“Ok, now that nobody else
is around to impress, just how far you plan on taking this?” I asked with my
arms crossed at the breakfast table.
“Whadda
ya mean?”
“You know, the whole
leather thing, how far are you planning on taking this?” I asked again as I
uncrossed my arms to pour a cup of coffee. I knew from fighting with Michael
that I was perilously close to being whiny, and was trying to stay clear of
that territory as no one thinks a whiner is cute.
“Guess
as far as I want.”
“
“What? Are you scared I’ll hurt you or
something? Do you really think I’d do
something like that to you?”
“
“Is that all?”
“Then since I promised
not to enslave you or injure that pretty white ass, can I read my sports page
now?”
“But
“I’m not planning to make
you a slave or anything like that, at least not all the time. I just like a little variation and… you know,
some roll playing once in a while… So relax, will you? Shit… Do I need to buy
you some Kotex now?”
“Ummmm,
can you wait a while hon? I’d like to talk; we have
so much we’ve never discussed.”
“Ok, what’s going on
Alex? Why all the mystery talk?”
“Nothing to be worried
about baby, we’re ok… I’m just… I figured we both had all afternoon with no
responsibilities for a change, and there’s a lot we’ve never discussed… I mean,
mostly everything has fallen into place amazingly well. I mean hell dude; you’ve gone from “hey, hey,
hey, I ain’t that way!” I said in a high-pitched
mocking voice imitating the first night we met. “To boyfriend with… well, a lot
of fucking drama, and a few freaky fetishes.” I added blushing as I fingered
the very light bruises on my wrists from the handcuffs.
“Baby,” He reached out
and touched my face, “what’s on your mind?”
I just reached up and
held
“Everything has just come
so easily, so quickly, but we never discussed any of it, and I don’t just mean
that whole leather thing, I guess we’ve covered that now… But I mean… you, me, us…” I trailed off for a moment before adding quietly,
“Jason…”
“I didn’t know there was
a Jason problem.”
“No, no, I don’t mean
like that… Shit, none of this is coming out right…” I cursed. “I mean… between that phone call you made,
and when I found you, what happened? Not
the whole Gene thing, I-I know what happened there…”
I was going to go on but
“Ok, you’re right; we did
kind of… go right over this without ever talking about it.”
“When I left you after Disney
I was… God damn dude, I was walking on air Alex, I was so fucking happy I
couldn’t stop smiling… I was hoping to just go home and call you and… listen to
you talking… I love listening to you babble,” He chuckled, “kinda gay huh?” He
smiled demurely. “Anyways, I freaked when Phoebe answered my door when I
started opening it, and she was beyond pissed, she was fucking screaming at me
and hitting me, She’d not only found the condoms and stuff I had wrapped up for
your birthday sitting on my bed, she went in and began looking for you on my
computer, and she found all our letters and the pictures you sent. She’d gone there because some sorority sister
who’d graduated last year was working at Disney, and she called Phoebe after
she saw us. But Alex, I tried lying to
her, saying we were just goofing around, but she’d read our letters… She
knew. Alex, I tried everything I knew, I
even tried breaking up with her, but she was soooo
mad, she kept saying that I wasn’t going to embarrass her like that, and that I
wasn’t going to cheat on her with a guy, that I’d get over this gay thing you
tricked me into. That I wasn’t going to
leave her for another guy…”
“So before you came home,
I called Glen, and told him everything, and he pleaded with me not to do this…
but… Alex, I was so totally fucking scared… all I could think about was her
telling my team and the frat… So I told him-Glen, to come over here and wait
for you and to call me when you got home… I wanted him someone to be here… to
take care of you and watch you… You know the rest.” He mumbled, hanging his
head in shame. “I swear Alex, I broke inside when I
heard your voice, when I heard you pleading… I wanted to die knowing what I was
doing to you… I swear to god Alex, part of me did die.”
Austin got up and went to
get a couple of beers from the fridge after deciding his cold coffee wasn’t
what he needed then, even though it was only noon, he opened them and came back
over to sit down. “I’m thinking this is
a beer moment.” As he handed me one.
“So for a week or so I
was accompanied everywhere by her or a friend of hers, I wanted to check on you
but she wouldn’t let me… And then I got really depressed and just stopped
talking to anyone, I stopped doing anything.
I stopped going to the frat and stopped working out; I even stopped
fucking eating. Finally, Bryan and two
other guys came over and got Phoebe to leave, and started asking me questions,
I got way pissed off and tried to hit one of the guys, but I was so fucked up,
he caught my arm and pushed me down on the couch.
“Maybe a few other
brothers I didn’t know that well were ok and just wanted me to get better and
stop being so depressed, the guys I never liked were all bent out of
shape. They wanted to toss me out, but
then the president said that he was gay too, and that he’d come out too,
publicly; if they tried anything, so they all backed down. Bryan came with me when I told a few of my
baseball buddies, they weren’t as cool, and I told them I was bi, not gay… which
is probably true but didn’t seem to make any difference. Anyways, they were at
least glad I was gonna stop being so depressed and promised not to tell Harold
or any of his friends.
And two days later Ryan showed
up, and he talked to me all afternoon, and by then, I wasn’t even going home
cause Phoebe had moved in and… I just didn’t want to see her.”
“So that weekend, I came
back here with Ryan, and we were going to Michael’s party. He’d told me about you meeting Jason, but
said it wasn’t serious yet…”
“So, I showed up hoping
to surprise you, and everyone was all shocked, and you were… well, I was hoping
you’d come running into my arms. I was
sooo fucking glad to see your face.
But…well, you know…”
I felt awful even though
I knew I was well within my rights to feel the way I had then, giving what I
knew.
“So I went home with
Michael and talked to him about you and what was going on, he said I needed to
talk with you. We talked all night and left for here, your place, in the morning. I knocked and was just… I was…” He hung his
head a second, “I was crushed when Jason answered the door, I knew he’d been
there all night, he was scared shitless when he saw me… we both froze not
knowing what to do, and after a while I just made him promise to take good care
of you… and I left… “
Austin paused to drink
some beer before he went on, I motioned him to get closer on the couch, and
after he moved over, I got close to put my hand on his leg and my head on his
shoulder.
“So, I went back and
“And so I went out to try
and discover this new part of me, to find someone who could tell me what to do,
I know it sounds stupid, but I was hoping to find you there…At least some small
part of you”
I took his hand and kissed
his fingers, I didn’t know what to say or do… I felt so lost, I was feeling
everything my soul-mate had gone through, was going through again simply
because I asked… Tears welled in my eyes as I clung to him.
“But I found Gene at this
University Club, a gay bar up there, and he bought me a beer as I talked about
you… and I don’t remember much after that except flashes and dream like
moments… Lots of pain, being really fucking thirsty… the
smell of stale cigarettes. And
then you were there. He drugged me; he used things on me...” I could feel the
rage again, the desire to beat that scab to death with my bare hands. But my anger was second to
“And I guess even the two
of us, our pride, couldn’t keep us apart…”
“We have to give Ryan,
After a few minutes of
sitting in silence, just touching each other softly, I got up and went to the
table and got the Sports page, went back to the couch and sat on one side and
pulled
We had dinner with Mrs.
Tremere, Mr. Riley, and my Mom later.
Mom caught little things though,
her artistic talents had given her quite a talent for observation, she saw the
way he inched towards me when they made him uncomfortable, she watched his
manners as he asked her and Mrs. Tremere if they wanted tea, and then poured
it. I knew he was passing her tests, and
making a good impression, and… well, I’d prepared him for her so all was ok
there. He’d just been nervous that she
wouldn’t approve of us like his Mom.
That Thursday I got an
excited call from Ryan, “Hey, you two busy before your show tomorrow?”
“Well,
“I need both of you.”
Ryan almost sang he was so happy. I
started to laugh since Ryan was so suave and self-controlled usually… But he
was sure as hell happy and…bouncy.
I chuckled, “Ok, I guess
I can steal him away, but if his cream thing sucks it’s your fault!” I teased.
There was a long pause
before Ryan finally asked, “And does his cream thing suck?”
I giggled,” Not when he
adds the right amount of tarragon.”
“Uh huh… “ Ryan shot back skeptically.
Marika had been teasing
the hell out of me ever since she’d learned about
“Laugh while you can
party girl, I am sooo gonna make you pay!” I grinned at her evilly before I
closed my till.
I told Mrs. Tremere later
at home, that I was going to steal “her”
So after work I gathered
up Austin who was still in his shirt and tie from work, he was so excited since
he’d received his first pay check and we went and cashed it on our way down to
dinner.
When I pulled up to
Ryan’s driveway Michael ran outside obviously as wound up and bouncy as Ryan
had been. “Ryan just got home and jumped
in the shower, come on in, you guys like seafood?” I had never seen Michael so…
frenetic before; he was always the calmest of us.
Michael was wearing a deep
teal shirt with narrow pinstripes and a silver tie with Greek keys on it. Ryan
came out already dressed in a camel skin cashmere pull over and dark clay
slacks. After offering us a round of
martinis Ryan said we were going to Angelique’s for dinner, it’s a nice seafood
restaurant with some imaginative takes on old
Ryan had skipped the
Martinis because he was driving, but joined in on a round after we’d been
seated. I personally didn’t care much
for Martinis, but Ryan was ordering so I went along with the gang. Although I was dying to find out what was so
important I was biding my time, I knew Michael was bouncing in his seat like
fire ants were climbing up his leg.
“So why’d y’all ask me
down here anyways.” he blurted out between drinks.
Ryan and Michael looked
at each other conspiratorially and broke out grinning and Michael blushed. Suddenly
“What? How??? What??? When???” I stammered as
“These are only our
engagement rings, Ryan asked me to marry him Wednesday night at dinner.”
Michael said grinning and blushing as Ryan took his free hand and kissed his
fingers.
“Congratulations!!!!!!!”
Austin and I squealed, well I squealed,
Ryan hugged and kissed
Michael and Michael melted showing his gentle soul wrapped in Muscles and
sportswear.
“We’re going to have a
small ceremony in
“Can we???” He finally
asked me. I was thinking about it, I’d
taken so much time off for him already, I wasn’t sure I could get any more
time. As if reading my mind, Ryan
finally said,
“We know you don’t have
much time off left after all the stuff this year, so we only need you there for
the actual ceremony, it’ll be on Saturday night and we’ll fly you out for the
weekend. It’ll be two weeks before
Christmas.” Ryan said before leaning over to kiss Michael publicly, they were
still not used to public displays of affection and it showed. Still, this was a huge step and I was elated
for them.
“Of course we’ll be
there! I’ll look at tickets as soon as I
get home.” I added as I held
“Not necessary, we
already got them for you.” Michael said grinning as Ryan began laughing. “I knew you’d agree.”
“He was certain you’d say
yes. Next year we want you two to come
out and spend time with us there, it’s so different from here!” Michael said
grinning. I was excited and knew how
excited
We ate and drank and had a
great dinner as we celebrated their choice to marry one another. Both Ryan and I went light on the drinks
since I was on that night singing, and he was our driver. Despite our efforts at grabbing the check,
Ryan insisted that he’d invited us out to dinner and he was going to pay.
“Mom!!!! Dad won’t let me pick up the bill, make him stop
being so bossy!” I said to Michael as
“Alex, you and
I hung my head, “Yes
Sir…”
“GOD!!!!! I have got to learn how you do that!!!!!!”
“So, why are you going to
“Nooo,
we lived for years in and around
“Ok, so who asked who?
Come on, spill the details man!”
Michael laughed and
pointed at Ryan, “He asked me, last Wednesday after dinner.” Michael showed us
his ring again, “He was soo romantic, and He
remembered that it was at a post Halloween party that we decided to start
dating…” Michael said with a smile that filled the room. “And it was a Wednesday after Halloween that
we had our first real date.
“So, Uhhh…”
Michael and Ryan grinned
at each other then looked to me and shrugged, “No clue to be honest, but I
think one party will do, I know Phil and Korma are getting married soon too and
we don’t want to burn you guys out.” Ryan said with a compassionate smile to
As soon as I got in I
went up to Henna with a devilish grin and asked her to help with a few plans
for that night. I gave Jorge some money
and asked him to go pick up a few things for me and asked Henna to dim the
lights for the evening just a bit. Then
I went and started writing my list of love songs and other topic related
tunes. About half an
hour before I went on, the rest of the gang showed up, Robert in his car, and Marika
and Phil in his.
I sang an entire set of
purely acoustic songs, allowing Marika, Phil, and Robert to socialize and hang
with Austin and the boys. Marika then
did her set; she was becoming quite a torch song singer and was covering Etta
James, Ella Fitzgerald, Burt Bacharach, Diana Krall,
even Dust Springfeild’s classier numbers. After a
break we all got up on stage.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” I
announced, “This last set is going out to two very special friends of mine who
got engaged this past week, so for Ryan and Michael, the last set is dedicated
to you.” I said with a warm smile at the two lovebirds holding hands and giving
each other very soulful googly eyes.
“The following is an old
song, even by my standards, it was written by Hammond and Hazlewood
of the Hollies.”
If I could make a
wish
I think I'd pass
Can't think of anything I need
No (Magazines), no sleep, no light, no sound
Nothing to eat, no books to read
Making love with you
Has left me peaceful, and warm inside
What more could I ask
There's nothing left to be desired
Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep
Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Peace came upon me and it leaves me weak
So sleep, silent angel, go to sleep
I sang the rest of the lyrics,
staring into the soulful eyes of my own blue-eyed angel, as Marika and the band
accompanied me.
Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Sometimes, all I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
And to love you
All I need is the air that I breathe
Yes to love you
As I looked around the
room, couples of every sort were getting close and a lot of hands were being
held.
I followed with Annie’s
Song by John Denver, an acoustic version of ABBA’s
‘Take a chance on me’, and Marika did a killer cover of At Last, by Etta
James. And I covered the CSNY song, ‘Our
House’. As we finished and performed our
bows, I signaled Jorge and Henna to start their prearranged parts. As Marika and Robert and Phil left the stage
I acted like I suddenly remembered something and grabbed the Microphone.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I
almost forgot, on top of my friends engagement, I have one more thing I’d like
your help in celebrating this evening,” The lights suddenly went out and Jorge
exited the back room with a huge sheet cake full of blazing candles.
“Although she tried to
keep it secret, it’s our very own Marika William’s Forty Fifth Birthday today,
and don’t let her try and tell you any differently. SO will you all help me in wishing the very
shy Marika Williams a wonderful Forty Fifth Birthday.”
And with that I began singing ‘Happy Birthday’ and was joined by the entire
unwitting audience, I could see poor Marika blushing and shocked as the huge
cake was wheeled up to her. The joke
was, only I knew that her real Birthday was in January and she wasn’t even 29
yet. Some say that revenge is best
served cold; I assume they just aren’t as naturally devious as me. I was nearly hysterical when she looked up me
with a look that could give sharks nightmares and mouthed, ‘ok gayboy, it’s on!’
Then she coolly turned to the cake and after several blows had the 60
some-odd candles extinguished. After I
left the stage and carefully avoided getting to close to Marika while she had a
knife,
“Are you gonna sing like
that for me if we ever get engaged?” He teased with a kiss.
“You planning something
you’re not telling me baby?” I asked with a smirk.
“Nyah,
I’m gonna do “Sympathy for the devil” again.” I teased back with a smirk.
“Right! You’re the devil, Marika isn’t even 30 yet!”
Marika played along
graciously, casually starting rumors that I had had a sex change, that I was
really part of the Russian mob, and that I was hiding my real marriage to an ugly
Iowan farm girl with leg braces.
I got a dangerously sweet
kiss from Marika as Austin and I were leaving, she just winked and once again
mouthed “Oh yeah, it’s on gayboy!”
“You are so screwed Alex,
come on, let’s go home and have sex while you still can.”
“So if she kills me are
you gonna get revenge or just go back to dating girls?” I teased as I hit his
shoulder with my head.
“Hmmmmm,
I think I’ll just apply to be Ryan and Michael’s house boy.”
“Hon, you don’t have to
wait for me to die to do that, I think it would be
“Shut up! No one’s
fucking me.”
“Well not while I’m
around they aren’t, but after Marika kills me, who’s gonna protect you?”
“Alex, I’m not letting
anyone fuck me.”
“Sorry
“Shhhh,
its ok, besides no one’s gonna kill you Alex, you’re mine. I’ll let her spank you, but no one gets to
kill you.”
“Baby, you just earned a
blowjob.” I said appreciatively.
“You know, I totally
fucking love when you go down on me, but honey, it would mean a hell of a lot
more if you didn’t do it every night anyways. Shit, some nights I hafta damn near hose you down so I can get to sleep.”
“Oh, I didn’t mean when
we got home.” I said with a small hint of a smirk as I turned out the light and
buckled in. I knew he loved anything wild and daring and the kinkier it was,
the better he liked it.
So on the way home I
pulled onto a long dirt road I knew and drove till we were on a boat ramp
overlooking the
His coos and growls and
the hands on the back of my head told me how much he loved what I was doing, the
enthusiastic attention I paid to his rod told him how much I loved the job.
After cleaning up we
drove home in quiet bliss. As we crawled
in bed after some coffee and a few of his latest French rolls, I got a hand on
my ass and a long grope that told me I about to be thanked for my earlier
work. As it was Saturday the next day
we stayed up till dawn, him slowly and lovingly rocking my world, kissing me
deeply and leisurely as we rhythmically knocked the headboard against the
outside wall.
Although we had our
alarms set for early
I walked out just in time
to see
“Hey Alex, is Aust…” Nathan stopped himself when he realized he was
talking to
“Nath,
what’s up?”
“Hi Nathan, what’s going
on?” I said sleepily as I walked up.
“I uhh,
I need to speak to you Austin.” Nathan said his voice strangely distant, and
his eyes showing signs of crying.
“I’ll go make some
coffee, you want something else Nathan?” I asked as I slipped into the kitchen.
“Ummm,
No, coffee’s fine.” Nathan said with what I realized were his first civil tones
with me. So I made some coffee and
grabbed the tray with all of
“Austin, It’s Joe,”
Nathan said slowly, that was the friend who’d been with them that first night
we’d met at that party.
“What, is he ok?’
“He..uhhh…
“
“Oh my god,
Oh fuck… no, oh god, nooo”
Nathan looked up at me as
I stared intently at
“Our friend Joe, we all
grew up together, he… he uh…he killed hisself
Wednesday night, I got this letter in the mail yesterday.” Nathan said. Suddenly
Nathan took the hand
written note and handed it to me.
Nath,
Hey man, I’m guessing by now you
know what I did, I’m leaving a fake note with my body for my family and the
law, but I wanted to tell you why I had to do it, you’ll know the other crap
isn’t real anyhow. Hell man, with the exception of
This is fucking hard to
do man, but I don’t see any other way.
With Love and regret,
your friend always
Joe.
I silently handed the
note back to Nathan his eyes were so tired and empty as they met mine. But
His arms went around me
and his face was on my neck, begging god to not let it be true. I wanted to say something to ease his pain,
but God has granted no words to ease this kind of pain.
“I killed my best
friend.” Nathan said in a hollow voice beside me. Oblivious
to my holding
“Scuse
me…” Nathan said weakly as he got up and went to my bathroom.
“Alex, I didn’t know,
after high school he never asked to do nothing again, I figured he was just…. I
don’t know, but I didn’t think he was gay.”
“
“I know baby,” he said
laying his hand on my cheek tenderly, “And I know you mean it… Just be you; that’s all you need to do.”
He then rose and gathered himself as I stood next to him.
“Now I’ve got to go deal
with Nath, I can’t begin to imagine what he’s going
through.”
I drank coffee while I
waited for Nathan and Austin to come out, I read and reread the letter wishing
I could have talked to Joe… I knew I’d cry over this, but not while I was
helping
Austin and Nathan came
out later, both showed signs of crying and both had that dead look in their
eyes. I walked up to Nathan and handed
him the letter, “Nathan, it really isn’t your fault… trust me, I know you can’t
love someone the way he wanted you to if it isn’t in your heart… I wish he’d
talked with me, I would have explained that to him.”
Nathan just nodded, his
eyes only meeting mine briefly.
“Thanks man… I know I ain‘t done nothing to make you
like me, but thank you… I got a lotta thinking to do
bout things… I gotta warn you though,” Nathan said
grimly.
“I told my mom and pa
bout you and Austin, and so did his parents… and… well… I learned what I did
from them, and… it might be better for you if you didn’t come along, I guess
In Nathan’s view he was
doing the right thing, he was trying to help in his own way… I would leave it
up to
I invited Nathan to stay
longer, to have breakfast with us, but he insisted he had to go and be alone. I
shook his hands as he left and wished him peace. My kindness seemed to milk a big tear from
his eye, which he quickly wiped away.
“Take care of
That afternoon I learned
all about Joe and Nathan as the three of them grew up, all the adventures and
all the things they could have gotten arrested for. I felt
guilty because as bad as I felt for Austin and Nathan, I was glad that
something had happened to spur
After dinner Austin told
me to go to the Seattle scene and play, he said he wanted to bake with Mrs.
Tremere, I suspected that there were things she could help with that I had no
idea of yet, plus baking seemed therapeutic for him.
He decided to take me out
for dinner at a local Italian restaurant before I left. They made everything from scratch, something
Mrs. Tremere was teaching him made all the difference. I hated to leave
Ok, my songs that night
were neither upbeat nor peppy, but Marika was so we played well against each
other, the counter pointing of our music worked well and we really were getting
quite a repertoire. I called Michael and
told him everything; he could be so sweet when there wasn’t an audience. He told me he was going to the funeral too,
without even asking and even though they had never met. His reasoning was that they might give me
attitude, they might be rude to
I understand from my
mother and other women that men of any age behave in two ways when upset or
feeling bad, they either isolate themselves or cling and act totally
needy. I was worried that Austin might
try and push me away especially as he would be returning to his past however
briefly, but it was quite the opposite; I almost had him sitting on my lap as I
went to the bathroom, He called me on every break and unconsciously to him, he
followed me to every room I was in. As
much as I loved how tactile and clingy he had become, how could my heart not
break at both the reason for this and the fragility of my man?
I held
The next morning we got
ready for the funeral and rode there with the entourage of Phil and his
friends, four cars filled with people who’d all gone to school with Joe except
for Michael and me.
We arrived just before
the service started and sat towards the back. It was a typical service which
spoke often of god and his love for this girl who didn’t really exist. In the end they asked Nathan, Joe’s best
friend to get up and speak. Nathan, dressed in his Sunday best rose slowly; he looked
like leftovers that sat in the freezer a year too long.
“Pardon me if this
doesn’t sound right, I never thought I’d ever have to do this for Joe.” He
choked out.
“Joe was my best friend
and I guess from this crowd, he was well liked and well thought of. He’d have
liked this attention, as he was always clown’n around
trying to make people laugh. He really loved attention from people. There were a lot of days he was the only
person alive that could make me laugh.
Hell, the night before this happened he had a whole room in stitches doing
his impersonation of a drunk dog.” A small laugh went
through the audience despite Nathan’s choking up.
“Seems to me that
sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s suddenly taken away, and
that’s how I feel right now. See, I got
a note from Joe telling me how much he loved me.” I sat up suddenly not expecting this. He didn’t say it like it was a “gay” thing,
so it could be seen as friendship love, or like it really was, Romanic love.
“I’m not sure I deserved
it, not sure I ever done nothing to deserve his love, but there it is.” A big
tear was rolling down his face.
“I was something between
a best friend and family to Joe, which means I took advantage of him sometimes,
I got mad at him sometimes, and I’d defend him against anything if he was ever
threatened. Just never knew it was him
that was the threat.” He paused as he choked back a sob. I could see the strength he was fighting with
to remain composed.
“See, Y’all know why he was
a threat now, but we played our parts too, in not listening to what he was
really telling us, in watching his jokes and antics and not seeing his pain… in
accepting that a good looking twenty three year old guy had never dated
seriously… none of us pulled the trigger but… none of us stopped it neither.”
“I have to accept the
fact that if I’d loved Joe more, he would still be here, joking, making fun of
his sister, driving his dad nuts cause he wouldn’t
clean his room… I have to accept that he was afraid to say he loved me cause I woulda teased him and made
fun of him if he had, and so would a lot of y’all… But know what? If I knew what the alternative was I’d have
damned well told his ass I loved him too, cause…” Nathan began sobbing openly trying to choke
back the tears; most of the audience was by now.
“How hard can it fucking
be to…? Sorry pastor. How hard can it be
to love someone who loves you? I don’t
know the answer to that, Never have really. I mean, I’d say he was my best friend, but love? I can’t say I ever told him that he was my
brother, that he was the one guy I cared for most in the world. And no matter how hard I try now, I’ll never
be able to tell him that until I get to heaven.”
“Cause you see, Joe is in
heaven now, he’s joking and laughing and making friends there like he did
here. Joe never done nothing
mean or hateful, hell, he was my better half as most of y’all liked to
tease. Joe was the one that kept me and
my temper and my… way of always causing trouble, from getting out of hand. He was the good cop. And he’s left me…” He began sobbing again and fighting his
demons as he tried to go on.
“Joe was the one person
besides my mom that saw good in me, even when I didn’t… he was always like that
and he mostly saw good in all Y’all, in everyone. He turned me from a schoolyard bully in grade
school to a… well, to something less of a bully by high school. And now, I think in his name I’d like to
become something more, something that would make my friend proud, I want to be
a nice person. And all Y’all who know me might laugh, but I really do.” Nathan said
defiantly
“My best friend was taken
away, robbed from me for reason’s I don’t much understand, but, I think that
means I have to try all on my own to be a better person, I don’t promise
miracles, but I’m gonna try.”
“I have more faith that
my best friend is in Heaven now then I am that I’ll be going, irregardless of
what he done. We all have questions now,
we all have parts of our hearts shattered and bleeding, broken like the windows
he’d take the shit for breaking, even though it was me or Austin who’d broke em really. But if
there is one lesson I have learned from Joe, it’s that we all have better
people inside us. And that sometimes,
it’s ok for one person to tell another that they love them, no matter who they
are.”
“I have a hole in me now,
like many of you I guess, my best friend in the world, my brother, has left me,
and it hurts, oh god, it hurts so much…”
Nathan barely got the
last part out as he had begun crying so hard, the minister and some guy I
didn’t know helped get Nathan to his seat.
And here I was crying for this homophobe who’d treated Austin and me
like less then human, who’d told us we were disgusting… but who’s pain was so
elemental, so all consuming in his grief, how could anyone not be crying? In our pew away from any eyes that might see
us,
After
the ceremony, as we gathered outside and people broke up into groups and
offered their condolences to Joe’s parents and Nathan, Nathan suddenly appeared
by us.
“Alex, I wanna ask you if
The Graveside Ceremony
was short and there were a lot of tears and I watched my boyfriend holding
Nathan as Nathan lost it. I was glad I’d
be singing later that night as I had so much emotion stored up I needed to
release.
That night, I talked over
a more somber set of songs, maybe something cathartic for
We started with our cover
of Simon Garfunckle’s song A Bridge Over
Troubled Water, with Marika doing her Artetha
Franklin cover. We did Carley Simon, and a very soulful version of the Beatles All
You Need is Love. Put
a Little Love in Your Heart, by Petula
Clark, Marika did a wonderful version of Burt Bacharach’s What the World Needs Now.
We ended with a wickedly gospelized version of Oh Happy Day. After the show we actually drove back home,
as none of us wanted to go out. I don’t
think a second passed where
“Thank you Alex, for
everything, you’ve been fucking awesome today…”
“Naaaaaahhh,
I was just trying to keep you happy so you’d pay back all that sex you owe me.”
I said with a serious face.
“No way, you got some steep
payments buddy-boy, you best start paying or else.” I said dragging a finger
across his chest.
“Else what?” he asked
sidestepping me to get behind me.
“Else someone’s gonna
find out what the word “Versatile” means…” I said walking into the bedroom.
“Like Hell!” was his only
reply as he ran in and scooped me up and laid me out on the bed, unlike his
sometimes caveman like finesse at sex, which to be honest, I actually kinda
liked, Austin was trying to learn the art of seduction, something I had to thank
one of my friends for. I wasn’t quite sure whom yet. So for several hours I was teased, tickled,
caressed and slowly stripped. After a
crescendo of athletic and almost acrobatic wild monkey sex, I was left as
little more then a spent and happy puddle on the bed.
“Well?”
“