I've got
to get you a graduation gift. What would you like?" he asked.
"A bright red Ford Pickup. But damn, Tom, I can buy that for myself now
that you've made me a rich man."
"Ah, let me buy it for you. I may not be as rich as you but I've got
more money that I can spend in three lifetimes."
"Okay. It'll make it extra special coming from you, Tom."
So we stopped by the Ford Dealership to see what they had. Tom ended up
ordering it special. It would be six weeks for delivery. That was great; just
in time for the start of my freshman year in college.
~~~~~
On the way back to the ranch Tom was very quiet. Since breakfast that morning
he hadn't stopped talking. I looked at him as he gazed out the window, deep in
thought.
"I've got a penny." I said.
"What?" He asked and then realized what I meant. "Oh, it's
nothing. I'm just being a little pensive."
"Want to talk about it."
He looked at me as I drove, not answering. I let it be, figuring when he
wanted to talk, he would. Besides, I had lots to think about with all this
newly acquired wealth. I couldn't see letting it change the course of my life,
but it would obviously make it easier. I thought that the first thing I would
do was return the scholarship and let the money from it go to someone that
really needed it. Other than that, my mind didn't get very far as I guided the
pickup down the road.
Tom shifted in his seat. I turned my attention back to him. He was watching
me. There was a slight frown on his face. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow
in query.
"I guess that now that you're going to be eighteen soon and have lots
of money you're not going to be needing your ol' uncle any more, huh?"
I almost lost control of the pickup. I hit the brakes and swerved onto the
shoulder, skidding to a stop. I turned off the engine and swiveled around in my
seat.
I was pissed that he would feel that way. But it seemed to be part of his
character to belittle himself. I suppose even more so after the last year. If I
had my way it wasn't going to be that way for long. We faced each other sitting
on each end of the old pickup's bench seat for what seemed like minutes,
staring into each other's eyes. His arm was resting on the back of the seat. I
laid my arm on top of his gripping his bicep. He turned his hand over and gripped
mine.
"What the fuck are you saying, Tom? You think I'm that shallow? That
money may make things easier, but it's not going to change my life. I know what
I want and that is not going to change. The only thing that can change what I
want is you. If you don't want me in your life I'll leave. Not willingly. I
will leave only because that is what you want. If you don't want me to leave,
then I am right where I want to be. With you. Got it? I love you, Tom. Life
would be nothing without you. All that money is worthless without you."
"It's not difficult to love you, Billy. You are the most generous,
gentle and kindest man I have ever known. I've loved you all your life, first
as my nephew, then as my own child, and now as one man loves another. I love
you, Billy."
"You don't know how much that means to me, to hear you say that. For
three years I've yearned for your love and attention. I'm starved. Would you
make love to me when we get home, Tom?"
A look of disappointment and aggravation filled his face. "No, Billy."
He said. "I love you as my son. As your father I cannot love you the way
you want."
"You're not even related to me by blood."
"Even so, I am your father in every other way."
"So why didn't you adopt me?"
"I figured you would want your daddy's name when you grew up."
I started the pickup and made it back to the ranch. I was thinking so hard,
fast and furiously that the driving was done on automatic. I was one twisted up
cookie. I guess I'm rather perverse. I knew when I asked, that he wouldn't give
in to my lust. One would think that I'd have learned months ago, the first time
he'd refused me. I suppose I was getting the different kinds of love jumbled in
my head. Yeah, that's what it was, I was mixing up lust with the love I felt
for this wonderful man that had raised me.
We unloaded the stuff we had purchased in town and put it all away. As I
pulled a couple of cans out of a bag of groceries to put into a cabinet, I
paused and looked at Tom.
"What did you mean you love me as one man loves another? I don't quite
get it."
Tom stopped with his hand in a bag and considered how to answer my question.
"Well, let's see if I can explain this. It's kind of like being really
good friends. Camaraderie. You know intimate, loyal, comradeship. Buddies. Do
you understand?"
"Hmm." I nodded, as I finished unloading the contents of the bag
into the cabinet.
As Tom took the box of corn flakes out of the last bag to up, I wrapped my
arms around his chest. He tensed up not knowing what I was going to do. As I
held onto this big man that I had always loved, I also still felt like his
little boy.
"It would've been fun calling you Daddy all these years." I
whispered in his ear. I knew as I said it that he could take it whatever way he
wanted. I didn't mean it as a double entendre, I was glad he didn't take it as
one.
"Yeah, it would have but I was already you uncle. That was enough,
Son." He said.
"I love you, Tom. As my uncle and my father. I'll get over lustin'
after you. I'm just a perverted teenager."
"I know you are. But I love you anyway, Bill."
Bill? Where did that come from? I've been Billy all my life. Tom read my
silence right. He turned breaking the hug I had him in and rested his arms over
my shoulders. "You're maturing, Young Man. It's time to take a man's
name." He grinned at my startled look and kissed me on my nose. It would
probably have been a forehead kiss but I was taller than him now. So I kissed
him back on his forehead. I was enjoying this new intimacy even though it was
as father and son, not lovers. That was for the best in the long run
considering what happened a couple of years later.
(((((o)))))
I started to college that fall. It was a completely new experience for me.
There were lots of new people, new teachers, and new subjects. I was thrilled
to finally start learning things I wanted to know, not just what I was required
to.
Suddenly, I was the rich kid that drove the brand new, bright red Ford
pickup. Girls were clamoring for dates with me. I found myself being shy and
reticent. I guess I had always been kind of the way. But now that I was grown I
was finding it even more difficult to deal with the opposite sex. Then I met
Gina.
Gina was different. She sat next to me in Biology Lab. She was quiet,
unobtrusive and intelligent. I sat next to her for three weeks before I really
noticed her as another human being. On our first dissection project we were
told to pick partners, two to a frog. Tricia, a beautiful, but vacuous, well
stack brunette sidled up to me, being real coy.
"My name is Tricia. You wanna be my partner, Billy?" She cooed,
caressing my arm.
I immediately had a vision of her trying to slice open the frogs belly and
being very squeamish about it. I laughed. "I don't think so, Girl. And I
know what your name is, besides Gina's going to be my partner." I turned
to her, "Right, Gina?" I asked.
She took off her glasses and looked up at me. I guess that was the first
time our eyes connected with each other. I think I might have gulped as I fell
into her liquid chocolate eyes."Sure, Bill, that's right." Her voice
was soft, low, soothing. I had the urge to reach out and touch her beautiful
blue-black hair. There was no one else in the room but her. I just stood there
looking at her until she turned red, ducked her head and put her glasses back on.
Tricia flounced off to find some other poor male to do her dissecting for her.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" She asked. "Is there
something wrong with me?"
"No, you're beautiful. I never looked at you before."
She studied her book, intent on not looking me in the eyes again. "I
know you haven't." She whispered. "You really don't like girls do
you?"
I looked around me to see who had heard her question. Every one was involved
in their own activities. No one had heard. I felt relieved, but I still had to
deal with the question. "Of course I do. Why would you ask that?"
"It's just a feeling I got watching you interact with other
girls."
"Oh." I couldn't think of anything more to say. I sat there
feeling like the toad stretched out on the tray in front of us, pinned down and
tabulated.
She looked at me as I studiously avoided her eyes. "I'm sorry; I didn't
mean to make you uncomfortable, Bill. Forgive me? Please?"
How could I not? The most beautiful creature I had ever seen and she was
asking my forgiveness. Of course I forgave her. "Would you have lunch with
me?" I asked, still looking at the same page I had been studying for
several minutes. Did it even have anything printed on it? I couldn't have told
you.
"I'd love to." She answered.
At the end of the period we gathered up our books and floated out the door.
At least I did. I think the only thing holding me down were my books. We got
out to my pickup and I opened the door for her. As I shut it. I heard Tricia's
strident voice.
"Just what one would expect of a stupid ranch rat cowboy. He found
himself a squaw."
I saw red. I looked at Gina to see if she had heard. The window was up and
the door was closed. She looked oblivious to it.
"Jealous 'cause you're not half the woman she is, Girl?" I called
to her. She raised her middle finger at me. I laughed.
"Fuck you, Billy. And my name is Tricia."
"Never you, Girl."
When she saw she wasn't going to get under my skin, she shrugged a shoulder
and walked away with her hanger-on girlfriend who was a dark skinned Mexican,
whose daddy was a wealthy grocery store owner and she drove a Blue Camaro. I
suspected that was the only reason that Tricia hung out with her. I got in my
pickup and started the engine.
"She's upset you didn't pick her." Gina said.
"Forget, her," was my only response. "What would you like for
lunch?"
"Do you like root beer?"
"A&W?"
"Yes."
"Far out."
We sat at an outside table. The fall sun warming our backs, as we munched
our hamburgers and slurped our root beer floats.
"I didn't mean to embarrass you in class, Bill." Her voice was smooth
and soothing.
I ducked my head. After a moment I raised my eyes and looked at her.
"It's true, you know. You're the only girl I've ever talked to more than a
couple minutes. Most girls I know are too clingy, demanding."
"And guys?"
"I don't know. I only ever had one friend and he moved away several
years ago. Most of the people I have ever known and been close to are grownups,
like my uncle that raised me, and the Sheriff. He's been my buddy since I was a
baby. I never really made any friends in school while I was a kid. Seems my
whole life has forever revolved around my life at the ranch."
"Your personal friends with Sheriff Chandler?"
"Yeah, He was close friends with my daddy. As long as I can remember
I've called him Uncle."
"Sheriff Chandler has been a friend of my family for many years. You
know his wife died back in August. He spent a couple of days with my dad
fishing up in
I stared at the ground feeling guilty that I couldn't have been there to
comfort him like he had me when my parents died. But he didn't come around much
anymore since Joe had been killed. Tom had kind of made him unwelcome when he
was in that depression over Joe. I've really missed my buddy. I figured I'd
stop by his office maybe on the way home and let him know I still loved him and
missed him coming around the ranch, even if Tom didn't.
With the admission to Gina that I didn't particularly care for most girls we
began a close friendship. To the outside world we were seriously dating, but in
truth it was just hanging out with each other. Our Freshman and Sophomore years
we had several classes together being our curriculums were similar. Gina was
studying to become a veterinarian, me animal and land management.
After school I stopped by the sheriff's office to see my Uncle. It had been
over a year since he'd last come out to the Ranch. When I stepped into his
office he looked up from the paper work on his desk. A fleet of emotions sailed
across his face before a happy grin settled on it. He jumped up and rushed
around to grab me up in a hug.
"Billy! Billy my boy. God I have missed you."
He held me back at arms length and studied me.
"Damn, how you have grown. You're a man now. Come, have a seat and tell
me what been going on in your life."
First I gave him my condolences on the death of his wife. He smiled and
thanked me, and then urged me on with my story. I told him about Tom's
depression and how bad it got after he stopped coming out to the ranch. He sat
there in front of me studying the floor and nodding. I told him about how I
decided that Tom had been depressed long enough and how I got him to come
around. He grinned at me when I described lying on top of Tom and telling him
that I loved him. When I finished Uncle John looked up at me. He looked sad
even though he smiled.
"So how is Tom holding up?" He asked.
"He's doing fine now. Not depressed any more, but he sure is lonely
these days. He takes turns of being very talkative and then not talking hardly
at all."
"I guess I should go out and see him." He sighed.
I don't know what made me say it. I suppose that it might have been an image
engraved in my memory of him and Tom hugging and kissing each other while they
both held me in their arms. I must have been around five then.
"He loves you, Uncle John. I think that he thought he could never
really have you 'cause you were married."
The Sheriff leaned back in his chair and stared at the ceiling.
"Well, Billy boy, he could have me all to himself now if he'd just say
so."
"Do you think he knows that.... that you're a widower now?"
He studied me. "I don't know. You want to be the bearer of that
news?"
I studied him back wondering what he was thinking behind the mask of
stoicism that had settled on his face. "Sure, Uncle John, I could tell
him."
The sheriff changed the subject to my college studies. And soon I was on my
way back home to the ranch and Tom.
~~~~~
That evening I mentioned to Tom that Eileen Chandler, the sheriff's wife,
had died a month or so ago. He stared at his food, pushing it around on his
plate.
"I know." he mumbled.
"When did you find out?" I was outraged that he hadn't told me.
"The day after the funeral."
"You and Uncle John used to be good buddies."
Several moments passed. Tom was still stirring his food.
"Yeah, we used to be." He whispered. "I wish we still were. I
miss him."
"Have you thought about apologizing to him?" I asked.
Tom's head jerked up. He stared at me. "Why should I be the one to do
the apologizing? He was just sticking his nose in where it didn't belong. He
wouldn't leave me alone. was just a distraction to him."
I studied him for several minutes, thinking he sounded like a little kid. I
could see that he hadn't gotten over his problems. He was still brooding.
"Tom?" He glanced up at me. "He loves you."
Tom pushed his chair away from the table and stared out the back door like
he'd like to break and run. He let out a long deep sigh.
"If you just go in and say hi to him. Hell, he'd let everything past be
gone."
Tom nodded his head once, stood up and shook himself. He picked up his hat
and grabbed the keys to his pickup off the hook by the door and strode out the
back door.
The next morning I got up to find that Tom hadn't returned. I milked the
cows and fed all the animals and then got ready for my first class which
started at eleven that day. As I was closing the back door he drove up in a
cloud of dust. I looked at him as he just sat there in his pickup grinning at
me. I walked over to him and he grabbed me around the neck and knocked
foreheads with me.
"Thanks, Bill. You are something else, Son. I love you, you know."
I grinned at him feeling kind of foolish.
"I love you, too, Unk."
He opened his door and scrambled out grabbing me in a neck lock. "I'll
give you unk." he said, and then kissed me on the cheek. "Ah, Hell.
You can call me Unk any time you want," he said, letting me go.
I gathered my books and turned to him. I could think of nothing to say so I
just shook my head and headed for my pickup.
"Knowing John, you'll probably run into him sometime today." He
called after me.
"I'm glad you went to see him, Tom."
"Me, too, Bill, me, too."
Tom was back to his wonderful ol' bear self. Life on the ranch couldn't have
been any better. Uncle John was thinking of retiring now that he was a widower.
In all the years I had known him I never knew he had a big spread over by the
He and Tom spent a lot of time together. They were like a couple of young
kids. If John wasn't sending the night with Tom, then Tom was over at John's. I
was happy for them. They're two of my favorite people.
(((((o)))))
The end of my second year of college was coming to a close. There were only
three more weeks. I was really looking forward to some time off from my
studies. It would be good to just be out on the ranch all day.
Gina and I were lounging on the scraggly lawn in front of the Student union.
I lay on my side, my elbow propping up my head; Gina was sitting up against me.
The late spring day was mild and glorious. We were people watching and
daydreaming.
We watched a bus pull into the parking lot and a group of kids spill out of
it. A short blackheaded kid stepped of the bus and was immediately lost in the
crowd of taller kids. Something about him caught my attention.
The group all gathered around a couple of adults who were talking to them.
And then they moved towards us. When they stopped near by to hear the history
of something or other, I looked them over. The kid was standing with his back
to me. He wasn't very tall, maybe 5'6". The taller kids in the crowd kind
of block the view. I sat up to get a better look at him. Gina turned to see
what I was looking at.
"What are you looking at?"
"It's him. I know it's him." With no further explanation I got to
my feet and scurried around the group to where I could see his face. It was
him. He was grown up and looking so much like his daddy. It was Neil that had
just gotten off the bus. He had been boy, four years younger than me when his
grand father had taken him to live in
Neil didn't know what had attacked him. I'm sure he thought that a mad man
had hold of him. I had grown about a foot and a half since he had last seen me
and weighed at least a hundred more pounds more and I was now sporting a
moustache. He was still diminutive like his dad, and just as feisty. He
struggled and got an arm loose and punched me right in the jaw. I staggered
backwards.
"Put me down." He said between clinched teeth. I dropped him and
put my hand to my jaw. He quickly did a one two three rabbit punch to my
stomach. I doubled over and he chopped the back of my neck. I dropped like a
stone.
When I started coming around I opened my eyes and looked right into his big
blue ones. I raised my hand and rubbed my jaw. There was a crowd gathered
around us. One of the adults, a teacher, was standing over Neil who was
kneeling beside me, patting the back of my hand that he held in his. Gina was
on the other side of me brushing the hair out of my face. Her countenance was
clouded with anger.
"His name is Bill Winston. He thought this black haired maniac was his
long lost buddy." She said staring at Neil, while explaining to the
teacher.
"I am." Neil whispered. His eyes watery with unshed tears.
"I'm sorry Billy, I didn't know who or what had grabbed me."
The teacher looked at me."Are you okay?" She asked. I nodded that
I was. To Neil she said that he could stay and catch up on his friendship, but
to be sure and be at the bus at
"Where did you learn to fight like that?" I asked.
His expression was rueful as he shook his head. "Billy, I'm so sorry.
It was totally reflex. When you're small like me you have to learn to defend
yourself. I didn't recognize you. You're so big and hairy. Last time I saw you,
we were almost the same size."
"Yeah, I had a growth spurt after you left."
I stood up and he stepped back looking up at me. "That was one hell of
a growth spurt. You are big."
Gina stood and watched the two of us, looking unsure of where she was. I was
so excited about running into Neil I forgot about her.
"First you beat me up and now you're making me feel self
conscious." I whined at him, teasing like we used to do.
"Get off it, you big lummox, I said I'm sorry."
"Yeah, but did you mean it? That is the question."
"Billy, you know I meant it. I wouldn't do that to my best buddy, now
would I?"
When he called me his best buddy my eyes teared up. I had missed him more
than I ever realized. I suddenly remembered Gina. I turned, looking for her.
She was still standing in the same spot watching us. Her eyes were big with
wonder.
"Neil, come meet Gina." I dragged him over to her.
"This is him, Gina. Remember I told you about him when we first met.
Neil this is Gina. Gina, Neil."
I was grinning like an ass while they shook hands, eyeing each other warily.
Gina dusted off her behind and said.
"It's nice meeting you, Neil. I'll talk to you later, Bill.” She walked
over to where we'd been lounging on the grass and picked up her books and
turned to leave. I was stunned at her actions.
"Gina?"
She turned and waved.
"You guys have fun getting to know each other again."
She disappeared around the corner of the building. I stood there with my
mouth open.
"Did I do something wrong?" Neil asked.
"No, no. She's just moody sometimes." I said, still staring at where
I had last seen Gina, wondering why she had bolted like that. I turned back to
Neil. "So you're going to go to school here?"
"I want to, but my grandfather is against it. I guess he's afraid there
might still be some of my dad around to rub off on me."
"How long are you staying?" I asked, motioning toward his group with
my chin.
"The bus leaves at
I looked at my watch. It was only
"Want to take a drive out to the ranch? We've made some great improvements
since Tom leased it. When you get it back you'll get a lot more than it started
out."
Neil looked at me kind of funny. "What do you mean when I get it back? Tom
bought it."
"Tom's only leased it until you turn eighteen. It's yours, dummy."
"I didn't know that. Grandfather told me that he had to sell the ranch to
pay for my upbringing."
"You're kidding! Tom told me one time when he was sending off the monthly
check that you were going to have quite a nest egg to start off on when you
take over."
He thought for a few moments and then he asked if we could go talk to Tom.
He looked around for his group. They had disappeared.
"Fuck it, let's go." He said.
I led him across campus to the student parking lot. When he saw my pickup, he
whistled. "Wow, this is hot, Bill."
"Yeah, Tom gave it to me for graduation. So what are you getting when you
graduate in two weeks?"
"Not a new pickup." He said glumly. "Granddad said they couldn't
afford it."
"You're joking. Your granddad is a millionaire."
"Now you're joking." He looked at me like I was crazy or stupid.
"No, I'm not." He was still looking at me weirdly. We got into the
pickup and I drove through town towards the ranch.
"Geez, Neil, look at where your grandparents live. It's the most expensive
and most desirable area of the city."
"It's just an old adobe house on the banks of the
"Yeah, and it's only about three hundred and fifty years old. Shit, man,
the original Spanish governor of
Neil had a look of total confusion. He didn't respond as he sat there figuring
the implications of what I had told him. He stared out the window.
It's funny how life does little loops on us sometimes. I had really never
expected to hear from Neil again when his grandparents had taken him after his
dad was killed. And here he was sitting next to me as we flew low, out to the
ranch.
I heard a quiet catch to his breath as we passed the road that led to his dad's
old ranch house. I reached across and squeezed his shoulder. He turned and
looked at me. He had tears in his eyes.
"I miss my dad." He said. He stared out the side window at the brown
landscape as it flew passed.
"I know." I commiserated, even though I had little memory of my
parents.
"We're just a couple of orphans, aren't we?" His