Second
Wind
Chapter
Twelve
Ben
When I looked in the mirror
Tuesday morning my first thought was that I wasn't leaving the house all week.
The face looking back at me was too ugly to show to the world. My lower lip was
swollen and split just to the left of center. Maybe Becky had been right. It
looked like it was a big enough cut to need stitches. It had stopped bleeding
by itself though, so maybe it would be okay. I just hoped it wouldn't leave a
scar. The area surrounding my right eye was various shades of red, blue and
purple. Apparently, the ice hadn't helped very much.
After letting Lula out I
poured myself a cup of coffee and sipped it very carefully, trying not to press
the mug against my lip. Nearly as much coffee was running down my chin as going
into my mouth but I did manage to swallow some. My first impulse when I had
seen my face was to call in sick, but as I woke up I realized that I didn't
want to sit around the house alone all day. I knew I had a lot to think about
but I needed a little time for what had happened the night before to sink in.
I'd never been hit before and I was still in a bit of shock as well as a little
pain. I had to decide what to do about Joey and his family but maybe going to
work and keeping my mind otherwise engaged was a good idea for a couple of days
until I could sort everything out.
I went into the office and
buried myself in work. My coworkers readily accepted my story of falling and
banging my head against the car and were sympathetic. It wasn't really a story,
that's what happened. I just lied about the cause of my fall. That evening I
stayed in and had a light dinner and lots of wine. Becky called to see how I
was feeling and to report that Nicole had given birth to a healthy baby boy who
they didn't name Benjamin. I didn't pay much attention to the details. I didn't
feel much like talking or listening either. I told Becky that it hurt my mouth
to talk (it did, a little) so she didn't stay on the phone long. I went back to
my wine and my brooding. I wasn't doing much clear thinking. Every time I tried
to think rationally about what had happened and what it meant I kept seeing
Vinnie's fist coming at me.
By Wednesday evening my lip
was feeling less sensitive but the area around my eye looked darker and much
worse. A guy in my office said he'd had a few black eyes and predicted mine
would start fading in another day or so. I stayed in with my wine again and
this time tried to focus more on Joey's relationship with his family. A little
after ten the phone rang. I assumed it was Becky but when I reached for it I
saw Joey's number on the caller ID. I poured myself another glass of wine and
let the answering machine get it. As much as I wanted to hear his voice I
wasn't ready to talk to him. I had no idea where my head was and after several
glasses of wine I was afraid I'd say the wrong thing. I got a lump in my throat
when I heard him sing the Stevie Wonder line. Even
though he was obviously just kidding, hearing him say 'I love you' hit me
really hard.
Thursday I left work at
lunchtime and drove to Kennedy airport to pick up Mother and Sam. Even though
the black eye looked a little better, I'd considered using makeup to try to
cover it up. I decided that while makeup might work from a distance, with the
hugs and kisses of an airport reunion it wouldn't hide anything. Mother was
concerned about my injuries but I assured her it looked worse than it was.
Fortunately their flight was on time so we were able to get around the
Not long after I got home
the phone rang and I saw it was Joey again. I knew he was probably wondering
what was going on. Over the weekend I'd called him so many times. I couldn't
help but smile as I thought of his voice each time he picked up the phone. Now
I hadn't called him in three days. I listened as he left his message and then
played it back several times, just to hear more of his voice.
I sat with my wine and
thought all evening. I didn't come up with any answers, none that I liked
anyway. Of course, the wine not only dulled the pain I was feeling, mostly
emotional by now, but it slowed my thought processes down as well. As I sipped
a brandy nightcap I knew I was going to have to do something on Friday since we
had made tentative plans to get together. I also knew the 'something' wasn't
going to be pleasant.
I don’t think I got much
work done on Friday. All week I'd used my work as an excuse to not think about
Joey but he was all I thought about on Friday. I knew I loved him. I wasn't
sure if he loved me but I knew he cared a great deal. I thought there was a
real possibility of us being able to form a deep, lasting relationship. Except…
If it were just the two of
us in a void, I was sure we could be very happy. Even in my little world, Joey
would fit right in. But in his world it just wouldn't work. I'd seen on
Thanksgiving and then again on Monday night that it would be next to impossible
for me to become a part of that huge family. Even a gay Joey would not fit in
there.
So if I were to continue
this relationship, I'd be asking Joey to give up his whole life for me. Even if
he were willing to do that, and I wasn't sure he would, I wasn't worth it. I
had so little to offer him. If you were to put me on one side of a scale and
Joey's family and world on the other, there's no question which was more
important. And so I knew I had to end it and get out of his life while I still
could. I loved him and wanted him, but I had to do what was best for Joey, not
for me. He'd been truly happy living a straight life before, one that fit into
his world perfectly. He could do it again.
I had no appetite for dinner
when I got home from work. I played with Lula for a while, trying to distract
myself from what I knew I had to do. Finally, I put a few ice cubes in a
highball glass and poured myself three fingers of Scotch. I rarely drank
anything stronger than wine or brandy but I'd been through a lot of that this
week and my body and brain were getting immune to it. I was trying to get up
the courage to call Joey when he called me. I took a big gulp of liquid courage
and picked up the phone.
"So, Ben, you're still
alive. I was getting worried."
"Yeah, Joey, sorry I
didn't return your calls. I was kinda busy this week."
"I know, between Becky
and your mom I guess you didn't have much time. I just missed the sound of your
voice."
"Well, actually, I did
have some time to myself, and I used it to do a lot of thinking."
"Thinking? About what?
Is something bothering you?"
"I've been thinking
that maybe this isn't such a good idea after all."
"What isn't a good
idea? What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about us,
Joey. I don’t think this relationship is a good thing for either of us."
There was a long silence on
the other end of the line. I took another gulp of Scotch and hurriedly went on,
explaining why I thought we were wrong for each other (actually, why I was
wrong for him) and how his life would work out so much better if he were with a
woman, someone like Angie. He didn't say anything but I really didn't give him
a chance. I didn't want any argument or discussion; I wanted him to understand
that it just wouldn't work. I went on and on, mostly repeating myself, trying
to get him to see. I finally had to stop for a few seconds to catch my breath.
"I don’t understand
where all of this is coming from, Ben. We've talked about this before, a few
times. You know I like Angie, but as a friend. You're the one I want to be
with, the one I l-, um, want to have a relationship with."
I'd been afraid that would
be his reaction. Unfortunately, he was right; we had already gone over all of
this before and had ended with a different conclusion. But I had to make him
see how wrong I was for his life. I drained the glass and took a deep breath.
"Don’t you get it,
straight boy? We live in two different worlds. You're a nice church-going
family man who needs a wife and kids. I'm a slut who's been with hundreds of
guys and will hopefully have hundreds more. I'm a whore for cock, Joey, and I
can't imagine ever settling down. You were a challenge, that's all. I never had
a straight guy before. It was a nice fuck but that's all it was. Now that we've
done it, it's time for me to move on. You've had your walk on the wild side. Go
back to the safe little straight world you belong in."
Tears were streaming down my
face and it felt like my heart was going to explode in my chest but I tried to
keep my voice steady. I think all of the bottled up emotion probably made my
voice sound nasty and harsh but maybe that was for the best. I had to turn Joey
off, to turn him away from me. There was a long silence on the other end of the
line, then what sounded like a quiet sob and a click, then nothing.
I hung up the phone and
collapsed on the couch, curled up in a tight ball and let it all out. I wrapped
my arms tightly around myself and cried. As much as I was hurting I was aware
that my words had hurt Joey as well and I hated myself for that, but it was the
only way to drive him back to where he belonged. After a while, I became aware
of Lula whining next to me. I got up and let her out, poured myself another
Scotch and watched her as she just stood on the patio. I realized as I sipped
that she'd been trying to comfort me, not asking to go out. I let her back in
and sat on the couch. She jumped up along side me and nuzzled me.
"I love him so much,
Lula. Why couldn't it have worked out? Why?"
Joey
I got home from work on
Friday and since I still hadn't heard from Ben I assumed that whatever we were
doing didn't include dinner so I ate with my parents. After helping
I half expected to get his
answering machine again but was thrilled to hear his live voice. At least I was
thrilled until I heard what he was saying. I couldn't believe he wanted to
break things off with me and was giving all those potential problems with my
family as the reason, especially when he suggested I'd be better off with
Angie. We'd talked all of that out ages ago and agreed that, while there would
definitely be problems, this was what we both wanted and we could deal with
them. I couldn't understand why he was bringing it all up again.
When I questioned him he
turned nasty. I'd never heard him like that. I felt like he'd slapped me in the
face. Actually, it was more like a kick in the gut. I was stunned. He described
our relationship in such harsh cold terms. Was that how he'd felt all along?
Was this all just some kind of game he'd been playing? I couldn't bring myself
to say anything and when he finished his little tirade I knew I was going to
cry, so I quickly hung up the phone.
I'd been sitting on the side
of the bed so when I put down the phone I turned and lay down, burying my face
in the pillow, and cried. I felt like wailing and thrashing around but
remembered that my parents were downstairs so I just let it all out into the pillow
as quietly as possible. After a while I calmed down, rolled over and stared at
the ceiling. The pain I was feeling surprised me and only confirmed the depth
of my feelings for Ben. I couldn't believe he meant any of what he had said but
it still hurt and he'd made it clear that he wanted to end our relationship. I
wasn't ready to give up that easily but I didn't know what I could do. I lay
there lost in thought but couldn't get my mind to work right. My head was
spinning from Ben's harsh attack.
I'd been hoping that Ben
loved me the way I loved him. Of course, he'd been involved with lots of guys
so maybe his feelings were a bit different, but I couldn't believe this had all
been about getting me into bed, of adding another notch to his bedpost. Unfortunately,
the timing of his apparent change of heart made it sound like that could be the
case. He'd been so loving and so caring, but now, a week after we finally made
love, he was dumping me. I thought about his words. He'd called it 'a nice
fuck' but it had been so much more than that to me. I'd thought it was more to
him as well. I felt like crying again but it was Connor's bedtime so I knew I
had to get my act together to face my parents. I decided that this wasn't over
but I'd have calm down and to give it some thought before getting in touch with
Ben again.
Saturday I felt a little
like a zombie at work. The first truckload of Christmas trees had arrived the
day before so I was working the whole weekend. That was probably a good thing
although since it was early in the season business wasn't very brisk and I had
a lot of time to think. Anthony was the other family member working and I think
he noticed how preoccupied I was. He kept giving me a concerned look and acted
like he wanted to say something but was afraid to pry.
I wasn't in the mood for
dinner with Angie but it had become a routine and I hadn't thought to cancel
until it was too late. We went to the diner as usual and she spent most of the
meal talking about a couple we knew from high school. They'd gotten married
right around the same time as Jenny and me and Angie had heard at the salon
that they'd just split up. I didn't really care about the gossip but Angie went
on and on which left me to my own thoughts. Fortunately, Connor had one of his
rare fussy nights and was acting up so badly I was able to cut the evening
short. As I put Connor to bed I thought about Ben's comments about Angie and my
life. There was no way my feelings for her were even remotely close to my
feelings for Ben.
I went to early Mass on
Sunday so I could open the nursery at noon. Vinnie was also working and though
he wasn't usually the most sensitive guy in the family he noticed how
distracted I was.
"You're looking really
out of it, bro. Something on your mind?"
I couldn't confide in him,
especially knowing how he felt toward Ben, but I had to talk to someone.
"I talked to Ben the
other night and he said he didn't think our being friends was such a good idea.
I thought we were getting along really great so I can't figure out what went
wrong."
"I guess he got the
message." My curiosity about that comment must have shown on my face so he
explained. "Queers like him are only interested in one thing -- dick. Most
fags go for straight guys because they want a real man, not just another fag.
Some look at getting a straight guy as a challenge. I guess once Ben realized
he wasn't going to get you, he decided to move on."
"But Ben's not like
that at all."
Actually, Ben had used
almost the same words about me being a challenge and that had hurt, but hearing
it from Vinnie made me realize what a lie it was. Vinnie continued to run down
Ben but fortunately a couple of customers appeared and he went off with them.
My mind was finally working on a new track as I realized the big fallacy in
what Ben had said. He'd said it had all been about getting me into bed and once
that was accomplished, he had no more interest in me. But we'd made love on
Thursday, and for three days after that he had been more caring, more attentive
and more romantic than ever before.
In fact, everything had
gotten better and better through Monday night, which was possibly one of the
nicest times we'd ever had at Angelo's. So it wasn't our having sex that had
changed Ben. It had to be something long after that. But what? I hated to put
Becky in the middle but she was my only hope at finding out what went wrong.
She'd been with him Tuesday night so maybe she knew something. As soon as I got
home from work I called her but her roommate said she'd been away at her
sister's all week and wouldn't be back until Monday. It looked like I was going
to have to wait. Maybe I could talk to Ben at bowling. It wasn't the ideal
setting for a serious talk but at least I knew he'd be there. Maybe I could
talk him into going to Angelo's.
Ben
After I got off the phone
with Joey I really tied one on. I wasn't used to drinking hard liquor so it
didn't take much to get completely wasted. Saturday morning I had a hangover
but it had faded by lunchtime and I started drinking again, this time sticking
with wine. I kept a good buzz going all afternoon and evening, dulling the pain
I was feeling. Every time I thought of what I'd said to Joey, I could picture
the pain in his eyes. I knew what I'd done was best for him in the long run but
I still hated to think that I'd hurt him.
Sunday wasn't any better. I
kept looking at Lula, wondering how dogs managed to sleep nearly twenty-four
hours a day. I wanted to do that, just go to sleep and wake up several days
later when the pain was gone. Since I couldn't manage that much sleep, I stuck
with the wine. Monday morning I was hung over again so I called in sick. I
hadn't shaved or showered all weekend and I was starting to smell but I didn't
care. I knew I had to pull myself together and go on with life but I just
wasn't ready. I was hoping that the pain I was feeling would fade to a dull
ache that I could live with. Around six o'clock I called Scott and told him I
wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be at bowling. I was actually feeling a little
better (maybe it was the wine) but there was no way I was ready to face Joey. I
was thinking that I might have to drop out of the league altogether since I
might never be ready to face him again.
I decided that I'd get up
early in the morning and clean myself up and go back to work. I spent the
evening snuggling on the couch with Lula and a glass of wine, wishing it was
Joey in my arms instead of my four-legged friend. Around ten the phone rang. I
didn't even have to look to know it was Joey. It was just about the time we'd
be at Angelo's. I let it go to the answering machine and was surprised to hear
it was Becky and that she had heard the news. I wasn't ready to deal with her
interrogation yet. A few minutes later the phone rang again. This time it was Joey.
He kept asking me to pick up the phone but I wasn't about to talk to him
either. Why couldn't he just accept that it was over?
Joey
I was disappointed when
Ben's teammates told me he wasn't going to show up at bowling but I wasn't
surprised. I managed to get through my three games and went over to Angelo's. I
wasn't really expecting Ben to be there but still I hoped he might turn up. The
place was nearly empty when I got there and Angelo was surprised to see that I
was alone.
"No Ben tonight, Joey? What's
up?"
"I don’t know, Uncle
Angelo. He wasn't at bowling. He told his teammates that he wasn't feeling
well."
"Well, I hope he's
okay. I'm glad you met up with him. He's good for you, Joey. He makes you happy
and that's what I like to see. You seem to make him happy, too. Hang onto
him."
"I'm sure going to
try."
I was a little surprised,
not by what he'd said but the way he'd said it. He seemed to realize that there
was more than friendship going on between Ben and me and he was trying to let
me know that it was okay with him. Of course, he'd had lots of time to observe
us when we were together, not paying too much attention to anyone but each
other, so I guess it wasn't hard for him to figure us out.
I decided to try calling
Becky again. Her roommate had said she'd be getting in late so maybe I could
reach her.
"Hey, Joey, what a nice
surprise. Aren't you supposed to be at Angelo's with Ben right about now?"
"Yeah, I'm here but Ben
isn't. That's why I'm calling. Ben broke up with me Friday night." My
throat tightened up as I said those words.
"Broke up? No way! What
are you talking about?"
"I wish I knew.
Everything was going great when I saw him last Monday but then when I called
him Friday he dumped me and wasn't very nice about it either."
"That doesn't sound
like Ben at all. He's crazy about you. Besides, he'd never break up over the
phone. That's just not him."
"Yeah, well, I wasn't
expecting that from him either but that's what he did. I was hoping maybe you
knew something about what was going on in his head last week but your roommate
said you've been away."
"Sorry, but I don’t
know anything. I haven't seen him since he got home from Angelo's last week. He
didn't say anything about you but then he was pretty much out of it because of
his injuries. I talked to him a couple of times during the week but since it
hurt for him to talk we kept it short."
"Injuries? Hurt for him
to talk? What are you talking about?"
"He didn't tell you?
Apparently after you left him last Monday, he slipped on some ice in the
parking lot and banged his head against his car. His face was pretty beat up. I
wanted him to go to the emergency room but he wouldn't go."
"He didn’t say anything
about it but the only time we talked after that was Friday when he broke things
off."
"Well, I'm going to
call him and get to the bottom of this. I'll let you know what I find out. How
are you dealing with all of this?"
"Not well at all,
Becky."
"Well, don’t worry,
baby. Now that I'm home I'll straighten everything out."
After I hung up I thought
about what Becky had said for a minute. I remembered it had turned colder last
Monday but I hadn't noticed any ice in the parking lot. I went over to the bar
to see Angelo.
"Did you happen to see
Ben fall in the parking lot after we left last week?"
"Fall? No. I looked out
the window a few minutes after you boys left and saw him talking to John and
Vinnie but that was all. When I looked out a few minutes later they were all
gone."
"John and Vinnie were
here?"
"Yeah, I thought they
were stopping by for a drink but they didn't come in. I thought that was
strange."
I thought it was strange,
too. Then the pieces fell into place. It didn't take a genius to figure it out.
Vinnie and John didn't like Ben at all and didn't like me hanging out with him.
They'd shown up at Angelo's after I'd left and talked to Ben, then a few
minutes later Ben arrived at home looking 'beat up.' After that, Ben decided we
shouldn't see each other any more.
I looked at my watch. John
and Vinnie would probably still be at the bar at the bowling alley and I felt
like beating the crap out of both of them. But I was concerned about Ben and
really needed to talk to him. I took out my phone and called but he wouldn't
pick up. I left some money on the table for my beer, waved goodbye to Angelo
and took off, heading for Florham Park. He could ignore the phone calls but he
couldn't avoid me banging on his door.
Ben
The doorbell rang and I
ignored it. I wasn't in the mood to see or talk to anyone. After a minute I heard
banging on the front door and tried to decide if it sounded like Becky's fist
or Joey's. I was a little tipsy from the wine and staggered a bit as I walked
to the door and looked out the peephole. Joey. I could deal with Becky, but not
Joey. I decided that he'd give up after a while and went back to the couch in
the family room. After a few minutes the banging stopped. I was just starting
to relax when the door from the garage opened and Joey walked in.
"What do you want? How
did you get in?"
"I'm the one who
suggested where you should hide the spare key to the garage last summer when we
were putting up your fence, remember? So what's going on here, Ben? I think I
know what happened after I left Angelo's last week but I want to hear it from
you."
How could he know? No one
saw what happened and I was sure his brothers wouldn't say anything. From the
message she'd left I knew Becky had talked to Joey but even she didn't know
what happened. Joey had to be guessing and he might be all wrong. At any rate, I
wasn't going to rat on his brothers.
"Nothing happened
except that I fell. I don’t know what you're talking about."
Between not shaving or
bathing and the fading bruises around my eye I must have looked like hell. Joey
was looking at me closely and looked very concerned.
"I know that you ran
into John and Vinnie last week, you got hurt and then you broke up with
me."
"You're jumping to a
lot of conclusions, Joey. Those three things don’t have anything to do with
each other."
"Yeah, right. It all
makes sense to me but I'm disappointed in you, Ben. I could kill my brothers
for hurting you, but I thought I meant something to you. I didn't think you'd
turn away from me so easily."
I could see the hurt in his
eyes and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I burst into tears. Joey sat next to
me and took me in his arms, holding me, stroking my head, murmuring soothing
words in my ear. I just completely fell apart. After a very long time I
struggled to pull myself together.
"I'm sorry, Joey. It
wasn't like that. I may be a little afraid of Vinnie and John, but I don’t care
what they do to me. I just didn't want to ruin your life. I love you so much.
More than anything I want you to be happy and being with me would fuck up your
life and make you miserable."
"I love you, too, Ben,
and being without you is what will make me miserable."
"You love me?" I
couldn't quite believe it, especially after the way I'd treated him.
"Yes, Ben, I'm totally,
madly, head-over-heels in love with you." He held my face in his hands and
looked me in the eye. "I think about you all day and dream about you at
night. I am never so happy as when I am with you. I love every minute we're
together. I know we agreed to go slow but not communicating seems to be messing
everything up."
"I'm just as in love
with you but I haven't quite been able to believe that you're not straight and
that you might possibly love me. Besides, I'm not good enough for someone as
wonderful as you."
"Why would you think
that? You're the sweetest guy I've ever known."
"Well, I can be a
trashy queen at times and I've slept around quite a bit. You're such a decent
guy. I just couldn't believe you could love me."
"I think I've gotten to
know you pretty well over the past few months and you're a decent guy too, you
know. Don’t ever think you're not."
"If you say so. You
seem to know better than me about most things so I'll have to take your word
for it."
Joey
When I first walked into
Ben's house I couldn't believe how bad he looked. His clothes were rumpled and
his hair was a dirty mess. While he didn't have a very heavy beard he had
patches of stubble all over his face. I could also make out the faded bruises
near his eye and anger toward my brothers welled up inside me.
It quickly became obvious
that he was in even worse emotional condition. He wouldn't tell me exactly what
had gone on with John and Vinnie but he didn't deny my assumptions. It didn't
matter. Once we opened up and told each other how deeply we felt, that was all
that counted. As our relationship had developed, I'd always let Ben take the
lead because he was older and so much more experienced. I'd realized that deep
down he was a bit insecure, but even so I was surprised to see how fragile he
was. I tried to reassure him as much as I could and held him for a long time.
After a while, though, his days of not showering got to me.
"No offense, Ben, but I
think you're a bit overdue for a shower."
"I know it would make
me feel so much more human, but I think I'm a little too tipsy to risk
it."
"Yeah, I noticed the
recycling bin in the garage was getting pretty full. I think you've had enough
wine for a while."
"You'd better believe
it." He got a sly look in his eye. "Think you could give me a hand in
the shower, maybe hold me up a bit?"
"If I didn't know
better, I'd say you planned this. Okay, I'll help you out, but no funny
business. Remember, I'm an innocent straight boy."
He smirked at me.
"Yeah, right."