๕๕๕
One
Night in December
By
Terry O’Reilly
๕๕๕
The
following story is fiction. Although
some of the events depicted are based on actual happenings they are only
incidental to the story and do not constitute a basis in reality.
The
story is copyright, the reader may download a copy for his/her own use, but
republishing or archiving on other websites or newsgroups without the author's
permission is strictly prohibited. All
rights are reserved.
The
following story contains references to two men having strong emotional and
physical feelings for each other. You
shouldn't read it if you're below the age of consent in your community or if
said community doesn't allow you to access such material.
The
author would like to thank Drew Hunt for his inspiration in the writing of this
story. Without his love and friendship
the author would never have had the courage to even try to write a story such
as this. T. O'Reilly
Prologue
"What
a night!" I thought as I swiftly
moved across the room to the bed. The
ice pellets were hitting the windows and the wind was howling. "Probably a day off tomorrow."
I
stripped off my shirt and slipped off my boxers, crawled over the dogs curled
on their trundle next to the bed and snuggled in behind my partner who was
already breathing deeply and regularly. God,
it never ceased to amaze me that this wonderful man now shared my life. Tomorrow it would be seven years to the day. Seven years since I brought him home on a
night exactly like this one. I smiled
and nuzzled his neck and kissed his ear.
He stirred.
"Finally
getting to bed?" he asked in a voice husky with sleep.
I felt a familiar stirring in those nether
regions at the sound of it.
"Yes,
I wanted to get those papers graded."
I responded.
"Well,
from the sound of it you could have waited till tomorrow, "
he said meaning the sounds of the freezing rain and wind.
"Yeah,
well if they do close school I have other plans, and I don't mean just
decorating the tree," I pressed myself up against him, slipped my hand
across the soft hair on his chest, brushed his sensitive nipple and squeezed
his bicep and held him close.
"Promise?"
he said returning the pressure.
"Ubetchim,"
I replied in my best imitation of Little Beaver, Red Ryder's sidekick.
"Okay
then, ....... I love you, good night," he said and
with a movement he kissed the back of my hand on his arm.
"Good
night," I whispered in his ear.
"Seven
years ago tonight..... on a night just like this, I
mused. "Seven years ago............"
********************************************************************************
"Holy Shit!" I cursed out loud as I crawled
along the interstate at a snail's pace. Only
a few truckers and I had not taken the warnings of an impending ice storm
seriously. They whizzed by me like they
were invincible.
"Macho
Assholes," I thought to myself.
"Man,
if only it were a few degrees colder this would be snow," It should have
been snow. It was December for Christ's
sake: almost Christmas. That's why I was
out so late on this wretched night. I'd
stayed at school to finish off the skit for the school holiday assembly the
next day, the last day before winter break.
My eighth grade home room had chosen to do a parody on 'Grandma Got Run
Over by a Reindeer', using the school staff as the victims of Santa's errant
steeds. The kids, of course, had all
the good intentions in the world but, as anyone who works with adolescents of
this age group will tell you, their follow through is not always what it should
be. So, I decided, what the Hell, this
is probably the most Christmas I'll have, so why not? I stayed and finished it up. Now here I was creeping along the expressway
hoping the truckers really did have the control they seemed to think that they
had.
Christmas
hadn't been fun the last few years. Not
since my wife of thirty-one years had passed away in the week before the
holiday. Since her passing I hadn't done
much with Christmas. Our kids had
encouraged me to continue with the holiday traditions after giving me a year to
grieve, but I just couldn't. She and I
had loved Christmas: the decorating, the
baking, the shopping, the whole nine yards. Without her
there didn't seem to be much point in it.
Oh, sure, I did my thing for my kids and the grandkids: went to their
homes, bought presents, took pictures, but at home.... in the house ..... as I referred to it
now, well, I just couldn't.
There
was another strange thing that happened after Patti was gone. When she was here (I couldn't use the words alive and
dead with regard to her) I had several men friends with whom I played
individually on a regular basis. With
them I met my needs for man on man contact:
yep, that meant sex. I had no
qualms about it. I figured it was just
like guys going out with the boys to golf, bowl or have a few beers. It had nothing to do with Patti or our life
together. It was just a fact of my life.
I was gay and that side of me needed attention. I had made the decision
to be married but soon after found that I couldn't put aside my need for men in
my life despite the love I had for Patti and the kids. I had told her before we became engaged that
I was gay. I felt that was only fair. She accepted it and said she could live with
it. I never told her of my guy friends
and she never asked so I don't know whether she suspected or not. It just didn't seem to be important. But, after she. . . died.
. . there I said the word.......... I was overcome with guilt. I felt that, in
some way, I would be dishonoring her. I
couldn't do those things anymore. That
is, see my friends. In the first year it
was easy, as I had no libido at all.
Soon
the guys stopped calling and writing. It
didn't matter. I didn't care about that
anymore. What a strange turn of the
screw. When I was married and should
have been faithful, I had all the sex with men I needed. Now I was free to have all the sex with men I
needed and I didn't want it.
After a year things started to change. About that time I started feeling the old
stirrings. I began to check out guys I
found attractive. I even resumed visiting some of the old Internet sites I had
used. I decided that maybe someday I
would venture out and try it again but for right now I would keep a lid on it.
That's
actually why I was on the interstate on this awful night instead of taking a
safer, longer way to the house. In late
fall an obviously homeless man started showing up at the base of my exit ramp. I don't know why he intrigued me as I could
barely see any of him at all. He wore a
beat up old coat with a hood. It covered most of his face. All I could tell was that he wasn't over
weight. Well, he was homeless,
apparently, so that wasn't a big surprise.
The sign he carried confirmed it.
Please
help.
Will
work for food
Please.
Man, that tore me up.
Every time I went by I looked for him.
Every time I saw him I was in turmoil.
Should I pick him up and feed him?
He looked so vulnerable. He
either sat on a box or stood with his little cardboard sign. His shoulders were
slumped and his head was down. Next to
him was a knap sack and a couple of plastic bags full of what was all he had in
the world, apparently. I never did pick
him up. It was partially because I'd
heard so many stories about how homeless people just are too lazy to work or
that they are nothing but junkies or drunks and they just take advantage of you. But the real reason was I couldn't separate
my compassion from my feelings of sexual desire for this unknown, unseen man. My fantasies would run wild. I wound up
deciding I was not ready to take the risk.
Every time I went by and he wasn't there I was relieved. Glad that someone had given him some help. But, I also felt something that could be
described as jealousy. What was going on
with that? Every time I went by and he
was there I was again relieved that he was still okay, or somewhat okay. But
the old turmoil was there. And so it
went.
As
I approached my exit I thought, "This is stupid." He's not going to be there on a night like
this. You're taking your life in your hands driving on this fucking road just
to get a glimpse of some vagrant. You're a piece of work all right."
But,
as I exited onto the ramp and my wipers cleared off the spray some daring
trucker had dosed me with, my heart leapt.
There was someone at the bottom of the ramp. Wait, there were two someones,
no, three. What was going on? Somebody was being thrown into the roadway. The others were picking up something and
running off toward the overpass bridge. As
I approached the bottom of the ramp and skidded to a stop the guy in the road
was up and running, too. But he tripped
on the curb and sprawled on the muddy, icy ground spread eagle. I turned on my flashers and was out to the
car in an instant.
"Hey,
man, are you all right?" I shouted.
"My stuff. They took all my stuff." He half yelled,
half sobbed.
"Oh God! What am I going to do?"
"Come
on, get in the car!" I ordered.
He
started to obey and then held back.
"Get
in the car damn it!" I yelled, "We can catch
them if you move it!"
He
complied this time and I put the car in gear, ran the red light at the bottom
of the ramp and turned left. We went
under the overpass bridge.
"Where
do you bums usually stay?" I said, not thinking at all of the effect these
words might have on my passenger.
"Sometimes
we sleep up there," he said in a voice that was almost a whisper pointing
to the top of the space under the bridge.
I
stopped the car and turned the flashers on again. We ran up the side of the over pass and
checked the space under the bridge on both sides of the road. Nothing. We got back in the car and drove a bit
further.
"Anywhere else?" I said checking the sides of the road as far
as I could see in the dark and the rain.
"No,"
came the dull reply.
"Okay"
I said, turning the car around.
As
we passed the light at the exit ramp he turned to look back then turned to me
and said with some apprehension, "Where are you taking me?"
I
looked straight ahead and said, "Home."
********************************************************************************
We
drove the short distance to my house in silence. I was too busy trying not to slide off the
road to make conversation, for one thing.
For another, I was trying to figure out why, when he asked where I was
taking him, I'd responded,
"Home." I hadn't
referred to it as "Home" for a long time. There definitely was something going on
within me. Just what it was or where it
would go, I wasn't sure, but some sort of healing process seemed to have begun. He just sat with his head bowed, his hands on
the seat on either side of him.
Pulling
onto my street I hoped I could make it all the way up the small hill to the
house. I shifted the car into low gear
and we made slow, but steady progress. As
I reached the top of the hill, I hit the brakes a bit too hard. We skidded past
the driveway. I had to back up to give
it another try.
As
I stopped the car at the end of the drive I said, "Here we are, mi casa es su casa." (Spanish for my
house is your house.) "Shit, now why did I say that?"
We
got out of the car and promptly started to slide down the drive. We had to hold each other up as we walked
along the path to the door. Now that felt good.
My right arm around his waist, my left holding on to his left bicep.
When
we reached the stoop I said, "I hope you like dogs cuz
there are too good sized ones that will be overjoyed to see us and will express
it by trying to lick us to death. So, much for trained watch dogs."
The
last sentence was followed by an attempt on my part to laugh a bit but it fell
flat, as he didn't even act as if he had heard me.
I
opened the door and, just as predicted, we were accosted by Jake and Annie. Jake was a good-sized yellow lab. While Annie, though a fair sized pup, was a diminutive example of a German shepherd. They immediately lost interest in me and
enthusiastically greeted the new comer.
He squatted down and was instantly bowled over on his back, being
covered with kisses from the two writhing, ecstatically happy animals.
"Whoa
there guys, Jake, Annie!" I said feeling a bit of panic for his safety. But he was issuing the first positive noises
I'd heard that night. He was laughing. He righted himself and buried his face in
their warm, welcoming fur and hugged them close.
"Well,
thanks a lot you two," I said feigning hurt. "That's the thanks I get
for feeding your sorry faces." They
completely ignored me and kept letting our guest know that he was more than
welcome here. I had to smile and felt a
warm glow at the sight before me.
"I
get along well with dogs," he said simply.
"I
see that," I replied to his understatement.
"I
hate to break this up, but they've been inside since I left for school at
I
turned to find him still standing in the entry hall, unsure of what to do. "Come on in"
He
walked slowly into the lighted kitchen.
"Shit,"
I thought, "He's a mess and now he's really shivering."
"Take
off that wet coat," I said, almost as a command.
He
followed my orders, the hood and coat came away and I got my first real look at
my fantasy of two months. He was dressed
in a tee shirt and faded jeans with holes in both knees. He wore sneakers but no socks.
"Hell,
no wonder he was cold," I thought again.
All these articles of clothing were dirty and wet. Once more my heart went out to the poor guy. How did this happen to someone? His hair was matted and came down to his
shirt collar. It was hard to tell for
sure what color it was but I guessed dirty blonde or reddish. He had a scraggly beard that might have once
been a Van Dyke. It was hard to tell now. His hands and face were dirty. The latter was
streaked with tear tracks and marks of doggy kisses. The thing that struck me the most was his
startlingly piercing, beautiful, blue eyes.
I stared into them. Felt my dick
react and my heart beat increase. That
was it. I was in love with him. How could this be happening?
He
broke our eye contact and looked down, ashamed of his condition.
"We
have to get you warmed up," I said and headed him to the first floor bath. He walked slightly ahead of me as I steered
him by his shoulders. It was heaven to touch him. I had had a chance now to access both sides
of my new charge and could tell that in the not too distant past this was a
body that had been well taken care of. I
dropped off his coat in the laundry room deciding that the garbage dumpster
would be its next stop. I took him into
the small bathroom with its enclosed shower stall.
"You
go ahead and get in the shower. Just leave your clothes on the floor. I'll get
you something dry and warm to wear. Again
he looked at me with that "I'm sorry to put you out" look.
I
left and started to run upstairs when I noticed Jake and Annie were sitting
next to their bowls, looking expectant, wagging their tails furiously.
"Okay
you beggars," I quipped and immediately was glad our new friend was not
there to be further embarrassed by my lack of tact. I filled their bowls and they dove in as if
they hadn't eaten all day. Well, that
was true. I smiled at my own befuddled
thinking. Those blue eyes were definitely
having an effect.
I
continued my trip up to the walk-in closet. I took out my best
"You
doin' okay?"
"Fine,
thanks," came the reply over the hiss of the
steamy showerhead.
"I'm
going to put some clothes here on the toilet seat. I'll get some clean towels
and some other stuff you might need."
"Okay"
The
"stuff" I put out was a fresh razor, shaving cream, new toothbrush
and paste, hairbrush, comb and deodorant.
"Damn,
I hope he's not offended by this shit," I thought. I didn't want to
embarrass him anymore than he already was.
Awkwardly, I added,
"Well, the stuff is there if you want. No big deal," I said in an attempt to
ward off any more bad feelings. "Fuck, you're probably just making it
worse, just shut up!" I remonstrated with myself. "I'll go out and
see what I can find for us to eat.
"You're hungry, right?"
Damn, I was falling all over myself. Of course he was hungry. I couldn't even take my own advice and keep
my big mouth shut.
I
didn't wait for his response, if he even gave one. I just got out of there
before I said something else to pour more salt on the open wounds, picking up
his raggy clothes on the way. These and the worn jacket I deposited outside
the back door in the dumpster. I figured
I had plenty that he could choose from to replace them.
I
busied myself in the kitchen trying to find something to feed us. It was Thursday, I
usually shopped on Saturday morning: another pattern from the Patti days. The kitchen and I are not on the best of
terms mostly my "cooking" consists of heating things up in the
microwave, and pre-cooked meals.
I
had enough stuff to make a nice salad. Setting
out several cans of Chunky soups, I would let him make his own choice. "Hey, hot soup on a cold night ain't all that bad a choice," I rationalized. "If my students could hear me use that
word, they'd never let me forget it," I mused.
I
let the dogs out again as they had finished their meal. Then I banished them to
the living room as they were not allowed in the kitchen during meals. (Some of Patti's rules still gave me comfort.) I was just about done with the preparations
when I heard something behind me in the hallway. I don't know how long he had been standing
there but there he was, hands still hanging by his sides, but looking less
stooped, his head held higher.
"Hey,
you're lookin' pretty sharp there." "Feeling better?"
"Yes,
thank you," was his quiet reply.
I
had to admit he did look 100% better. He
had used the razor and hairbrush. He looked good enough to....... Whoa there,
hang on. He had tried to trim his beard
back to his Van Dyke and had done a reasonable job on it. His hair, while still needing a trim was neat
and clean. It was that reddish color I
had suspected, as was his beard. He was
not exactly what you would call handsome, but he had a kind of aura about him
that made you feel that he was. But,
his eyes, those wonderful blue eyes. They
were the finishing touch that made the whole look. Now that I had a chance to really see him I
estimated that he was in his late thirties, maybe early forties. Definitely younger, by far,
than I.
"I
hope you're a
"I
graduated from
"Oh
geez" I thought, another blunder by the host.
But,
he had a wry smile on his face and I knew that he was finding the situation
somewhat amusing. Again the thoughts
arose. "How could something like
this happen to someone? He was a college-educated man. How do things like this happen to people?"
"I
made us a salad. There are dressings on the breakfast counter. I thought I'd let you choose your own soup. Ah....
There's chili, too, if you like." Now,
it was my turn to be embarrassed by my lack of culinary skill. But, he didn't seem to notice and chose the
chili.
"Good
choice," I said trying to make conversation, "that's my favorite, too. Well, I'm not saying that it's your favorite,
but I just thought that, well..... You chose it so I ......
Shit, I'll just shut up now and we'll get this meal started."
He
laughed. It was a wonderful laugh. Full and rich. It filled the whole room. The tension broke and we both relaxed.
"What
would you like to drink?" I asked.
"I have wine, beer and I made some coffee. Decaf, if that's okay. I can't drink regular." "There's milk, too, I think, if it hasn't gone bad."
"Coffee
would be fine, black. I need to stay
away from the wine and beer."
Another
clue to the mystery of this guy who now more comfortably stood in my kitchen,
wearing my clothes and filling me with feelings I never thought I would have
again.
As
we ate at the breakfast bar, sitting side by side, I switched on the counter TV
to see what was going on with the storm.
They were saying that if you had no reason to be out stay in. I checked to see if he had any reaction to
those words. I couldn't discern any.
While
we sat and ate I noticed that Jake and Annie had sneaked into the room daring
to break the no kitchen rule to be near their new friend. Jake lay on the floor at his feet and Annie
stood with her head resting on his thigh.
They were definitely saying that he was welcome here. I had to agree. I didn't have the heart to banish them from
the kitchen. I silently offered my apologies to Patti. That seemed to do something inside of me. I
felt the grip of grief loosen.
"They
sure like you" I offered.
"Well,
the feeling's mutual," he said scratching Annie behind the ear causing
Jake to stand, and push his big head in for his share.
"I
guess it's my love for animals and their affection for me that lead me to
become a vet."
"Ah,"
I said, "
My
questions must have registered on my face or something because he said, "I guess I owe
you an explanation."
"You
don't owe me anything. You can tell me what you want, when you want, if you
want."
"Thanks,"
was his reply. But he didn't go on.
********************************************************************************
After
dinner, if you can label it that, I cleaned up.
He offered to help but I told him to go sit in the family room and relax. He nodded and followed my directions to the
room off the dining room. The dogs
followed. A few minutes later I joined
them. He was leaning back on the couch
with his eyes closed. The dogs were once
again at his feet. They raised their
heads in greeting but didn't change position when I decided to sit on the love
seat across from him rather than invade his space.
A
million thoughts seemed to crowd into my mind at once. What was I doing this for? I wanted to help him sure, but it was more
than that. Did I want someone in my life
again? That seemed to be becoming
clearer as the evening had progressed and I'd felt those strong feelings for
this man. But, how illogical was all
this. First, he was a homeless man I'd
rescued from a storm. What were the
chances of his being gay? Second, even
on the outside chance he was gay, he was younger than
I by probably fifteen or more years. Maybe even twenty. Would
he be interested in me? I shook my head trying to shut off the stream of
thoughts and confusion. It didn't work. I kept on thinking. Third, what would the kids think? Well, I would cross that bridge when I came
to it. "Stop this," I
remonstrated with myself again. "This
is fantasy. Your main concern is that he
get some rest and maybe get some direction for his
life, period."
With
that thought he stirred. "I'm sorry, I must have dozed off."
"No
problem, man," my contact with the kids at school and their lingo, showing
itself. "You've had quite a night. Would you like to go to bed or watch a little
TV?"
"Go
to bed I think," he said, suppressing a yawn. "I really appreciate
all of this." With that his beautiful blue eyes brimmed over with tears
and he began to cry. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," was all he could manage
to say.
I
immediately moved to the couch and put my arm around his shuddering shoulders.
"Hey, its okay, I understand." Well, I didn't exactly understand but
I knew what it meant to need to let the hurt out. I had done that plenty over the past few
years.
We
sat for a long time. He quietly crying,
sitting with his hands over his face, me with my arm around his shoulder,
rubbing his upper arm with my other hand, feeling both protective and sexually
aroused. Shit, the confusion of feelings
was almost more than I could take.
Finally
he wiped his face on his sleeve and looked at me. "I didn't mean to do that to you."
"Like
I said, I understand. I've done a lot of
that myself in the last couple of years since my wife d.
. . ah passed away. It would have been
nice to have someone to put their arms around me then." Man, had I said too much?
He
didn't say anything. He just looked into
my eyes as if trying to process the information he had just been given.
"Well,
let's see about getting you into the sack." Cringe, shit, Freudian slip. "Follow me"
I
took him upstairs and showed him the bathroom.
While he used it I made sure that the back bedroom was presentable. I hadn't used it in years but I had enough
sense to keep it vacuumed just as Patti would have wanted. The sheets were clean and the pillows fluffy. A lot better than the cold cement under the
bridge at any rate. Once more that
sensation of unbelievability regarding his situation
flitted across my mind.
He
appeared at the door behind me.
"Here
ya go." I said gesturing toward the
bed.
He
walked into the room taking in the shelves behind me with all the trophies
testifying to years of attendance at athletic activities I'd happily endured.
"Quite
impressive," he said. "Your
kids must have been into about everything."
"Yes.
You might especially appreciate these,"
I said indicating the last shelf with all the ribbons and trophies my youngest
daughter, Meg, had won showing her horses.
His
face lit up a bit and he walked to the shelf and started to examine the photos
and awards. "She had some quality animals here," his professional
expertise showing, much to my delight.
My
daughter and I had spent many happy years doing the horse show circuit and did
it quite successfully.
"Well,
I'll let you get some rest." I walked over and lightly placed my hand on
his shoulder. "Good night. If you need anything, I'm just down the hall."
He
didn't return the gesture but simply said, "Good night and thanks again."
I
went back down stairs followed by the dogs who had
come up to make sure our guest was comfortable.
I performed my usual before bed routine of putting the dogs out one last
time and straightening out the house. After
turning out the lights I went back upstairs.
The dogs were ahead of me but they didn't turn into our room. Instead they headed for his room. I quietly looked in the door. Jake was on the floor next to the bed but
Annie was on the bed curled up against his chest with his arm draped over her.
"You
lucky dog," I mused as I went to my own bed.
********************************************************************************
The
phone rang. It was a computer-generated
message telling me that school had been closed due to inclement weather, and
that we all should have a happy winter break.
It was politically incorrect these days to wish anyone a Merry Christmas
at school. I have to admit I missed the
old fashioned snow fan out where one teacher would call the next to let
everyone know that they could go back to sleep.
For years the gym teacher for my middle school had called me. He was a wise guy and always had some special
way of getting the message across. And
besides, he was quite a hunk and had a voice to match. On days that he called he often triggered a
very satisfying fantasy response.
I
rolled over and stretched out on the bed.
I thought about sleeping late but decided I should just go about my
usual routine. I looked out the window. The world outside was all crystal and
diamonds. It was unreal. It was breathtaking. It was also frightening to think that he
would be out there somewhere in this if I hadn't decided to take the interstate
home. I smiled. I'd used the word home again. It wasn't just 'the house'now.
I
tiptoed down the hall. The dogs were now
both on the bed. I smiled and shook my
head. He was on his back, mouth slightly
open, a bit of spittle running down his cheek.
Lying on his back he was slightly tenting the heavy covers. "Wow," I couldn't help thinking, "If
he can make that comforter stand up he must have. . .Uh
oh, there I go again."
"Come
on," I gestured to Annie and Jake. They
seemed to want to ignore me, being content to stay and guard their buddy. "Come now," I mouthed and gave the
hand signal.
Reluctantly,
they jumped down. He turned on his side
away from me denying me the joy of imagining what lay just beneath the covers.
We
went downstairs and out on the deck. I
had slippers on and was in my boxers as well as shirtless. I immediately broke out in goose bumps and
headed back inside while the dogs slipped and slid all over the ice rink we now
had for a back yard. Bringing them back
in, I fed them. I took my morning
vitamins and medications before heading for the basement to do my normal work
out.
I
was about half way through my work out when the dogs arrived downstairs
announcing the arrival of our guest. When
he rounded the corner, his eyes perceptibly widened as he saw me sitting there,
legs spread taking some deep breaths, having just finished my final set of
bench presses. His eyes swept my frame
from top to bottom. I was sure he
hesitated when he reached my groin. I
was gratified by his response to my semi nakedness. Hope bloomed in my chest.
Then
he said, "Wow,
this is some home gym."
"Well,
it could have been in response to my bod, couldn't
it?" I hoped.
"Yes,
I guess it is. I set it up for my son, Pete, when he was into football. I coached his jr. league
team. I wanted to make sure he was getting the right technique when he decided
to bulk up for high school."
"Well,
it sure looks like you have gotten some good use out of it yourself."
Once
more I believed all things were possible. "Thanks, I try. It gets a little tougher as you get older." Now, why did I say that and draw attention to
the difference in our ages?
"You
can't be all that old and look as good as you do."
"Am
I hearing this right?" I thought. Oh happy day.
"You
said you had kids?"
"Uh
huh, four: two girls, two boys. Meg, Kathy and Peter are married. Meg and Kathy live here in
"Not
possible," he said.
Things
were really looking up now. "And
Mike is the oldest. He lives in
Uh oh. . .TMI, too much information. His face went blank. He stared at his feet.
"Well,
um, I think I'll go upstairs and let you get done down here. Um I'll see you later." With that he turned abruptly and left.
Oh
shit. Things had been going so well. Or
so I thought. Had I misread his
interest? The dogs followed him out the
door. Annie turned to give me that "won't
you ever learn?" look and disappeared.
I
hadn't even thought to sensor that last bit of news about Mike and John. The whole family had accepted that Mike was
gay so well. John had been welcomed
just as the spouses of the straight kids had.
So I never thought it would come as a shock. I was so used to being open about it that it
was out the door without thought to how he might take it. But, why had he reacted that way? Was he homophobic? I let it go and finished my work out. I was letting my imagination go too far.
Going
directly to the downstairs bathroom, I showered, shaved and made myself
presentable. I came out and went looking
for him. He was standing in the living
room staring out the big bay window. The
sun was just beginning to come up. The first rays were hitting the ice
encrusted trees and shrubs. The effect
was magical. I came up behind him and we
stood looking out the window together. I had always loved sharing special
moments like this with someone I cared about.
It felt good to do it again. He
turned to me and once again his eyes shone with tears, mirroring the glistening
panorama beyond the windowpanes.
I
smiled what I hoped was a sympathetic encouraging smile. He took a deep breath and said, "Can I make us
breakfast?"
"What
the Hell is this?" No sudden declaration of love, no falling into each
other's arms fulfilling our mutual desires?
Just, "Can I make us breakfast?"
"Uh.
. . Yeah sure," I mumbled trying to regain my balance and get my thoughts
based back in reality, not this fantasy I was having behind the scenes. "I think I have eggs and stuff."
"That's
great." He walked past me into the
kitchen.
For
the next hour I helped him find what he needed while he made the best breakfast
I had had in years.
"That
was wonderful," I said,
"You sure can cook. You're hired if you want the job?" Oh no, did I do it again?
Evidently
not cuz he just smiled and said, "Thanks, I
really enjoy cooking."
********************************************************************************
After
we'd cleaned up the kitchen and had tried in vain to take the dogs for a walk
on the slippery sidewalks, he asked, "Can we talk?"
"Sure."
"I
think it's time that I came clean with you."
"Only
if you're ready," I said, hoping he was.
We
walked into the family room, sat at either end of the couch facing each other. I tried to get my face shaped into a look of
patient anticipation. Inside I could
hardly stand the suspense. I was finally
going to hear his story.
We
sat there for what was probably five minutes.
It seemed to me like hours. I
surmised he was trying to collect his thoughts.
Deciding where to begin. Stirring up the courage to
talk about it. I was just about
to think he'd changed his mind. I was fighting the urge to fidget.
He
took a deep breath. "I was married." He began. "Her name was Julie. We met in Vet school at State. We were married before we graduated." His words were simple; he hesitated before
each sentence, as if he wanted to be sure he said it just right. "After graduation we set up a
veterinarian practice backed by her father.
She did the small animals and I did the farm stuff, primarily horses."
The
little clues I had been getting since his arrival were falling into place.
He
continued, "Things went very well for a couple of years, too well. Our practice grew. Julie became involved in research as well as
her general practice. She published some very good studies and was in demand to
present her papers at conferences around the country. She couldn't keep up with her patients at
home so we hired a vet to hold up her end of the practice. I was spending more time in the office. The
new vet and I became . . .ah. . . quite close."
He
paused for so long, I thought he might be hesitating
to go on.
After
a while he began again. "We began sharing meals together at the house
after the clinic was closed for the day.
One night we decided to share more than the meal. We were in the bedroom, undressed, on the bed
just starting to . . . well just starting.
We actually hadn't done anything.
And.......
He stopped again.
After
a time I prompted, "And Julie came home?"
"Yes."
"Her
flight out of
"She
freaked out, she yelled and screamed and called us all sorts of names. She ordered us out of the house. I didn't
know what to do, so I just left. I went
to a motel ..... Alone.
"Over
the next months she sued for divorce, sued for the practice, everything. During that time I started to drink. I was devastated. I was humiliated. I sank lower and lower. The final straw was that I discovered that
she had been seeing someone else herself and wanted out of the marriage. She
had just used this as an excuse to make it happen on her terms. That's when I gave up. I had nothing left. I couldn't get a job as a vet because of my
drinking and because of the influence of her family. I don't even really remember how I got to
Now
it was my turn to have tears in my eyes.
I wanted so badly to take him in my arms and just hold him and show him
that someone cared, cared very deeply. I
didn't know what to do. I just sat there
for the longest time. We were both
crying softly. The dogs did what I
couldn't. They put their heads on his
lap. He buried his face in their soft warmth and acceptance.
Finally,
and to this day I don't know why I asked this question but I did, and now I am
so glad I did, I asked, "Was the other vet you hired..... a man?"
He
sat for so long I thought he hadn't heard me.
I was about to ask again when he slowly raised his head and turned to me. He looked down at the couch, then into my
eyes. Beautiful blue
eyes sparkling with tears boring into mine. "Yes, he was, was all he said.
********************************************************************************
We
sat there in the family room for almost an hour. Neither of us saying
anything. Each
with his own thoughts. Mine were on the lines of where do I go from
here? How do I tell him I'm gay? Tell him that I want him to be whole and
happy again? How to let him know how
much I cared for him...... loved him? I
had never been down this road before. The
guys I had played with were in the same situation I was. We were married and we got together to have
sex and get relief. We liked each other. But, this was different. This was love, at least for me. I felt myself getting anxious, panicky. I had to say something. Do something.
But, what?
"Well,
I guess I better be going," he said.
"What!
Where?" I asked.
How lame is that?! "Say
something you idiot! This isn't how you
want it to end! Say something! Let him know that you love him, want him to stay!"
"I
guess back to the bridge?" "Where
are my clothes?"
"I
threw the fucking clothes out! I shouted
"and the hell you are going back to that bridge." "Oh, now
that's the way to approach this. Way to
go, jerk," I thought to myself.
His
eyes got wide and he recoiled from me physically. I got up and started pacing the floor running
my hands through what would have been my hair if I'd had any. He and the dogs followed my every move.
"Damn
it, shit, fuck!" I yelled. His mouth fell open and Jake whined. Annie, the sensitive one, rose and tried to
jump up on me and make it all better, her tail between her legs. "You're
not going back there! Unless you want to
go naked cuz I threw your fuckin'
rags away. Those are my clothes you are wearing. And if you leave with them I'll call the
police and have you thrown in jail for robbery.
At least there you'll be warm and have three meals a day and I won't
have to worry about you anymore. . ."
I
was desperate. I knew this wasn't the
way to go but I couldn't stop. All I
wanted was for him to say he would stay and love me for the rest of our lives. Then it was me who was crying, sobbing. And it was him who was holding me kissing my
tears away.
"How
can you care about me?" he said. "A failure, a faggot, a drunk?"
"The
drunk we can handle, the faggot makes us even, and the failure you are not,"
I said still sobbing, but this time knowing the tears were changing to joyous
ones. "And by the way," I
countered, "How could you care about me, a depressed, old queer living in
this house of memories? Answer me that."
Then
we were both laughing and crying at the same time. The dogs were jumping around
barking. They seemed to be celebrating
with us. Celebrating the union of two
souls who had found what they had been looking for, for so long.
"Hey,
I have an idea," I said,
"Let's decorate the house...our home for Christmas."
He
kissed me.
Epilogue
"You
still awake?" he asked.
"Yeah, just thinking."
"Oh?"
"About us. How we met and how I fell in love with you,
and. . ."
He
turned over and silenced me with a kiss.
"I can't wait until tomorrow."
"Me
either," I whispered.
Our
lips met. Our tongues entwined. Our spirits soared. Once more we explored each other's bodies
with both our hands and mouths. The
thrill was there, just as fresh, just as deep as that day, seven years ago,
before the newly decorated Christmas tree when we had shared our love for the
first time.
Then came the moment of union. He slid easily into my waiting body. I looked up into those incredibly blue eyes,
those eyes that had sparked my return to life and love. We were one.
We were one in flesh, spirit and soul.
Our passion mounted and the moment of fulfillment came. Simultaneously we reached the peak. Simultaneously we gave each other the essence
of our maleness. Simultaneously we
uttered those amazing words,
"I love you."