Second Wind

Chapter Seventeen

Ben

Monday night I felt tired when I got to Angelo's. The week had just begun, but with Christmas on Saturday it promised to be a long one. I'd spent a couple of hours after work at the mall, which wouldn't have been necessary if I hadn't left my shopping until the last minute. I managed to get gifts for Dad and Lori, so it was a good start. When I got home I nuked a frozen dinner and let Lula out for a few minutes, then changed and headed for the bowling alley. By the time I'd finished bowling I was exhausted. At Angelo's, I collapsed into the booth across from Joey and took a long sip from my beer bottle.

"You look beat, Ben. Rough day?"

"Yeah, Joey. Christmas snuck up on me this year." Just like every year. "I'd never get through it if I had a family as big as yours."

"Oh, it's not so bad if you pace yourself. We figure Christmas is for the kids so my brothers and I haven't exchanged gifts in years. I only have to shop for my parents and my nieces and nephews. And I like to get Donna Marie and my sisters-in-law a little something, too."

"So that's like twenty people instead of twenty-four? I've only got four, plus you and Becky, and I'm frazzled."

"It's no big deal. During the year whenever I see something I think someone would like I buy it and set it aside. Then I start shopping in earnest for the rest of the them sometime in the fall, so by Thanksgiving I'm pretty much done."

"Thanksgiving? I don’t even think about Christmas until way past then."

"Yeah, I've noticed, Ben. You do tend to put things off. I've just got a few more things I want to pick up for you and I'll be finished."

"Me? I thought we decided on the bracelets for each other. What do you mean, a few more things?"

We'd had a long talk about what to get each other. We wanted it to be special but not too obvious, so Joey's family wouldn't notice and think too much of it. Matching rings or earrings were out and Joey already wore a neck chain with a crucifix, so we decided on simple gold chains for our wrists.

"Well, that's our real present to each other, but I want to get you a few smaller things." It was a sweet thought, but that meant I had even more shopping to do now. "Do you still think you'll have time to go toy shopping Wednesday?"

"No problem, Joey. I want to get lots of stuff for Connor."

"You know you don’t have to do that. He gets so many gifts from everyone in the family."

"I know, but I've never had a kid to shop for before. I want to do it."

"Are you sure you'll get everything done?"

"Yeah, I know what I'm getting everyone, it's just a question of doing it. I'm off Friday so I'll finish up then."

"Shopping on Christmas Eve? That's really going down to the wire."

"I'm not as bad as I sound. I always go into the city to have dinner with my father on Christmas Eve so I'm used to finishing my shopping then."

Joey's face fell. "You're going to be in New York Friday night?"

"Yeah, what's the problem?"

"Well, I was kind of hoping you'd come to midnight Mass with me."

"Joey, you know I don’t go to church."

"On Sundays, sure, but this is Christmas. Besides, we're both going to be tied up with our families on Saturday, so I was hoping we could at least see each other Friday night. Plus, I think Mom is starting to warm up to you. It wouldn't hurt to score a few brownie points with her."

I really didn't want to go to church but I hated to disappoint him. And God knows I could use all the help I could get with his mother. I knew I could be home from the city in plenty of time, but still…

"I'll think about it, babe, but don’t count on it."

"What have you got against church? You used to be into it. Didn't you say you were an altar boy when you were a kid? Don’t tell me some priest molested you."

"No, nothing like that. Maybe if that had happened I would have stayed with the Church, depending on the priest, of course."

"Ben, you may be a slut but I don’t think even you would do a priest."

I laughed. "You're right, Joey, especially when I was that age. Someday I'll tell you all about my falling out with the Church but it's not a Christmas story. Later."

"Okay, but I'll hold you to that. And think about Friday. I'd really like to be with you then, even if just for a few minutes in church."

Joey

For some reason Ben seemed uncomfortable talking about church so I changed the subject. Maybe he was just tired. Christmas season always gave me an energy boost but I knew it affected some people the opposite way. We talked about bowling for a while but when we finished our beer I decided not to have a second and to call it a night. Ben was fading and I didn't want to keep him out late.

I left work a little early on Tuesday and drove out to the adult bookstore on Route 10. I'd been past the place a thousand times but had never been inside. I wanted to get a few gag gifts for Ben to prove I wasn't the naïve kid he thought I was. As I got out of the car I was overcome with paranoia. I was sure that every car passing on the highway was someone I knew and by the weekend everyone in my family would know I'd been to the porn store. I hurried into the building, keeping my head down and turned away from the road. There were only a few customers in the place and I didn't recognize anyone.

I wandered around the store, amazed at the assortment of merchandise. Some of it was silly, some very erotic. And some just confusing. Maybe I was naïve after all because I couldn't figure out what some of the stuff was. I didn't have any idea what I wanted to get Ben. The guy behind the counter seemed to be checking me out so I thought that he might be gay. I got up my courage and asked him to suggest something funny for a gay guy who referred to himself as a slut. He pointed out an enormous dildo that was supposedly made from a porn star, although I couldn't imagine that anyone was that big. I decided that it was so outrageous that Ben would know right away it was a gag, so I bought it.

After paying for my purchase, I stuck my head through a doorway into the back and saw a few guys loitering in a hall lined with booths. From the signs I guessed that was where the videos were shown. A door opened toward the back and a cute little naked butt backed out. It was attached to a young guy with his pants around his knees. He quickly slid through the doorway into the next booth. Just as the door closed he turned slightly and I caught his face in profile. Chad! I turned and rushed to the front door, not wanting to run into Chad in a place like that.

All the way home I wondered what he was doing there. I mean, I knew what went on there. Not only had I spent many an evening listening to Ben and Becky discuss the trashier side of local gay life, I'd often heard my brothers talk about guys who got blowjobs at that store. Not that they'd ever been there for that; I was sure they were just passing on gossip they'd heard. I'd known since the first time I met Chad and he came on to me in the men's room at the club that he was probably more of a slut than Ben had ever been, but I was still surprised to see him there. Maybe he and Paul had broken up. That thought pleased me. I didn't usually like thinking about bad things happening to people, but after the way Paul had hurt Ben he deserved a little unhappiness.

Wednesday after work I picked up Connor and went over to Ben's. Becky had agreed to baby-sit and fix dinner while I took Ben to Toys-R-Us. He went a bit overboard on the toy shopping but I couldn't stop him. In my family I was known as the out-of-control Santa so who was I to talk? When we got back to the house, Glenn had arrived and was playing with Connor in the family room. I had gifts for both Becky and Glenn in the car and I was going to go out and get them, but Ben pulled me aside and explained that he hadn't bought them anything yet, so we weren't going to be exchanging presents with them until next week. I should have guessed.

By Christmas Eve there was barely room to move in my bedroom. Wrapped presents were piled everywhere. Several of them were for Ben and I spent some time in late afternoon sneaking them out to the van. The rest would go downstairs in the morning so I had to get Ben's out of the house by then. Anthony and Gina and the kids came over for the traditional baccala dinner. Cod wasn't my favorite fish but Mom always did an amazing job on it. I wasn't quite in the festive mood, though. I still didn’t know if Ben was going to midnight Mass. Just after I put Connor to bed, he called with the news that he had just left his father's apartment for the train home and would meet me at St. Vincent's. I perked up now that I had something to look forward to.

A little after ten-thirty we all started getting bundled up to leave for church. The temperature had been dropping all day and it had clouded up. The weatherman had said there was an outside chance for a white Christmas. I was hoping for a light dusting because any more than that and the whole family would spend Christmas day plowing. Pop was staying home with Connor. There was very little chance he'd stay awake though the service even if he wanted to go. My nephew Tony chose to ride with Mom and me rather than be squeezed into the back seat of his parents' car with his two sisters. We were getting buckled in when Tony noticed all of the presents in the back.

"Wow, Uncle Joey, look at all the loot. Are any of these for me?"

"Hands off! No peeking." I didn't want him to notice that most of the gifts had Ben's name on them.

"Joey, how much shopping did you do? Your room is full and you have more here in the car?"

"We have a pretty big family, in case you haven't noticed, Ma. And my room isn't all that big."

"You spend too much on everybody. You should be saving for Connor's college education."

I rolled my eyes. "Ma, he's only eighteen months old. I think I have plenty of time to get ready for college." Tony was stifling a laugh in the backseat, trying not to be rude to his grandmother.

When we got to St. Vincent's I dropped Mom and Tony off and found a place to park less than a block far away. When I walked back, I saw my family gathered in the cold to the right of the front door. To my delight, Ben was there talking to Tony. It was freezing and people were going in so we didn't hang around very long. As we crowded through the doors I noticed the frown on Mom's face.

"You didn't tell me he was going to be here," she whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear.

"I invited him but I just found out a little while ago he was able to make it. What's the big deal?" I whispered back, much more softly.

"Well, do you really think he belongs here?"

"I don’t think the roof's gonna fall in on us, if that's what you're worried about." So much for the idea of Mom warming up to Ben.

Ben

I took the train into the city late Friday morning. At Penn Station I caught a cab to Rockefeller Center. I had to see the tree before I did my shopping on Fifth Avenue. As I looked up at it across the skating rink I thought how nice it would be to have Joey and Connor with me. Next year I'd bring them. Connor would love it and I'd love experiencing it with Joey. I walked over to Fifth Avenue and got down to business. I could have gone to most of the same shops at the Short Hills Mall, but Fifth Avenue was more festive. Besides, Dad lived only a few blocks away.

I hadn't seen him since early fall. We weren't very close, obviously. There were no problems between us, but we didn’t have much in common. He had moved into the city when I was nine and he was always working before that so I didn’t see that much of him while I was growing up. I guess we had never had a chance to bond. And even though Lori was near my age, I didn’t have much in common with her either. If she had been more like Becky, maybe we could have had a fun relationship, but I had the feeling that she was pretty much like what Mother had been at that age.

Dad and I talked on the phone every week or so, but I hadn't told him about Joey. I figured big news like that should be delivered in person. Apparently, Dad and I had that in common, anyway, because when I got to their townhouse and saw Lori I realized he had withheld some news himself.

"Surprise, Ben! You’re going to have a baby sister in early May."

"Wow! That is a surprise. Congratulations, Lori, Dad." I was stunned. I was just starting to get used to the idea of being a stepfather of sorts to Connor. Now I was going to have to learn how to be a big brother. Dad and Lori were ecstatic. All of the conversation over cocktails (Perrier for Lori) was about the baby and the new nursery they were having decorated upstairs. I couldn't help but wonder if Dad had been that excited when Mother was pregnant with me. Over dinner they finally wound down and I had a chance to tell them my news.

"I'm glad you've found someone, son, and I hope it works out for you. Is this Joe another father-figure type?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, I know I was a pretty poor father. I wasn't ever there for you. I always assumed that was what you were looking for in Paul, a substitute father."

"I never really looked at him quite that way, but maybe he was that, a little anyway. But Joey is nothing like Paul. You wouldn't believe how different he is." I told them all about Joey, his family, and finally about Connor.

"It sounds like you're getting lots of practice with babies, Ben. You'll be a pro by the time Courtney is born."

"Courtney?"

"That's Lori's name for the baby this week. Don’t get used to it. She'll go through lots more before May. So when are we going to meet this Joey? You sound pretty taken with him."

"Soon, Dad. After the holidays we'll have to get together. And I'm more than taken with Joey. I'm in love with him."

Dad and Lori were going to midnight Mass at St. Patrick's Cathedral, so I left them to get ready. Just talking about Joey over dinner had made me miss him so much that I called him in the cab and told him I'd meet him at church. When I got off the train in Madison I decided to leave the car in the station parking lot and walk to St. Vincent's. It was only a few blocks up the hill and I might not find a place to park any nearer anyway. Before I’d gone a block I wished I'd driven. It was so much colder in the suburbs than it had been in the city. I was freezing by the time I got to the church and was relieved to see Joey's family already there. Joey joined us in a minute and we went inside.

Mrs. Napoli's comments on the way in made it clear that she wasn't feeling any kinder toward me. Joey sat between us in the pew. I hadn't been to church since college, but as soon as the service started it felt like it had only been weeks instead of years. Although I'd never been in St. Vincent's, it felt like home. The Church does a pretty good job at indoctrination. When Joey got up for communion, I remained seated.

"You're not taking communion?"

I shook my head. "I haven't been to confession in years."

"Why am I not surprised?" Mrs. Napoli muttered as she squeezed past me. Somehow I didn't think I was earning any brownie points.

Joey

On the way back to my seat after communion I scanned the crowd for the rest of my family. I knew that everyone, with the probable exception of John and Vinnie, would be there. I saw Donna Marie, Sal and the kids across from where Ben, Mom and I were sitting, but that was about it. When the service ended I saw the others as we were inching our way toward the door. Everyone was waiting outside. Ben hung back as I greeted them all. It was late and freezing so we didn't talk long. As our crowd was breaking up I was hoping to get a minute alone with Ben.

"Where'd you park, Ben?"

"Down at the train station. I walked up."

"We'll give you a ride back. It's too cold to walk."

"Why don’t you go ahead with your friend, Joey? I'll get a ride with Donna Marie." I was both relieved and disappointed by Mom's suggestion. She was being very rude to Ben, but that meant I could have a few minutes alone with him. I said goodnight to the others and led Ben to the car.

"I'm really sorry about Mom, Ben. I thought she was getting better."

"That's okay, Joey. I know it's important to you, but she doesn't really bother me that much. I just became aware of a more pressing problem, though."

"What's that?" I didn't like the sound of that.

"Your nephew, the one who looks a lot like you, the one who was just talking to Sal."

"That would be James, Vinnie's oldest. What's the problem with him? I don’t think he even looked at you."

"Yeah, he did. When we first walked out the door he was staring at me, but when I looked back he averted his eyes. He's the kid who saw us kissing at the nursery. He knows, Joey."

"No way! If he'd said anything to Vinnie you know I would have heard about it. You've gotta be mistaken."

"I wish I was, but I'm sure it was him. He looked familiar at the time and now I know why. He not only looks like you but he was at your house on Thanksgiving."

I unlocked the car and we got in. I still didn't want to believe it was James. If it was him, why hadn't he said anything?

"I'll try to talk to him tomorrow, Ben. Maybe it was him but he didn't realize we were kissing. Maybe he thought we were just goofing around."

"Maybe." Ben didn’t sound at all like he believed that. I didn’t either but I didn’t know what else to think.

I drove him down to the train station lot and parked next to his car. I knew James was a potential problem but I didn’t want to think about it. It was late and we both had a long day tomorrow. I just wanted to enjoy the moment with Ben. I turned sideways in the driver's seat and smiled at him.

"Merry Christmas, Ben."

"Merry Christmas, Joey." He smiled back at me. He leaned across the console and kissed me. I put my hands on either side of his head and pulled him closer, drawing him into a long passionate kiss.

"Have a great time at your mother's tomorrow, Ben. Give her my best."

"You have a great time, too, but you don’t have to say anything to your mother for me. She'll probably prefer it that way." He smiled again.

"Oh, she'll get over it, sooner or later."

"Yeah, keep dreaming. I'm not holding my breath. Goodnight, Joey. See you Sunday."

"Goodnight, babe. Sunday."

I was up early and as usual Mom was hard at work in the kitchen, except she was already working on dinner. We had a quick breakfast and went into the living room to open our gifts. With just the three of us we never made too big a fuss over it, but most of the presents were for Connor. He had no idea what was going on but he had a good time anyway. I think he probably would have been just as happy playing with the wrapping paper as with his toys, though.

Afterwards, I went back into the kitchen with Mom and she put me to work. I'd always loved to cook and Mom had taught me everything, so we worked well together. She wouldn't let me near the brachiolona, though. Her recipe for the stuffed pork roast was one of the few secrets she kept from me. Around noon I heard loud voices in the front of the house and a minute later Rita came into the kitchen. That meant Vinnie's family had arrived. When Donna Marie walked in a few minutes later the women practically pushed me out of the kitchen. I joined the growing crowd in the living room. Pop was in his recliner and Sal and Vinnie were on the couch talking to him. The little kids were on the floor watching TV. Over near the tree James was on the floor playing with Connor No one was paying any attention so I decided to take advantage of the opportunity. I went over and squatted next to him. He only gave me a quick glance, then looked back at Connor.

"Hey, Uncle Joey. Connor was just showing me some of his presents."

"Yeah, like he has a clue what's going on. Um, James, can I talk to you for a minute?"

He put his head down and looked away. He seemed very uncomfortable.

"About what?"

"My friend Ben said he saw you at the nursery when I was helping him pick out a tree last week but you ran off. I think maybe you saw something you didn’t understand and I wanted to explain."

Now he was definitely uncomfortable. His eyes jumped all around the room and he looked panicky.

"Uh, I didn’t see anything, Uncle Joey, I just realized I was gonna be late getting back to school so I had to go."

"Hey, what are you two whispering about over there? You can't keep secrets in this family, you know." James nearly jumped out of his skin.

I turned and Vinnie was halfway across the room. "James and I were just playing with Connor, Vin."

"James, why don’t you go give your grandfather a hand in the cellar? He just went down to get some of his homemade wine."

"Uh, sure, Dad." He jumped up and was across the room like a shot. Vinnie looked after him, shaking his head.

"Weird kid. He's always been a quiet one but ever since puberty he's been so moody."

"It's hormones, Vinnie. We all went through it."

"Don’t I remember. But I went kind of wild for a few years. He's just the opposite. Usually he's all excited about Christmas but the past week or so I don't think I've heard him say two words. Weird. I suppose I shouldn't complain, though. At least he never gets into any kind of trouble."

"Yeah, he's a good kid, Vin."

Just then John and Carla arrived with their brood so I pushed thoughts of James out of my mind. I had no idea what was going on in his head but apparently he wasn't talking to Vinnie so I didn’t have anything to worry about, for now at least. He seemed really bothered by the whole thing so I'd have to sit down with him for a talk after the holidays. It looked like I was going to have lots of talks after the holidays. I'd been putting it off for a while, but the time was drawing near. But today, it was Christmas and a time to party.

Ben

Mother, Sam and I had our usual quiet holiday at the house in Short Hills. While Mother generally favored catered parties, Christmas was the one dinner she insisted on cooking herself. We opened our gifts in the living room and then Mother went to the kitchen while Sam and I settled in the den. He mixed a couple of martinis.

"So how is everything going with Joey, Ben? He seems to be a fine young man. And a great cook, too. You've got yourself quite a catch there."

"He's doing great, Sam. We're doing great. I'm really crazy about him."

"Good. I like him quite a lot. He seems to be good for you, too."

"He is. And since you've brought up the subject, I wanted to ask you about this change in attitude of yours. I know you like me, but I've always had the feeling that my being gay made you a bit uncomfortable. Not that you had a real problem with it, but maybe you would just prefer to ignore it."

"I'll admit that when I was first seeing your mother I wasn't very comfortable with you being gay. Of course, you were in college and I didn’t see much of you so it took a while before I got to know you. By the time things had gotten serious between Gale and me, you were seeing Paul, so I think for a long while my feelings about you being gay were tied in to my feelings about Paul."

"Paul? What's he got to do with it?"

"I suppose I can tell you now. I never liked Paul very much. He's a good man, I guess, but I didn’t like his attitude toward you, the way he treated you. No one else seemed to mind, so I kept my mouth shut. But I always thought he took you for granted and never appreciated what a great person you were."

Wow! I never expected anything like that from Sam. He'd always been polite and respectful toward me, though a bit distant. But he apparently had strong positive feelings about me as an individual, not just as my mother's son. And he liked Joey, too.

Mother stuck her head into the room to announce that dinner was ready. Over dinner, I broke the news about Dad and Lori. Mother was quiet for a few minutes while she thought about it.

"Well, let's hope he gets it right this time."

"He wasn't that bad a father, you know."

"I know that he loved you, but he just wasn't very grown up and didn’t seem to know how to show it. Maybe he's finally grown up, although marrying a woman half his age wasn't a great indication of that. But I'm happy for them. I hope it works out for all three of them."

"Speaking of babies, you guys have got to meet Connor. He's such a fantastic kid. You'll love him. I really went overboard shopping for him for Christmas."

Mother looked at me with a bemused look on her face. "Your father taking another stab at parenthood and you with a baby. Two things I never thought I'd see."

Joey

Sunday I slept in for a change. The family holiday had worn me out. I even skipped church, although since I'd gone Friday night I didn’t feel too guilty. Around noon I packed a cooler with leftovers and put it in the van. Then Connor and I went over to Ben's house for another Christmas. We spent an hour on the floor of the family room opening gifts. Ben knew I liked reading mysteries and he got me a whole series of books about a gay journalist detective. He liked seventies soul music and I'd found a few greatest hits-type cds. We each bought the other some clothing as well. He was blown away by the dildo I'd bought him.

"I know I'm a slut of a bottom, but even I might have a problem taking this, Joey."

"Bottom? That's what Becky called you a while back. She said you could explain what that meant better than she could."

Ben explained that while he was pretty reciprocal in most sexual activities, when it came to making love he much preferred being on the receiving end. From the few times we'd done that I knew that he liked it and I wanted to know more about what he liked, but I'd never gotten around to asking.

"So then you're exclusively a bottom? Haven't you ever tried it the other way?"

"Oh sure, in college I topped a few times. It was okay, but I like getting fucked so much more. And that worked out fine with Paul because he's a total top. And you seem to like that, too."

"Yeah, I do, but I wasn't sure how this was supposed to work. I was wondering if maybe we were supposed to switch around."

"Do you think you'd like to try switching, Joey?"

"I don’t know. I feel like I should try everything, that I want to experience everything with you. If you let me make love to you then I should let you make love to me. I never had any kind of fantasies about being on the receiving end and I'm not really sure it would work, though. I mean, it looks like it would hurt. But I think I should at least try it sometime. What do you think?"

"I think that as long as we both enjoy it when you make love to me then you don’t have to worry about whether things are 'equal' between us. But if you really want to try being on the bottom, I don’t have a problem with that. You have such a beautiful ass that even this bottom boy has had some top thoughts about you now and then. I'd be happy to oblige you in whatever you want."

"I do think I'd like to try it but there's no rush. We'll try it sometime when it feels right."

I heated up the food I'd brought over and we had an informal second Christmas dinner. We played with Connor for a while afterward and then put him to bed for his nap. Then we retired to Ben's bed for a little fun. I made slow passionate love to him. Knowing now that this was the way he wanted it, that I didn’t have to be worried about reciprocating, made me so much more relaxed. I got to do what felt right to me and I enjoyed it more than ever. From Ben's reaction, he seemed to have a pretty good time, too.

We cuddled for a long time as we came down from our orgasmic high. I think maybe we both dozed off for a few minutes. Holding Ben in my arms just felt so good, so right. We talked at length about our family holidays. Ben told me about his father's surprise and dinner at his mother's. I told him about my family gathering.

"Did you get a chance to talk to James?"

"I started to but we got interrupted. I definitely had the impression that he didn't want to talk about it, though. I can't begin to guess what he thinking, but he hasn't said anything to anyone else so far."

"Maybe he can't accept it and doesn't want to have to deal with it. Lots of times family members prefer to live in denial, even when it's right in front of them."

"Could be, but I'm still going to try to talk to him after the holidays. It's obviously bothering him. It looks like I'll be talking to everyone soon. Maybe I should just call a big family meeting."

"You know your family better than I do, but I think I'd rather take them on a couple at a time. All of them at once would intimidate the hell out of me."

"You're probably right about coming out gradually, though once I start the word will spread in about two seconds. I think I should start with my parents, although that means waiting a while longer."

"Starting to procrastinate, Joey?"

"You know me better than that, Ben. You're the professional procrastinator. But since my brothers and sister and I chipped in to give my parents a trip to Italy, I'm going to have to wait until they get back."

"I forgot about that. When are they leaving?"

"January 6. They'll be gone ten days. It's not the best time of year, weather-wise, but it's the best time for Pop to be away from the business."

"It's still a very nice vacation. Both of your parents were born in Italy, weren't they?"

"Yeah, but their families came here when they were little and they've never been back. They've got lots of family over there they've never met so it should be a wonderful time for them. I'd love to go there sometime, myself."

"No reason we couldn't go, Joey. I'd love to see Italy."

"Don’t tempt me. A romantic vacation with you would be heaven. But having my parents away will be like a vacation for us, too. We'll be able to spend a lot more time together without them wondering about it."

"So who's going to watch Connor while your mother is away? You still have to go to work."

"It's the slowest time of year for the nursery so I can get away with only working part-time. Between all of the women in the family I'll patch together coverage for Connor."

"Maybe my mother could help. She wants to meet Connor anyway. While she's quite different from your mother, she did a pretty good job raising me."

"That's an idea. Or how about this? You could take a day off from work and watch him. You might even get to change your first diaper."

"I think we'd better save that as a last resort, Joey."