I really don't know how
to describe the next few weeks, if our
crazy weekend hadn't been
wild enough to drive me over the edge; His
nightly phone calls and
our primitive web viewing computer sex were more
than enough. Every night about
seductive
"Domination"
game. He'd learned the first night to
keep things from
getting campy by avoiding
the whole "Daddy" thing. I
never once heard him
mention `calling him
daddy' after our weekend. Other games I
wasn't so hip
to, such as the night he
left a web address for me and what I saw was him
boning his girlfriend...
I got his implication and the message even though
I doubt he realized why
he was sending me those images...
The computer became a vital element of my `sex'
life. Even though
the images being
transmitted over the web back in 96 were primitive by
today's standards, back
then it was the hottest thing I'd ever seen.
He'd
call me then ask me to
turn on my computer and go to a certain web
page... I'd see him in
his bedroom naked and stroking... I can't begin to
describe to you how
intoxicating it was having a str8 boy strip and perform
at my whim... Sort
of. I actually got him to do a few
things I couldn't
believe he agreed to
do. First, I talked him into buying a
cock strap on
line. I had no idea that it arrived the day he got
it as he hadn't said
anything, but the way he
was falling over himself trying to take his
clothes off I began to
suspect something. Man it was hot...
that little
lift and extra snugness
really made him show. He actually hit
himself on
the chin that time when
he came. I tried to get him to taste
it... He gave
me a funny look and used
his towel to wipe it off, apparently he wasn't
anywhere near ready for
that yet though.
A few weeks after the cock strap arrived, I got him to
start
fingering his hole... not
very far, but the fact that I got him to do it at
all encouraged me. Though; as I told myself, he seemed ready to
do a lot
of things most `straight'
guys wouldn't, like kissing. There were
also
activities that he
wouldn't even talk about, like being the active partner
in anal sex... I didn't
get it really, but the point was, I was falling
more and more for my
baseball player.
The times I got him to dress up in his baseball uniform
first?
MAN!!!!! I still have
several disks of those pictures. It got
to the point
where we were spending
hours on the phone and computer every night... I was
dying at work, from lack
of sleep and he'd begun to miss classes.
Then
their was the first
month's phone bill, Fuck'n Aye!!! I
expressed my
concern to him and asked
when he'd be back this way next. He
yammered some
list of excuses which I
ignored, I was mad that he felt he could dismiss me
so easily.
Several weeks after we'd begun our `cyber dating' I told
him I was
going to be gone on the
upcoming Friday and Saturday night since Phil was
throwing a party. I could hear his pout 130 miles away. I wanted to point
out that not only did we
both have lives, but he also had a girlfriend whom
he saw and banged before
connecting with me every night. I did;
however,
mention that we both had
to attend the occasional social activities to keep
ourselves free from
suspicion... I also pointed out that
while the phone
and computer were awesome
fun, I was getting no genuine social contact
outside of work. And that
he at least had a girl friend.
Grudgingly
acquiesced and mumbled a,
"Yeeeah, alright..."
In order to make him feel better about
going two whole days without
me, I asked him what I
could do to make him feel better. The
sound of
pouting was quickly
replaced by a mischievous grin and chuckle.
He told me
to go to the computer and
turn it on. When I did I found him
wearing only
a jock strap and stroking
himself beneath it. We played our usual
game of
phone sex but this time
the jockstrap:
"Dude, I want you to wear this all weekend, oh, and
no washing it
first. I also want you to go out and buy your own
web cam so that I can
check on you."
I was kind of freaked for a minute; I knew he had a kinky
side,
which was clear enough. I
even figured this whole thing with me could be
nothing more than him
experimenting with a different side of himself... But
this was so... so...
gross. Obviously though, there was no
question but
that I would do it.
The evolution of our relationship was beginning to puzzle
me, I
mean; you might do this
kind of thing with a boy or girl friend, But... in
reality I was little more
then a trick that was becoming a friend.
When I
saw his face beaming on
my screen though, I was his.
His `package' arrived on Friday, and I found it when I
came home
from work... I had a zillion reservations but I went and
showered and then
put it on. Two things became immediately apparent, the
first was that it
was very crusty; the
second was that it was WAY too large for me... I was a
28 waist and these were
36's... I finally went and took my emergency sewing
kit and sewed about 6
inches of the band in an overlap. It
didn't look
like a great job, but it
held.
I ate some supper and while I was getting ready, I
realized that I
was hard... And it was
driving me crazy thinking about these dirty
shorts...
I got to the party early and almost as soon as I'd gotten
there
people started coming up
to me and chastising me for not being around more.
I made up some lame
excuses but everyone knew they were lame excuses... So
I didn't get off the hook
with the more persistent ones. After
some
alcohol consumption
Cynthia started to maneuver around trying to get a
bunch of us to go out to
the camp fire to play guitars and sing.
Phil,
Joe, Darren and I played
guitar and while a lot of the crowd sang some of
the songs, Darren, Phil
and I were the ones everyone else looked to, to
carry the song.
I went out to my car to get my acoustic guitar and
brought it in
while Joe went and
retrieved his amplifier and the extension cord so he
could play his
electric. Phil brought out his acoustics
and his Spanish
guitar which he'd been
learning on. Phil was a seriously
talented player.
After the tuning and a
few chords were played, Phil and I started to play
our acoustic version of
Collective Soul's `SHINE'. Songs by the
Indigo
Girls, Peter Murphy, and
Tori Amos followed. When Phil got up to
get a
drink I let Darren and
Joe do a couple of their songs which I just sang
along to. Darren was really good but had a different
style than the laid
back playing of Phil and
me, he was more heavy metal hard rock.
When Phil
came back out I was
shocked to see that marching alongside him grinning
like a kid on Christmas
morning was
shocked and confused
simultaneously, I started to jump up to go to him but
his eyes quickly flashed
me a warning. I was gutted, not knowing
what else
to do I just started
strumming and landed up going into an old song by
Fleetwood Mac called `Go
your own way':
"Loving you Isn't
the right thing to do How can I Ever change things that I
feel
If I could Maybe I'd give
you my world How can I When you won't take it
from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way You can call it Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why Everything's
turned around Packing up Shacking up's all you
wanna do
If I could Baby I'd give
you my world Open up Everything's waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way You can call it Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way"
I sang with my eyes closed generally unless I was
watching Phil or
someone for cues. So as I
finished singing the song, I was surprised to
feel a firm hand closing
on my shoulders from behind me. I guess
the
nature of the song had
spoken volumes of what I was feeling at that time. I
was mostly confident
though, that no one aside from
any of it.
When I finished everyone was watching me and I got a few
claps and
a lot of nods of
appreciation. It may have been 1996, but
this crowed
loved the classics as
much as the industrial, heavy metal, and almost every
other type of music we
all listened to. As Phil came back to
play another
set I got up to go get a
drink.
a horny caribou.
"If that song didn't hurt so much I'd..." He
paused and thought
about his next words, He
started to say something then shook his head
finally and said,
"It's amazing how much you can say without ...talking."
I looked at him blankly as we approached the house.
"Not that I'm
not really happy to see you, but I thought you
weren't coming? What changed your mind?" I asked him.
He held the door open for me as I got to
the sliding glass doors then
slipped inside to follow
me to the kitchen. When he saw no one
was around
he pushed me up against
the fridge and gave me a quick but deeply
passionate kiss. I melted inside and began to wrap myself
around him, He
grabbed my hands gently
and broke the kiss as he stopped and stepped
back.
can hear (the pain) in
your voice even when you try to hide it... and it's
killing me. I hate
hearing you like that."
I choked up and wanted to both hold him close to me and
run away as
fast and as far as I
could. He continued, "I appreciate
all the stuff
you've been doing, you
are so totally amazing and..."
I stiffened up and turned to get a beer so he couldn't
see me
suppressing my tears...
It was obvious and I knew he knew... But I couldn't
manipulate him by crying
in front of him, which seemed way too tacky.
"Why did you come here
stood there, his voice
barely masking the confusion and conflict he was
feeling. Finally he met my eyes with a bold face and
jutted his massive
jaw out,
"You still owe me ten blow jobs bitch!"
Even though it was apparent that the humor was forced and
that it
was total escapism, we
both began laughing. We hugged for what
seemed like
hours, but for what was
probably no longer than one or two minutes.
When
we stepped back from each
other I noticed Glen, of the religious right
`Jennifer and Glen show',
watching us with a sour look on his face in the
dining room,
face he asked me
earnestly, "Alex, is there a name for a straight guy that
can't stop thinking about
a gay guy?"
I looked in his eyes as I was searching for an answer
that wouldn't
sound snappy, snide, or
sarcastic. None was forthcoming. Finally
he said
softly, almost like an
apology, "Don't worry about it, I can't figure it
out neither..."
He paused a few seconds before adding, "I figure,
it's not like I'm
attracted to all guys,
I'm not after the guys on my team or aching to go
hit the gay bars or
nuth'n... So maybe it's more than just a physical
thing..." He hung his head and slowly shook it side to
side.
"I don't know. But Lacey knows something is up, and she
knows it has
to do with you... She hasn't figured out what yet..."
He looked up at me and gave me a weak smile, "Think
I should go on
Jerry Springer?"
I chuckled and said that if he decided to do the talk
show circuit
he should avoid Jenny
Jones.
Finally he went and got a beer out of the fridge, as he
went passed
me he asked me if he
could spend the night at my house. I
nodded and
patted him on the
shoulder and told him we'd figure it all out.
He gave my
hand a squeeze before he
left.
After he was gone I grabbed a beer and went to find Glen
to try to
convince him he hadn't
seen what he KNEW he had.
Glen was watching a girl named Leslie play on a computer
game. When
he saw me he blanched a
little. I asked if we could speak in
private so we
went in the spare
room. As I opened up my mouth to lie to
him I couldn't
say anything, I stuttered
a moment as I looked at him and just broke out
crying like a mourner at
a funeral. Uncharacteristically, Glen
stepped up
and held me as I cried,
mumbling platitudes. Finally as I calmed
a little
I said weakly,
"I know you don't understand or believe it, but I
love him so
much... It feels like all
my cells are breaking apart. Sometimes,
when I
think of him I forget to
breathe... How stupid is that????"
Glen was rubbing my back and comforting me and finally
said, "It
has never been about
believing you, you are one of the most honest and
strong individuals I've
ever met. It's just how I've been
raised."
He paused for a moment before adding, "I've been
raised to believe
it's all about sex and
that gays don't feel anything but
lust... But... Right now
I'm not so sure of that... I can't believe anyone
would choose the
confusion or the pain you feel... And I
know you don't
really believe in Christ,
but... regardless of whom you are, he's here to
help you and take your
pain away..."
He took my hands in his, "All you need to do is
accept him."
Glen looked worried like I might reject what he was
saying, and to
be honest we had had some
major blow outs in the past... This time though I
just smiled at him and
said, "Thank you Glen, I'm not sure if it's as
metaphysical as you and
Jennifer make it sound. But you have
helped me a
lot, and your acceptance
has... touched my heart."
I smiled at him and held his hand to my heart. "So
if this is Jesus
working through you. Then Thank you Jesus."
Glen beamed as we walked outside; I think our mutual
acceptance of
each other had truly
filled us both with something that neither had
expected. And I was in a much better place regarding
Austin.
I went over and grabbed my guitar and joined in a really
bad
attempt to do Nirvana's
"Rape me". We did a few more
songs and then once
again, my heart took over
the strings of my guitar and another song came
out, this one Christina
joined me in singing and Darren joined in on his
guitar. Darren did the
electronic guitar riffs beautifully as we went into
`Magic Man' by Heart.
Cold late night so long
ago When I was not so strong you know A pretty man
came to me Never seen
eyes so blue
I could not run away It
seemed we'd seen each other in a dream It seemed
like he knew me He looked
right through me
"Come on home,
(BOY)" he said with a smile "You don't have to love me yet
Let's get high awhile But
try to understand Try to understand Try try try
to understand I'm a magic
man."
Winter nights we sang in
tune Played inside the months of moon Never think
of never Let this spell
last forever
Summer over passed to
fall Tried to realize it all Mama says she's a
worried Growing up in a
hurry
"Come on home,
(boy)" mama cried on the phone "Too soon to lose my baby yet
my (boy) should be at
home!" "But try to understand,
try to understand
Try, try, try to
understand He's a magic man, mama He's a magic man"
"Come on home,
(boy)" he said with a smile "I cast my spell of love on you
a (Grown man) from a
child! But try to understand; try to
understand I'm a
magic man!"
Austin stood behind those who'd claimed the plastic deck
chairs,
logs and empty kegs to
sit on. His eyes had a flame all their
own, and it
was fixed on me... The
fierceness of his eyes made it hard for me to look
at him... I blushed
slightly not that anyone aside from Glen would notice.
We sang until late in the
morning, and as we broke up to hang out, guests
started to leave. Austin made a big point of coming up to the
group I was
in and catching my eye
before stating that he was leaving, we all shook
hands with him and I
noted with amusement that he walked right past all the
other groups with out so
much as a nod... I started to pack up
and Phil
and Christina and the
core group all made sure I was coming back the next
day. Apparently Dan was
bringing his new girlfriend over for her grand
unveiling.
When I got outside I found Glen sitting on my car waiting
for me,
"I just wanted to
make sure you're ok before you leave."
"I AM Glen, thank you so much for...
Sharing with me tonight. I
guess our beliefs aren't
really all that different when it comes to the
truly important
matters."
I stuck out my hands to offer him a shake when he grinned
at me and
got off the hood,
"Ya know, there is something that y'all stole from
us?" Glen said
as he threw his arms wide
and hugged me. Before he released me he
whispered, "I
believe that you really do love him. I`m
not so certain if
it's a sin or not, but
please make sure he feels the same way about you
before anything
happens... Despite your attitude, I know that you're a
sensitive guy... No one
wants to see you hurt..."
I teared up, out of all the guys here, Glen would have my
last
choice for the guy I
expected to be doing this tonight... still, he had
just moved up by miles in
my estimate.
"Thanks Glen, for everything tonight... I love you
man!"
He laughed warmly and said, "Now don't say that...
you know what
kinda trouble your gunna
get me in? And I ain't talking about
with the
church neither." He
said glancing towards the house and Jennifer.
"Now go on, I expect he's wait'n for you." Glen
said with a wry
smile.
I waved as I got in my jeep and drove off.
Austin was waiting in his car in my parking lot as I
drove up.
Before I'd even gotten out
I could see him coming towards me in an
aggressive manner,
"WHAT the FUCK??????? Who the hell else did you
tell??????? Jesus
FUCKING Christ!!!!!!
Didn't I fucking ask you NOT to tell anyone???" He was
yelling at me with eyes
filled with rage.
"Austin... I DIDN'T tell anyone..." Then I
added a bit defensively
as I realized what must
have happened, "Glen saw YOU kissing me... I tried
to convince him it wasn't
what he thought, but he heard us talking in the
kitchen... Austin, Calm
down... H-he won't tell anyone... Austin, these are
your friends..."
Austin was so pumped up he just marched off saying
"FUCK!" Over and
over again... I wanted to
rush up to him and put my arms around him and
tell him everything was
going to be alright...His mood and my inner need
for self preservation
killed those thoughts.
"Austin," I said calmly as I walked after him,
"Come upstairs and
we can discuss it
Ok?"
Austin turned and glared at me for a second... then;
without a
word, started marching up
to my apartment. I followed hoping I
could calm
him down... Sex with this
beast might sound exciting, but this guy could
kill me with just two
fingers...
Once inside, Austin fumed over to my patio window and
stood there
looking out at the
trees...
"Do you know what Glen said to me?" Austin
asked without taking his
eyes off the trees.
I walked up slowly as I softly said, "No."
"He threatened me; he said if I hurt you I was going
to have more
than sinning to worry
about. He got in my face and said that
unless I
loved you, I shouldn't
even bother coming over here."
Then he turned and faced me. "You have no fucking
Idea how scared I
am right now..." He
said.
I walked up to him and placed my palm on his cheek and
said, "Yes,
I do,"
To which he exploded and shook my hand away, "YOU
CAN'T FUCKING
KNOW!!!!" He yelled.
Then He went on, "You have NO way of knowing how I
feel... The fear that my
team will hear about this, that my family will
find out something...
It's easy for you, YOU ARE gay! What am
I gunna do
if this gets out??? Do
you have Any clue how my team will react if they
find out???"
All my attempts to remain calm went out the window; his
little
outburst needled me in
places I hadn't felt pain from in years.
I looked him in the eyes and in a calm deadly hushed
voice I said,
"You're right
Austin, what would I know about being afraid? A 5'4" fag. To
this day there are places
all over this city I can't go. Can you
even
begin to imagine ONE DAY
of high school for me???" I hissed back at him.
"I wasn't even safe at the bus stop, even the
fucking girls picked
on me! Try and imagine what it was like every day
being forced to go to
gym class... To have to
dress down in a locker room filled with bullies
with no supervision...
Being held down and tortured, having all my stuff
stolen... having guys
like you laughing at my pain every single day... They
drew on me with permanent
markers, sprayed me with cheap girls perfume, one
time I had three guys
like you hold me down and put girls make up on me and
then afterwards I was
paraded for the entire locker room to see, then
thrown out in the main
hall and locked out..."
I walked up till I was right next to him holding his
eyes. "Yeah, I
wouldn't have any idea. I
wouldn't have any clue what it's like keeping
this secret from friends,
because a little puny average looking guys always
has tons of friends to
spare. Even the nice guys were terrified
that if
they tried to be my
friend they'd be tortured too. And HOW
could I know
what it's like having a
father telling me I was a worthless faggot because
I got beat up all the
time and was lousy in sports. I was 10 before I even
knew what a faggot was...
And then when I told him I thought I was gay at
age 17, he decided he
couldn't hit me so he threatened to banish me from my
own home. I wouldn't know what it felt like to be
totally ignored till my
mother divorced him a
year later... See, I REALLY WAS the
reason my
parents got
divorced. You go ahead and tell me how
scary it is being a big
tough gorgeous Jock; I'll
sit over here and cry for you!"
I hadn't expected the vitriol and rage to come out like
that, when
I was done I shaking with
rage, Austin stood there suddenly unaware of his
previous concerns. His face white as he stared at me, at my
berserk out
burst.
Silently he came over and tried to wrap his arms around
me... At
first I just shook his
arms off me and turned to close myself in my
bedroom, but his second
attempt literally swept me off my feet and pulled
me to his chest.
"I am so sorry... Alex... I am sooo sorry... You're
right! I can't
even imagine
that..."
The tears came unbidden, I began sobbing on his chest, my
little
outburst had released too
many emotions, If Austin hadn't been touching me,
I might have just
suppressed my feelings, but now they were running all
over his faded green
shirt. He finally carried me to the
couch and sat
down while holding me
tight and patting my back.
"Alex, no one... NO ONE will ever torture you
again... I
promise... Not while I'm
around... And not if Phil, or Dan, or Steve, or
Glen, or ANY of us are
around... You DO have friends now and... We all love
you... And none of us are
afraid of being your friend..."
I looked up in his eyes sadly and said, "You are...
You're
afraid..."
He wanted to say something to disagree with me, but his
eyes
suddenly looked at my
floor. He opened and closed his mouth
several times
before looking at me. I
added softly, "That's why you're so mad at
me... You're afraid that
if people see us together they'll think you're gay
too..."
He was quiet for a few minutes as he held me, finally he
whispered,
"You're right... I am afraid... But not of you, not
even so much to
be seen with you... I
think that what scares me the most is that if they
start to tease me... they
might be right. "
I started to say something but Austin just put a finger
to my lip
and softly said,
"Ssshshshshshshshhhhhhh"
And then he hugged me tightly against him. We laid like that for
over an hour, both lost
in thoughts... Him holding me and offering me the
love and protection I'd
never felt from a man as a child... Even after I
stopped crying he held me
closely... If it weren't for his bladder we might
have stayed like that all
night. When he was done he leaned
against my
bedroom door way and held
out his hand for me. I crossed the space
and
wordlessly, we went to
bed where he held me protectively all night,
spooning behind me and
covering me with his huge arms. We
didn't have sex
that night, we barely
said three words after laying down, but whatever it
is we did do, brought
both of us to a place... And the next day we would
begin a long discussion
on where that place was.
TBC