Excerpt
from Jake's journal
After Dr. Chestnut left, I lay on my side as he had left me and stared at the blank wall. I entertained myself by playing games with his last name and then decided he didn't deserve such. An orderly came in with a glass of apple juice. He held the straw to my lips. It was cold and sweet. I drank it all.
My thoughts were interrupted by two nurses and an orderly coming in and preparing to move me out of intensive care. One of them removed the sticky thing on my chest that went to the heart monitor and then wiped the goo off me that held it on. The other remove the glucose bag from the permanent stand and attached it to a small one with wheels. And then she did the same with the urine bag. I noticed it was still empty. I was wishing they would remove the catheter so the feeling of needing to constantly pee would go away, but she didn't. The orderly then pushed my bed out the door and down the hall to an elevator. One of the nurses had kept up a running monolog letting me know just what was happening.
We went up several floors and I was placed in a room by myself ,the bed next to a window where I could look out. I could see the mountains in the distance and wished I was on my ol' Indian out in the fresh country air.
A few minutes later after they had gotten every thing in order and left, another orderly came in bringing a big bouquet of blue Japanese Iris. Who knew that was my favorite flower? Only my mother, but she's been gone for nearly four years. Who else could it be? The orderly handed me the card that was attached to the vase. I asked him to roll me onto my side so I could look out the window. He replaced the pillow against my back like Dr. Chestnut had done. I waited until he left to open open the note.
Jake, my love,
If it takes you forever to realize that you are deserving of my love, that's how long I will wait for you.
Jim and I had a long serious talk. Your reaction was a normal human response. One that you couldn't have refused having, even if it were possible.
You and I need to talk to each other.
I love you,
Charley
I closed the card and just held it. I'd heard women make comments about men not being able to communicate their feeling to others. I was beginning to see what they meant. If I could have told Charley what I'd admitted to Allen earlier, I wouldn't be laying in this hospital bed. I wondered if Charley would be calling me. I wondered what I'd say to him if he did. I wondered if he was expecting me to call him. I couldn't. I wondered where he'd learned that I like Blue Iris.
The day was coming to an end. I was beyond exhausted. I still had a pillow tucked up against me and I couldn't roll on to my back. I found the button next to my head. A couple of minutes after I pressed it a nurse came in, and I complained about the pillow. After getting me comfortable and insisting I drink some water, she smiled and asked if there was anything else. I was grouchy. I wanted to be left alone.
"Is it possible to keep everybody out of this room until tomorrow morning?" I asked.
"Sure, except for hospital personnel."
"Please, I can't take any visitors tonight. Is it possible to get a sleeping pill?"
"I think I could manage that right after dinner."
"How long is that?"
"We serve dinner at six. It's
"Thank you," I said and closed my eyes.
-=J=-
I finally got my pill which she identified as Ambien and told me I would feel fine in the morning. While waiting for it to knock me out, I thought about Charley. He had met and talked to Jim. Now he wants to talk to me. I couldn't imagine Jim saying anything good about me except that I might be a damned easy fuck. I wasn't all that sure that Charley was really interested in finding that out for himself. They'd both talked to Allen about me. I dozed into a drug induced sleep.
I dreamed they'd ganged up on me. Allen was playing referee as the two of them competed to see who would fuck me first. It was a tie so they started advancing on me together. I woke up in a cold sweat, surprised that I wasn't paralyzed again. I turned on the bed light. The pill hadn't been very effective; it was one-thirty and I was wide awake.
I picked up the card that had accompanied the Iris and reread it. The dream faded away. I wished that Charley was here. I sighed and resigned myself to the fact that he wasn't and might never be again.
I stared at the darkness outside and tried to keep from thinking. I must have dozed off for the sky was brightening with pink clouds when I opened my eyes. I sighed and wondered what this new day would bring. I turned on the light above my bed and moved the bed so I was sitting up. Exhausted I lay back and waited for the morning visit from the nurse.
-=J=-
There was a light tapping on my door. It couldn't have been even
"Jake?"
"Yes, I'm Jake. Come in."
"Hi, I'm Tim Corbin. I am on my way to class and since I'm about half an hour early I wanted to come see you and welcome you into the family."
"It's nice to meet you, Tim. Sit down and tell me what in hell you're talking about? How do I merited a visitor before breakfast?" I was obviously still feeling out of sorts.
He grinned. "Being family has its privileges." And then as he sat down he lost the smile. "Oh, maybe I'm jumping the gun. Your partner, Charley, hasn't been up to see you?"
"No, I haven't seen him."
"No one else?"
"Nope."
He stood up. "I guess I'd better come back another time."
"Sit down and tell me why you are here." I commanded. "Charley won't be coming to see me for a while. And probably no one else."
Tim sat down. He looked nervous.
"Charley should be telling you this."
"Telling me what, Tim?"
"Well, he's accepted the position of personal body guard to my brother-in-law. Johnny, my partner, is the personal guard for his brother. So he and Charley will be working together a lot."
I blinked wondering what he had just said. I knew of Tim Corbin and Johnny Paolini's relationship through Pete and Jason. "Okay, let's see if I got that straight." I said to him. "Charley is now working for your brother-in-law as a personal bodyguard. And your partner, Johnny, is the guard for his own brother.... who is your brother-in-law. So they are both protecting your brother-in-law, Johnny's brother. Correct?" I knew it wasn't, but I hadn't even had any coffee.
"No. Johnny protects Joe, his brother. And Charley going to be protecting Dave."
"So who is Dave and how does he fit into the picture?" I'm cantankerous with no coffee and having a visitor before breakfast just made me more so. I damned well knew that Dave was the owner of my favorite bookstore and his new lover, Joe Paolini was the internationally known architect. Pete had told me all that when Jim was taking care of him after he got his arm broken when he pushed Dave out of the path of a speeding car.
Tim had turned red in frustration. "I'm sorry I've got you all muddled. Dave, that's Dave Gates, and Joe Paolini are partners."
" What do you mean by partners?" I asked, intentionally obtuse.
Tim closed his eyes before answering. "They are lovers. And Charley has been hired to guard Dave. And Johnny guards Joe."
"I see." So Johnny and his brother Joe are gay, as are you?" He nodded. "So where do I come into this picture?"
"As Charley's partner you are now part of the Gates-Paolini family."
"Who said I'm Charley's partner."
"You're Jake Shipman?"
"Yes. I am Jake Shipman."
"I'm confused."
"Yes, you are."
"Look, I'm just going to leave. I hope that what ever is wrong...... I mean, I hope you get well soon."
"Tim." Feeling ashamed of myself for playing with him like that I felt I should say something.
"Yes?"
"It was nice meeting you. Thanks."
"Your welcome." He left and then a second later he stuck his head back in the room. "Jake?"
"Hey, Tim."
"Charley and you, are you going to become partners? Charley seemed so certain you already are."
"Time will tell, Tim."
"I hope it works out for you," he said. I thought, 'Me, too.' as he disappeared again.
-==-
I chuckled to myself for a bit after Tim left. He was just a big overgrown kid, an innocent. I must be feeling better to get that much fun out of playing word games like that. I wished that Jason would come up soon to visit. I thought about how we had become close friends. He and Pete would get a bang out of this. It was through them that I knew who Dave, Joe, Johnny and Tim were. And here Charley was part of their family now, and they were trying to pull me in, too. Suddenly I was feeling better about life.
As I lay there staring out the window, it dawned on me that I was in a private room. That was why Tim had been able to just pop in. Was this standard for rape victims? Who had authorized it? I wondered if my insurance was going to pay for it? The thought of having to put out thousands of dollars for this treatment got to me. I grabbed the call button. The nurse hadn't even gotten into the room before I barraged her with questions.
"I don't have any answers, sir. I will request that someone from down stairs come up and talk to you."
"Please do that."
"Is there anything else you need?"
"Is it possible to get a cup of coffee?"
"Of course, sir. An orderly will bring you some right away. Anything you want at anytime, just ask ."
I got my coffee, it was good. It must have been from the nurses' private pot. I eventually got some breakfast. Solid food this time. A bowl of Cream of Wheat and dry toast. I discovered I was hungry. Besides more coffee, I drank two glasses of orange juice and a glass of milk.
A little later a nurse came in and informed me she was going to remove the catheter. I suppose I should have been embarrassed with her handling my privates, but I was too happy to be rid of the damned thing to care. Even the pain involved didn't bother me, I just wanted it gone.
Half an hour later I was definitely feeling a full bladder. the damned urinal was out of my reach. I had to ring for help. The orderly offered to hold the pee jug for me. I chuckled at his embarrassment and assured him I could handle it. I still only had the use of one hand; my other arm was still hooked up to an IV, but it was no big deal to maneuver the lip into place. It felt good to do it again. I got an image of laying in my piss soaked clothes, too weak to do anything about it and simply not caring . Emotions assailed me, anger ,shame, depression. I placed the jug on the table and pushed it away from me. Letting the bed down I rolled on my side and stared out at the cloudless sky.
The doctor came in, check me over, asked questions about my liquid intake and if I'd had to urinate yet. I motioned toward the jug still on the table he looked at the amount, took it into the bathroom poured it into the toilet rinsed the pot and returned it to the table.
"Well Jake, your making a good physical recovery. Keep drinking lots of liquids with electrolytes." He went about removing the IV from my arm and untaping it from the board. "We don't usually use the board and needle in your inner elbow any more, but you were so dehydrated we had difficulty finding the veins in the back of your hand or your forearm. How are you feeling today?"
I shrugged. "I want to live. I've got a couple more books I want to write before I call it quits."
"That's good to hear. We'll start getting you out of bed and on your feet today. Keep drinking lots of liquids. Dr. Chestnut will be in to see you later.
I nodded and he left.
-=J=-
Fifteen minutes later, a young fellow dressed in whites came in pushing a wheel chair. "Hi, I'm Gene. I'm your physical therapist." He took my chart and read it. He looked up at me with what I took as pity and it pissed me off.
"I don't need your pity. Alright?" I growled.
He looked contrite. "I don't pity you, Mr. Shipman. I do sympathize with what you've been through and what you will yet have to deal with."
"I don't need any sympathy from you, either."
He looked me straight in the eyes. "I was raped, too. By my uncle. I loved him. He was like a father to me. I know what your going through."
"I'm sorry," Immediately contrite. "That had to have been much worse."
He nodded with a small smile. "So you've not been on your feet for a while, huh? Can you sit up?" he asked holding out his arm to assist me. I was surprised, with a little effort and some help from him, I sat up. "Okay, now let's swing your legs around and off the bed."
I had my hand on the edge of the stupid gown I was wearing, and as he swung me around it exposed me from the chest down. Gene blushed as he checked me out. I couldn't help but chuckle. "I can see why the perpetrator wanted you," he said grinning up at me.
"Perpetrator? Perpetrator?" I was indignant. I snatched the flimsy gown around myself. "He's a damned rapist and you are incorrigible."
Gene grinned at me again. "If you can admit that, Jake, you're way along towards healing. Let me go get you some pajamas." He ducked out of the room before I could reply, leaving me sitting on the edge of the bed. I propped my wobbly arms behind me, leaned back, closed my eyes and sighed.
He was back before I could get my thoughts pulled together. Kneeling in front of me, he stuck my feet into the legs of the pajama bottoms and pulled them up to my thighs, tucking the back edge of them under my legs to hold them up. "I was going to stand you up, Jake, but I don't think your ready for that. Let's lay you back down and we'll do some resistance exercises and then this afternoon we'll get you up on your feet."
With a lot of effort on his part, since I had very little strength, he got me back into the bed. The pajamas fell down around my calves, but this time the gown was primly wrapped around me. "It's amazing what dehydration does to a body," he was saying, "but you were in really good shape to begin with so it shouldn't be too much work to get you back to where your were." He worked my pajama bottoms up over my hips under the gown. I felt like a slug for not being able to get my butt off the bed.
After getting me into pajamas, he put me through a mass of exercises, making me resist the pressure that he applied against the movement. After he had worked all the muscles in both my legs and arms, he made me work my neck and then had me doing abdominal crunches. I felt like I was barely getting my head off the bed. I was exhausted and breathing hard when he finished. He then had me roll over and do leg lifts and back arches. I was soaking wet. I felt like I was laying in a puddle of sweat. He removed my pajamas and gave me a sponge bath. I got a hardon. He grinned, and tried to ignore it until he was finished bathing me and had me back in fresh pajamas, laying between fresh sheets. He insisted I drink a bottle of Gatoraide. I would have thought that he would have called an orderly in to bathe me instead of doing it himself. Maybe he just wanted to see the rest of my body. Horny little fucker. I liked him.
After bundling up the used towels, sheets and pajamas, he took my hand, looking down at me, he told me, "Jake, I think you're going to be okay real soon. I couldn't get an erection for over a year after I was raped. It took a lot of therapy."
"How old were you, Gene?"
He took a comb out of his pocket and ran it through my hair. "Sixteen. You need a haircut."
"It must have been traumatic. A kid is at his horniest at that age. I suppose your uncle went to prison?"
"Yeah, that was worse for him than what he did to me. They broke his spirit."
"Where is he now?"
"He lives with me. We'll talk more next time. I have another patient waiting. I'll get an orderly to come in and give you a shave." He patted my hand and made a quick exit.
It wasn't five minutes before an orderly came in with a basin of warm water and shaving gear. It was a modern razor, thank God, not one of those lethal looking straight razors. I let him do it while I mulled over what I'd learned about Gene. Compared to him I figured I was really being a wimp.
I recalled a professor in a college psych coarse talking about being a victim. He'd said that many times it is a choice we make. The way I was reacting, I was being a victim, feeling sorry for myself, shunning Charley and not giving him a chance to accept what had happened. God, I had nearly killed myself playing the victim role. How sad is that?
With the shave finished and left to myself, I lay back and thought more
about how I was going to let this affect me. I had had sex with Jim again after
telling Charley I wouldn't. Even though it was involuntary, I'd enjoyed it. No
one had to know that except Allen. I had a choice; I could accept it and deal
with
it or I could feel guilty about it and let it ruin my life. My
choice to make.
As for Charley? Well, he had to be given the choice of accepting or refusing what happened. I knew that if he refused me I would be devastated, but I'd live. But if he accepted me after what had happened then I would be the happiest man alive.
I'd barely thought this through before I had another visitor. I had seem him in the bookstore for years and never had a chance to meet him. That was back when he was simply the owner of the store, and now he was one of the wealthiest men in the world. He hadn't change at all. He still wore a plaid flannel shirt, Levi 501s,and cowboy boots. He'd aged a little since I'd last seen him, but he was still one handsome man.
"Mr. Gates," I said, when he knocked and stuck his head through the open door. "Come in."
"Hi, Jake, so you know who I am."
"Of course, your bookstore has been my favorite haunt for the last six years." I said.
He smiled at my comment and said,"Congratulations, by the way, on the success of your new book. I see it's up to number two in the top ten best sellers list."
"It is? Thank you for telling me, sir."
"What's this Mr. Gates and sir bit? My name is Dave."
I grinned and nodded. "So what brings you to a lowly author's bedside, Dave?" I asked."
"Well, a couple of things. First, would you sign my book?" he asked holding out a copy of my novel.
Laughing, I held out my hand for the book. "The Mr. Dave Gates came up just to get a novel signed?"
He gave me a lopsided grin and shrugged. "So I'm an opportunist."
"So what else can I do for you, Dave?"
"I've got some questions, but first, let me tell you I know what happened to you and why you are here. So, please don't feel the need to dissemble. Second. Jim Provost is our employee. He was taking care of Pete when you two were together, I believe." I nodded. "And now he's working as Joe's grandfather's companion. I wanted to talk to you personally before we dismiss him. You are pressing charges?" he asked. Actually, it was an assuming statement.
"Charges? I hadn't thought about that. I guess I need to talk to him before I make up my mind."
"Your kidding."
"Well, we were lo....buddies for a good while."
"But you're with Charley Hill now."
I wanted to scream. Why was everybody saying that? I'm not worthy of even kissing the ground under Charley's feet. I closed my eyes and stared at the insides of my eyelids.
"You haven't talked to Charley, have you?" he asked.
I opened my eyes and started to glare my anger at him, but the kind, understanding expression on his face turned my expression to one of chagrin. Still, I snapped at him.
"Not that it is anyone's business, but no, I haven't."
"You know you're hurting him, by closing him out." His voice was soft and gentle.
I felt like yelling at him to mind his own god damned business. But then the image of Gloria picking up her hand bag and pushing away from the table the day I had burned Robert's vicious notes, saying, "I know you're going to end up hurting him." hit me, right between the eyes. "I know," I muttered, "but I can't see him."
"You're talking to Allen Chestnut?"
I nodded.
"That's good. I'll tell Charley."
"Tell him I lo....Tell him I'm sorry." I tickled the edge of the sheet with my fingers.
"Of course, I will." Dave paused. "Jake? There is one more thing I need to talk to you about."
I raised my eyebrows in query.
"You're part of our family now. Even if you and Charley never get back together." He had a shy smile as he was telling me this. "We've adopted you and I'm afraid you have no say in the matter."
"Tim Corbin came up to welcome me this morning. I really don't understand what's going on. What is this family thing? What does it mean? And why me?"
"I guess there is only one way to explain this. It's a long story." He told me the whole tale of how he came into his wealth. He told me about Tim and Pete. I already knew some of Pete's story. He ended his story with, "So, Jake, it is now you. And by the way don't worry about the hospital costs, they're all taken care of."
"That is why I'm in a private room. I asked the nurse to send someone in to talk to me, but it hasn't happened."
"Don't worry about it, Jake. Just get back on your feet and write us another best seller. Oh, I nearly forgot," he said reaching into his shirt pocket and pulling out a card. "I need your signature on this card.
I took the card and looked at it. It was a bank signature card. "I don't understand."
"Call it an endowment, a gift. I just want to see you free to write to your hearts content."
"I still don't understand. I can see you rewarding Pete and Tim. They both helped you, to put it lightly. What have I done that you would be so generous to me?"
"Well, you have written a novel that may well help to change the way the straight world looks upon us. And that novel is good enough to be a top seller, which means the straight world has taken to it. Sue was telling me she's had to reorder it four times since you signed books at the store. She's requested copies of your first novel too, if it's still available, she says lots of people are asking for it."
I shrugged at that. "That means a lot more money coming in for me. I don't need this endowment or what ever you wish to call it."
"You can do whatever you see fit to do with it. It is in a bank account with your name on it, it is yours. The bank needs your signature. Sign it and I'll return it to the bank."
"I don't know quite how I feel about this. Actually I feel a little resentful. I mean I really have done nothing to earn this."
"How do you think I felt when I inherited the Way fortune? Jake, you've got to realize my doing this is comparable to you giving someone a dime. So be resentful if you want, but don't feel guilty in accepting it. Sign the card."
"Did you do the same for Charley?" I asked as I wrote my name on the card and handed it back to him.
"No. Charley works for a generous salary."
"Does he know you've done this?
"Why should he? This is between you and me. Of course, you're free to tell him if you wish."
"This is going to take some thinking about. And, Dave?" he looked at me. "Thank you."
"You are welcome. It was truly nothing on my part. After you have your talk with Jim I would like to hear from you. I really don't know how to proceed with him. He seems to be such a nice fellow." He stood up to take his leave.
"I'll tell you about it, Dave." I said as he took my hand and squeezed it.
"You'll have to come over for dinner when you get out of here."
"I'd like that."
He smiled and handed me a small black deposit book and left. I opened the booklet, shook my head in disbelief, an closed it. The rest of the day passed in a blur.
End
of excerpt
-=J=-
When Jason and Pete got home, Charley told them about Jake waking up. Pete put his left arm, the right arm he still couldn't use too well, around Charley's shoulders. "It's a damn shame that Jim has put Jake in this bad place. Personally, I think that Jim should be prosecuted for it."
Charley gave him a hug which he was needing himself.
Pete gave him a brief hug in return and headed up to his bedroom. Jason wrapped an arm around Charley's waist and squeezed. " I hope that Jake will be willing to throw the book at him," he said.
" I do, too, Jason. But it is Jake's decision to make. I kind of feel I betrayed him by going along with Jim's coverup with the shrink."
Jason looked up at him, saying, "You're a cop. You know that Jim has no business being an nurse and using illegal drugs. Especially a drug as awful as Date Rape."
"I know." Charley release him and sat down, scrubbing his face.
Jason watched and seeing Charley starting to get down on himself he changed the subject. "Charley have you been in Jake's apartment yet?"
"No, I haven't had the time."
"Let's stop in and check it out before we go to dinner."
"Sounds like a plan. I am curious to see how he lives."
-=J=-
When Jason unlocked the door to the apartment and stepped through the door he shuddered.
"What's the matter, Babe?" Pete asked putting an arm around his shoulders.
"This place felt good when I came here a few weeks ago." He shuddered again. "It's bad now."
Charley had walked past them and had gone into the bed room. He stood beside the bed, his arms at his sides with his fists balled, and tears rolling down his cheeks. Jason hesitantly stepped up beside him put a comforting hand in the middle of his back as he, too, stare at the bed, imagining what had happened there. The covers were rumpled and in the center of them was a big stain, it reeked of dry urine.
Jason raised his head, feeling the vibes of the room. "Charley, we can't let Jake come back here. It will take a long time for the bad vibes to escape from here."
"Plus he'd have to relive the experience every time he comes into this room." Pete added, standing by Jason.
Charley nodded and went into the bathroom to splash his face with cold water. He turned to take a hand towel off the rack and noticed the used condom laying over the edge of the waste can. He looked around and picked up Jake's toothbrush and used it to lift the prophylactic and examine it. There were curly hairs stuck to it. The reality of what Jake had been through suddenly hit him. Consumed with the mental image, he howled in agony.
Jason and Pete ran into the bathroom. Seeing what Charley held in front of him, Jason turned and sped into the kitchen, grabbed a zip-lock storage bag and headed back into the bathroom. Pete took the toothbrush from Charley and wrapped him hug. The big guy nearly collapsed on him.
Jason maneuvered the bag under the rubber that Pete held out and zipped it closed after it fell into the bag.
Charley quickly recovered and sat on the toilet lid and watched with a
frown. "
Charley nodded." I'm obviously not thinking straight. I was ready to flush it when Pete took it away from me. Thank's guys."
Pete rubbed Charley's back, "Are you going to be okay?"
"I'm all right. I guess the reality of what Jim did overwhelmed me. Tomorrow I'm going to rent a storage unit and empty this apartment
"You're going to have to toss the mattress. It is ruined." Pete said.
"I'd toss it anyway because of what happened on it."
"Yeah." Jason agreed with vehemence.
-=J=-
Tim stepped through the door into his and Johnny's apartment and yelled,
"Honey, I'm home." Johnny laying on the sofa
in just his Levi's watching the Dodgers whip the White Sox. He raised up and smiled at his young lover. Tim dropped his
books on the entrance table and leaned over the sofa to plant a kiss on
Johnny's lips. "Hope you didn't shrink the kids while I was gone." he
murmured as he planted kisses on Johnny's forehead, cheeks and was headed for
his neck when Johnny grabbed hold of him and pulled him over the back of the
sofa and on top of himself.
"Where do you come up with these weird things?" he asked Tim.
"Tim shrugged as he rolled off onto the floor. He looked at Johnny and shrugged with a grin. "Television? I think it's the name of a Disney movie."
"Life with an off the wall teenager." Johnny sighed. He didn't even want to try to understand what the connection was between the two sentences that Tim had uttered since entering the apartment.
Tim was a full time student majoring the forensic sciences. He'd been working and going to school the last two years, but now it wasn't necessary for him to work any more. His employers had he rewarded him grandly for being alert on the job when Dave Gates had been kidnapped. He'd met his life mate that afternoon also, when he was question by Detective John Paolini, the brother of Dave Gates' lover. The had recently moved into an apartment together in while they were looking for a permanent home to buy.
"I'm twenty years old. And you love living with me or did you forget that Old Man?" Tim was stripping off his clothes as the talked. When he was down to his briefs he lay down facing Johnny who moved back to give him room and wrapped his arms around him.
"I may be a cradle robber but I'm not an old man. Now lie still; the White Sox are up. They have a chance to tie up the game." He already had a hardon from just being near Tim.
Tim's wandering fingers walked up his thigh. "Are you saying I'm your baby?" Tim asked as he rubbed his fingers up and down the course material of the Levi's covering the hard cock that lay out over Johnny's hip Johnny had a hard time not squirming from the exquisite torment.
"If you don't stop that your going to get flung over my shoulder and carried into the bedroom." Johnny said through clinched teeth.
Tim pushed himself upright and looked up at him. "Hot air."
Johnny pushed him off the sofa and rolled off on top of him. "I'll show you hot air."
Tim grinned have succeeded in getting Johnny's full attention. He wrapped his arms around the burly ex-cop and captured his mouth with his. Johnny moved his hands up to each side of Tim's head and caressed his temples with his thumbs as he pulled back to look at his young lover. "I never get enough of you, Sweetheart."
"You've got all of me anytime you want me, John." He reached up and nipped Johnny's nose. "I love you."
Johnny bury his face against Tim's neck. "I love you, Timmy."
"Let's take this to the bed, there's more room in there than here between the sofa and coffee table, softer, too."
Johnny rolled off of his young lover and offered him a hand. Hand in hand they went into the bedroom.
As Johnny started undressing, Tim said, "I stopped up to see Jake Shipman this morning."
"Now why would you do that?" he asked as he pulled Tim's shirt off.
"After all the things we heard about him at dinner last night, I just wanted to meet him." Tim unbuttoned his own pants. He was already bare footed.
Tim knelt and pulled his pants down. Johnny was commando. Tim leaned forward and kissed the head of Johnny's now flaccid cock and then looked up at him. "So what do you think of him?" Johnny asked.
"He was grouchy, and got me totally muddled trying to explain that Charley had been hired to protect Dave." Johnny pulled Tim to his feet and kissed him.
"You? Mr. Brainiac was muddled? I can't imagine it." He hugged Tim to his chest and swayed with him.
"He's good a word games. But the thing that got me was that he didn't act like he even wants to friends with Charley much less his lover."
Johnny dropped stopped and held Tim back and looked at him."You do know why he's in the hospital don't you?"
"No, no one ever said why."
"Timmy, he was raped. You know Jim, my grand dad's companion?"
"Yeah?" Tim said grasping Johnny's buns. He loved running his hands over Johnny's hairy ass.
"Charley told me that Jim had drugged Jake and raped him." He said, sitting down on the bed and scooting to the middle of it.
Tim shucked his briefs and stood gloriously naked with his hand on his hips full of indignation."Damn, that's awful. That guy's a registered nurse. Why is he doing shit like that? He should be hung by his balls. Castrated!"
Johnny started laughing and held his arms out to Tim.
"What's so funny?" Tim asked crawling into next to Johnny to be wrapped in a bear hug.
"Jake almost did just that." Johnny said, as he kissed his lover's lips.
For the next half hour as they cuddled together, Johnny told him the tale that Charley had told him at the dinner table the night before while everyone else was kibitzing. When Johnny finished the tale. Tim rolled over and pushed his backside against Johnny. Johnny held him close occasionally kissing the back of his neck. The thought of making love had eluded them as they contemplated Jake's rape and revenge. "I'm hungry. Would you like to go get a burger?" Tim asked.
"I happy to just lie here and hold you, but I guess a growing boy has to be fed. Let's do it." Tim lunged off the of bed and pulled Johnny with him.
-=J=-
Charley, Pete and Jason opted for going down the street from Gio's for burgers and fries after they left Jake's apartment. It was the best place in town for a hamburger. They had just put in their order when Johnny and Tim walked in. They pulled chair sup to the table and joined them.
With prompting and fill-in comments from Jason and Pete, Charley, told them about Jake's place and that he was going to store the contents of the apartment tomorrow. Tim volunteered to help being he only had one afternoon class. Their food came, no one had much of an appetite as they contemplated what had happened to Jake. The table grew quiet as they started eating. And then Pete looked up and exclaimed, "I've got a brilliant idea." He was trying to talk and chew a big bite of cheeseburger simultaneously.
"What?" Charley asked, chuckling as Pete nearly choked.
"Don't talk with your mouth full." Jason said.
"Yes, Mom." Pete answered, and got an elbow in his ribs, causing everyone to laugh.
"So what is this bright idea? Tell us before that light bulb above your head burns out." Jason said and giggled when Pete looked upward. He got Pete's elbow on his bicep.
"No, really this is great. You know how Jake's office looks like he'd just stepped out of it for a moment?"
Charley and Jason nodded, while Johnny and Tim just listened.
"What if we went in and took pictures of everything in the room, you know close up details of it all. And then moved everything into one of the spare bedrooms and set it up just exactly like it is now."
Jason and Charley stared at him for a moment like he'd lost his mind and then Charley grinned. "That would be so cool. Let's do it."
Pete's idea had blown away the pall that had hung over the group. Appetites came back and they finished their meal in a more jovial mood. Johnny suggested a Cappuccino to top off the evening and they all strolled up to the coffee shop in Gates-Way bookstore.
-=J=-
Excerpt from Jake's journal
The next morning began the same as the day before with my temp being taken, breakfast of oatmeal toast OJ and coffee served, and then another visit from ----- who put me through a whole series of stretches and exercises while on my back or stomach. I was gaining strength but still had a long way to go to det back to normal.
After another sponge bath and a change of pajamas and sheets he left me to my self until Allen came in.
I assumed that Charley had told him about that last night before I left on tour, and I had already told him about what Charley and I did in bed and how much I loved the touch and feel of his beautiful body, but I still couldn't tell him how much I wanted to be fucked. We discussed yesterdays session I kept skirting the issue until he suddenly blurted out, "You wanted Charley to fuck you, didn't you?"
I could feel the blood rush into my skin and nodded. I was ashamed and at the same time relieved that it was out in the open, it was hard enough to admit it to myself. I lay there, propped up with pillows too weak to get away. I could only weep and shake my head. I couldn't tell him.
"Jake, there is nothing wrong with that. Big macho guys like you have every right to love taking it up the rear as anyone else. Personally, I think that is why God put our prostates where they are."
"He didn't want to," I said. "Charley really didn't want to fuck me."
Allen just looked at me waiting for me to say something more.
"I guess he thought I'd compare him to Jim. Maybe he was afraid that he wouldn't be as good. I've only thought that recently. Back then, I just felt unworthy, used, second-hand. Whatever the reason, it sure fucked up the rest of the evening." I closed my eyes and relaxed. Again Allen continued to sit quietly and when it became apparent to him I was stalled, he asked,"You feel like talking some more or do you need to rest?"
"Doc, I've had enough sleep for long while. I'm exhausted, but I don't want to stop."
"Alright, Jake. Do you feel up to talking about your past relationship with Jim? Before you met Charley."
"Yeah, I guess so."
"Before you begin, maybe you could fill me in on yourself. Like when did you figure out you were gay, et cetera."
I stared at the ceiling while I got my thoughts in order.
"First off, Doc, I mean, Allen, could you help me roll onto my side?" He rolled me over, stuck a pillow up against my back and laid my arm with the IV on top of my side. He raised my head and adjusted the pillow so my head was level."Thanks, that feels so much better." He sat back down and waited for me to start talking. It took me a few moments
"It had never dawned on me that I was different from other guys until I was out of the service and into my second year of college. Growing up on an isolated farm, going to a small community school there hadn't been any girls I was interested in or for that matter there weren't any boys either. I expected to eventually to meet a girl fall in love, get married and have a mess of kids.
"Since the internet was formed I've read a lot of stories on a site named Nifty. If one is to believe them, all kids from around age eight are horny little sex machines. If it's true then I must be a odd ball. Oh, I figured out how to jack off I just never thought of doing it with someone else.
"When I graduated from high school I wanted to get away from the farm and see some of the world, so I joined the Army, found myself being trained to be a medic and ended up in the Mideast during Desert Storm.
My mother died while I was in the
"You didn't have a good relationship with your father?"
"I had no relationship with my father. I might as well have been one of the farm animals Something that needed to be taken care of. Hell, he loved his horses more than me."
Allen pursed his lips and made no comment so I went on. "When I was released from the Army I found myself at loose ends. I had discovered during highschool that I enjoyed writing. I kept a daily journal from my sophomore year on. I decided that since I could get aid in getting a college education, I might as well go for it. My father offered me no assistance and I wasn't about to ask for any.
"My second year in college I started turning my journal entries from my high school days into a book. My English professor helped me get it published just before I graduated. It had a moderate success. I made enough money off of it that I could continue writing full time after I graduated if I lived modestly. But then my dad died leaving me the farm. It was a successful horse farm and I sold it for a good amount. So then money was no problem.
"It was my English Professor that awakened me to the fact that I am gay. Day after day, working closely with him to get my novel shaped up, I realized that I was fantasizing about being with him. He was married and quite straight. He was several years older than me and more worldly, also very liberal minded where it came to other's sexual orientation. He recognized the conflict going on within me, and we had several discussions about it. It was soon after I graduated that Jim entered my life. I met him in the grocery store.
"At first Jim was gentle and caring. I translated this as love and
figured I was in love with him. Naive of me, but true.
He introduced me to sex. He wasn't into what he called feminine sex, that included things like kissing, caressing and other
such tender things. He was more wham, bam, thank you,
man. Now get the hell out of here until I'm horny again. But I was infatuated
with him and thought I was in love with him. I tried unsuccessfully to get him
to admit that he loved me. After my second rejection I just got on my
motorcycle and headed for wherever I might end up. And that was
"When was your first rejection?"
"On the anniversary of our sixth month together."
"But you stayed in a relationship with him for around two years. Can you tell me why?"
"I could tell you that I was in love with him. I think at the time I had myself convinced that I was. I don't think so now. What I felt for Jim was nothing compare to what I felt for Charley."
"You don't feel the same for Charley now?"
"Of course I do. I'll always love him. But he's out of my reach now." I said with vehemence while glaring at him.
Allen regarded me for a moment. "That is so much bullshit. And you know that it is." His voice was little more than a whisper.
I closed my eyes and lay back. He wasn't going to let me dwell on it though. "Lets' go back to Jim. Why did you spend two years in a relationship with him?"
"He gave me what I needed." I said, staring at the ceiling. My voice sounded flat. Allen looked at me waiting for me to go on. I raised my head and yelled at him, "It's been hard admitting the truth to myself and you want me to admit it out loud to you?" He just raised an eyebrow. I dropped my head back on the pillow, exhausted and out of breath. I closed my eyes counted, 'One one million, two one million, three one million.' When I got to eight I gave up. "Alright, I'll tell you." I snapped at him with my eyes still closed. I took a deep breath and spewed out the words on at a time. "I---liked--- getting--- fucked--- by--- Jim."
Allen still didn't say anything.
"I not only liked it, I needed it. I needed to feel Jim's cock massaging my prostate. At least once a day if not three times."
Allen was quiet. I lay there waiting for a response that didn't come. I opened an eye and looked at him. He smiled at me. "You did good, Jake. I think you should rest now." He stood and patted my arm and headed for the door. "I'll be back tomorrow after your therapy. We'll talk some more."
I sighed. When he got to the door I stopped him. "Allen." He turned and looked back at me. "Thanks. It was a relief to finally tell someone. I tried so many times to tell Charley. But I just couldn't."
He nodded and smiled. "The time will come, Jake."
When he started to turn away I called to him again. He turned and looked back at me. "I didn't try to kill myself, Allen. I just lay down for a nap. I don't know why I didn't wake up."
Allen studied me for several seconds and then nodded. "We'll talk about this tomorrow. Get some rest, Jake."
I felt like my mind had decompressed. I had finally admitted to another person that I had an addiction. At least I looked at it as such. I mean it was on my mind twenty-three hours out of the day, or so it seemed. I wondered if there were other men like me. Surely there had to be. I wondered if there were lots of them. Now that Jim had literally fucked my relationship with Charley, I wondered what it would be like to have other men fuck me. I knew there were clubs, gay bars, where you could meet other men and that their main objective was sex. The thought was abhorrent to me. I couldn't imagine letting a stranger fuck me or even touch me in a sexual way.
The rest of my day was boring. I didn't have my journal with me so I couldn't write in it, so I flipped channels until I dozed off and didn't wake up until dinner time.
End
of Excerpt
Bright and early the next morning Pete, who was an avid camera buff, had his
camera out checking it over. He'd taken several rolls of film out of the fridge
to let them warm up.
They'd invited Tim to come over for breakfast. Charley had gotten out the
yellow pages and found a storage place nearby. He had to wait until
Jason started on fixing a hardy breakfast. They were ready to sit down when Tim showed up. He looked at the pile of sausages and the tall stacks of French toast and the platter of fried eggs. "Damn, I haven't eaten like this since I was in high school. Most mornings I have cold cereal. This is a treat."
Jason joked. "Yeah, right! A big guy like you having cold cereal for breakfast doesn't fit the picture."
Tim grinned. "Well, it does take a quart of milk and nearly a full box of cereal to fill me up."
~~~~
Charley headed for the storage place to rent the unit, and then to the local U-haul to rent a small truck. Pete headed for the apartment, while Jason and Tim went to the local grocery to get boxes. Pete started systematically photographing Jake's office, Jason tackled the kitchen, and Tim loaded Jake's clothes into his Camaro.
When Charley arrived with the rental truck, he and Tim started loading the livingroom furniture, the dinette set, the bedroom furniture, sans the mattress which they carried out and deposited next to the dumpster.
Pete boxed the books off the office shelves taking care to pack them so they could go back onto the shelves in the same order they'd been removed. He carefully boxed all the papers on the desk ,and then disconnected the computer, copier and fax. The photos and paintings on the wall he stacked to carry out when they moved the rest of the room.
Two hours later everything except the office had been moved into the truck. Tim was not about to let anyone drive his precious pickup, so he drove it back to Pete and Jason's with Jason riding shotgun, while Charley and Pete followed in the truck.
With admonitions to be careful and not scratch his baby, Tim climbed into the truck with Charley and they headed for the storage unit. Jason and Pete unloaded all of Jake's clothes and personal belonging into the old master bedroom.
Coordinating with their cell phones the four guys met back at the apartment and in hardly any time had the contents of the office in the truck.
Pete took the rolls of film he'd shot to the One hour Photo and had them developed, while the others unloaded the stuff back at the house. Charley returned the truck and met the others at the hamburger joint for lunch.
With hugs from all three guys Tim left to go to his one afternoon class.
~~~~~
Excerpt
from Jake's journal
I went over the whole session with Dr. Chestnut. I found myself being angry at him for even considering Jim to be my friend. Friends don't take what is not given. Jim had never considered what he was taking from me. And then.... on the other hand, he had saved my life after making it not worth living. That sounded so melodramatic. I found myself getting very angry at Jim. As I thought about it, I wished that I hadn't untied his hand. And then I wished Charley was here to hold me and reassure me. I became angry at him for not putting up a fight to be with me. Why did he just quietly acquiesce to my stupid demands? Did he really think that I wasn't worth fighting for? I'd forgotten about what he'd written in the note. My mood blackened, and I found myself wishing I had died. after mentally kicking my butt for wishing such a stupid thing, I stared out the window wondering how I could go on if Charley didn't want to be part of my life. Why the fuck did all this have to happen when everything had been so perfect?
And then to further fuck up my thinking I started in on the "what ifs." What if... I hadn't succeeded with my novel? What if... Charley had given into my desired the last night we were together and had fucked me? What if... I had been successful in removing that Goddamned Jim's testicles? What if... I wasn't such a wimpy wuss? It all served to make me more depressed and all I could do was lie in that damned bed and stare out into the black night.
The cell phone Charley had given me chimed. In the black mood I was in, I damned sure didn't want to talk to him. I thought about not answering it, But it was persistent. I opened it and said, "Hello."
"Jake, It's Chess. I woke up with feeling that you are feeling down. Are you alright?"
It freaked me out for a moment, this psychic connection with Chess. And then I realized it was a good thing, no, it was more than good. It was a wonderful thing and I wished that I had the same connection with Charley. A thought flashed through my head. It had to be that Chess and I had both been through rough times.
I realized that I hadn't even acknowledged Chess. "Yeah, Chess, I'm alright. I'd be better if I could get my mind to stopped for a while."
"You could ask for a sleeping pill."
I thought about it for a moment, and wondered why the Ambien hadn't done its job. "I feel kind of schizy about sleeping."
"I can see why."
"It had to have been a reaction to the pills, Chess, I really don't think I would just lie down to die. That's crazy. God, give me a gun and let me do it right if I'm going to do away with myself. You know what I mean?"
"I agree with you, Jake. It had to have been a reaction to the pills." We were both quiet for a moment and then he asked, "How is Charley dealing with all this, Jake?"
God! I hadn't expected him to ask that. I hadn't stopped to even wonder how Charley was doing. I was too busy feeling down on myself, feeling too unworthy of Charley to even consider his feelings. That made me feel even more shitty. "I don't know." I muttered.
"Hasn't he been up to see you?"
"Of course, he's been up to see me," I snapped.
"And?"
The question hung in the air like Damocles's Sword. 'And what?' My mind screamed. I started weeping. Damn I hate this emotional roller-coaster I'm on. "And I sent him away. I told him I am unworthy to be his mate after the whorish way I reacted to what Jim was doing to me."
"Jake. Jake listen to me. You are an educated intelligent man. Stop and think about this. It is impossible for a man not to react to having his prostate stimulated. There was no way that you could not have climaxed with that kind of stimulation."
"You don't understand. I was begging for more, begging for him to do it harder. I'm a fucking whore I can't get enough. Even after I came I wanted him to continue. Can't you see? I am dirt under Charley's feet."
The silence roared in my ear as I waited for a response. For a moment I thought maybe he'd cut the connection. And then he asked, "Jake, do you love Charley?"
"With all my heart and soul."
"Do you doubt his love for you?"
"No. I know he loved me as much as I love him."
"You think he doesn't love you anymore?"
"He damned sure won't when he finds out what I did.....how I reacted."
"If that's the way he reacts then he has never loved you."
"Why are you tormenting me?" I whimpered.
"Jake, Charley loves you, he always will, so why are you tormenting him?"
"What the fuck am I doing to torment him, for Christ's sake?"
"You are pushing him away."
"But he deserves much better than me."
"Don't you think that should be his decision?" I didn't answer. "Listen, Jake, to the voice of experience. I made a decision when I was in college, not giving my lover the chance to make any decision at all in what happened in our relationship. I met a young lady and decided that I could love her and raise a family with her. I gave my lover no choice in the matter. Although, I love my three sons dearly, I still regret what I did to the love of my life. Don't make the decision for Charley. You will definitely regret it the rest of your life."
"Are you telling me you are gay, Chess?"
"Jake, don't skirt the issue. I'm simply telling you that if you make the decision not to have Charley in your life without giving him a voice in it. You will regret it. That's all I'm telling you."
"It's something I'm going to have to think about."
"Here's something else to think about. Before you ever woke up Charley already knew how you reacted to Jim's deed. Jim made it very clear to him that your reaction was completely normal for any man with a healthy prostate. It made no difference to him. Charley was still there holding your hand waiting to see you again. Charley was still there telling you he loves you. Think about that and then call him."
"I'll call him, Chess. I just can't promise it will be right away."
"Well, get some sleep and I'll talk with you again soon."
"Thanks for being here fo me, Chess."
"Anytime, Jake. And remember Charley's not the only one that loves you. I love you, too, Son."
"I love you, Dad."
I stared out the window after talking with Chess. The sky lightened as I watched, and the clouds turned pink as the new day approached. I had drunk more than a three quarts of liquid yesterday. I wondered if I was still dehydrated. The cell phone was poking me in the side. Without thinking, I reach for it and picked it up. And then I realized that I had done what I could hardly do yesterday. My strength was returning. I looked forward to the day.
I rolled onto my side and felt for the bed control. When I found it, I
raised the head of the bed to where I was sitting up. I wanted a cup of coffee.
At that early hour I was sure there was no way I would be given one even if I
begged. So I sat back and sipped water while I considered yesterday's events
and this early morning conversation with Chess, and wondered what I
could expect this day.
End
of excerpt
End
of Part 7