Second Wind

Chapter Fifteen

Ben

Wednesday morning Joey was ringing my doorbell at the crack of dawn. Well, the crack of ten, actually. He wanted to start earlier but I have this thing about setting my alarm clock on a day I don't have to work. If I'm not working I have to sleep in. I had thought about suggesting that he come over early, let himself in and wake me up in a special way. Then we could shower together and get the day off to a great start. Except that I knew he was bringing Connor with him, so that was out. At any rate, I was up, had had my coffee and shower and was more or less awake by the time he arrived, looking bright and sexy at my front door with Connor perched on his left hip.

The night before Becky had helped me rearrange the furniture in the larger guest room to make room for the crib. I mostly just held parts together or handed him tools while Joey did the actual assembly. Part of that was because he had lots of experience with cribs, part was because I have ten thumbs when it comes to tools. Even without my help, he had the whole thing done in half an hour. It was ready for use and I suggested we let Connor try it out to see if he liked it.

"Can you keep it in your pants just a while longer, slut? Connor's naptime, and therefore our playtime, isn't until after lunch. We've got lots to do before then."

"Lots to do? I thought we were done."

Joey just rolled his eyes. "Ben, in case you hadn't noticed, Christmas is a week from Saturday, though you'd never know it looking around this house. When were you planning on putting up a tree?"

"To be honest, I haven't even thought about it. Christmas has kind of snuck up on me this year. I haven't even done any shopping yet."

"That's what I thought. C'mon, let's go over to the nursery and pick out a tree. Do you have enough decorations?"

"Actually, I don’t have any. Paul and I had tons but I left everything with him."

"No problem, we'll go over to Treasure Island after we get the tree and get some good stuff. It'll be fun to start from scratch."

I knew what Joey was saying was a good idea but I wasn't very enthusiastic. I'd been looking forward to a day off from everything but Joey.

"All right, but let's not take all day doing this. I have plans for this afternoon."

Joey looked at me and his face fell. "I thought we were going to spend the whole day together."

"Duh! YOU are my plans for this afternoon."

"Oh, okay. I thought so but I just wanted to be sure."

We decided his minivan was better suited to hauling the three of us, a tree and a ton of decorations around town than my Saab. As soon as we pulled into the lot at the nursery I saw a potential problem -- brother Vinnie in the side yard showing wreaths to a woman.

"How are we gonna shop for a tree with him here? It's a big place but we can't avoid him completely."

"Don’t worry about Vinnie. You're right that we can't keep him from knowing we're here, but we'll just try to stay as far from him as possible. I don't think he's gonna go out of his way to hang around us."

We went in the front door of the shop and saw Anthony helping a customer at the register.

"Is Pop in the back?" Joey called out. Anthony nodded and Joey turned to me. "Wait here and I'll get Pop to watch Connor while we look around."

Joey carried Connor to the office in the back and I moved over to a row of indoor planters. I didn't want to have to make small talk with Anthony when he was free. He was the friendliest of the brothers but that still didn't mean it was easy to be around him. Joey was back in a couple of minutes and he led me to a back door so we were able to avoid Vinnie. We went all the way to the back of the lot and turned into a row of trees. Joey seemed to know exactly where we were going and I soon found out why.

"I picked out a few really nice ones yesterday and hid them back here so no one would buy them."

"You should have just picked the one you liked best and brought it with you. I'm sure I would have loved whatever you decided on."

"It's your tree, Ben. You have to pick it out yourself."

"You know how bad I am about making decisions. A tree is a tree."

"Maybe, but it's going to be your tree and you have to be the one to decide. Flip a coin if you like but it's up to you."

He pulled out three trees and held them for me, one at a time. They all looked full and symmetrical but the second one looked best. Maybe. Anyway, I picked it.

"Good choice, Ben. That's my favorite. too. Now you get a reward for being such a good boy."

He pushed me back into a pile of trees and then looked both ways before leaning into me and kissing me. I couldn't believe this was my sweet shy Joey. I melted into him as his tongue explored my mouth and he thrust his hips against mine. We sunk into the trees until I was half lying down. I felt the trees suddenly shift under me and I tried to sit up to get my balance. As I looked over his shoulder I saw a teenager staring at the two of us from about twenty-five feet away. When he saw me looking at him he turned and ran around the corner toward the front of the lot.

"We'd better stop, Joe. I think we're scaring the customers." I explained about the kid.

"Yeah, I got a little carried away. I think I may be as horny as you are today. But you're right, we were lucky. That could have been Anthony or Vinnie. I've got to be more careful."

We took the tree out front and Vinnie was nowhere to be seen. After we'd tied the tree to the roof on the van, I gave Joey money and he went inside to pay for it and get Connor. I got in the car and waited out of sight. As I sat and waited I wondered if things would be easier once Joey had come out. I knew it probably wouldn't be good right away, but maybe after everyone got used to it. Neither one of us was used to hiding who we were. I hadn't been in the closet since college and Joey hadn't really considered himself gay until recently, so having to be careful about how we acted was something new and uncomfortable for us both.

Joey

Wednesday morning I didn't bother to set the alarm, assuming I'd be up early anyway. I was surprised when I woke up and saw it was nearly seven-thirty. Still pretty early for a day off, but late for me. Mom gave me a hassle over breakfast. Once Ben had arranged the dinner with Becky I'd told her about our plans for the day and for Saturday as well. She'd given me a hard time on Monday and she was still at it.

"I just don’t see why you'd want to cook for a bunch of that man's friends. I don’t know how you could even be comfortable in a house full of gay people."

"Not that it matters, but there isn't going to be a houseful of gay people, Ma. I told you before, the whole point of the party is for Becky to introduce her new boyfriend. Does that sound gay to you?"

"So not all of them will be like that. But do you have to spend the night? It's only down the road. You should come home afterwards. Then you wouldn't have to go to all this trouble with Donna Marie's crib."

"It's going to be a late night and I'll probably have a few drinks. You know I don’t like to drive with Connor when I've been drinking. Besides, I was thinking about borrowing the crib to keep there anyway. With all of the time I'm spending at Ben's this will make it easier for me to keep Connor with me."

"You could at least take Angie. You usually go out with her on Saturdays."

"How many times do I have to tell you that Angie and I are just friends? Ask her if you don’t believe me. And though I'm doing the cooking, it's not my party. It's a party for Ben's friends, not mine."

Fortunately, since I'd slept late Mom had already cleaned up the kitchen so she didn't have an excuse to hang around and argue. She left the room mumbling something about pig-headed children. I felt bad having to be evasive with Mom. I couldn't lie to her but I was stretching the truth and playing word games. I knew it was only temporary, that once the holidays were over I'd sit her and Pop down and talk to them, but it still bothered me.

After getting both Connor and me cleaned up I strapped him into the back seat of the van and went over to Donna Marie's. I loaded the crib and playpen into the van and then had another cup of coffee with my sister. She wasn't as bad as Mom, but almost.

"I just don’t understand what you see in him, Joey. You can't have much in common and his lifestyle must be so different from ours."

"Yeah, he's different, but that's more because he's not Italian than because he's gay. He's lived a very different life than I have but we never run out of things to talk about. Sal has talked to him a few times and likes him. You would too if you gave him a chance."

"Maybe I would but I don’t see any reason to. He's your friend. He doesn't have to be mine."

I thanked her for the crib and linens and headed over to Ben's house. When I got there I had him hold Connor while I carried all of the stuff into the house. The pieces of furniture weren't all that heavy but they were an awkward size. Ben didn't look like he spent much time in the gym so I figured Connor would be enough for him to carry. Besides, I liked finding reasons to get Ben and Connor together.

I'd suspected that Ben hadn't made any plans for Christmas decorations. While he was very bright and apparently has a head for numbers, he could be a bit of a ditz on practical everyday things. He also spent too much time thinking things over and had trouble making decisions so I planned out the rest of our day and pretty much bullied him into obeying me. He whined quite a bit but I could tell he loved it.

When we got to the nursery I left Ben out front, hoping he'd get talking with Anthony, and took Connor to the office.

"Hey Pop, would you mind watching Connor for a few minutes while I help Ben pick out a tree?"

"Mind watching my favorite grandson? Never."

"I didn't think grandparents were supposed to have favorites."

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Joe. You know how much I love babies, so each one of my grandchildren has been my favorite from the time they were born right up until the next one was born. Now they're all my favorites, though Connor has a special place in my heart because he'll probably be the last. Unless you get married again and have some more kids, that is."

"Don’t hold your breath, Pop. I think Connor is it for me. You can't improve on perfection." I found I was getting good at talking around the issue and I wasn't happy about that. But once again I reminded myself that it was only temporary.

I went out and found Ben and Anthony not talking and led Ben out to look at the trees. He started whining again but I could tell he enjoyed looking the trees over and he made the choice I would have. I went to give him a little kiss but we lost our balance and fell into a stack of trees. Neither of us seemed to mind that the kiss became a bit longer and more passionate than I had intended but I agreed when Ben suggested we cool it until we were somewhere more private. I could just imagine how Vinnie would have reacted if he had been the one who came around that corner instead of some kid.

While we tied the tree to the car I kept thinking about the kiss. Except for that first time on the dance floor at the club, every other time we'd kissed had been at Ben's house. I'd loved all of those kisses but it just felt so nice to kiss outdoors in broad daylight. It felt, I don’t know, liberating and empowering, like I was proudly declaring my love instead of hiding it.

I assumed Vinnie had gone inside so I suggested that Ben wait in the car for me while I went to get Connor. Sure enough, Vinnie was at the counter when I walked into the building. I went over to the cash register and rang up the sale, putting Ben's money in the till.

"What's HE doing here?"

"He bought a Christmas tree, Vin. Even gay people do normal things once in a while."

Vinnie scowled and turned away so I went to the office. Margaret had come back from lunch and was holding Connor on her lap. Pop was eating a sandwich at his desk.

"You'd better get some food into that boy, Joey. He's been eating my sandwich with his eyes. I was going to give him some but I didn't know what your plans were."

"We're going over to Bennigans's to get something to eat."

"Did you see James outside?"

"James? Isn't he in school?"

"He had some paper for school that Vinnie forgot to sign so he brought it over during his lunch period. The high school is just down the road."

"Yeah, I know Pop, I went there, remember?"

"Well, he knew you were here as soon as he saw Connor. He wanted to say hi but I guess he had to get back to school. He did get to fuss over Connor for a few minutes, though. He sure does love this boy."

"Everybody does, Pop. What's not to love?"

I suppose every parent feels that way about their kids but even with all of the experience I've had with my nieces and nephews and the love I have for them, I still think that Connor is special.

Since it was still fairly early we decided to shop for decorations before lunch. I did my best to push Ben over the limit on his credit card. We both had a ball looking at everything in the store. Connor was fascinated by all of the lights and glittering objects but after nearly an hour he started to get cranky, so we decided it was time to eat. Ben and I were both starving by the time we got to Bennigan's. I ordered a chicken Caesar salad for myself and grilled cheese sandwich for Connor. He'd have some of my chicken as well. Ben ordered a bacon cheeseburger deluxe with onion rings.

"We have got to get you into a gym soon, Ben."

He looked offended. "I thought you liked my body."

"Oh believe me, I do, but if you keep eating junk like that you're not gonna look like this for long. How about joining the Y? I already belong and we could work out together."

"Hmm, I can think of a nice workout with you."

"That's not the kind of workout I had in mind. Well, not the only kind, anyway."

We concentrated on our food for a while. Since we had arrived toward the end of the lunch rush by the time we were finishing up most of the tables around us were empty. I was glad because there was something I wanted to talk to Ben about before we got back to the house. It wasn't exactly lunch conversation, but it had been on my mind for a while. There was no one near us but I still kept my voice low.

"Remember the other night, Ben, when we tasted each other's, uh, semen?"

"Yeah, how could I forget? I seem to remember that I did a little more than taste, though. Why, is there something about that that's bothering you?"

"Well, I liked it, but I was wondering. Is that safe?"

"There's some risk involved in just about everything you do so you have to decide on how safe you want to be. I've known some guys who even use condoms for oral sex. Overall, I think oral sex is pretty safe, though if you're tricking around it's probably best not to take a load in your mouth. Of course, if you've got an open cut or sore in your mouth it's a lot riskier, and the more people you do it with the more chance you take, but I don’t think it's risky between us."

"It's just that I've never really had to think about things like this before. When Jenny and I started having sex we were both virgins. We only used condoms for birth control, and then only until we got married. After that we were trying to have a baby."

"Well, I've always been careful and insisted on condoms for anal sex, although Paul and I did away with them a while after I moved in with him because we'd both been tested and we were monogamous. I'm sure I have nothing to worry about with you and you don't have to worry about me. I obviously have been around a lot more than you but I was tested after my slutty period last summer and again a couple of weeks ago."

"So you're saying that since we're both negative we don’t have to use condoms?"

"Is that your way of saying that we're monogamous, Joey?"

"You'd better believe it. I can't do it any other way, Ben."

"Good. I know it may sound strange coming from a guy who's whored around as much as I have, but I like monogamy myself, especially with you."

I had the information I wanted and I knew I should drop the subject, but since he'd brought up his past I went on. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear the answer but I had to ask.

"I know this is none of my business, Ben, and you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to. I probably don’t even really want to know, but… hundreds?"

Ben leaned back until he was staring at the ceiling and groaned. When he sat back upright and looked at me he was shaking his head.

"I was wondering when that comment was going to come back and bite me in the ass. Okay, I've been with a lot of guys and I haven't kept count, but it hasn't been hundreds. That night on the phone I was exaggerating to try to scare you off, to maybe horrify you a little."

"Well, it worked, at least when you said it. I don’t like thinking about you with anyone else, whether it's one guy or fifty, but I know shouldn't think about that. That's the past. I love who you are right now, and right now you're with me. That's all that matters."

"I'm glad you feel that way, Joey, because I can't undo my past. But you are my present, and, I hope, my future."

When we got back to the house I took Connor into the guest room to change his pampers and get him ready for his nap, which meant Ben had to carry all of the stuff we'd bought into the house. He probably would have preferred unloading ten vans to changing one diaper so he didn't complain.

The day had been more exciting than most for Connor and he was asleep as soon as I placed him in the crib. I walked out into the hall and nearly ran into Ben.

"He's sound asleep already. What do you say we bring the tree in and get to work on it?"

Ben's face fell. "I was thinking that maybe we could take a little nap, too. We'd do a better job on the tree if we were well rested."

"Yeah, rest, I'm sure that's what you were thinking. Well, if you insist."

We went into Ben's room and slowly undressed each other. Our last couple of sexual encounters had been very impromptu and a bit rushed so we took our time. We lay on the bed making out for a long time until we ended up in a sixty-nine position. We made love to each other's cocks slowly, building until we exploded at almost the same time. This time I did more than taste. I had to gulp to keep from spilling his load all over the place. I managed to swallow every drop and I loved it. And afterward we did get to take a little nap.

Ben

Joey had thought the whole day out and made sure it went according to plan. I tend to be lazy at times and need to be pushed to get things done. Joey knew just how hard to push and how to best cajole me into things. While I often looked at even little things as chores, they weren't when Joey was leading me through them.

I hadn't anticipated Joey's inquiries about safe sex. Knowing that he was coming from a straight background I probably should have, but since I had been out and active for so long I just took it all for granted. Instinctively I knew what I could and couldn't do under different circumstances and never gave it much conscious thought. Until last summer, anyway.

After breaking up with Paul I was in a dazed state of hurt and betrayal for a couple of months and lost myself in casual sexual encounters. Yes, I was being reasonably safe, but I was also being very promiscuous. I was starting to calm down and get more rational about things around the time I closed on the house. And then the realization hit me. Paul and I had been fucking for months without condoms while he'd been carrying on his affair with Chad. I'd thought we were being safe because I trusted him.

In a panic, I ran to my doctor to be tested. During the few days I waited for the lab results, I tried to convince myself that Paul would have been using condoms with Chad, as he did when he and I first got together. He wasn't an idiot, after all. But I could no longer convince myself of anything when it came to Paul. After all, I never expected him to cheat on me in the first place. He had not only betrayed our 'love' by being with Chad, he had put me at risk. Realizing that was the first step in getting over him. The test came back negative but the doctor suggested having it done again in a few months just to be sure. I'd received the second negative result the week before our little Christmas tree shopping trip so it was the perfect time for Joey to bring up the subject.

When I woke up from my nap after Joey and I had made love, Joey was spooning me from behind, holding me in his arms. He was still asleep and I just lay there, reveling in the security his body offered me. For a long time after Paul, I was sure I'd never be able to trust anyone again. I'd always craved security and while Paul seemingly provided that for years, when he pulled the rug out from under me he left me more insecure than I had ever been before. I realized that Paul's 'protection' of me hadn't really been about me at all. It had all been about his ego, about how good it made him feel to take care of me.

Right from the night I'd met Joey in that parking lot, I'd felt a strength within him that had nothing to do with ego. As our relationship developed, he took care of me in so many ways, not to build himself up, but to build me up. He was a natural caregiver and nurturer. You only had to look at the way he treated Connor to see that. He was a giver, not a taker. Lying there in his arms, I knew that I had not only found someone to love, but someone I could trust.