As far as I was
concerned, talking to
fortunate at least that I
was forced to wait until I'd found out where he
lived before I could even
think about going to see him. There was
only
intermittent talk that
night between Jason and I. Most of the talk concerned
how after Sunday Jason
wouldn't see me again until I'd had my talk with
I was emotionally crushed
and my mouth was dry... How could Jason do this?
I knew he didn't want to,
I could see it in his eyes how much he wanted me
to stay with him. But I
also knew he wouldn't budge on this. God
I hated to
be confused almost as
much as I hated stubborn men.
There was no more sex
that night, how does one have sex after a message like
that one? But the next morning I awoke when I felt
Jason moving around as
he got up. So I got up as well, and we showered
together, mostly in
silence. I made two passive attempts to wash him and
initiate something but
he withdrew, and it hurt
as though he'd slapped me. After a quiet breakfast
filled with stolen
glances and orange juice, Jason finally said:
"Look Alex, I only meant that now that I came out,
you know, admitted
everything to you, that
we couldn't go forward until you figured things
out... I'm sorry if it
came out wrong..." he said grabbing my hand on the
table.
I looked up with a tear
in my eye,
"I know Jason, but all I want to do is hug you and
make this weird mood
end."
"It will Alex, you just have to have your talk with
so much still going on
between you two... Sometimes I don't know who I'm
kissing. And sometimes
I'm not sure who you think you're kissing." Jason
said with a squeeze to my
hand.
I nodded and turned my
hand over in his as I looked up in his eyes.
"I'm sorry baby. It's always been me and you,"
I said with a weak smile.
But I lied;
called out his name...
but he was there none-the-less. It hurt
me that I
had allowed Jason to see
this; I had been caught so squarely I couldn't even
deny it effectively.
After breakfast, we
cleaned up and we went clothes shopping.
It was
apparent that Jason was
trying to cheer me up. Afterwards as we
said
goodbye, I gave him a
huge hug and kiss right in the middle of the Altamonte
mall. A few people made comments so I walked him to
his car then walked to
my Jeep and drove home
lost in my thoughts.
Somehow, I missed
everyone after I got home; they all assumed I'd still be
at Jason's... Hell, so did I.
At work the next day Mr.
Riley came over with a rose and a grin.
"That performance was wonderful Alex, just
wonderful! I had such a good
time! Ohh, this is for you, I gave Marika the other
11." He grinned
sheepishly.
"So...uhhh... Francine, is she... ummmmmm" He
stumbled along until I got a
smile on my face and
said,
"Yes sir, she's available, single, and lives next
door to me" He caught my
grin and blushed a
little.
"I would really like to invite her out for a dinner,
do you think...?" He
asked pausing.
"That she would go
with you?" I asked, and he shook his head like a kid.
"Yeah, I really would like to take her out to
dinner." He volunteered.
I thought for a moment.
"Ok, but if it works out between you two, you have
to make me Vice
President of this
branch!" I teased
"No." He said seriously,
"You have a bigger path Alex, and it's with a guitar
and Marika, not here
at the bank."
He finally grinned as he
let me in on his approval.
"Ohhh Yes and here's a new guy named James, he's
from
we just hired him. You,
Marika and Chris will be in charge of training him."
Mr. Riley said, as he
escorted a nervous, young, cute, partially Asian guy
over to the windows. We put James in-between Marika and me, and
talked
while we counted our
money. He caught on quickly and seemed
to be a natural
at customer service.
By Tuesday afternoon, I
was making obvious mistakes, so Mr. Riley took me
into his office and
closed the door.
"Ok, what gives Alex?"
I himmed and hawed and
finally told him the basics. I told him that
had tried to talk to me
at Michaels party and that we had fought., Well...
"I" had
fought... and Jason told me we needed to talk before he and I could
resolve anything.
"Alex, How about going to see
He asked me.
"Marika and I have to perform Friday night and
Saturday Sir"
I said back without
emotion.
"How good are you going to be, if you're like this
all week?" He sighed,
I just looked up at him
with dead eyes.
"Fine, Cut out early
on Thursday and go up there, then call me and let me
know what's going on
Friday. I'll add this to your sick days."
Mr. Riley offered.
"James should be mostly trained by then, and if you
keep up like this
you'll drive us all
crazy. Or I'll be forced to let you go."
He said with a grin.
Then he gave me a card
and said,
"This is my home number, call me at home if you're
gunna be late or absent
on Friday."
I took it and put it in
my wallet. I looked up and thanked
him. Then, I
went back and tried to
concentrate on my work.
In the evenings,
"The Tellers" practiced some new songs and refined the old
ones. Marika did a cover of 'Easy to be Hard' form
HAIR, and I was working
on a cover of the
Dyvinals "I'm on your side".
Phil did a solo Spanish
guitar piece.
On Wednesday, I had
dinner in DeLand at a great little Italian restaurant on
the corner of Woodland and
Indiana that made homemade pasta and sauces.
Ryan and his Michael sat
with me. Vinnie, the owner knew me well
and we got
excellent service;
sitting outside and watching the light fade from the sky
and the trees along the
brick lined street, lighting up with strings of
fairy lights. As we sipped coffee after dinner, Ryan spoke
up.
"I think I owe you an apology Alex, and maybe Jason
too." He said with a
strong face.
"Why's that Ryan? I mean, I know you don't like him,
but you haven't done
anything to apologize
for." I said.
"I didn't give you credit for being old enough or
smart enough to make your
choices, and you owe
Michael here some credit, for making me see that.
Also, Austin actually
made me promise to give Jason a chance as long as he
treated you right."
Ryan said holding my gaze a second too long.
I turned to Michael,
who'd been quite during this,
"I have you to thank huh?" I smiled at the big
dark haired athlete.
"Maybe a little" He grinned at me before
adding,
"I saw you and Jason and watched the way he treated
you, and looked at you,
and whatever else he was
doing, he's obviously in love with you now."
Then Ryan added,
"And Michael pointed all of this out, and Austin
told me to give him a
chance. So..."
I smiled, got up and
hugged both of them before sighing and sitting down.
"Well, I'm glad that's done with, but now it's my
turn to apologize and ask
you if you know how to
get in touch with Austin." I said to Ryan.
As he
wrote the address down
for me on a business card, I explained what Jason had
done and what Mrs.
Tremere had said to me. I decided not to
say that Austin
had been in my thoughts a
lot too.
The three of us talked
for several hours, then I bussed our table for Vinnie
and we went back to my place
for a short visit before the two of them headed
back to O-town. I went to bed, had a strange sleep, and
tossed and turned
until morning.
The next day I was so
stressed out, and no matter what anyone did to try to
calm me, I was still a
wreck. Finally, at 2:00 I took the address Ryan had
given me and after
grabbing a small bag I'd packed, took off from work.
James, being really cute
as I was leaving,
"Good luck Mr. Johnston Sir."
I scuffed his black hair
and thanked him. Calling "me" a Sir.
How adorable
was that?
It's a damn long drive
between DeLand and Gainesville, but the ride up
through the Ocala
National Forrest is gorgeous. However, all the demons and
monsters of uncertainty
were out to try to turn me back. How
would I talk
to him? Could I talk to
him with out hurting him? What if he
wanted me
back????????
But Jason, ohhhh god,
poor Jason... Could I hurt him? Was it
in me to
hurt him? Every bit of logic I had was telling me to
grab onto Jason... So
why did it seem so wrong?
All I had to do was talk
to Austin; it's all I had to do. No
matter how
often I repeated this
mantra, it didn't make it any easier.
It was 6:12 when I
finally pulled into the parking lot that Ryan had told me
to. I sat there trying to
summon the strength for a confrontation.
It never
came but I somehow got
the nerve to get out of my Jeep, and march towards
the building.
Apartment 215, second
floor in the back... I marched up the stairs, past the
cream coloured doors and
stood before 215 hoping it would cease to be... I
closed my eyes and willed
myself to have strength... It didn't work, but I
tried it
none-the-less. And then, like a ghost I
watched my arm rise to
knock on the door.
After a few minutes, a
tall blond girl opened the door and stood there.
"Hi, Can I hel..."
Her pleasant smile turned
to an icy stare.
"Alex!"
Her Mississippi accent
accused with a mixture of lace and pig iron.
"Hi, You...must be Phoebe then."
I said not even bothering
to smile.
"Your too late Alex, He left me, He left me for you
two weeks ago. If
you're here to rub it in,
go ahead, I'll have the last laugh."
I raised a hand as she
was confusing me.
"Phoebe, He isn't with me, He tried a few weeks ago
and I-I..." It hit me
what I had done, "I threw him out." I blurted.
She stood gaping her
mouth like an idiot.
"Then where is he?"
She asked forgetting her
anger.
"That's why I'm here, I need to have a talk with him
and find out what
happened."
Her eyes narrowed, as she
looked me over.
"He was dating me and then met he you, fell in love,
and... neither of you
thought of me for one
blessed second."
She said with the voice
of a Chinese empress.
I hung my head a bit.
"I'm sorry Phoebe, I really am, the day I met him I
didn't know there was a
girlfriend, I guess I
didn't wanna know to be honest."
She opened her door and
invited me inside so no one could hear us.
"Listen Alex,"
She said with a sigh of
confession.
"I have been in your place, It's how he and I
met. It's how he always goes
to another girl fr...
someone else."
She said in a low soft
voice.
I looked at her not
comprehending her admission.
"Before me was Danielle, I began to date him while
they were still dating.
He had painted her as
cold and unfeeling, but she isn't. I
don't know what
all he told you, but I
really loved him with all my heart. I wanted to be
his wife." she
looked out her window as a tear trickled down her cheek.
"If I hadn't been so shocked, if I hadn't found out
what he was doing, if
my sorority sister hadn't
called and told on you guys... Maybe I would have
reacted better... I don't
know." She said wistfully.
.
"If I wasn't gay?"
I offered quietly. That snapped her out of it.
"I-I- Alex, My best friend is a lesbian and has been
for years. I was as
shocked by my feelings as
much as everyone else. Austin hardly
ever spoke
to Audra out of fear...
His sexual choice shocked me more then the
cheating... My mama
always said 'watch out for a cheater, they don't
change'. She was right. Maybe you're what he wanted all along."
I sat down on a kitchen
chair and sighed. I felt awful for all
the hateful
things I'd said about
her.
"Phoebe, You're nothing like I expected."
She smiled and gave me a
nod.
"Alex, I wanted to scratch your lungs and kick you
to death a few months
ago... I wanted Austin
back so badly. The past few weeks I've
just...
(sigh) It's not
"our" fault Alex... Neither of us made that stubborn ass do
anything he didn't want
to. I just hope he takes you back when
you find
him... It had to be
damned hard for you coming to our apartment." She said
looking me in the eyes
suddenly.
""Here, this might help," She said
standing and going to the kitchen
counter to write
something down on green and pink paper with Lambda Epsilon
Sigma on it. She handed me a page with two numbers and
addresses on it.
"These are his two best friends; they should know
where he is."
Then she escorted me to
the door.
We parted and I found all
my feelings towards her had changed... and I hoped
hers towards me had
too. I hugged her tightly before I
left and thanked
her as deeply as I could.
So, after leaving her
apartment I drove to the first place on the paper and
found it was a make shift
Frat house..."GREAT' I thought with a groan.
I walked up and knocked
and this tall thin guy with dread locks wearing a
red Hawaiian shirt and
flip flops with a puka shell necklace and matching
ankle band answered the
door.
"I'm looking for a Brian Casem."
I said glancing at the
dried up garden.
"Shyea, Speaking."
He said in stereotypical
surfer speak while trying to figure out who I was.
"Hi, My name is Alex Johns..."
Before I could finish his
eyes lit up.
"ALEX, You're that gay dude!!!" Brian said too
loud for my comfort but more
happy with himself for
figuring it out than freaked at me.
"Ummm, Yeah, Guilty, Is he here man?" I asked
hoping he was sleeping or
something.
"Naaaaaa Dude, I wish. I invited him in to live hear
when he told the frat
about you two and that
Phoebe had kicked him out." I could have been knocked
over by a fly; he TOLD
his frat???
"He WHAT???" I guess my eyes told him
everything I was thinking.
"Yeah, 'bout three weeks ago he came out and told us
why he was so upset,
why he wasn't seeing
Phoebe any more...and that he was Bi"
My head was swimming.
Christ, when Mrs. Tremere said I didn't know what was
going on she didn't
prepare me for this.
"Sooo, Ummm, do you know where he is Brian?" I
asked politely.
"Ummmm, Oh yeah, come on in and ignore the
dog." The dog turned out to be
this funny looking
gargoyle called an Affenpincher this
strange charcoal
dog that looked like a
mix of guinea pig and carved castle guardian
"Here, it's a guy with a spare room down that way
he's staying with." he
said handing me a piece
of paper with an address on it and then pointing
east.
"Not a nice place and between you and me...the guy
gives me the total
creeps dude." Brian
said as he started to close the door as I left, then he
opened it and asked,
"You going to take him back?" Brian asked
flatly, I stopped and turned to
look at him.
"I-I'm here to talk, and listen. Everything is
different from what I
thought." I said
contemplatively. Brian laughed,
"Yeah Dude, tell me about it." He chuckled as
he closed the door.
So I went down to the
next address and, god, the change in community was
blatant. I'd been in a nice suburban area, this place
screamed old and
falling apart.
I knocked on the dark
brown hollow door and had to wait almost two minutes
before the light came on
and the door cracked a little.
"Hi, I'm here to see Austin Camble" I stated
simply. The guy looked me up
and down and then he got
this sneer.
"You must be Alex!" The guy said in a halting
voice like Christian Slater.
He didn't look like
Slater though, his pale tobacco stained skin looked oily
and his hair was a
reddiush brown thinning matt of unkempt oily fur.
"Yeah, I need to speak to Austin Please?" I
said pressing forward already
not liking this guy.
He was a 30ish guy with a
tight leather face, dull blue bloodshot eyes and
reeking of smoke, when he
stepped aside revealing his pale naked body with a
cock a toddler would be
embarrassed to show.
Ignoring his lecherous
grin I boldly asked again where Austin was.
"In bed." He said with this strange grin. My spider senses were going into
high gear, something
wasn't right.
"Where?" I asked lowering my voice.
The guy pointed to a
yellowish door that was barely open. As
I started over
this oily voice behind me
said,
"Not sure he wants you to see him like this."
He chuckled as I opened the
door
When my eyes adjusted to
the light I saw
bed with a gag in his
mouth, his glazed eyes barely showed any recognition.
His back showed recent
wet bloody whip marks. I felt a switch
go off in my
head and the next thing I
knew I had slammed the scrawny naked man in the
face with my palm and
grabbed him by his throat and bent him backwards over
his kitchen counter
squeezing the life out of him as he thrashed.
In a
tight, pinched voice I
hissed,
"Before I kill you you son of a bitch, where are the
keys?" He couldn't
talk but threw the keys
on the floor. I used my palm to drive
his head
against the counter hard
enough to drop him to the floor. I bent down and
retrieved the keys, as I
turned to get
"Stay where you are asshole," I warned with
another smash of his head on
the counter. "I'm not nearly done with you and if you
make me catch you, I
swear to god, you won't
EVER walk again."
I went and unlocked
his mouth and ever so
gently helped him sit up. I noticed a
collection of
large dirty dildos on the
nightstand with a tub of generic lube. I cringed
thinking of what that
bastard had done to my baby.
obviously; he wasn't
talking, just trying to sit up.
"Alex?" He asked weakly, trying to focus on me.
"Yeah baby, are your clothes in here somewhere,
baby?" I asked.
shook his head and
shrugged.
"Stay here a moment
to get the bastard that
had... had raped... that fuckwad had
raped
It hit me like a 2x4 to
the head.
I grabbed fuckwad and
hauled his wiry frame up by his neck and pushed him
against a wall. I leaned in close to him and said softly,
with all the
restraint I could
harness,
"You are alive now fuckwad, only because I need
answers, understand me?"
I hissed in his ear. He nodded his head, yes.
"Where are
shoved my thumb into the
soft part of his throat and asked again. He
squeaked out an answer
finally.
"Under the bed and in the hall closet." He
said, I dragged him with me to
look.
the bed that had some old
unwashed clothing and then got a sports bag out of
the closet.
"Where's the rest of his stuff?" I asked.
"That's all I have now." The guy said weakly
while rubbing his throat.
"Is that all he came here with?' I asked. My nerves
were about ready to
snap. The guy didn't
answer so I backhanded him hard enough to knock a tooth
loose and cut my finger
on his mouth. He hit the floor and I
asked, "You
have any idea how many
bones I can break on you without even hitting you?"
The poor guy went white
and said in a dry voice,
"He had more stuff but I sold the rest of it."
He paled and hung his head.
I was beyond rage, beyond
revenge, I was so angry, so god damned angry, I
became toxically still as
this strange otherworldly calm overtook me.
"You sold his stuff?
While you had him drugged and tied to your bed, while
you raped and beat
him?" I asked as I grabbed his left pointer finger.
"Yes" he said weakly. Before I could react, I heard the toilet
flush and
the door open.
"Alex?"
"Yeah baby? What can I get you?" I offered,
standing up and dropping
fuckwad to the floor.
"Clothes?" He asked weakly leaning against the
doorframe. I handed
the duffle bag and turned
back and said:
"You have two choices, I can kill you now and we can
go to the police and
tell them what I did and
what you did, or you can go over there and sit by
the bed and put the cuffs
on." I said softly but with seething anger.
So he went over quickly
and sat by the bed and whimpered as I put him in the
cuffs that were at the
foot of the bed so he was sitting on the floor with
his arms spread.
"How long has
"He, he's been here almost a week, I met him in a
bar and we started
talking. He told
me...about you mostly, about his girlfriend, and that he
was bi now. So I invited
him back."
"And the drugs? And the marks all over his
back? The dildos? What kind of
damage do you have, that
you could do this to another person?" I hissed at
him. He turned his face
to avoid my teeth and I grabbed it and yanked it
back to face me.
"How much did you get from selling his stuff?"
I asked, as
dressed.
"Almost $340.00" he said softly.
"Why don't I believe you?" I answered as I
swiped his wallet off the
nightstand.
I found several hundred
in his wallet, his ID, and a credit card.
"I'll take these for now, if you behave, you might
see daylight a few more
times. I'm not making any decisions till I have a
chance to think," I
growled in his ear.
I left Gene, the name on
his Id, on the floor cuffed to his bed, and took
all the keys, his money,
his ID and his cell phone.
"We'll be back, don't get up on our account you
waste of sperm." I helped
Walgreens drug store, and
I bought gauze and antibiotic salve, and some
Gatorade and vitamins.
So next I found a hotel 6
and checked us in so we could go to the room and I
could look at his wounds,
he refused to see a Doctor or visit a hospital.
So I cleaned his sores
and bandaged them and shock with fear and rage as I
got him dressed again.
"Come on baby, you need some food." I said, he
followed weakly in his
drugged state.
We went to a Denny's and
I had coffee and pie while I watched the stoned and
messed up boy I still
loved trying to eat and wishing he could talk to me.
I got yes and no answers
to all of the questions I asked him.
This guy Gene
had really damaged him
badly... When
call.
"Dennis? Yeah man, sorry for calling so late, I have
a real problem, I
wanted to call you first,
before calling the police." Dennis
talked a bit
then I responded,
"Yeah, I found
and... and..."
I could barely get the
word out, I finally whispered it,
"raped..." My
throat started to close; my fury was being replaced by passion
for
explosive sob and I just
cried and cried into the receiver, I didn't care
who saw or heard.
"I left him cuffed to the foot of his bed. Yeah,
Sure... Ok, I'll call you
from there tomorrow. Thanks Dennis, I knew I could count on
you." 'Click'
Dennis was my 6'2"
bodybuilder friend who'd been a bouncer and done work for
drug traffickers
enforcing their will before moving to central
begin as a personal
trainer. If I was the wrong one to pick
a fight with,
Dennis was the wrong one
to make angry.
and his eyes glazed
over.. So I went and joined him and tried to get him to
eat some more. I paid
with Gene's credit card and then loaded
Jeep room and took him to
our room for the night. I took
helped him undress; the
wounds on his back had begun to stick to the dark
shirt he'd chosen. Somehow, I knew he needed me to be strong,
but I would
fall apart when he
couldn't see me.
As I laid him gently on
his belly I began to dress his wounds and gently
clean his back again and
apply salve; tears streamed down my face as I tried
to put my
"I-I I told him to beat me Alex, I told him to
punish me."
said in a soft determined
voice.
"Why
"For what I did...
to you." He said in a far away
voice. He may as well
have swung a 50 pound
sack of potatoes into my gut. I was
shocked and tears
clouded my eyes.
"Nooooooo Austin,
No, Ohhhh god no!" I pleaded with him and cried as I put
the last of the gauze on
his back. My fingers trying not to hurt the skin it
longed to feel.
"Alex, I hurt you so
bad... I-I-I wanted to be forgiven... I figured I had
to feel what I did to
you... I dropped out of school... you weren't supposed
to find me."
I ran my fingers gently
through his hair trying to calm him and... and find
an appeasement for my own
gaping guilt. None came as I sat there
on the bed
and
till they ran dry so I
turned the lights out and curled up with
holding him, and
protecting him from the monsters I now knew were waiting in
the dark even for someone
as big and strong as
What kind of monster did
it make me though that I wouldn't even give the boy
I loved time to talk to
me, time to tell me that he'd been blackmailed, and
that he discovered all on
his own, the strength to face his fears all to try
to get back to me... to
be rejected and replaced? What did that
make me?
And what about my poor
Jason? Would I have to destroy him
now? I didn't
taste the lips of sleep
that night.
The next day I found a
Target and told
while I picked up a few
things. I had to buy him everything,
from underwear
and socks to shirts,
shorts and jeans. He lost his bedding,
toiletries,
everything, all he had
were some old ratty clothing. I got more
gauze and
ointment and a big bottle
of extra strength Tylenol. I grabbed
some protein
drinks cause
and sunglasses so he
could hide if he wanted to. I bought all
this with
Gene's credit card.
I made
of stuff.
'Stuff' turned out to be
what I called going back to see Gene. I
called
Dennis, and it turned out
that he had driven to
for my call. Dennis was
over within 15 minutes.
I walked in to Gene's
place and the smell was horrid. It smelled of stale
cigarettes and old beer
mixed with lube and fried food. I needed
a bath
after just walking
in. Gene was calling out so I went into
the bedroom and
he got quiet. I could see the dark stain in his pants and
knew what had
happened.
"I can't be partial Gene, I want to hurt you in ways
that make the Ton ton
Macute look civil. So I
invited a friend who's... better at these things and
I have no clue what he
has planned for you."
I searched through Gene's
stuff until till Dennis got there. If I didn't
know Dennis, he would've
scared the hell out of me. He was the size of a
refrigerator crossed with
a Mac truck, wife beater, slicked back hair in a
pony tail, mirrored
sunglasses, a duffle bag and black sweat pants.
He came
in and gagged at the
smell, and asked me what happened. I
told him
everything as we went to
the bedroom. Gene and he got a good look at each
other. He dropped the duffle, squatted in front of
Gene and took his
glasses off.
"Austin has been a friend of mine for over a decade
Gene, and Alex is a
great friend who's never
bothered anybody. You fucked up bad!" It wasn't
said with malice or any
hint of threat, but it made my blood run cold. I
almost felt sorry for
that poor schmuck.
Dennis went and opened
his duffle bag. He took out a large satchel that had
what looked like dental
tools in it, and then he took out a Dremmel and a
few large pliers. I
almost fainted and Gene was screaming into his gag.
"Alex, for both of our sakes, you need to leave now
while Gene and I...
talk. He's gunna help me
get more money back to Austin and hopefully
retrieve a few of his
items. Go take care of Austin, Alex and
I'll see you
back home this
week." Dennis said standing up and
giving me a big gumba
hug.
So I left and went back
to find Austin crashed out in a fetal position.
I
let him sleep while I
packed. I loaded the jeep, then got
Austin up, and
loaded, then I paid for
the hotel and we went to breakfast at a waffle
house.
"What's gunna happen to Gene?" Austin asked
quietly as we ate.
"Don't know, we couldn't call the cops without
saying what happened, so I
called Dennis, he's over
there now." I said flatly not looking at Austin.
"He's fucked." It was all Austin said before
drinking some Coffee.
I looked up and caught
Austin's eye,
"He's lucky it's Dennis, I woulda killed him and
left him to rot." I stated
simply.
Austin looked at me a
moment before hanging his head,
"But it's as much my fault as his Alex. I knew it
was a bad scene, and I
knew he was a creep, I...
I... I even knew he put something in my drink at
the bar." Austin
said slowly without looking at me.
I looked in his eyes with
a look of pain,
"Why Austin? Why would you put yourself through
that?" I asked bluntly. He
was quiet for a while,
almost said a few things then got quiet again
thinking. Finally he
said,
"That last weekend I saw you, at Michael's party...
I was coming to tell
you I had left Phoebe and
that we could be together... But you got SO mad...
and I couldn't blame you,
you were right, I had fucked up, but it hurt...
Alex, you have no idea
what that night did to me. This is
nothing, these
scars are
nothing." He trailed off lost in
thought. Guilt was punching its
way out of my soul.
"So I stayed with Ryan at Michael's apartment and
the next day we figured
you'd calmed down...
And...I...I saw Jason, and he was where I knew I should
have been and it hit me
that you moved on...you didn't need me any more...
and I didn't have a clue
what to do." He trailed off in silence.
Tears fell from my face
as guilt and confusion and emotions with out names
rushed out of me like
a pyroclastic flow.
"Austin... please... no. No, Austin," I cried and pleaded and my
broken
hero held me as I
cried. Finally I stopped.
"Alex, Alex, we need to go, it's check out time I
think" Austin said
rubbing my back.
We got ready, I paid, and
we left.
Austin and I drove miles
in silence, neither of us knowing what to say when
he finally spoke.
"I knew he was trouble when I let him start to buy
me drinks, I told him I
was new to this and
that... I had hurt you badly and needed to be punished.
He said he would if
that's what I wanted..."
"Why didn't you just stay with Brian? He cares about you Austin, he
wanted you to stay with him." I said keeping my eyes on the Ocala National
Forest.
"I thought maybe if I got experience, that...
that... that you might..."
Austin said slowly not
bothering to finish what didn't need to be said.
"Austin, if I hadn't come up there, I don't think
any of us would have ever
seen you again." I
said slowly not wanting to over-emphasize the state he
was in. That thought ran through me like a winter's
night.
"Alex, without you..." Austin trailed off with
out answering.
"Without me what, Austin?" I demanded softly,
fearing the answer.
"I didn't care, I didn't expect to see the
weekend." He said softly. Even
as tears fell to his lap
silently, My brain vacillated between a kind of
rage, shock, and
fear. If that had happened, I would have
blamed myself
forever.
"No! Don't you put this on me, Austin!" I
demanded, a moment later my voice
echoed in my ears and I
softened as I saw him shrink.
"Austin, please, please don't think like
that...ever, ever, ever again...
you understand me? No one is worth that... no one." I
pleaded softly.
We drove much of the rest
of the way in silence.
As we neared my place I
realized I hadn't called Jason to let him know where
I'd been all night or
what had happened, I hadn't called Mr. Riley either...
well, I'd deal with them
after I'd gotten Austin settled in. Mrs.
Tremere
was shopping and I got to
my door with all of Austin's new stuff relatively
easy. When I opened the door I was surprised by a
sleepy looking Jason, my
mind fell, my heart
flipped, And Jason saw it and stopped short of hugging
me.
"Hey baby, I-I-I was just... getting ready to leave.
I came over last night
expecting to see..."
At that moment Austin came slowly around the doorway
behind me, and Jason saw him
and his face went white.
"Oh," was all Jason said before turning quickly
to go to the bedroom. I
raced after him pleading
with him to stop and listen. Finally he
turned to
face me,
"Alex, Austin is moving in with a pile of clothing
and personal crap...
What are you going to try
and tell me???" Jason demanded sharply.
I could
see the pain in his eyes
and the shaking of his hands as he grabbed his bag.
He reached over and handed me a notebook that
looked like mine.
" I found this last night, guess we know the answer
now. I'm going out of
town Alex, I have a job
in new York... Don't bother trying to reach me... At
least do that for
me." And then he grabbed his stuff and was gone. I looked
at the notebook and
realized it was my song writing book. A
page had been
paper-clipped with an
envelope, but first I saw the page and my blood ran
cold, it was a poem I'd
written a week earlier.
Two Perfect guys
And no perfect way
To choose between sorrows
Or walking away.
How do I hurt one
Deliver that blade
Kill joy, peace, and hope
And the love that we made
Torn between angels
Claiming mortal coils of men
I'm told I must choose
But not Who, how, or when.
Fair is older darks a boy
God's a bastard, I'm his toy.
Fair is wiser, Darks a knight,
How does one choose, when both answers are
right?
Dark stole my heart,
While fair has my soul
Whom do I hurt
And who gets the goal?
I'd like to deny the gods
All their pleasure,
And bury my heart
with Captain Kid's
treasure.
My heart fell even deeper
as I read the words I'd written absent mindedly a
week earlier. I hadn't had any particular thought in mind
as I jotted the
words down like I did
every time a song idea hit me.
I fell to my knees pleading
with god to reverse time, to take away all the
pain I had rained on
Jason. Would I ever deserve to be with
a guy like
Jason again? A guy who
adored me in everyway. Would I find a
guy who
ignited a room every time
I smiled at him? What would I do if
Jason were
really gone? Did I deserve him? What about that broken boy in the next
room?
I sat the notebook on my
dresser and went into the living room where a
despondent Austin was
curled up watching TV... I told him I'd be back in a
few minutes and to get
whatever he needed. I went next door and
before I
even touched the door it
opened for me.
"Mon Cher, you look awful, Austin looks awful, did
you fight?" Mrs. Tremere
asked while getting the
tea ready and gathering a few crumpets.
"Yeah, but not with each other Mrs. Tremere... GOD!
I've ruined all our
lives Mrs. Tremere... I
hurt Jason and he's done everything possible to make
me happy. And Austin, Ohhhhhhhh Mrs Tremere... " I
broke down crying and
sobbing then... I wasn't
protecting Austin or having to be strong so I just
fell apart, I heard words
like 'rape' and torture, and escape... After I
calmed down I told her
about the song Jason had read, and caught her up to
date.
"Mon Cher, what does one say to this? How is Austin? You should bring him
some food for me
honey.... The poor boy" Mrs. Tremere said rubbing my back
and holding my hand as I
sobbed.
"Alex, Jason knew the risks my love. It is truly awful that someone has to
hurt like he does, and I
know you would gladly take on all the pain to spare
those boys. But this is not an option."
"It isn't fair to Jason, he's been soo good to me,
he's done nothing but
love me." I said to
the insides of my hands as I cried.
"Mon Cher, rarely does "fair" have any say
in matters of the heart. He
gambled, and he was
hurt. He will live dear boy. He is hurt, but he will
live my dear." She
patted my hand and then added in a deeper voice.
"Now Alex, My love. That boy next door needs you, he
wants you, he loves
you. And as much as we joke about you being a
daughter to me, it is you
dear boy that must take
charge now, he needs your strength, he needs your
love... he needs you to
be tough."
We chatted a while and I
was told that I must be the man, I had to be what I
always wanted Jason and
Austin to be... not sexually, but I had to be in
control for a while at
least.
Finally I got up hugged
Mrs. Tremere and took my teacup to her sink.
Then I
went back to a dark
apartment.
I wasn't sure where
Austin was sleeping but I assumed it was the couch so I
sneaked into my
room. When I turned the lights on I half
expected to see my
Austin curled up there
but all I saw in the middle of my bed was my songbook
and a note. A panic came over me as I rushed to the note
I knew I hadn't
left.
The note was simple but
said:
Dear Alex, I was going to sleep in here and
saw the note from Jason. I'm
really sorry. I hope you can get him back Alex... I can't
go home cause
dad won't let a fag live
in his house so I'm going back to Gainesville.
I
owe you 60 bucks cause I
took a couple of twenties off your dresser... Don't
follow me; I'm not going
to do anything stupid.
I
love you, Austin
I just stared at it and
my body and mind went numb... tears wouldn't even
come. I was about to walk back over and fall apart
on Mrs. Tremere when
something snapped,
Michael said it was the moment my balls dropped. I
marched out and grabbed
my keys and started down to my jeep.
$60 wouldn't
get him anything but a
bus ticket. And there was only one bus
terminal in
town. So I called Henna and told her I would be
late tonight, and went to
pick up Austin again... I
sped since I had not idea what time the bus was
leaving for Gainesville.
I pulled into the dreary
little blue building not much bigger then a trailer
that served Greyhound in
the area. The inside was small and I saw
Austin
sitting on a bench
outside staring at the ground. He looked
miserable.
Guess I couldn't blame
him there... god, I had no idea what to say. I was
ready to knock him out
and drag him home if he resisted though.
Without saying a word I
parked and walked past a young black guy and his kid
also waiting and went and
sat next to Austin, he still didn't know who I was
as he hadn't looked up.