Second Wind

Chapter Eighteen

Joey

Because of the holidays, neither of our leagues bowled on the Monday after Christmas. Ben and I considered meeting at Uncle Angelo's anyway, maybe a little earlier than usual, but because we were going to be getting together a few other times during the week I didn't want Mom complaining that I was spending too much time with him. I was getting close to the time when I would come out to my parents and I didn't want to rock the boat until I was ready. Wednesday night we had dinner with Glenn and Becky at Ben's house. I cooked, of course, chicken cacciatore served with linguine. Ben was getting pretty good at making Caesar salad to go with it.

The food was nearly done when Becky and Glenn arrived so I put it in the oven to keep it warm while we had drinks in the family room and swapped stories of our holiday. When we moved into the dining room, Ben held Connor while I brought in the food. I prepared a small plate for Connor and then put him on the chair next to me. I told the others about our little problem with James as I fed Connor.

"Maybe he's gay, too, Joey. That could be why he's acting strange."

"I hope not, Becky. I can’t imagine how Vinnie would react to that. Besides, if he were gay I think he'd want to talk to me about what he saw. He wouldn't be practically running away from me."

"You never know, Joey. He knows his father better than anyone. If he is gay he's probably scared to death."

"Well, I don’t think that's it, Ben, but I'm going try to talk to him soon so I'll find out."

"It doesn’t sound like you're making much headway with Joey's mother, Ben. Even going to church didn't help. I wish I'd been there to see that."

"The service was actually kinda nice, Beck. If it had been just me and Joey I would have liked it."

"I think Mom has mixed feelings about Ben. She doesn't like him because he's gay and so she can't imagine why I want to spend so much time with him, but she's glad I'm getting out of the house and doing things with people. She's stopped bugging me every time I tell her I'm coming over here, although she usually makes a face. I think it's good for Connor to get out of the house and see new people, too."

"It's too bad there aren't any kids his age for him to play with. Aren't any of your nieces and nephews close to his age?"

"The closest in age would be John's son, Robbie. He's five and that's quite a difference. And Vinnie's son Mike is seven. Then I have a couple of nieces who are nine and the rest are all lots older."

"Maybe you could put him in day care once a week. He really should be around other kids now and then."

"My mother would have a stroke if I even suggested that, Ben. And if she thought it was your idea she'd put out a contract out on you."

"Well, it was just a suggestion."

"Maybe it's time to change the topic of conversation, boys. This chicken is fabulous, Joey. You'll have to give me your recipe."

"I'll write it down before you leave, Becky. It's really pretty simple."

"I watched you make it, Joey. That wasn't simple. Simple would be taking it out of the freezer and popping it into the microwave. Anything more than that is complicated to me."

"You're hopeless, Ben. It's a good thing you have Joey to cook for you."

"Yeah, I think maybe I will have to join Joey's gym. Otherwise I'll put on a hundred pounds when he moves in and starts feeding me full-time."

"'When' Joey moves in, not 'if'? Have you been keeping things from me, Ben?" Becky was surprised, but no more than me. I'd occasionally thought how nice it would be if Ben and I could live together, but we had never discussed it at all. It was something that I assumed would happen, but not for a long time.

"Well, of course we're going to live together, sooner or later. I'm not talking about next week or anything soon like that, but sometime."

Ben warmed up an apple pie and served it with vanilla ice cream for an All-American dessert. I poured the coffee and asked Becky and Glenn about their plans for New Year's Eve.

"We're going into the city."

"I'm hope you're not going to Times Square."

"No, Joey, I did that once when I was in college and once is enough. An old friend lives on the Upper West Side and he always has a party on New Year's Eve so I've decided that's a good opportunity for Becky to meet my friends."

"Are you boys staying in on Friday?"

"It looks that way, Beck."

I looked at Ben in surprise. "What about that party you were telling me about last week? I had the impression you wanted to go to it."

"Well, you didn't seem very interested. You said you'd think about it and since that was over a week ago and you haven't said anything, I assumed you didn't want to go."

Ben had been invited to a party by a couple of guys from his old neighborhood. His and Paul's old neighborhood. They were a couple around Paul's age and had a New Year's Eve party every year. It had been a tradition for Paul and Ben to go. When Ben told them about me, they insisted that he bring me. My first reaction had been definitely no way, but I didn't want to turn Ben down so I put it off, then forgot about it over the holiday weekend.

"Well, to be honest, it didn't sound like fun, going to the party you always went to with Paul, meeting tons of people who only knew you when you were with him. Plus, he'll probably be there, right?"

"I'm sure he will. That was something I thought about myself, but I've realized that I just don’t care about him anymore. Maybe it's because I'm with you now and I know how good we are together, maybe I finally realized that he was never what I thought he was. Whatever, I don’t care about running into him anymore."

"It's a nice party, Joey. I went with Paul and Ben the last few years. I did double duty as the token female and the token straight. Rob and Jim are both good guys."

"Then maybe we should go, Ben, if for no other reason than that we could be ourselves there."

"What do you mean, babe? We're always ourselves."

"Only when we're in this house. When we're out, like at the mall or the bowling alley or at church, we have to keep our distance. We have to pretend we're just friends. We've spent a lot of time running around the last couple of weeks and it's been so frustrating. I'm not used to having to hide my affections and I know you're not either. I know we have to wait until I talk to my family, but I don’t like it."

"It sounds like you're starting to feel a bit suffocated in the closet, Joey."

"I guess that's it, Glenn. I just want Ben and me to be able to act naturally in public."

"Coming out doesn't always solve that, Joey. Most of the gay people I know are pretty much out but they don’t make a public display of it. Even though nearly everyone who knew us knew that Paul and I were gay, he didn't like public shows of affection."

"Well, I have a problem keeping it in. My family is very physical and I grew up being able to be as affectionate as I wanted to be, with them and with Jenny. I just want the same thing with you."

"I want that too, Joey, so you won’t have any problem with me when you come out. But we're gonna face a lot of opposition. Lots of straight people get upset over gay people holding hands or kissing."

"That's their problem, not mine. Why should gay people have to be more sensitive than straight people? I shouldn't have to hold myself back because they have prejudices."

"You're not even out yet and you're sounding like a radical, Joey."

"I don’t see anything radical about it, Becky. I'm just a human being in love."

Ben

I was surprised that Joey wanted to go to Rob and Jim's party. I had mixed feelings about it myself, mostly about Paul being there, but that wasn't a big issue anymore. I could understand Joey wanting to go somewhere where we could be a couple, though. We stayed in a lot and had been to the club a few times, but other than that everywhere we went we were 'just friends', and I wasn't used to living that way. Plus, I really wanted to show him off to my old friends.

I'd told myself that the reason I hadn't kept in contact with them was that they were really Paul's friends, not mine. Maybe they were closer to Paul, since many of them were around his age and lived in the old neighborhood, but I knew that they liked me too. To be honest, being dumped like that had been humiliating and I was a bit embarrassed to see them. I knew now that there was nothing for me to be embarrassed about. It was Paul who had acted badly.

Since I generally liked to drink more than Joey he had offered to pick me up and be the designated driver for the evening. At seven he called and said something had come up that would delay him so it would work out better if I came over to his place at nine. He'd still drive, but he was tied up at home for a while. It didn't make much difference to me except that I'd been hoping to avoid seeing Mrs. Napoli.

I got to the house a few minutes early and Joey answered the door looking very stressed out. He led me into the living room and I saw that his parents had company. A middle-aged man and woman were sitting on the couch with Connor perched between them. I usually sensed a chill from Joey's mother but the atmosphere in the room was positively icy. The Napolis were acting the way the usually did when I was there but the other couple seemed even more uncomfortable. Joey was very antsy. Only Connor was oblivious, playing with a small toy truck, ignoring all of the grownups. He looked up at me as I entered the room and shouted, "Ben!"

"You got it, kid! That's the first time you didn't call me Loo." I crossed the room, picked him up and gave him a kiss. There hadn't been any conversation going on in the room when I got there but everyone just froze and stared at me. Joey jumped in.

"Folks, this is my friend, Ben Donnelly. Ben, this is Dave and Alice Reynolds." We all nodded at each other and Joey explained about Connor always identifying me with my dog. And then the conversation ground to a halt again.

"Well, I think I'll put Connor to bed now, if that's okay with everyone. Ben and I have to leave soon."

"Certainly. We wouldn't want you to be late for your party." Alice's voice was very cold and a touch sarcastic.

"Yes, Alice and I have to be leaving anyway," her husband added in a more civil tone.

Joey took Connor from me and headed for the stairs. I followed him up. At the top I whispered, "What's that all about?"

"Later," he whispered back.

We went into his room and I sat while he checked Connor's pampers and got him into his pajamas. When he was done he sat on the bed and held Connor to his chest, rocking back and forth slightly, humming a tune. He gently stroked Connor's head and back. Every time I saw him like that with Connor I fell in love with him all over again. Finally, he got up and tenderly placed Connor in the crib, kissing him goodnight. We went downstairs to find the Napolis alone in the living room. Joey said goodnight to his parents and I wished them a happy New Year and we left.

I handed Joey the keys to my car and he got behind the wheel. I got in the passenger side and we took off. He still hadn't said a word.

"It's always pretty tense at your house when I drop in, but I had the feeling that this time I wasn't to blame."

"You're right, Ben. Dave and Alice are Jenny's parents. They called and dropped in unexpectedly."

"I thought from what you said that they were like family to you, like a second set of parents."

"They were. When I was a kid I was at their house as much as my own. About a year after Jenny and I got married, Dave's company transferred him to Atlanta but we all visited back and forth several times a year and stayed close. When Connor was born and Jenny went into the coma they flew up immediately and were here when she died. We were all devastated but I think Alice and I were the worst. After the funeral they went back home, but I called them almost every day. They were my only link to Jenny."

"Aside from Connor, of course."

"Of course, but he was a newborn infant. He slept all the time. I had to talk to someone who knew what I was going through. I think Alice and I were pretty equally medicated. And then after about a month I got this awful letter from Dave. He told me to stop calling, that they didn't want to talk to me. He said it was all my fault, that if I hadn't wanted a baby so much Jenny wouldn't have died."

"No way. He couldn't seriously blame you for what happened."

"Yes, he could. I was totally blown away. To be honest, I'd felt guilty about Jenny right from the start and hearing it from him just destroyed me. I was worse than right after the funeral. I hardly got out of bed for a week. Connor was the only thing that kept me going and I wasn't much good to him. My mother called them and gave them hell but the end result was that I never heard from them again."

"But what about Connor? Jenny was their only child, which means he's their only grandchild. They couldn't just turn their back on him."

"Dave's letter made it clear that while they blamed me for Jenny's death, Connor was the one who had actually killed her and they wanted nothing to do with him."

"That's insane, blaming a baby for something like that. It had to be their grief talking, coupled with whatever medication they were taking."

"That's what I thought, but it's been a year and a half and they didn't seem much better tonight."

"But they came to see you."

"They came up for the holidays to visit relatives and friends. Everyone kept asking them about Connor and me and I don’t think they wanted people to know their true feelings, so they came over for a short visit. Now they can tell everyone they've seen us and pretend to be loving grandparents."

"What nasty people. Are you okay, Joey?"

"I'm not feeling great but I'll get over it. I wish they hadn't stopped by, but at least I know where I stand with them now. I've often wondered if they'd change their minds with time. I know I'm the designated driver tonight, but I'm going to have one drink when we get to the party. I need it."

"You can have more than that if you want. I'll abstain and drive home if you like."

"No, one will be fine. And it will be hours until I have to drive so it won’t be a problem."

Joey was quiet the rest of the drive to Maplewood. The more I learned about the tragedy he'd gone through the worse it sounded. I just wanted to take him in my arms and hold him but that would have to wait until we got to the party. Once when we stopped at a red light I took his right hand off the wheel and brought it to my mouth and kissed it lightly.

"What was that for?"

"I love you, that's all."

"That's all? That's everything, babe."

Joey

Dave and Alice were the last people I expected to see on New Year's Eve. I had put them so far out of my mind it was like they didn't exist. Fortunately, Pop answered the phone when they called. I wouldn't have been able to talk to them and Mom would have told them off. Neither of us was pleased when Pop told us they were coming over, but it was something that had to be done. They were coldly polite during the hour or so they were at the house. I put Connor on the couch with them, thinking that he was really the reason they had come, but they practically ignored him. Maybe if he didn't look so much like me they might have warmed up to him. By the time Ben arrived I was ready to run out of the house. I used him as an excuse to get Connor away from them and leave.

I calmed down driving to the party. Driving and following Ben's directions gave me something else to think about. And just being with Ben always made me feel good. The only thing I knew about Maplewood was what I'd seen from the train into the city, and that made it look like a nice town, but the neighborhood Ben directed me to blew me away. The houses all looked like mansions. I was very impressed when Ben pointed out Paul's house.

"Damn, you lived there? Paul must be rich."

"Well, I wouldn't call him rich but he's a very good lawyer and a partner in his firm, so he does all right."

The party was at a house right around the corner. It was even bigger than Paul's place.

"Is everyone we meet at this party going to be wealthy, Ben? I'm already feeling a little out of place. I mean, my family mows lawns for people like this."

"Not everyone who's going to be here lives in this neighborhood, Joey. And don't put down your family. You guys all work hard and have a business to be proud of. And don't forget, your family also mows my lawn, so money has nothing to do with that."

I tried not act too overwhelmed when we went into the house. It really was beautiful. Rob and Jim, our hosts, were very friendly and seemed genuinely pleased to meet me. They were somewhere in their forties, as were most of the guests. I looked around and saw that, due to Becky's absence, it was an all-male party and, I assumed, all gay. Rob directed us to the bar where we each got a martini. Ben seemed to know just about everyone there so he took me around and introduced me. I knew there was no way I was going to remember any of the names. Maybe over the course of the evening I'd remember one or two.

We'd made it about halfway though the living room when I heard a familiar voice behind us.

"Well, look who's finally decided to rejoin civilized society."

"Yeah, and he's brought his little stud-boy, too."

We turned and found ourselves face to face with Paul and Chad. As usual, Paul had his arm tightly around Chad's waist.

"So you two are still together. Must be love." Paul smiled but I noticed his eyes spent far more time on me than on Ben.

"Maybe stud-boy is just a very good fuck, Paul." Chad was checking both of us out.

"I'll bet he is, but we'll give them the benefit of the doubt. Ben loves a good fuck but he's also a hopeless romantic." The party had just begun but I could tell the drink in Paul's hand wasn't his first or second.

"You wouldn't know romance if it bit you on the ass, Paul. C'mon, Joey, let's mingle." Ben took my hand and led me away from them.

"Are you okay, Ben?"

"I'm fine, babe. He doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, he's pretty pathetic, hanging onto that twink, trying to put me down."

Ben continued introducing me to the other guests. At first I kept an eye on Paul and Chad, trying to steer clear of them, but after a while I put them out of my head and began to enjoy myself. I even forgot about Dave and Alice. Maybe it was the drink, maybe it was being at my first gay party, but I had a good time. Ben's friends were nice people and Ben was obviously having a great time seeing them all again. He and Rob were talking to a couple when I noticed Ben's glass was empty. I hadn't quite finished my drink but I'd had enough. I offered to go to the bar in the dining room to get Ben a refill.

Jim was tending bar so there was a familiar face and a name I remembered. He was chatting with an older black man. Jim introduced him as Michael and they continued their conversation as Jim mixed another martini for Ben.

"I just don’t understand what he sees in that kid. Sure he's a little hottie, but he's obnoxious. And rumor has it, he's a slut as well." I had an idea who Michael was talking about and it was confirmed when I followed his gaze across the room and saw Paul and Chad.

Jim sighed. "It's more than just a rumor, but Paul's blinded by love, or at least by lust. To hear him talk, Chad walks on water."

"You know something I don't? What's the dirt?"

"Well, you didn't hear it from me, but…you know that Rob and I take the dogs up to the Reservation for exercise on the weekends. All four of us can use the walk. Anyway, one day last fall we were walking past the cruising area and we saw Chad. He was about forty feet in from the road, pants around his ankles, bent over grabbing a tree, getting fucked by two guys."

"Two?" I blurted. I had been trying to act like I wasn't listening too closely, but the idea of sex with two guys at once shocked me.

"Yeah, Joey, they were tag teaming him and he seemed to be having a blast."

"Well, for Paul's sake I hope they were using condoms," Michael muttered.

"We weren't close enough to tell and we didn't want Chad to notice us watching, but I assume they were. Whatever else his faults might be, Chad is no fool."

I felt like I shouldn't be listening to them talk about two guys who had a connection to Ben so I thanked Jim for the drink and left. I'd just stepped into the hall when I nearly bumped into Chad.

"You look even hotter in regular light, Joe. Most people look better in dark clubs."

"Uh, thanks. Where's Paul?" I looked around and didn't see him anywhere.

"Bathroom, I guess. How about you and me slipping upstairs for a while? With all of their old friends here I'm sure neither Paul nor Ben will even notice we're gone. I could probably show you a few things Ben's never even heard of."

"I told you before, Chad, I'm not interested. Paul may not be enough for you, but Ben is plenty for me."

"That still doesn't mean you can't have a little fun on the side."

"It does for me. And if fidelity doesn't mean anything to you, it may to Paul. What does he think of your propositioning every guy you meet?" Ben had told me some couples had various kinds of open relationships, but I just couldn't imagine doing that.

"Oh, he just thinks I'm a natural flirt. As far as anything beyond that, I figure, what he doesn't know won't hurt him." He reached out and ran his hand up and down my upper arm. I shrugged his hand away.

"You keep this up and he just might find out."

"You let me worry about that. He's so into me he'll put up with just about anything. I can control whatever comes up."

"Well, nothing is coming up here. Excuse me." I went to move past him.

"Oh c'mon, I'm in the mood for a hot Italian sausage." He grabbed my crotch and gave it a squeeze. I jumped back and jerked my arm. Only half-accidentally I tossed Ben's fresh martini in Chad's face.

"Oops, sorry about that, Chad. You took me by surprise." I turned and headed back to Jim at the bar, leaving Chad with gin running down his shirt.

Jim looked up, surprised. "What happened? You didn't even have time to get that back to Ben. Were you thirsty?"

I just shook my head. "Don't ask."

Ben

Rob and Joey and I had been talking about people in the neighborhood but as soon as Joey left to get me a drink Rob switched the conversation to Joey.

"He is sooo adorable, Ben. Wherever did you find him? He's not exactly your usual type, though, is he?"

"I've given up on trying to figure out types, Rob. All I know is that my type is a guy named Joey Napoli."

"Well, I wish you the best of luck, though I don’t think you guys need it. You look perfect together. There's a comfort and ease between you that's obvious, like you belong together and you both know it."

"Yeah, that pretty much says it all. I love him so much and have never felt so right about anything. And I'm pretty sure Joey feels the same way."

"Unlike another new couple I could name."

"Anyone I know, Rob?"

He rolled his eyes. "I think Paul's going through a midlife crisis. I have no idea what he sees in Chad other than a pretty face and a hot bod, which is fine for a fling but hard to base a relationship on. Chad can be fun and personable in small doses, but he's just so into himself. He's got Paul wrapped around his little finger."

"Well, as long as Paul's happy. He's a big boy and he should know what he's doing." I really didn't care. Paul was no longer my concern.

"I don’t know about that. The last few times we've had them over Paul has been drinking more than usual. He never seems sure of himself where Chad is concerned, for good reason, although that isn't like Paul. He's constantly trying to please Chad, buying him anything he wants, doing anything he wants. He told me he actually lets Chad top him now and then, and you know that isn't our Paul."

"No, I know that better than anyone." In our ten years together Paul had been an exclusive top. He hadn't been a bottom even once. Not that I objected. Somehow it wouldn't have seemed right for me to try to fuck him. "But you can't expect me to have any sympathy for him if things aren't going the way he'd hoped. I know you care because he's your friend, but we didn't part as friends, thanks to him. I don't wish him anything bad, but he's just not part of my life anymore."

"I'm glad you've moved on and are doing so well, Ben. You're a very decent guy." He shook his head. "Paul never did realize what a good thing he had. He never really appreciated you."

Just then Joey returned with a drink for me and a mischievous look on his face.

"What have you been up to, babe?"

"Just mingling."

The rest of the party was fun. It was a big house and there were lots of people so we didn't run into Paul and Chad much. They almost seemed to be avoiding us, which was fine with me. We had the big countdown at midnight and Joey and I shared a kiss that I thought might last the whole new year. We said our goodbyes to Rob and Jim and left a little after one. True to his word Joey had stuck to bottled water after the first drink. Good thing because I'd had plenty and was in no condition to drive.

"So did you have a good time, Joey?" I asked as we pulled away.

"Yeah, I did. You have some nice friends."

"I'm glad you feel that way. I realized tonight how much I've missed some of them. I was thinking that maybe we could have a little dinner party sometime soon. Nothing big like tonight, just a few other couples."

"That would be nice. I liked Rob and Jim a lot."

"You've already dazzled them with your beauty and personality, now you can wow them with your culinary skills."

Joey was quiet for a while, like he was deep in thought.

"What's the Reservation, Ben?"

"Where'd you hear about that?"

"A couple of guys at the bar were talking and I didn't know what they meant."

"It's a huge county park up the hill from where we were. There's a big gay cruising area there that's been active for decades. I'm not surprised it was a topic of conversation. What were they saying?"

Joey told me Jim's story about Chad and the two guys in the woods. It shouldn't have surprised me; after all, Chad had propositioned me at the club. But I thought he'd be more discreet than a fuck in a public park. I thought about what Rob had said about Chad topping Paul.

"Well, I hope they're all using condoms. Back when I moved in with Paul we stopped because we were both negative."

"Like us?"

"Yeah, except you and I are monogamous. And Paul and I were back then. But I hope Paul isn't trusting that kid too much."

"It's not your concern, Ben. As you've said, Paul is a big boy."

"I know, but after all that time with him I can't help but worry. Maybe I should talk to him, make sure he's being careful."

"That could be a very sticky situation. He'd probably be offended that you were sticking your nose into his business. Besides, he put you in danger, cheating on you. You don’t owe him anything."

"I know, but I can't help worrying."

"I know you're concerned, that's just the way you are. That's one of the reasons I love you so much. But you've got to let people live their own lives."

Joey was right. It was none of my business. I put my head back and tried to block it out of my mind. When we got back to Madison, Joey turned to me.

"How are we gonna do this with the car, Ben? If I drop you off at your place then your car is going to end up at my house. Or you could come home with me and spend the night at my place."

"Your parents aren't ready for that, and I don’t think you are either."

"I mean you could stay in the guest room. I know I'm not ready for Mom to walk in on us in bed."

"I think your mother would freak out either way. Better for my car to be at your house in the morning than me. Just take me home and we'll worry about the car tomorrow."

"Yeah, I guess you're right, but I wish you weren't. I hate having to leave you at night all the time."

"Me too, but it's the way things are right now. But as Diana Ross sang, 'Someday, we'll be together.'"

"As long as it's someday soon."

Joey drove me home and we sat in the driveway and kissed for a while. I reluctantly got out of the car and went into the house. Thank God for Lula's enthusiastic greeting. Like Joey, I hated ending these evenings with him alone. He was planning to talk to his parents soon. It couldn't be soon enough for me.