Like everything that day,
work was a hazy, fluffy clouds, sunny, birds
singing in magnolia
trees, everybody's happy kind of day. I'm sure there
were grumpy people, it
was probably pouring rain and the birds were
assuredly all
cantankerous pigeons with raspy voices, but it seemed all
sunshine and happy to me.
Marika and the other
workers were teasing me, I was so happy. I retold my
weekend adventure to the
whole office over lunch; those that wanted to hear
it, anyway. The girls
were all "Awwwwwww," and the guys just wanted to know
who "he" was,
what sport he played, and if I could get them his
autograph. My reply was
to bring a nice present to our wedding, and he'd
sign their invitation.
I was singing to my Dee
Lite album all the way home. Groove was so in my
heart that afternoon.
After I parked and started up my stairs, I saw a guy
standing outside my
apartment and talking on his cell phone. As I got
closer, I saw that it was
Glen.
"Yeah dude, maybe
five or 10 minutes. Yeah, you too. Bye." Glen said as he
gave me a forced smile
and hung up his cell phone.
"Who was that,
dude?" I asked.
"No one. Just a
friend. How's it goin' Alex?"
I twirled over to him and
laid my head on his shoulder as I smiled up at
him. "Excellent. Come on in and tell me why
you're here dude?"
Glen stepped in and
briefly looked around.
"Ya got any beer,
dude?"
"In the fridge, big
guy. I think
door and headed to my
bedroom to lose my coat and tie.
As I walked out, Glen
handed me a beer. I noticed right away that he didn't
look me in the eyes, and
he was acting a little funny.
"Everything OK with
Jennifer?" I asked, trying to figure out what was going
on.
"Yeah, yeah she's
fine. Let's go sit down."
I gave him a funny look
as we went to my living room and sat opposite each
other in mismatched
rockers.
"So, what gives
Glen? You look awful?" I asked. He
was just beginning to
stammer out an answer
when my phone rang. I told him to hold
for just a
second while I got rid of
whoever it was. He told me to take the call, that
he was going to the
bathroom. As I grabbed the phone,
confused by Glen's
behavior, I was thrilled
to hear
"Hi, Alex. How ...
how are you dude?"
If Glen had sounded
strange,
"
There was some stammering
on the other end. A long pause, then in the
deadest voice I'd ever
heard.
Slowly, quietly, he
whispered: "Alex, yesterday ... At Disney ... dude ...
We ...we were seen ... I
was fuckin' recognized ... Alex, the fuckin' rumor
got here before I
did."
His voice was full of
fear, confusion and terrifying resignation.
"I ... I ... I don't
understand
I don't understand."
I said almost silently, fear rocketing up my spine.
There was silence for a
moment. The only sound I hear was the thumping of
my heart.
"Austin? Austin,
what are you saying? What does this mean? What did you
do?" I asked.
" I lied Alex ... I
told everyone it was just a fuckin' joke ... I told
them that we ... that you
were an old friend and we were just fuckin'
around. I don't know if
anyone believed me. It was so fucking stupid of me
to go there," his
voice rising with each word.
"Austin, What does
it mean? A-a-are you still coming home
when school's
out?"
My plea poured into the
receiver.
"No."
His voice was almost
silent.
Where moments before, my
heart was soaring with the eagles, now it was
crawling on the bottom of
the sea with the slugs.
I stood and began to
shake. In my panic, I began pleading with
though my cries could
sway what was obviously an awful and painful decision
for him. A decision as
resolute as it was tragic.
"Nooooo, Austin. We
can work it out. We'll figure it out.
there has to be a way.
I-I-I'll act more masculine. I'll stop telling
people about me. I can act butch!"
My pleas only earned me a
sob from the other end. I could picture his face
twisted in guilt and
pain, and it made me more determined to ... to take
him in my arms and make
it all go away.
"It's done
Alex. I-I-I can't tell you how sorry I
am. I didn't mean to
hurt you. It isn't fair.
Hate me if it'll help. But don't change for me,
Alex. You're ... You're so perfect, sweetheart.
God, Alex, I am sooo
fucking sorry."
"Noooooooo ...
Austin?" I shouted into the phone in a pained voice.
In a deliberate, smooth
voice, one holding back and dominating over his
pain,
and me ... and to hide what I've done ... Please, don't
call me ... don't
email me..."
After a long deadly pause
he added, "Good bye, baby."
The phone line went dead,
and all I could do was stand there holding the
phone. Shaking, begging to a dead line for another
chance, trying to
figure out what had
happened.
I jumped as a hand
touched my shoulder. I turned around to find Glen
standing there, tears in
his eyes as he mouthed how sorry he was. I wanted
to talk, but when I tried
my bottom lip started to quiver, then my eyes got
wet. A moment later, I
lost control and sunk into his arms. It was the
second time in less then
as many months that I had fallen apart in Glen's
arms.
To be honest, I don't
remember much beyond that that night. As the night
went on, I was swallowed
by the black fog which blotted out light and
reason. I fell from the cliff
of jubilation to the depths of a black
abyss. Poor Glen could do
nothing but utter pointless platitudes.
I tried to get ready for
work the next day, but I could do little but cry
and stare out the window.
Thankfully, Glen had spent the night and called
my work and explained to
them what happened. Then he called his own job and
did the same. Glen called
several of my other friends when he thought I
couldn't hear him,
explaining what happened. And once he found my address
book, he called my
doctor, too.
About noon, Mrs. Tremere
came in and tried to talk with me. All I remember
was crying on her
shoulder as she held me. Some time later, she left a
platter of food, which I
had no interest in eating.
My reactions might seem
excessive or overly dramatic to some people, but my
actions weren't for
sympathy or for dramatic effect. The part of my brain
governed by logic had
been replaced with a screaming, frightened child.
To Glen's credit, he got
me to the doctor after lunch, and I was started on
Prozac and Xanax that
afternoon. Glen was given some sleeping pills for me
if I needed them. That
evening, Michael showed up and took over the shift
for Glen.
When I started to protest
Michael simply said, "Alex, I took off work and I
am here to help you. If
you start fighting me, I will Baker Act your ass!
I'm your best friend, and
I'm sure as shit not going through what I did the
last time."
Michael wasn't being
mean, just firm and blunt. No one understood me better
in this situation than he
did. No one else had earned the right to
talk to
me like this or threaten
to have me committed. Michael had been
through
hell with me and come out
still calling me a friend.
Then Michael came over
and put his arms around me, an act which might seem
normal for most people
under these circumstances. But Michael wasn't most
people. He wasn't
governed by the warm fuzzy laws of emotion which prevail
over most people's lives.
"I'm sorry, Alex. I
really am, sweetheart. None of us saw this
coming. Maybe he'll come
around when he gets over the shock. He was
obviously in love with
you Alex. We're trying to figure out who's gonna
talk to him. His bitch of
a girlfriend won't let him have contact with
anybody here. She's
threatened to tell everyone in Gainesville that he's
gay if he tries to get in
touch with anybody here. You just hold yourself
together."
So my big, strong best
friend held me as the storms within raged and I
cried until his shirt was
soaking wet.
The 29th came. It was a
Friday, and it was also Austin's birthday. Cynthia
and Phil took me back to
Phil's house to get me away from my
apartment. While I was
out, I later learned that Michael was downloading
all my information on
Austin onto CDs so I wouldn't get mad and destroy all
the letters and pictures
I would never be able to replace.
They tried to help, as
did Korma and Steve. But nothing could pull me away
from the fact that today
was my boyfriend's birthday. Even if he didn't
ever want to see me
again.
Late that night, as Phil
played soft rock on his guitar in his living room,
Ryan showed up and
scooped me up into a huge hug. He whispered how sorry he
was about what had
happened, and set me back on the couch so I would lean
against his side. His
big, tanned, gym-toned arm draped protectively around
me.
"Hey, Alex, would
you like to do me a huge favor?" Ryan asked me.
I nodded detachedly.
"Not sure I'll be
much good, but if you think I can help ... " I said
slowly.
"I was thinking that
maybe you wouldn't mind coming down to spend the
weekend at my house with
me and Brandon. And then tomorrow night, you could
accompany me to a dinner
party."
I was about to protest
about my mood when Ryan interjected, "And don't
worry about your mood,
Alex. These are all formal, tight-ass Disney
officials and their
equally dull dates. You'll be the cutest and youngest
guy there. So if you're a
little down, you'll fit right in. I won't even
have to worry about you
being bored."
I thought about it a few
a minutes, and when he squeezed my shoulders I
finally acquiesced.
"The Prozac is
kicking in, Ryan. I'm not promising I'll be a lot of
fun. But sure, I think I
can handle a dinner party."
Ryan got up and said,
"Great, we'll swing by your house since I doubt I
have anything that would
fit you. You're doing me a great service,
Alex. There's nothing
worse then showing up to an office dinner party
single. Every wife,
girlfriend, significant other and boyfriend would be
trying to set me up on
blind dates over the next month."
I think I smiled for the
first time in a week at that image.
"So basically I'm
saving you from loads of anonymous sex and possibly
meeting a
boyfriend?"
I got a sideways look
soaked in sarcasm. "Yeah, exactly."
We got to my apartment.
As we went through my closet looking for something
"dressy casual
formal" Ryan finally sighed, "You have rugged casual, you
have jock casual and you
have funeral or wedding formal. But what the hell
do you wear to dinner
parties, Alex?"
"My cock ring and a
lobster bib?" I asked sarcastically.
Ryan laughed. Then I
admitted that I had never actually been to a dinner
party.
"Alex, tomorrow we
are going to take you out clothes shopping. Winter Park
has a few really nice
places."
My eyes started to flash
dollar signs so bright that Ryan saw them. "And
don't worry about the
prices, Think of it as payment for helping me out,"
he said.
I nodded my head in
agreement, feeling somewhat like a hooker. The Prozac
was cutting through the
fog in my brain finally, and the pain was no longer
pushing me to the edge of
suicide. I was coping, but barely.
So Ryan drove me to his
house. It was a nice 1950s style
four-bedroom
house in the College Park
section of Orlando. It hadn't been decorated much
yet, but it was very
nice. After we'd taken the tour and met
Ryan's
playful but big two black
Labs, Brandon came home.
Brandon was a nice guy -
tall, short dark hair - but a bit shy. He barely
said a word before
evaporating to his room. I asked Ryan later if Brandon
was mad at something or
me. Ryan assured me that Brandon would behave this
way for the first few
times that he met me. Plus, Brandon was working on a
special project and
probably just getting home from putting in extra hours
at work. Ryan said that
if Brandon hadn't liked me, he would have stayed
out with us and glared at
me. So I guess in a strange way it was a good
sign.
I slept in the guest
bedroom. The next day, Ryan woke me
early and we had
a quick breakfast which
Brandon had fixed for us. Before 10 a.m., we were
heading to Winter Park to
go shopping for something dressy casual.
I wanted to hit the main
street and go window shopping, so we did. I would
have spent thousands if
I'd had it. Neither rain, nor sleet, no
mind-numbing depression
could fully stop a fag from shopping. I did try to
hide behind Ryan as much
as possible around other people. Ryan humored me,
but kept pointing out
that circuit and club clothes weren't what I needed.
Finally, he took me to
this stuffy men's clothing store. In a few minutes,
he had me dressed in a
dark gray silk wool-blend sports coat with pair of
matching slacks, a dark
blue silk shirt, and a belt that cost more then
most of my sweaters and
jackets. He sent me to get the jacket and pants fit
while he paid. I was grateful as if I had known the price,
I'm sure I
would have died from
whatever it is that makes one die when they realize
how much someone has
spent on them.
I decided to buy my own
shoes and he took me to some store I don't
remember, and I winced at
the price but felt better that I at least bought
these. I was going to
look damned good. Not that I really cared. Without
Austin there to beam his
approval at me, the compliments would seem empty.
We ate lunch at one of
the small bistros that
for. We ate foo-foo food
and drank a little wine and were waited on by a
very friendly gay waiter
named Raymond. I was beginning to worry about what
kind of Jethro Clampett
impression I was going to make with this champagne
and crumpets crowd.
Ryan was so suave in his
casual assurance that they'd love me. He
smiled
and said, "I know it
sounds crass, but if they get to be too much, let them
know you just finished a
long relationship with a professional
athlete. When they find
out it was baseball instead of tennis or golf,
they'll nod knowingly as
they'll have no clue about who is who, and wonder
what you're worth
now."
I smiled and looked out
the window at the beautiful street. My eyes welled
up as I wondered if
"I'm sorry, Alex. I
didn't mean to cause you any pain. Let's
go find
something fun to do
before we have to go back and get ready for that
party," Ryan offered
with an encouraging grin.
"Don't worry about
it, Ryan. It happens every 10 minutes whether someone
brings him up or not ...
just gonna take time if what everybody tells me is
true."
I wiped my eyes with my
napkin as Raymond took Ryan's credit card up to
cash us out.
"So why are you
going to this party since you obviously don't want to go"?
I asked.
"Politics," was
all he said as he took a drink of his wine.
"Well, is it
politically acceptable to bring a gay date to an office
party?" I asked him.
"Oh, that's not
really an issue. At least a third of the people there will
be gay or lesbian. I'm bringing you to let them know I'm gay
without
having to say it, and to
show them what kind of guys I prefer. More
importantly, it gets you
out of the house. And like I said, with you beside
me, I will be spared
weeks of blind dates and boring dinners."
We got up to leave, and
Raymond brought Ryan's platinum Amex card back to
him. After signing it and leaving a tip that made
Raymond smile and thank
him several times, Ryan
finally asked me what I wanted to do.
Not having any great
ideas myself, I left it up to Ryan. We landed up
looking for furniture at
several antique and second-hand stores. It was an
interesting afternoon and
served to keep my mind off other matters for a
while. In the end, I
helped Ryan carry two ornately carved cherry end
tables back to his car.
"Ryan, I have a
question," I stated as we got to his car.
"Shoot," Ryan
said as he turned to face me.
"Why are you doing
all this for me?" I asked.
"I mean, the
wonderful birthday, now a bazillion dollars for a suit to a
party. Why so much?"
His body trembled for a
split second, and his shoulders slumped
slightly. He looked up
briefly and saw a sign several doors down.
"Let's go get some
coffee," he said, without answering my question.
He held the door open for
me and walked directly to the counter and smiled
at the girl behind the
counter. She smiled back with that plastic
grin.
"Can I help
you?" she asked.
Ryan looked at me.
"What are you having?" he asked.
I ordered a frozen
cappuccino. Ryan ordered a large frozen citrus tea. He
had me pick a table
outside, saying that he'd bring the drinks to me when
they were done.
I chose a small round
table off to the side from the others and sat down
staring down the old
streets and at the beautiful old trees. I had barely
gotten comfortable when
Ryan pushed through the door with our drinks. He
set them on the table and
plopped down in the chair.
He took a sip from his
frozen drink and let out a heavy sigh.
"I believe I owe you
a story," he began.
I took a sip from my
cappuccino and nodded with a heavy undercurrent of
curiosity.
"Melissa and a few
of your friends know something about me that you don't,"
Ryan started. "I was
... how do I say this ... recruited ... to help you."
I gave Ryan a funny look,
but didn't say anything. What does one say to
that?
"Since my junior
year in high school, I've dated an athlete," Ryan said,
pausing to drink some
more of his tea. "His name is Michael, and he played
football and baseball at
the university in
president. So, with all
due respect to Glen and Dan and your friend
Michael, I have an
advantage over them. I've 'been' there."
He stopped to see my
reaction. What could I do? I just nodded and waited
for him to go on.
"I know what it's
like to have a secret that you'd love to share but can't.
I know what it's like to
love someone with all your heart, all your mind
and all your soul, keep
it to yourself and not let anyone know how truly
happy you are," he
stopped and looked at the trees that I'd been staring
at.
"How did everybody
know you could help then if it was such a secret?" I
asked. "And why didn't you tell me this
before."
"I was going to,
trust me. Nobody knew. I'm probably the least likely
person they'd ask to
help. I haven't lived here very long, so nobody really
knows anything about
me," Ryan said. "Melissa explained my history to Dan,
and he gave a shortened
version to Glen. Glen called and asked if I'd talk
to you." Ryan let his eyes stroll from the park back
to me.
"Don't get the wrong
idea. It was my idea to invite you to the dinner
party. No one forced me. In fact, I was going to ask
you anyway, if
gave me permission,
before I knew any of this had happened. I knew it would
be a good idea to get you
out of the house." He gave a wry smile and added,
"And I wanted to see
what you looked like all dressed up."
"Dude ... I don't
know where to begin," I said.
Ryan glanced at his
watch. "We have some time."
I thought for a second of
what I wanted to know, where I wanted to start.
"OK, so how'd you
meet this guy?" I asked.
Ryan smiled.
"I went to high
school at the university where my dad was president. I
played on our baseball
team. One day, I was standing in the outfield and
some guys from the
university's baseball team were leaning against the
fence heckling me. I hit
a home run in that game and made a great throw to
the catcher for an
out. That kind of shut everybody up.
When I came back
out one inning, there was
only one guy left. He was shouting stuff like
'Nice homer' and 'Nice
throw.' I looked over at him and he smiled at me,
and I smiled back. He was
wearing these gray sweats and a cap. I really
didn't think anything of
it.
He drank before
continuing.
"Because we played
our games at the university's stadium, several of their
players were helping us
after the game. So I was helping my best friend
with the pitchers' mound,
and the guy who had been watching came up and
introduced himself and
asked if he could help. I didn't realize who it was
until he introduced
himself. His name was ... is Michael Waters. He was
like this god-athlete. He
played quarterback for the football team and
outfield for the baseball
team, and he was just amazing at both. We became
friends, we worked out
together, and in spending all this time together, we
eventually learned that
we were both gay.
"Michael and I spent
a weekend camping and talking and getting to know each
other better. One of the
things that came out of that weekend was that we
admitted that we wanted
to be boyfriends. We dated from until he graduated
from college and moved
back to
three times a week for
more than two years until I finished school. I
interviewed with Disney
at a job fair at the university. They were very
interested in hiring me
when I graduated, and I told them I would work for
them on the condition that
I worked in
said, 'fine,' and I moved
to
until I moved here."
As Ryan drank some more I
asked, "How did you go for two years without
seeing him? I mean ... how?"
"Well, that's how
much I loved him. Even though we told each other that we
could date other people,
we never did. Instead, we talked by phone
constantly. We saw each
other at Christmas and during the summer. Wait
until you meet him. Then
you'll understand. The only reason I'm here and
he's not is because this
transfer was too good to pass up. Michael's
considering moving out
here, but the timing isn't right for him
professionally. We're
patient. We know it will happen eventually."
I contemplated this when
he was done talking.
"No one knew you
guys were dating? How the hell did you keep that quiet?" I
asked.
"Well, it wasn't
easy. His teammates noticed that he was doing less with
them and more with
someone else, specifically a guy who at first was in
high school. They also noticed that I started showing up
at practice and
stuff. We worked out
together every other night after our classes and
practice. He'd drive me
to my house or I'd drive him to the dorm. Because
my dad was the university
president, we lived in what was called the
president's house on
campus. Michael ate at our house so much, my mom joked
that his last name was
really Fuller. Melissa found out that we were dating
because she caught us
together."
My eyebrows arched, and I
gave him a quizzical look and said, "Oh? You tell
her or did she discover
it on her own?"
Ryan grinned and said,
"Our folks were out of town, and she was supposed to
be spending the weekend
at a friend's condo at
remember. She came home early because there was
supposed to be a big
snowstorm, and they
didn't want to get stuck on the highway and not able to
get home. Our little
brother, Brian, was staying at a friend's house. So I
had the house to
myself. Michael and I were watching TV.
We had the fire
going. We didn't have a
stitch of clothes on. We were lying on the couch,
my back resting against
Michael's chest and his arms wrapped around
me. Melissa walked
through the door, and you should have seen the look on
her face. Fortunately, a
big blanket covered us, but she saw the clothes
piled on the floor next
to the couch and realized we didn't have anything
on."
I rolled my eyes and
smiled at him, "So who freaked out worse, you, Michael
or Melissa???"
He grinned and said,
"She was really cool about it. She was floored that
her brother was dating
Michael Waters, this big-time athlete. She promised
not to tell. And we were
all grateful it was her who found us and not Brian
or my folks.
"So, you just hid
for the whole time? How do you stay close when you're not
allowed to be open?"
Ryan shrugged and said,
"Well, to answer your question, Michael and I did a
lot of things in public.
We went out to eat, we went to bars - straight
bars at school but gay
clubs when we were somewhere else - when I was old
enough, we went to
movies, we went to other sporting events together, we
went skiing, we went
camping, we went hiking, we went mountain biking. What
we didn't do was offer
public displays of affection. We didn't hold hands
in public, we didn't kiss
in public, we didn't flirt in public. We
couldn't. And let me tell
you, when you love somebody that much, it hurts
not to be able to show
affection whenever you want to. Because you never
know who's watching and
who recognizes you. It's the sacrifice we chose
because we both wanted to
be together. It was a trade off. I got a great
boyfriend, but I had to
keep that to myself"
"I wish you'd told
us this before we went to Disney. H-he, might still be,"
I trailed off as my eyes
started to water up.
Ryan handed me a dry
napkin and patted my hand as I wiped my eyes.
"I figured you were
far enough away from his school it wouldn't matter. And
I had no idea he'd be
that reckless," Ryan said.
"It wasn't his fault,
it was mine. I'm the one who kept hanging off him and
..." my voice trailed off.
"It wasn't anybody's
fault, Alex. You were in love, and you both acted upon
that. You did what
Michael and I couldn't do. If anyone is
at fault, it's
the person who gossiped
on you for being ignorant and intolerant. It was
probably someone who's
scared of being around people are different."
I nodded my head and
tried not to start crying again. My head was hurting
trying to process all of
Ryan's story as well as the dynamics of Austin and
myself.
"Anyways, my point
was that no one knew about us," Ryan added.
"Except
Melissa," I said softly
"Well, Michael's
folks guessed but didn't say anything for about a year.
They said they could tell
we were in love. When they told us, they said
they could see it in our
eyes. Melissa said she knew something was up by
the way we looked at each
other and acted around each other. But let me
tell you, not being able
to share your love with others is the hardest
thing I've ever done.
That's why I probably act closer to 40 than I do
30. I grew up real quick,
thanks to Michael."
At that point, Ryan got
up and indicated that we would walk around the
streets as we talked.
"I knew that if I
wanted to keep him, and I did, that's how it would have
to be. Like I said, it's the sacrifice I had to
make."
I thought about this a
second before asking slowly. "So ... were you guys
ever intimate?"
Ryan laughed, "All
the time, just not in public. We left town a lot. Like I
said, we'd go skiing or
we'd go camping or we'd go horseback riding or we'd
go hiking or we'd go
biking. We'd find reasons to spend time away from the
area. When I graduated from high school, Michael
and I spent a week at his
folks' house in San
Diego. They lived in this huge house across the bay on
Coronado Island. I'd
never been there before. I fell in love with the
area. While I was there,
Michael surprised me with a weekend at a gay
resort in Palm
Springs. It was amazing. But it was
totally cool because we
were with others like us
and could be ourselves. Nobody knew who Michael
was, or if they did,
nobody cared. When I turned 30 a couple
of years ago,
Michael took me on a gay
cruise. It was one of the most fun times I've ever
had, in part because we
could be who we are. You should see some
of the
pictures."
I was taken out of my
funk for a time, captured as I was by his
reminiscing.
"And your folks
never knew?" I asked.
"Well, if they did,
they never admitted it," Ryan said. "The closest I
think we ever came to
getting outed to my folks was when Michael got hurt
during a football game.
He had to get carted off into the locker room. I
started crying in my
dad's suite at the stadium, and he had security escort
me down to see Michael. I
refused to leave his side, and he kept asking me
to do little things for
him. My dad even let me stay with him in the
hospital. At that point,
I didn't care if my folks knew or not.
"When Michael and I
went to San Diego, his parents let us sleep together in
their house for a week as
long as we promised not to have sex while they
were around. That was
cool. But once they were gone to work in the morning
... Oh my god! We decided
that since Michael's folks knew and were cool
with it, we should tell
me folks. Michael was there with me. My folks were
totally cool. They'd
already been treating Michael as if he was a third
son. Since Melissa
already knew, I didn't have to tell her. But I came out
to Brian. He gave me a
big hug and told Michael 'welcome to the family.'
Everybody was so awesome
about it."
I smiled lost in my
thoughts.
"My mom was cool
about it when I came out. She barely lifted an eyebrow.
She'd love Austin. But
his parents are so mean to him. His father is so
conservative and right
wing, he'd probably never talk to Austin again."
Ryan was silent for a
moment.
"I know it's not
like that with everyone. Michael and I had it lucky. Not
everyone is so fortunate.
The bad news, Alex, is that while I can totally
relate to your dating an
athlete, I can't relate to your reaction to what
Austin told you on the
phone the other day. Michael and I are soul
mates. Like I said, wait
until you meet him."
My eyes threatened to
water up as his words cut me. Ryan immediately
stepped in front of me,
turned to face me and held my hands firmly.
"Alex, I sense the
same thing with you and Austin. You just have to weather
this storm. I know you
probably don't believe me, but you'll get through
it. I wish I could tell
you how quickly, but I can't. You just have to
fight through it. You can't stare at the phone, and you can't
ask 'what if
we hadn't gone to
Disney?' You just have to accept what's
happened and
move on. Because if it
wasn't Disney, it would have been some place
else. You have to live
your life. What doesn't kill you will ultimately
make you stronger. You
have to believe that."
I looked up in his eyes
and asked, "You really think he'll come back to
me?"
Ryan released my hands,
and we began to walk again down an old brick
street.
"I can't promise
that will happen. And I can't tell you when. But I sense
it, Alex. I see a lot of
Michael and myself in you and Austin. But you just
can't wait around,
marking days off on the calendar and waiting for it to
happen. You have to stop acting like a victim and
take charge of your
life."
"I know," I
said. "It's just hard for me to think clearly about anything
right now. But I ... I
appreciate your help. I guess it helps knowing I can
turn to you."
"I promise, I'll
always be here for you," Ryan said. "And Austin, too, if
he ever needed me."
A minute later, we
climbed in his car and drove off to his place. Once at
his house, we set up the
new tables in his living room. Sure enough, they
looked awesome. Then
after a shower, we got ready for the party. Despite my
mood, I had to admit, I
looked damn fine in that outfit.
Ryan and Brandon gave
long wolf whistles when I walked into the living
room, where they were
sitting and chatting.
"Alex, you're
stunning! Everyone at the party is going to think I paid for
you!"
I blushed, but couldn't
help smiling and looking at myself in the mirror. I
was pretty hot in that
outfit.
"You are paying for
me, Ryan." I reminded him as I fingered my lapel.
Brandon got up suddenly
and said he had an important phone call to make. A
second later, he was
gone. Ryan just shrugged his shoulders and walked up
behind me as I was
admiring my figure in the mirror and put his hands on my
shoulder and gently
pulled me back against him.
"Screw Michael and
Austin, I'm keeping you!" Ryan said with a trace of
humor in his voice.
I leaned my head against
him for a moment and said, "You should know Ryan,
if anything does happen,
it won't be because you're paying."
Ryan stiffened a bit and
said very dryly, "Nothing is going to happen today
Alex, and if or when it
does, trust me, it won't be because I paid for it.
It's way too soon for you
any case."
So we let the matter drop
and left for the party.
The word
"party" conjures many things to my mind, fun being foremost among
these. This "party" was many things, but
fun never entered the equation.
Ryan forewarned me that
he would have to make lots of small talk with his
bosses and co-workers
because Disney office parties seemed to merely serve
as an extension of the
regular work day. I was introduced to several people
from his office and their
wives, girlfriends and two fellow boyfriends (one
gay, one not).
I finally excused myself
to get a drink and wondered out to the patio to
sit quietly, stare at the
night sky, escape the stifling atmosphere inside
and ponder my place in
life.
"Mind if I join
you?" a voice said from behind me a few minutes later.
I turned to see a
gorgeous blond walking up to me and holding a martini.
"N-no, not at
all," I stammered.
This guy was
breathtaking, in his late 20s, tall, light brown hair with
blond highlights, tan,
dimples, green eyes and a pair of sparkling diamond
ear studs. He wore a grey sports coat with a rich red
shirt and a silver
patterned tie. A little over the top, but at least I knew he
was gay. He
smiled with a set of
perfect teeth gleaming in the reflected light and
stuck out his hand.
"Hi, I'm Jason
Brenner. I'm here with Donald Mayo."
I gave a brief smile and
shook his hand.
"Hi, I'm Alex
Johnson. I'm here with Ryan Fuller."
Jason looked me over with
an appraising eye that made me uncomfortable.
"You're here with
the cute new guy from California. Donald talks about him
a lot. From your accent I
can tell that you're obviously from around
here. So, are you a new
boyfriend or did he rent you, too?"
I was stunned by Jason's
cavalier attitude. "I-I-I'm not either, I'm not a
hustler. Who told you
that?"
Then I remembered that he
said, "too."
"What did you mean
'too'? Who else is a hustler?" I asked, looking back at
the party.
Jason was lighting a
cigarette as he grinned and said, "Well, technically I
am, I guess. But only a few times a year."
I stepped back a bit,
"Whatcha mean?"
Jason laughed,
"Relax, you can't catch it from me!"
I was even more confused
until I realized he thought I was moving because
of the hustler
revelation. "Oh no, it's the ..." I pointed at his
cigarette.
"Ohhhhhh, sorry, I
usually ask," he dropped it and stomped it out.
"Thanks, you didn't
have to do that, I just hate the smell so I usually
just stay at a distance
till it's done," I smiled.
"Well, you know, my
line of work, I have to be sensitive to other guys'
feelings," he
grinned at me like it was a joke. "Especially if they're cute
little things."
I was seriously confused.
All I could do was stammer a "thank you."
Jason saw my discomfort
and started to laugh an easy casual laugh.
"Relax. I'm not
hitting on you, and I'm certainly not trying to get you as
a client. Fact is, I only
see three clients ever. I work at Sea World as a
diver the rest of the
time."
I tried to think of what
to say. He moved closer after he blew
his smoke
out over my head.
"I don't want most
of the stuffed shirts to know I'm not Donald's
boyfriend. A few do, but only other 'family,' " he
said.
"I-yuh ... I ...
how? Why?" I stammered in confusion.
Jason laughed.
"I met Donald
through friends when I was in college. Back then, I depended
on older gay men for a
lot of my income. I didn't even have sex with all of
them, most are like
Donald and just wanted to be seen socially with a
good-looking younger guy.
They wanted companionship and conversation. I
traded that for money and
a chance to experience the finer things I might
otherwise never get to
try."
My eyes must have been
bugging out.
"OK, stop looking at
me like a circus freak," Jason said.
"I got to travel
through Europe and all over the East Coast in college. And
I made a fair amount of
money, too. Now I just see three gentleman,
including Donald a few
times a year. Last time, I didn't even charge
him. Besides, I'm
finishing up my MBA next year."
Jason took a drink as I
digested this. I felt like I was talking to someone
from another world. I was
in a way, I guess.
"Anyway, now it's
more like a friendship courtesy. I've known Donald for
eight years and have been
at these office parties for the last seven."
Jason took a drink then
lifted his glass at me and asked, "So what is your
story, anyways? What
brought you and Leon together?"
I smiled back, "It's
'Ryan.' We're just friends. I met him last month when
he came to a party I was
at. He'd moved here and didn't know any gay guys,
so his sister invited him
to meet us."
When I recalled the other
half of "us," my face involuntarily dropped.
"Us?" Jason
asked.
I swallowed and tried to
sound the same as I continued.
"The guy I was
dating then. W-w-we broke up recently," I looked down at the
ground and averted my
eyes a moment. Enough unhappiness came
through in my
voice to show my raw
wounds.
"I'm sorry, Alex. I
didn't mean to upset you," he said softly while placing
a hand on my shoulder.
My eyes filled with tears
and I looked at him and asked, "C-can we p-please
not talk about it? I-it's only been a few days."
Jason smiled at me and
gave me a reassuring squeeze. Then he leaned in
close and conspiratorial
and asked, "OK, so why do Disney execs wear their
neck ties and shirts so
tight?"
I shrugged my shoulders
as I wiped my eyes on the napkin Jason handed me.
"It keeps the
foreskin from rolling up over their faces," he grinned
devilishly.
It took a second, but
when I got it, I began to laugh hard. Jason started
to laugh at me, and then
I laughed even harder. It was the first time I'd
laughed in days, and I
couldn't stop for several minutes. Finally, I
stopped and realized a
crowd had joined us.
"I'm dying to hear
what was so funny," Ryan asked as he walked up besides
me.
I thought about telling
him the joke for a second. When Jason's eyes get
wide with concern, I
realized that it wasn't the joke to make friends with
here,
"You had to be
there, Ryan. Jason was just trying to cheer me up," I said,
wiping my eyes again.
Ryan gave Jason an odd
look and then put his arm around me and asked if I
would talk to a friend of
his. I turned to Jason and thanked him for the
laugh, then followed Ryan
inside.
"Alex, you know who
Jason is?" Ryan asked as we navigated the party.
"Your boss'
boyfriend?" I answered, not knowing if knew about the
intricacies of their
relationship.
"He's a hustler,
Alex. Be careful with him! Brandon said he's gay for pay,"
Ryan said out of the side
of his mouth, even as he was smiling and waving
to some guest he hadn't
talked to.
"I think he's nicer
then you give him credit for, though.
Besides, he's
getting an MBA soon, it's
not like he'll need the money."
"Just be careful,
Alex. I don't want to see you hurt by another pretty
face." Ryan said as we purposefully moved towards a
small group of people.
I was introduced and
asked some polite question by the group of women and
men, especially
concerning my relationship with Ryan. The consensus was
that Ryan needed to be
sure and not let me go.
As we got ready to leave,
Jason came up and asked me if I liked the party.
"Well, it's better
then sitting at home and crying," I smiled warmly. "And
I met a nice guy who made
me laugh when I didn't think I ever would again."
"Funny, I didn't peg
you as a drama queen," Jason grinned at me.
I grinned a little and
stuck my tongue out at him. "Funny, I had you pegged
as a smart ass almost
immediately."
"Well, seriously
Alex, before you go I wanted to give you my card. You seem
like a really nice guy,
and I thought we might hang out sometime if you
want. Maybe I could invite you to Sea World."
"I'd like that
Jason, though you may have to put up with some more drama,"
I teased.
He gave me a quick hug
and then went over to Donald. Shortly afterwards
Ryan and I left the
party.
"I saw Jason give
you his card," Ryan said as he was driving me back to his
house.
I felt guilty for some
reason even though I had no reason to be.
"Yeah. Aside from
you, he was the only person there that talked to me. He
invited me to hang out
some afternoon if I wanted. It doesn't mean
anything. And even if I am an emotional wreck now, I
know enough to not
fall for a rebound
situation."
Ryan was quiet a moment,
then simply said, "You don't have to justify
anything to me, Alex. I'm
your friend and protector, not your keeper. Like
I said earlier, I just
don't want to see you hurt."
I sat for a moment trying
to figure out what I felt and how to proceed.
"Jason is a funny
guy. He was supportive when he saw me break down. He even
came to check on me. I'm
not planning to date him. Right nowm I'm pretty
sure I may never date
again. It just hurts too bad. But he made me
laugh. All my other
friends are so worried about me slipping into some
suicidal depression, they
keep hovering around like ghouls asking how I am
and treating me like a
cancer patient. Maybe I need to be treated ... like
a real guy and not a
fragile doll."
"I haven't treated
you like a toy have I?" Ryan asked.
"No. You've not only
been supportive, but it was you who brought me to the
party, explained that you
could help and why, and got me out of my house.
Thank you, Ryan."
"You're welcome,
Alex. I'm here for you whenever you need help."
We were both quiet after
that. It slowly began to dawn on me that
Ryan's
reaction wasn't only
protective it was ... possibly ... jealousy?
I turned
and looked at my tall and
suave friend and watched him in the dark, the
streetlights and
headlights lighting his face. He'd said several things
recently that had caught
my attention.
I could only wonder what
was happening to me.