Excerpt from Jake's journal
The morning started the same with breakfast dispensing of the pills and all
the little things that Nurses and doctors do to their patiences.
Dave Gates dropped in and spent a few minutes visiting. He left looking happier
about my attitude. And then a little later Allen made his
morning visit.
"Good morning, Jake, you look like you're ready to get out of that bed
and do some laps around the hospital this morning."
"It's all just looks, I'm still pretty weak."
"So how do you feel about life this morning?" he asked.
I shrugged. "Like I told the doctor this morning, I've got a couple
more novels to write."
"I'm glad to hear that. I hear you had a couple of visitors
yesterday."
"Yeah, Dave Gates dropped in to see how I felt about Jim. He dropped in
a while ago just to say hi."
"That's a good thing."
I looked at him in mock disgust. "You say that again and I'll start
calling you Martha."
He blushed and grinned. "I see that you're getting your sense of humor
back. That is a good thing."
I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Yeah, I'm feeling pretty good, although
last night I was feeling really down and angry at everyone including you. But,
I had a long talk with Charley's dad in the wee hours
this morning. We've developed a close rapport. I feel much better about things
this morning, and I made a decision awhile ago, Allen. I haven't had time to
think it through with all that's been going on, but that will come." I
stopped and thought about what I was going to say. I must have been thinking
for more than a minute because Allen got impatient.
"So, what have you decided?"
"I have decided that what happened is no big deal. I am not going to be
a victim. I got roughly fucked without my consent by someone that I've been
roughly fucked by before with my consent. Other than the bite on my chest I
wasn't physically harmed. I think that what I did to Jim was sufficient
payback."
Allen grinned. "So call me Martha."
"Better yet," I grinned at him, "I'll call you Mr. Good Thing
and let you explain the name."
He laughed. "I like that better than Martha."
"Allen?" He straightened his face at my serious tone of voice.
"I need to talk to Charley," I asked.
"That can be easily done. When?"
"Now."
"So what are you waiting for?" he asked. I looked at him,
confused. "Jake," he said, "you've got that cell phone laying beside your pillow. If you want to talk to Charley,
then do it."
I felt like a moron. I'd forgotten completely about the phone. I picked it
up and hit the first number in the speed dial. It only rang once before Charley
answered.
End of Excerpt
-=J=-
Charley had decided, on awaking, that he was going to see Jake today, even if
he had to force his way into the room. Knowing that the guys that Dave had
drawn into his family had the privilege of visiting Jake almost anytime, he
still waited until
When he stepped into the hospital lobby he got cold feet. The thought of
Jake rejecting him again was more than he was ready to deal with. He pulled out
his cell phone and checked it. He hadn't missed any calls. Jake still hadn't
wanted to talk to him. The mild high he'd been on after making the decision to
see Jake had fled. Feeling a bit depressed again, he went back outside and
walked across the street to the campus. As he stepped onto the curb he turned
around and looked back at the Hospital wondering which room might be Jake's, or
if Jake's window was even on this side of the building.
He sighed and decided to get a cup of coffee and try to get his
determination back in gear. Students were dodging around him as he shuffled
across the Quad toward the bookstore coffee shop with his head down. After
getting a cup of cappuccino, he found a table on the sidewalk to sit. From
where he sat he could look across the quad to the hospital on the other side of
the campus.. He sat back and watched the swarms of
students rushing from one building to another.
As the crowd thinned he saw Dave enter the quad from the direction of the
Tower and head toward the hospital. He wondered where he was headed, as he
watched another fellow follow along behind him. He noticed how the man seemed
to study every person that got anywhere near Dave, and realized that even
though he looked like everyone around him, he was Dave's body guard. 'That will
soon be me going there. I wish I could get to work. This sitting around waiting
is getting to me. Oh, well, it will happen soon.' Mentally shrugging, he
settled back to enjoy the cappuccino while he watched Dave and his guard enter
the hospital.
Twenty minutes later he saw Dave reappear and walk toward him. When he
crossed the street and stepped on to the sidewalk Charley stood up smiling.
Dave hadn't seen him until he stood. "Charley." he said ignoring Charley's extended hand and hugged him. Charley was a
little stiff at first not being accustomed to hugging other men in public, but
Dave was the kind of guy that one couldn't help but hug in return. Charley
stood a good six inches taller than Dave. He wrapped his arms around his
shoulders and patted him on the back and let go.
"Dave, it's nice to see you. Can I buy you a cup of coffee?"
Dave laughed. "In my own bookstore? Let me
treat you to another one. What are you drinking."
"Cappuccino."
"Sit tight. I'll be right back." He laid his book down and turned
to his bodyguard. "Regular with one packet of sugar,
right?" He asked. The guard nodded and grinned. "Oh. Charley
this is Roger. Roger this is Charley. You two will be working together
soon."
As Charley and Roger shook hands Dave said he'd be right back with coffee
and left. The two men stood looking at each other. Charley motioned for him to
sit and sat down himself.
"So you're going to work for Mr. Gates, too?" Roger asked. From
where they sat the guard could see Dave inside. He alertly watched him and
everyone that got near him.
Charley nodded absentmindedly as he turned the book over to look at Jake's
photo on the back. "Yeah, as soon as I get my life
straightened out."
"Marital problems?" Roger asked.
Charley glanced up and then back at the book cover. "Something like that."
"Women. Cant' live
with them, can't live without them. What's a guy to do? You know I kind of envy
these fags. They don't seem to have any of the problems we do."
"Who are you talking about?" Charley asked.
"Gates and his lover. They're like regular
guys, but they don't seem to bitch at each other like women do at us. You know
what I mean?"
Charley wondered if this guy's whole repertoire was cliches.
"Does Mr. Hansen know you refer to Mr. Gates and Mr. Paolini
that way?"
"What?" he barked out a short laugh. "I just call it the way
I see it. But I'm not dumb. I know not to use the term in front of them or our
boss."
Charley's hackles were rising. "How do you
feel about them being homosexual lovers?"
"Don't bother me as long as they keep there hands to themselves. Does
it bother you?"
"I'm okay with it. So do you know who Mr. Gates was visiting in the
hospital?" Charley ask offhanded as though he were curious, but not really
interested.
"Just some other fag that had tried to off
himself." He reached across the table and tapped the picture of
Jake on the book cover. "That's him."
"Do you know who that guy is?"
Roger shrugged. "He wrote that book. "
Charley was getting more angry by the second, but
he didn't let it show. "Were you in the service, Roger?"
"Nah, I became a sheriff's deputy back home right after I got of high
school."
"Where's home?"
"
"Bet there weren't any fags back there, was there?" Charley asked
baiting the homophobic ass hole. Roger grinned, thinking he's found a
compatriot. Charley's grin in return was with only
his lips. His eyes were frosty. "I'd bet you'd string him up to a fence to
die if your found one back there, just like those guys back in Montana did,
huh?"
"Damned right, wouldn't you?" Roger responded, unaware of the
anger he'd stirred up.
Charley sat back and shook his head. His demeanor changed. He looked at
Roger and shook his head. "No, Roger. I wouldn't. Even though I'm from a
small town, I wouldn't. You see, that man that Dave went up to visit is my
lover."
Roger looked shocked, horrified, as the realization registered that he'd
just royally fucked up. "Oh shit, Man, I am sorry. I didn't know....
"You were just being yourself, Roger." Charley's
calm unemotional voice scared Roger more than if Charley had been yelling and
beating him. "You were only showing your true colors. I'm sure that there
are places that would be eager to hire the likes of you. Don't sweat it."
"You don't understand," Roger couldn't stop his voice from
quavering. He was almost whining. "I like this job. I like Dave and Joe.
They are the best. Please, Charley. I apologize."
Charley sat back and studied the handsome young man. "Are you Gay,
Roger?"
"N-n-n-no. No, why would you ask that?"
He looked around nervously to make sure no one had overheard.
Charley grinned. He'd expected a macho bullshit reaction. "It
just a feeling. I tell you what, Rog. I'll
make you a deal."
"Anything Charley, I really don't want to lose this job." Roger
had visions of Charley insisting that he suck his cock or worse. Roger gulped,
as he thought about what Charley might demand. He realized he was getting
excited. Before he could even deal with his reaction, Dave came out with three
cups of coffee. Roger gave Charley a pleading look. Charley smiled at him stood
up and turned to relieve Dave of two of the cups. "Thanks, Dave." He
handed the one with no foam to Roger. "Roger just agreed to have dinner
with me tonight. Since we're going to be working together we thought it would
be good to become better acquainted." He said as they all sat back down.
Dave felt the tension between the two men, but figured it was just male rivalry
and ignored it. But Roger was looking a little insecure, and Dave was the kind
of person to try to make everyone feel good about themselves.
"That's great. Roger has done a good job so far. I'm sure he could give
you some pointers."
"Oh, he already has." Charley said, grinning at the young man.
"I think we're going to learn a lot from each other."
Dave missed the frightened look that Roger shot at Charley. Charley's calm cool demeanor scared him. He had no idea
what Charley had in mind, so he just nodded agreement, took his coffee and
moved a table away explaining that he could do a better job having a little
distance. Dave smiled his appreciation and Charley gave him a grin that didn't
reach his eyes.
Roger sat and watched the crowd of college students. His mind was only half
on his job. He knew he was going to have to admit to Charley that he was a fag
or probably get his ass whipped for the things he'd said earlier. It really
sucked not be comfortable with himself like Charley and Dave and all the other
gay men that he'd recently met.
"I stopped up to see Jake this morning," Dave said as a way to
start a conversation.
"How is he, Dave?"
"Physically, he's doing great, and his attitude was a lot better. I
talked to Allen for a minute this morning and he's of the opinion Jake will be
ready for outpatient sessions with him in another day or so."
Charley nodded and stared at the photo of his lover on the back of the book
cover.
Dave studied him a moment. "Hang in there, my friend. He's going to
come around soon and start asking for you. He does love you, you know."
"Yeah, Dave, I have no doubt about his love. The question is: can it be
enough to get him over the guilt he's feeling?"
"I don't understand this guilt thing totally. I know a rape victim
often feels like he deserved what happened, but they also usually want their
loved ones close by for reassurance."
"I've come to know Jake quite well in the few months we've been
together. I know how he thinks. You see, Dave, he feels he broke his word to me
by having sex with Jim after promising he wouldn't. Even if it was under
protest and the fact that he was paralyzed , he still
feels he broke his promise. Therefore, he's feeling unworthy of my love."
"Oh, that does explain it. He told me to tell you that he's sorry. He
almost let it slip out that he loves you, but he cut the word off before he got
it all out."
"I was sitting here considering breaking his door down if I have to, to
get to see him."
"I don't think you'll have to get that drastic. Why don't you call him. I saw a cell phone laying next
to he is head on his pillow."
"Yeah, I sent it up to him. Allen said it would be best if I waited for
him to make the first move."
"For once I disagree with my head-shrinking friend. I think the best
thing for Jake would be a big hug and reassurance from you."
-=J=-
Fifteen minutes later Charley was back in the hospital lobby after telling
Roger that he'd meet him at the Tower at six-thirty. He'd approached the
elevator several times and turned away before pushing the button to Jake's
floor. The lady at the reception desk smiled at him every time he turned in her
direction. He nodded to her the first couple of times and then ignored her as
he battled with himself.
What if Jake really didn't want to see him again? Could he accept that? What
would he do if Jake did reject him. Finally he told
himself he'd never know if he didn't go up there and confront him. As he headed
back to the elevator again, he pulled his phone out to call Jake and tell him
he was coming up and his cell phone rang before he could dial. He almost
dropped it. He pushed the elevator button as he turned it on. It was Jake. He
was so jubilant that he couldn't stop talking, telling Jake how much he loved
and missed him. He asked when he could come see him and when Jake said
"Now," he responded that he was on his way and snapped the phone
closed and did a little jig while waiting for the elevator to stop at the right
floor. He was still dancing when the elevator doors opened. He blushed when he saw
the nurses smiling at him. He rushed by them and trotted down the hall and
suddenly came to a halt. He had no idea which room Jake was in. He returned
red-faced to the Nurses station to ask directions to Jake's room. A nurse
giggled and gave him the room number. He heard her say as he walked away,
"Damn, those two must make a striking couple."
Excerpt from Jake's journal
I felt foolish for having forgotten the phone. I picked it up and hit the speed
dial number. Charley answered immediately. "Jake! I was just calling you.
How are you feeling? God, it's so wonderful to talk to you. You know I love
you, don't you? Jake? Are you there? Your not saying
anything," Charley yelled into the phone before I could even tell him it
was me.
It was so good to hear his voice. I laughed, "How can I?"
"Oh God, I'm sorry. It's so good to hear your voice and hear you laugh.
I love you, Jake. When can I come to you?"
"Now?" I felt the doubts and bad feelings
pushing at me.
"I'm on my way," he said and broke the connection.
I looked at Allen. "He's coming over here. Now.
Twice he told me that he loves me. Did you tell him to emphasize that?"
"I told him that it is important that you realize he loves you."
Allen nodded.
I pushed the panic aside and thought about it. Just as I opened my mouth to
say something the door flew open and in burst the most beautiful sight in the
world. All of my fears dissipated. His grin would have put
I laughed. "God, I love you, Charley."
He sat back holding me at arms length. "You know I love you, Jake.
There's so much I have to tell you."
"I know some of it. I've had a couple of visitors. Dave Gates came up
to see me."
"So you know I moved over here? Rather, I'm going to, as soon as you'll
come help me. I quit the Police Force in
"You're gushing like a school girl." I chuckled.
He pulled me back to his chest. "I thought I'd lost you, Jake. When Jim
called me and said you were in the hospital and they weren't too sure you
weren't too far gone to revive, I thought I would die if you....if you did. And
then when you finally woke up and didn't want to see me I wanted to again......
Dave and Allen talked to me. They explained the trauma you were going through.
I felt better, but I was so lost without you. You're right about Jason he is a
sharp tack. We sat and talked until late into night."
"Charley? Babe?"
I got him stopped. "We have the rest of our lives to talk,
right now I need your help."
"Anything, Jake. You know that."
He still had me clutched to his chest. "Charley,
let me lay back so I can see you." You'd have thought I was a broken doll
he was so gentle and careful letting me back down on the bed.
Allen stood up and patted Charley's shoulder.
"Listen, you two, I'm going to leave you to your privacy. Charley, can you
be here tomorrow morning at eleven. Whether you realize it or not, there are
some very important issues that you two have to deal with."
Charley turned to him still holding my hands. "I told you, Allen, I'll
do anything necessary to get us beyond this."
"Great. I'll see you both here at eleven then."
Charley and I talked about my book tour, how we missed each other, how he'd
taken care of the garden I'd started in his back yard. Actually, Charley
talked, I just watched him and smiled. Eventually, Gene came in to take me to
P.T. Charley kissed me and promised to be back later. Gene stood there grinning
as he left. His eyes followed Charley out the door. "I don't know which of
you guys is better looking," he said.
"Charley is, by far," I said.
"I won't say that." Gene replied.
-=J=-
Before Gene attempted to get me out of bed this time.
He tested my strength against his resistance. "I think you're doing great,
Jake. Let's see how you do standing."
He helped me sit up, which was a lot easier that yesterday, and pulled my
legs around to the side of the bed. He helped me into a robe and then edged me
off the bed as I held onto his shoulders.
It felt good to stand, but my legs started quivering. Gene pulled the wheel
chair into position so I could sit. I collapsed into it and cursed myself for
being in this condition. He pushed me through the door to the elevators and
down to Physical Therapy.
After an hour of cajoling insistence he'd gotten me to work out through a
dozen machines. Although I was tired and sweaty, the thin pajamas clinging to
me, I felt good. I felt alive again. We'd talked more about his experience and
how he'd come to take his uncle that had raped him into his home.
Gene's family, which had been so coddling through the trial, had ostracized
him afterwards when he admitted that he was gay. He had a very good
psychologist working with him and as he worked through his trauma and feelings
of rejection and worthlessness, the psychologist had suggested opening a
dialogue with his uncle whom he still loved.
"At that point, other inmates, where he had been imprisoned, had taken
their vengeance on him and broken his spirit. Gene had convinced the parol board to release him early into his care. The same
psychologist was now working with his uncle."
The more Gene told me the more admiration I had for him and the more
determination not to let my experience affect me adversely.
After Gene worked me to exhaustion, and a soak in a hot whirlpool to revive
me, he wheeled me back into my room where Charley was waiting. Charley lifted
me out of the wheelchair and deposited me in the middle of the bed with a big
kiss on my forehead. I heard Gene sigh as he left.
While I sipped another bottle of Gatorade, Charley sat on the bed holding my
hand. His ebullience from earlier had disappeared. He was quiet, pensive. It
worried me.
"Charley, what are your thinking about?"
He looked up at me and nearly smiled. There were tears in his eyes.
"Us," he said.
I waited. When I saw he wasn't going to continue I asked, "What about
us, Charley? Where do we stand with each other?"
It took him a bit to answer. "I don't know, Jake. I don't understand
why you did this."
I felt the a wave of rage crash over me. How he could asked that, if Jim had told him the truth.
"Did what, Charley? Get myself raped?" He heard the deadly anger in
my voice and looked like I'd punched him in the gut.
"God, No, Jake. I understand completely that Jim drugged you. I know
you had absolutely no control over what he did." I felt the rage ebb and
the doubts started creeping back in. Charley slid off the bed and stood at the
window looking out. "I think that what I'm trying to grasp..... is how you could just...... give up and lie down to
die." He turned back to me. "Had you no faith in my love for
you?"
I closed my eyes. I hadn't dealt with this myself, how could I explain it to
him. The backs of my eyelids felt dry and hot. I knew I hadn't tried to end my
life. I really think I am strong enough to go on living if Charley were to
expunge mefrom his life. Yet the dreams of falling
into the abyss haunted me. I didn't understand what they meant. Yet I was sure
of one thing; it was Charley that had kept me from dying.
"Charley, this is one of the things that I...,no,
we have to work out with Allen. I didn't lie down to die. I lay down to take a
nap and didn't wake up. You've got to know that it was only your love that
pulled me back from that black abyss."
He stared out the window and didn't answer.
"I want to live. I want to live and love you and be love by you. I
think that if you stopped loving me, any reason for living would just dry up
and blow away. Please don't turn away from me."
Charley turned and grasped the sides of my face and covered it with kisses.
"I could never turn away from you, Jake. If you'd died I think I may have
followed you."
"I'm sorry, Charley."
"I'm the one whose sorry, Jake. I should never
have let my job come before you. If I'd said no to them and been here to meet
you, this would never have happened. I promise nothing will ever come before
you again."
"I love you, Charley."
"And I love you, Jake. With all my heart and soul, I love you."
We clung to each other for several minutes. "So tell me about your new
job," I murmured in his ear.
He released me and sat up, grasping my hand. " Well,
it's all so serendipitous." Every once in a while Charley would surprise
me with the use of a big word. He ignored my look of surprise. "Dad took
Jason, Pete and I over to a restaurant called Gio Gio's. As we were being seated at the owners table in walks
Dave and Joe who insisted on joining us and a minute later Joe's brother came
in with his lover."
"Tim. He came to see me this morning." I injected.
Charley nodded."So in the course of
conversation I was talking to Johnny who was a police detective until he quit to join Dave's security force. Next thing I know I'm hired
and told to see Johnny's old police detective partner, Paul Hansen. So I'm
being paid this fabulous salary and my job is to get you well and on your feet
before I go to
"Dave is one fantastic guy and handsome, too," I said. "He
came to see me yesterday and again today, you know."
"And?"
"And he informed me that the hospital and all the
medical is paid for. And he also gave me this." I handed him the bank
book. He looked at it. "Open it." He did and I watched his eyebrows raise, and then his face went stoical as he laid it on the
table next to the bed. "He said it's an endowment to keep me writing."I explained.
"You accepted this?"
"He gave me no choice."
"Hmm. So what else did you two talk
about?"
"Jim. He works for Dave and Joe, too. Dave wanted to know what legal
actions I'm going to take against him."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet. I want to talk to Jim first."
"I see." He turned and kissed me on the forehead. "I gotta go. I'll see you in the morning." He stood up
and strode out the door, leaving me wondering what he was thinking and what he
was going to do. It frustrated me not to be able to get out of the bed and
follow him.
End of excerpt
-=J=-
Charley wasn't quite sure what he'd expected when he saw Jake. Somehow he had
thought that everything would be okay, But he found
that not only did Jake have issues that still needed working through, so did
he.
While talking to Jake, he'd discovered his anger at Jim was stronger and
more deeply seated that he had realized. How he had sublimated such strong
anger he didn't understand. But as he visited with Jake he felt the anger begin
to flame.
And then Jake had shown him the little bank book with the seven digit
deposit. A new door in Charley's psyche creaked open.
A door into a room filled with doubt. Self doubt. Jake had been a struggling writer
a few months ago and then over night he was an acclaimed best selling author.
Now Dave had made Jake very wealthy. Jake wouldn't need him anymore. He
wouldn't want a lowly policeman turned bodyguard as his mate. He had to get
away and think this all through.
Charley was in no mood to deal with Roger, Dave's homophobic body guard,
that evening. He called Paul and asked him to relay a message of postponement
to the bodyguard. With a promise that they would have their
dinner soon.
Charley didn't feel like seeing or dealing with anyone. He wandered across
the campus and down the street, and when he came to the quiet little Campus
Bar, he wandered in, ordered a beer and glumly contemplated what had happened
and how to deal with it.
-=J=-
Excerpt from Jake's journal
I lay there feeling useless and frustrated after Charley walked out. I rang
for a nurse. "I need to talk to Dr Chestnut."
"Is this an emergency?" she asked.
"I don't know. I haven't got a razor, so I guess not," I told her.
That put her in a panic.
"I'll see if I can get him up here right away," she said.
"It's not an emergency," I told her. "I've just a got a weird
sense of humor sometimes. Your question just set it off. If he can see me
before he goes home for the day I would appreciate it."
She gave me a stern look and agreed to relay the message to him.
I was left to myself again. I stared out the window awhile and then
remembered I had the cell phone that Charley had given me. I wondered again why
he'd left so abruptly and what he was doing. Picking up the phone I debated
calling him. Instead I called Jason, hoping he wouldn't be in class.
"You've reached me. Speak."
"Hey, little buddy, it's Jake."
"Jake. Are you okay? Where are you?"
I chuckled. "Thanks to you, I'm in the hospital."
"I had nothing to do with that. It was totally Jim."
"I know I was just yanking your chain. Why haven't you been up to see
me?"
There was long pause and a change in his tone of voice when he answered.
"I'm really pissed off at you."
"Me? What did I do?"
"Don't give me all that innocent shit. Look, I'm in the middle of the
Quad with people looking at me. Can you have visitors now?"
"Yes."
"I'll be there in ten. What room?"
"I have no idea?"
"I'll ask."
I lay there holding the dead phone wondering what Jason was angry about. I
didn't have long to wait before he came bursting through the door. He stood at
the end of the bed and glared at me. Neither of us said a word for nearly a
minute.
"You're angry at me." I said to break the silence.
"Yes, No, not really." His shoulders
slumped and he slouched into a chair and dropped his books beside it. "No,
not really." he repeated like he was arguing with himself. "I guess
I'm more disappointed."
That hurt. I could deal with him being angry with me, but
..........disappointment? I guess I had failed him, too.
"I guess it's my fault." he continued, "I had no business
putting you on a pedestal. You're only human. I just don''t
know how you of all people could just lay down to die. I mean you are a big
success as a novelist. You have a man that worships and loves you. You have
good friends. Why, Jake?"
I heaved out a big sigh. "I'm sorry, Jase.
I'm trying to work it out with Dr. Chestnut. Right now I don't have the answers.
When I think about it, it's like looking into a deep dark hole, and I don't
even have a flashlight."
"When Jim came and asked for Charley's
telephone number he told me you were here but he wouldn't tell me why. Anyway,
I dialed Charley's cell number that you had given me
and handed the phone to Jim. Charley was here that afternoon. Jim gave him my
address and telephone number. I came to the hospital with him when you were
taken out of IC, but I had to get to class.
"When you refused to see him he came back to the house and we talked a
long time. That's when he told me about Jim's confession. Do you know he quit
the
"Thank you, Jase. You're a good friend."
"You look okay, Jake. Maybe a little emaciated. When are they going to
let you out of here?
"Emaciated?"
"Skinny."
"Thanks, I know what emaciated means, Guy, skinny sounds better. I
haven't asked how long they plan on keeping me here."
"Have you talked to Charley yet?"
"Yeah. He was up here just a while ago."
"So everything is cool with you two?"
"I don't know. Probably. I'm sure we can work
it out."
"I hope so. I think you two were made for each other."
"Thanks."
There was a pause in our conversation. And then I thought maybe Jason could
help me understand Charley's reaction.
"Jason?"
"Yeah, Jake?"
"Maybe you can help me. You're in kind of the same boat that Charley
finds himself in."
"What do you mean?"
"Dave Gates came to see me earlier." I held up the little bank
book. "How did you react to Pete accepting a large amount of money from
him?"
"I was overwhelmed by the amount. But Pete only gets small bits of it
until he is older and has graduated from college."
"So how do you feel about your boyfriend who was dirt poor suddenly
having plenty of money?"
"I've had problems accepting that we were still equals. Before we were
both struggling students trying to live on a little of nothing. Actually, I was
better off then Pete, my mother left me a small
inheritance and insisted that I not work while going to school, where Pete had
to have a job. And then we had that fiasco of Arlen kissing Pete. Well, you
know all about that. Thanks for letting me use your apartment, Jake. You are a
real friend." He paused a second in thought. "The one thing that
helped convince me that Pete hadn't changed was when he opened a bank account with
both our names on it."
"Yeah, I thought about doing that as soon as I can. Charley didn't give
me a chance to tell him that before he left. But he was already preoccupied
with what I told him about Jim, so I'm not sure why he left."
"Damn, Jake, that's tough."
"He's also upset about the same thing you are. I don't know the answer.
I just felt like the only way I could deal with what happened was to go to take
a nap. I wasn't aware of not waking up. It was just like my mind and body shut
down."
"I'm sure Dr. Chestnut will help you figure it all out."
We talked a bit more and then he left for another class. I wasn't sure that
he'd gotten rid of his disappointment in me.
-=J=-
I must have drifted off to sleep. I awoke with Allen squeezing my arm and
calling my name. I said, "Hi," and raised the bed so I could sit.
"You wanted to see me, Jake?"
"Can you give me the time now to talk, Allen?"
"If you feel the need to do it now, sure."
"Thanks, Doc."
"Just let me call home." He took out his cell and dialed. I listen
to him talk to his partner, Greg. I smiled when he ended with "I love you,
Babe." He caught my smile and grinned. "He's the best," he said.
"Now let's get to what's bugging you."
I studied him a moment. Actually, my mind was not on what I was seeing, but
on what I was feeling.
"Allen, I'm not the type of person to just lay
down and give up. I'm stronger than that. So why did I do it?"
Allen studied me. "Let's go back to when you woke up the morning after.
Start from the beginning and tell me everything you did and how you felt."
I closed my eyes and started talking. Allen kept asking at every turn how I
felt at that moment. I went from feeling groggy and lethargic when I woke up,
to disgust to when I realized that I was covered in dried cum with a used
condom stuck to my chest, to raging anger when I remembered the night before.
"Let's stop here a moment, Jake, and analyze why you were so
angry."
"I'd just been raped, Doc." I couldn't keep the pedantic tone out
of my voice.
"On previous occasions you'd let Jim tie you to the bed and do the same
thing he did that night. Other than using a drug to subdue you what was
different?"
"He did it despite my protests."
"Any other thing you can think of that was different?"
I reviewed the entire event and shook my head. "No....yes. Jim had
always taken me from the rear. He didn't like the intimacy of doing it face to
face. I think he also felt that it was a way to humiliate me."
"Why do you think that?"
"Jim was never very talkative during sex. That night he continually called
me demeaning names, telling me that my ass was his. I told him that my ass now
belonged to Charley. He said to hell with Charley, no one could give me what I
need like he could."
"How did you feel about that? Can Charley fill your need as well as Jim
did?"
The rage was back. "How the fuck should I know. Charley wouldn't fuck
me." I yelled at him. He sat there stoic as ever. "Besides aren't you
getting a little too personal?"
"Jake, this whole thing is personal. I am not trying to violate your
privacy. But, you've got to face these things if you're going to get past
them."
"Sorry, Doc. I know that. It's just so damned
frustrating."
"Have you discussed this with Charley?"
"No."
Allen waited for me to say more.
"Alright. You already know. I have this need,
this craving to get a cock up my ass, to get my prostate massaged."
"And what is wrong with that?"
"It's not masculine."
"Are you saying it makes you feel less of a man?"
"Yes."
"We all get pleasure from getting our prostates massaged with a big
dick. It gives our partners pleasure to do it. Did you fuck Jim? Did he enjoy
it?"
"Yes, not as often as he did me. Yes, he could get off without touching
his cock when I fucked him."
"Could you do that?"
"Nearly every time."
"So what is there about it that makes you feel less of a man?"
"I guess the surrender."
"It takes trust to surrender your masculinity to another man. You
trusted Jim."
"And he violated that trust." I growled.
Allen raised his eyebrows and waited to hear more.
"I told him I was with Charley now and he went ahead and fucked
me."
Allen didn't respond.
"I enjoyed it. I gave in to the feelings and really got off on it. I
came without him touching my cock. He was right. All those names he called me
were right on. I am a cock slut."
I don't think I had shed a tear up until then. Tears were flowing freely
down my face. Tears of utter shame. Allen eventually
broke the silence that had fallen with my last claim.
"How many cocks have you had in your life time, Jake?"
"Only Jim's. Charley hasn't let me have
his." I fucking sobbed like a little girl.
"One cock and you are a slut? I don't think so. Even
two or three, no way. Four or more, maybe.
You've got a long ways to go to being a slut, Jake."
I jabbed the tears out of my eyes and looked at him.
"You are not a slut by any standard," he said. "You want to
know something, Jake? I have been around a lot of Gay men. Being gay myself and
curious about Gay sexual practices, I have experienced about all there is in
male sexuality. You are an anomaly. Most gay men go through a period of
whoring, experimenting with many partners before settling down with just one.
Even I went through doing that. I've never before met a fellow that had had
only two partners. There is nothing feminine about you. In Gay lingo there are
guys that are bottoms only, they like to get fucked and don't want to fuck.
There are tops that like to fuck, but won't allow another man to fuck them. And
then there's guys like you and me, who like it both
ways. Some bottoms are the most macho men you'll ever meet and some tops
are...... rather effeminate .
"Personally, I think that we, you and I, that are the ones that are
well rounded. And once you get over your little hangup
of it being feminine to let another man enter you, you will be okay."
We studied each other, Allen seeking my understanding of what he was saying
and me looking to see if he was telling the truth. I mean, I know he was, I'd
heard and read all that before, but I guess it was just beginning to seep in to
my reality.
"How long have you known Charley?" he asked.
"A little over four months."
"And he'd been leading a straight life until then?"
"Yeah."'
"So having anal sex with another man was probably a new concept to him.
Have you discussed anal sex with him?"
"A little," I replied. And then went on to tell him of our phone
conversations.
"So you've not really had a chance to experience it with each other,
huh?"
"No, Doc, we haven't."
"Well, I think you'll be out of here in a couple of days. And then you
two will have the time. And a lot of your problems will probably vanish when
you do."
"You're probably right, Doc."
"Jake, I need to be getting home. My man is holding dinner for me. So
I'll see you in the morning at eleven. Okay?"
"Sure, thanks for your time, Allen. Enjoy."
He left and I lay thinking over what we had discussed. I felt better, even
though the subject had veered from what I had wanted to talk about. I let my
imagination roam free, imagining Charley with his legs in the air, offering me
his ass. I definitely didn't see anything feminine about Charley. He was
totally man. I then imagined myself doing the same, lifting my legs to allow
Charley access to my ass. It didn't make feel unmanly. I compared the image to
how I felt when I let Jim fuck me. Ah! There lay the problem. I'd never
realized how Jim's attitude affected me. The way we copulated did make me feel
emasculated. With that realization I felt so much better about myself.
I went back to daydreaming about Charley and me. It actually made me horny.
I wondered if I could jack off without someone interrupting me. I decided not
to chance it, but I did feel good about eventually getting Charley back into
bed.
The evening passed without any word from him and I had no other visitors. I
had no intention of having a sleepless night wondering what was going on with
Charley. I asked for another sleeping pill.
End of Excerpt.
-=J=-
Charley was well into his fourth beer when an older man sat down next to him
and ordered a neat scotch. He could feel the man watching him as he sipped his
drink, and ignored him for a while, but his presence kept pushing on Charley's awareness. Finally, he glared at the man.
"What?" he growled.
The man smiled. "The way I see it ,you can sit
there and drink until you fall off the stool and then wake up tomorrow and
still have the same trouble that brought you in here. Or you can talk it out
and maybe find a solution."
"Why would you be interested in my problems? You don't know me."
Charley snarled.
"No, but you look like your just lost you best friend. I would like to
offer my friendship."
"Why? Are you trying to put the make on me?"
"You're a very handsome, virile young man. But I'm not interested in
your body. I have a life partner that I dearly love and I have no need of
looking for sex anywhere else."
"So why aren't you at home with him?" Charley asked.
"He's in
"What the fuck are you talking about? You can't just go around
collecting people like butterflies."
The man laughed. "No, not like butterflies. I
get a kick out of helping others like yourself. Befriending them. Helping them to see a
solution to their problems."
"You're weird." Charley stated.
"Maybe I am. I'm Jerry Wilson, by the way." He offered his hand to
Charley. Charley looked at the hand and then up into the man's sincere eyes. He
took his hand.
"Charley Hill." Alcohol never really
solves any problem, but it lowered Charley inhibitions enough that when this
stranger, named Jerry Wilson sat down next to him and offered him his ear,
Charley told him all of his problems. They nursed their drinks and talked into
the wee hours of the morning. Charley ended up telling Jerry the whole story,
from the moment he first saw Jake until earlier when he'd walked out of Jake's
hospital room. Jerry made no comments about anything Charley told him. He only
asked questions, probing questions, questions that directed Charley's
thought into productive channels. When the bar closed Jerry gave him his
business a card in case he wanted to talk some more and then suggested that
Charley go home and get some sleep.
He headed for Pete and Jason's. But when he got there he couldn't go in. He
spurned the thought of that bed without Jake in it with him. He sat on the
porch, wrapped in his warm overcoat and thought. When the sky began to lighten
he stood, stretched and walked around the university grounds and watched the
sunrise, and then went to the Campus Coffee Shop and drank coffee until he
figured Jake'd had his breakfast. He then headed up
to see him.
-=J=-
Excerpt from Jake's journal
I was again awake before dawn. I needed to relieve my bladder. The jug was
sitting within reach on the cabinet beside my bed. I decided to try walking to
the bathroom instead. I found it easy enough to sit up and slide my feet off
the side of the bed, so I slid on down to the floor. I felt a little wobbly,
but not like I was going to collapse, so I headed toward the bathroom counting
my steps as I went. It was fourteen steps to the bathroom door. I collapsed
into a chair beside the door and rested until the quivering left my muscles and
then counted eight more to the bowl. I sat down to pee.
After flushing I rested for several minutes more until I felt I could at
least get back to the chair. That wasn't too bad. I looked at the bed and felt
that it was so far away. I mentally cajoled myself. It was only fourteen steps.
I got to the end of the bed and fell forward onto it with my legs dangling off
of it. Laying there exhausted I wondered how I was going to get the rest of the
way. I didn't have the energy to crawl up on to it. 'Maybe I'll just lie here
until someone comes in and helps me,' I thought.
After lying face down like that for several minutes I decided to make a
supreme effort to get up and move around to the side where I could maybe lay
back onto the bed and then move my legs up.
I succeeded in getting there and figured that if I collapsed backwards on to
the bed then it would only be a matter of swinging my legs up and rolling into
place. It didn't work; the bed was too high. I lay backwards and slid into a
heap on the floor. Feeling like a fool, I lay there and fumed for several
minutes while considering my options.
I crawled to the chair at the head of the bed and used it to get back to my
feet. I looked at the bed and wondered why it was so damned high off the floor.
I am tall, yet my butt did not reach the edge of the bed. I decided that I
would sit down in the chair and ring for help.
When a nurse came in, before she could start reprimanding me for being out
of bed, I asked why the bed was so high. She actually blushed. "I apologize,
Sir. Someone should have lowered it once you were up and around. It is easier
to care for a patient when the bed is high." She took the control I had
used to raise the head of the bed for sitting and lowered the whole thing.
I stood and sat on the edge of the bed, but before I could attempt bringing
my feet up and turn to lay lengthwise, she was right there doing it all for me.
After getting my pillow fluffed and the covers pulled up and smoothed she
smiled and said, "Next time ring for help. I wouldn't mind having my game
of Solitaire interrupted. Is there anything else I could do for you?"
"Would it be out of line to request a cup of coffee?" I asked.
"Not at all." She smiled at me. "I
just made a fresh pot about twenty minutes ago. Let me get you a cup."
I sipped a cup of steaming coffee and watched the clouds turn pink, satisfied
that I had accomplished something this morning and that left me feeling
optimistic.
-=J=-
The breakfast tray had just been taken away when Charley appeared still
wearing the same clothes he had on yesterday. He looked like he hadn't slept at
all last night and maybe had a little too much to drink. He stood in the
doorway and just looked at me. I couldn't figure his expression,
he looked like his mother had just died. I remembered he said he was having
dinner with Dave's bodyguard. My heart sunk.
Charley's mouth worked several times before he got
out, "I'm sorry, Jake." He turned and started out the door.
Something snapped in me. All this time I've been feeling guilty over
something I'd had no control over. And he comes in, says he's sorry and turns
away. No way. I bellowed, "Charley get back in here. Now."
"He turned and looked at me. The surprise on his face egged me on.
"Get your ass over here and sit down." He hesitated. "Do
it." He meekly moved to the chair and sat, wide-eyed. It must have been
his Marine training to obey orders.
I started talking. "Everybody's been making me feel guilty that I was
pushing you away. I'm having difficultly believing you would want me after what
happened. I really figured that I had lost you because of Jim." I studied
him a moment. He stared at his hands in his lap and didn't reply. "I'm
still not sure that I haven't," I said. He looked up at with a pained
expression, but still didn't say anything. "So how was your dinner with
whatever his name is?" I asked.
"I cancelled the date. I didn't have dinner with him." He must
have noticed the relief in my expression. "You're not thinking I did
anything with him, are you?" I know I looked guilty. "Jake I would
never do anything like that."
"Yesterday, one minute you were telling me you loved me and then the
next you left without any explanation, and then come back in here this morning
and mutter that you're sorry. Which am I to believe, your words or your
actions? What do you mean by sticking your head through the door looking like
you'd done something wrong, telling me you're sorry and then trying to
leave?" I had worked myself into a righteous anger. "Dammit, if you want to end it with me, be man enough to say
it's over, and let me get on with having to deal with it." I shouted at
him. He winced.
He had leaned forward with his hands covering his face. I knew he was going
to say that we were finished. I felt a hate so strong toward Jim at that moment
I could have killed him with my bare hands. I dreaded hearing the words that
would end this....this wonderful thing that I'd found with Charley.
Charley straightened up and looked me in the eyes. "I need your
forgiveness, Jake. I really messed up yesterday." He paused and looked
down for a bit and then back up at me. I guess saying that I was confused would
be an understatement. He'd said that he didn't do anything with that guard and
now he was asking my forgiveness.
"When you showed me that bank book,"Charley
continued, "I felt like there was no need for me in your life. You could
have anything or anyone money could buy. I left here feeling useless and
unneeded," he said.
I started to object. He held up his hands. "No, let me finish. I went
into a bar last night with the sole purpose of getting drunk. I ended up
talking to a man until the bar closed. He listened to my story and asked
questions that made me think. When the bar closed I headed back to Pete and
Jason's, but the thought of that big bed without you in it with me kept me from
going inside. I sat on the porch until sunrise and then wandered until I found
an all night coffee shop and waited for visiting hours to come see you."
I took my time smoothing the sheet and lightweight blanket over my legs.
"So this total stranger knows everything. He knows just how you feel about
it all, how you feel about me." I looked up at him. He nodded and found
something on the edge of my bed to hold his interest. "Okay," I
sighed. "I guess that's something I'll have to live with. I guess I'm not
worth the effort it would take to tell it all to me."
"Oh, stop it." He barked at me. Jumping up and striding across the
room, he turned and looked back at me. He measured his words. "You know I
love you more than life itself. But thanks to Dave Gates you don't need me any
more. You can have anyone you want with all that money."
"I don't need you any more? How did you come to that conclusion.
And how do I know you love me? You're ready to abandon me because of a sum of
money?"
He rushed across the room and fell to his knees next to my bed. Both of his
hands held my arm in supplication. "No, Jake, I would never do that. Don't
doubt me. I quit the police force in
I pulled on his arm. "Get up here where we can talk." He sat on
the edge of the bed and looked at me. "If, as you said,
I have enough money to have any one. What makes you think I'd want
anyone, but you? Are you for sale? Can I, with all this money, buy you?"
He studied me for a moment. "Are you trying to insult me, Jake. You know I'm not for sale."
"So....it's not true then. With all this money I can't have anyone one
I want."
He had figured out what I was doing and grinned at me. "You can have me
for free, Jake."
I frowned at him. "You didn't let me make my point, Charley."
"And your point is?" he asked as if he didn't know.
"That your love is priceless, beyond value. And you are all mine."
"I love you, Jake."
"Then give me a hug. We still have everything going for us." He
kissed me on the tip of my nose and wrapped his arms around me. I chuckled.
"Charley, I may be weak right now, but I'm not fragile. Hug me like you
mean it." He tightened his hold and I quit breathing. "That's more
like it," I wheezed. He laughed and planted a big juicy kiss on my mouth.
I kissed him back and dueled with his tongue until someone at the door cleared
their throat. We both looked to see who had interrupted us.
Gene stood there blushing. "Sorry guys, I did knock."
"Can't you come back some other time?" Charley asked. scowling over his shoulder at him.
Gene grinned at him. "Nope. We've got to get
this man strong enough to get out of here." He grinned and added, "It
doesn't look like soon will be soon enough."
Charley stood and moved away from the bed. "Can I stay? Maybe I can
help." he asked.
"Sure you may watch. But there's nothing you can do to help."
Charley grimaced at having his grammar corrected. "Jake has got to do it
all on his own." Gene walked up to the bedside and extended a hand.
"Come on big fellow. Let's make those muscles work."
"Why so chipper today, Gene?" I asked. I ignored his offered hand
and sat up, then swung around and stood.
"Hey, you're doing good," he said,
handing me a robe. "Ed smiled. I mean he really looked happy this
morning."
"Ed?" I asked moving to sit in the wheel chair.
"Oh, I guess I never mentioned his name. My uncle.
Ed."
"Ah, so what did he smile about?"
Gene leaned down and whispered, "He woke up with a woody."
Charley cleared his throat. "If you two are going to be telling secrets
I should clear out."
"No, please stay. I apologize. My name is Gene, by the way." He
offered his hand to Charley.
"Charley Hill." He accepted Gene's hand
and they shook.
"My fault, I should have introduced you." I said.
"You're the police officer that all the nurses are swooning over,
huh?"
Charley blushed. "I'm not a cop any more."
"He's a private cop now," I said. Gene looked properly impressed.
"Well, lets get down to the PT room," he said, taking the handles
on the back of the wheelchair
"Let me see how far I get before I poop out," I said, and rolled
myself out of the room ahead of them.
I listened to Gene filling Charley in on why his uncle had smiled this
morning. I thought to myself that he had a lot of courage to be able to tell
others about his experience. When I began to tire, Gene started pushing.
Once we got into my routine Charley got into helping by heckling and
cajoling me to do more. I just grinned and tried a little harder. By the time I
was finished I felt like I was....finished. I didn't think I would be able to
move another muscle, but after the whirlpool I didn't feel so bad, especially
with Charley making lewd and lascivious remarks while I was naked. Gene just
grinned and watched. It was so good having him there acting like nothing had
happened.
As I had that thought, the world crashed around me. I felt a sudden change
in my perception, like it was all a charade, that
Charley didn't really mean what he had been saying, that I'd wake up any moment
and find him running from me in disgust.
"Why are you talking like that?" I snapped at him. "You know
you don't mean it. I'm just a worthless good for nothing piece of crap. I know
you're just going to leave me once I get out of this place."
Charley looked like I had physically hit him. I started weeping, which made
me angry. I just don't cry, yet that's all I've done, it seemed, since I've
been in the hospital. Gene started talking to me, reassuring me that Charley
had no intention of leaving me, that it was just the emotional trauma coming
out.
Charley might have left if Gene hadn't been there to explain to him what was
going on in my head. As it was, he cuddled me once I was back in bed and he
kept telling me things were going to be okay and that he loved me. After a
while the shroud began to lift and I remembered all the progressive decisions
I'd made.
End of excerpt
-=J=-
The Paolini patriarch sat on a bench under a tree in
the park near his home enjoying the morning sun's warmth. He studied his
companion, who paid no attention as he sat next to him. The man sat with his
head down, his forearms on his knees, staring at the ground in front of him.
"I don't know what the problem is, Jim, but you've got to snap out of
it. You're not eating. You've lost weight. You look like you lost your best
friend. Where is the smart-ass that was always talking back? I miss him. For
all the company you can be, I'm feeling mighty lonesome sitting on this park
bench with you."
"I'm sorry, Joe. I've got a lot on my mind."
"So talk to me."
Jim stared at the ground in front of his feet so long that old Joe started
wondering if he'd heard him. He reached out his aged hand and rubbed Jim's
back. "I'm listening, Jim."
Jim looked up at him. The sadness in his eyes tugged at the old man's heart.
"Joe, I've really enjoyed working for you. I like you. But I'm going to
have to resign before I become an embarrassment to you and your family."
Old Joe looked at him and frowned. "And what have you done that would
be embarrassing to me or my family?"
Jim stared at the ground for a moment and then turned his head to look up at
Joe without moving his body. "We've never discussed it, but you know that
I am gay."
"Yes, I know that."
"I did a very stupid wrong thing. I'm going lose my nurse's license.
And I could end up in jail."
"What the fuck did you do, boy?" Old Joe asked.
Jim looked up at him. "I drugged and raped a friend." He quickly
turned his head to stare back to the ground.
Old Joe was silent a long time as he studied the young man sitting next to
him.
"Why aren't you in jail?"
"Jake hasn't pressed charges."
"So why are about to you lose you license?"
"He had a bad reaction to the drug and nearly died."
"While you were fucking him?"
Jim looked up in shock at the old man's bluntness. "No." he shook
his head. "It was days later."
"I don't understand how you can have a reaction days
after taking a drug."
Jim went into explaining the whole sordid incident. The old man chuckled about
the rubber band around his testicles and told Jim he'd like to meet the man
that did it. When he got through the part about finding Jake and getting him
hospitalized, he explained what Charley had told him about Jake's promise.
"Sounds to me like this Jake may have had a broken heart." Old Joe
commented. "People do die from that you know. They just give up the will
to live."
Jim audibly gulped and shook his head. "That would be worse than him
nearly dying from a drug reaction. Oh god, that I could take it all back."
He shuddered. "I don't know what I was thinking."
Old Joe patted him on the back and chuckled. "That's the thing Jim. You
weren't. But, it's pretty obvious that you are remorseful about it. Have you
talked to Jake since?"
Jim shook his head.
"Well, it might do you both a lot of good if you did talk to each other
about it."
Jim nodded, still staring at the ground. "I told Charley, his new lover
how sorry I am."
"That's not the same as telling Jake himself."
Jim nodded again not lifting his eyes from the ground. The old man stared
off into space. Minutes passed. Finally Jim sighed. "So I guess I should
quit before the family learns about it and fires me."
"What kind of work would you do, now that you've lost your nurse's
license?"
"Jim shrugged. "If nothing else, I could
always dig ditches or wash dishes."
"You've been a good companion. I'll miss you if you quit." He
paused in thought. "Damn, that means I'll probably end up with another
crotchety bossy ol' maid."
Jim grinned and looked at the old man. "I've enjoyed working for you.
You've never really treated me like a servant."
"Never thought of you as one."
Their eyes met momentarily and then they were again lost in their own
thoughts.
End of part 8