Second Wind

Chapter Nineteen

Ben

For several days I couldn't stop thinking about Paul and Chad. I knew they were none of my business and Paul was a part of my past, but I couldn't help but be concerned. Paul had certainly treated me badly last spring and hadn't been very nice the few times I'd seen him since then, but he had been a huge part of my life for a lot of years and I knew deep down he wasn't a bad person. From the little I knew of Chad I thought he probably was a bad person, but that was really between the two of them. And normally I wouldn't stick my nose in if I found out someone I knew was cheating on their partner, but Chad's deception could be very dangerous to Paul. I had talked about it with Joey in the car on the way home from the party and brought it up again a few days later.

"I know you mean well, babe, but I have a feeling Paul may not take it that way, especially coming from you."

"That's why I should be the one to talk to him. I know those guys at the party. They'll all talk behind his back forever, but none of them will have the guts to say anything to his face. They know how proud Paul is and don’t want to lose a friend."

"And you have nothing to lose as far as he's concerned. What can he do to you at this point -- never talk to you again?"

"If I'm lucky. I really don’t care how he takes it. I know I'll feel better if I warn him. Then I can just forget about it and put that little slut out of my head."

"Okay, call him if you want, but try to be as tactful as you can. There's no point in making things worse between the two of you."

I waited until after lunch the next day at work. Paul frequently had a drink at lunch, especially if he was with a client, so there was a good chance he'd be feeling good. He sounded friendlier than at any time since before we broke up so I guessed he must have had a very good lunch.

"It was good to see you at the party the other night, Ben. Everybody has been asking me about you and I never knew what to tell them."

"Well, I know I've been hibernating but from now on I'll keep in touch with people so maybe they won't bother you anymore."

"So is there a specific reason for this call? I assume you didn't call just to chat."

"Yeah, there is, but before I start, I just want to say that you know I'm not usually one to pry or spread gossip, or stick my nose in where it isn't wanted."

"With an intro like that I assume you are now going to do just that, though. But go ahead, I'll stop you if you go too far."

"Okay, but please hear me out. As I said, I normally wouldn't get involved, but I still do care what happens to you. You may remember that right after I moved in with you we stopped using condoms, since we were a couple and figured we didn't need them."

"Yeah, but that was years ago. What does that have to do with anything now?"

"I was thinking that maybe you and Chad had decided the same thing."

"Well, you've already reached the point where this is none of your business, so you might as well stop there."

"I know you think it's none of my business and I'm not asking you any questions or trying to get information out of you. I just want to say my piece and then you do what you want."

"And what's your piece, Ben?"

"Well, at the party I heard talk that maybe Chad isn't being quite as monogamous as you think. So, knowing how we were back in the beginning, I wanted you to be aware of that."

There was a long silence at the other end of the line and then he spoke, very calmly and deliberately.

"You surprise me, Ben. You never used to be a vindictive bitch."

"What do you mean? It gives me no pleasure to tell you what I heard but I thought you should know."

"Yeah, right. I know I hurt you last year, and I told you at the time that I didn’t want to and wished there was another way, but for you to still be holding a grudge after all this time…Especially now that you're with Joey. I was glad that you'd found someone else and appeared to be happy but apparently you're still living in the past, bitter about being dumped. I feel sorry for that hot stud you're seeing. Does he know you haven't gotten over me?"

"Oh, believe me, I'm over you, Paul. And I love Joey like I never loved you. I just wanted to pass on what I heard." I could have added that Chad had made passes at Joey and me as well, but didn't want to push it.

"If people were talking about nonsense like that at the party, I can guess who started it. A jealous ex."

"Oh c'mon, Paul, you know I'm not like that."

"I know you didn't used to be but you obviously are now. And I don’t want to hear any more of this crap so you can stop your campaign to smear Chad right now. Get a life, Ben." He hung up.

I sat at my desk and realized I was sweating. I was never very good at standing up to Paul and he'd assumed the worst about my reasons for calling. But it was over. I'd told him what I thought he needed to hear and now I could forget it. He really was a part of my past now.

Joey

Mom and Pop had to be at the airport at five in the afternoon, a horrible time to be on the roads around Newark. It was less than twenty miles but I decided we should leave no later than four. There were lots of potential babysitters in the family who could have watched Connor while I went to the airport but when Ben offered to leave work early I took him up on it. I was planning on coming out to my parents shortly after they got back from Italy and I wanted to emphasize to them how important Ben was to me, how much he had become a part of my life.

Ben must have been watching because he came out the front door as soon as I pulled into the driveway. Mom and Pop stayed in the car when I got out. Ben leaned into the car to greet my parents and I unbuckled Connor from his car seat. Ben hooked the diaper bag over his shoulder and took Connor in his arms. He was getting pretty good at that. I remembered how scared he was to even touch Connor in the beginning.

"I can't go out to the gate with Mom and Pop, so as soon as they're checked in and through security I'll be on my way back. I should be here between six and six-thirty."

"Okay, call me when you're leaving the airport and I'll order the pizza. Then it should get here around the same time you do."

I got back in the car and pulled out. Mom was looking around.

"He's got a nice house. So normal looking."

"What did you expect, Ma? A trailer behind a go-go bar?"

She shrugged. "I don’t know how somebody like that lives. I just thought it would look different, that's all."

"I keep telling you that the only thing different about Ben is who he loves. Why is that such a problem for you?"

"It's the way I was raised, Joey. It's wrong, that's all there is to it. They're just not like people like us."

"You mean there aren't any gay Italians? How about Michelangelo?"

"Don’t be silly, Joey. He wasn't a homosexual. He did all that beautiful work for the Church."

I gave up. I noticed Pop hadn't said a word, not that he ever talked much, especially when Mom's mouth was running off about something. He was good at tuning Mom out when he wanted to. Maybe I could take some pointers from him. Traffic to the airport wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and we got there with no problems. I stayed with Mom and Pop as they checked in and walked them to the security checkpoint where Mom began to have second thoughts.

"Are you sure you're going to be all right, Joey? How are you going to work and watch Connor? Maybe we shouldn't be leaving you."

"Ma, I'll be fine. So will Connor. I've got twenty-five Napolis within four blocks to help me, plus Ben and Becky. You two just go and have a good time."

"But I've never been away from Connor before. What will he think?"

"I'm not saying he won’t notice, but I doubt if it will matter much to him. As long as I'm around and he's not with strangers, he'll be okay."

"Come on, Rose. As hard as it may be to accept, the family can get by without you for a few days. Besides, there's more family over there in Italy that has had to do without you for all these years. They won't know how much they need you until you get there and tell them."

Mom gave Pop a dirty look but stopped her fussing. She gave me a powerful hug goodbye and kissed me on the cheek. Pop hugged and kissed me as well.

"Take care of the business, Joey. I'm counting on you."

"Me? That's Anthony's job. I'm low man at the nursery."

"I depend on all of you boys. There is no low man."

I watched as they took off their shoes and put everything on the conveyor belt to go through the x-ray machine. When they passed through the metal detector and disappeared on the other side I turned and headed toward the parking garage. I called Ben on my way to let him know I was leaving. The traffic was much worse on the way back and I got there long after the pizza.

Ben greeted me with a hug every bit as strong as Mom's.

"Everything go all right?"

"Yeah, Mom started making a fuss but Pop shut her up. I think she's afraid of flying and won’t admit it, so she starts fussing about everything else."

"What did she think of your leaving Connor with me instead of Gina or Donna Marie?

"You know how she feels about you and family. But she says her piece and then moves on. Maybe she'll actually be okay when I come out. She'll be upset and disapprove, and never let me forget it, but then she'll move on."

"You think so?"

"No, not really. I can dream, though."

After we ate Ben and I spent nearly an hour on the floor playing gently with Connor. We had to be careful not to get him too excited so close to bedtime. He seemed to sense tonight was different from our usual visits to Ben. Tonight, we were staying over. After a while we left him on the floor to unwind with his Leggos while we relaxed on the couch. When it was his bedtime we both took him into his room. I had to change his pampers and clean him up before getting him into his jammies. Ben made sure he kept his distance.

"How far off did you say potty-training was, Joey?"

"Every kid is different, but I'm hoping for sometime around his second birthday in June. They say girls are quicker than boys, though, so it may be later than that."

"Can't happen too soon for me, but since I'm not the one changing him I shouldn't complain."

"Oh, I'll have to arrange for you to change at least one diaper before it's over. You can't miss out on all the fun."

We both kissed Connor goodnight. I put him in his crib and turned out the light, leaving just a small nightlight on in the corner. We went back out to the family room and cuddled while we watched TV. After Will and Grace went off Ben suggested we go to bed.

"This early? It's only nine-thirty."

"I didn't say go to sleep. I think we might be able to find something else to do in there for a while."

"Well, in that case…"

Once in the bedroom we slowly undressed each other. It had to be slowly because we were kissing and neither of us wanted to break the kiss. When we were naked we left our clothes in two piles on the floor and tumbled into bed, wrapped in each other's arms.

We had previously discussed my parent's trip to Italy and decided that we were going to spend every night together, alternating between houses. I would have preferred staying the whole time at Ben's, but I knew that someone in the family would notice my house was empty night after night. I could explain a few nights away. I had also decided that at some point I was going to ask Ben to make love to me. As apprehensive as I was, I assumed I wouldn't get up the courage until the last night, if then, so I hadn't mentioned it to Ben.

We kissed forever, touching, stroking and fondling each other. It seemed like ages since we'd been able to make love and we weren't about to rush it. I wanted to taste every little bit of Ben's beautiful slim pale body and I did. Ben used his mouth to work me over from head to toe as well. Several times we had to pull back and rest, we were both so close to orgasm. Finally, I rolled Ben onto his back and got in between his legs and prepared him for my love. I lifted his legs over my shoulders and entered him, sliding down into his warmth. We locked eyes as I began slowly pumping in and out of him. The tight moist heat surrounding my cock was exquisite torture. I wanted it to last forever but between all of the foreplay and the little tricks Ben was working with his muscles I was a doomed man. In far too short a time I felt my balls pull up tight and an explosion built within them, finally letting loose deep into Ben. Ben had started stroking himself when he saw I was getting close and he sent several volleys of his semen squirting all over his chest and stomach.

I gently lowered Ben's legs and leaned in to him, first kissing him lightly on the mouth, then more passionately. Ben pulled back after a few minutes and looked at me mischievously.

"Unless you're ready to go another round you'd better watch what you're doing."

I looked down into his bright green eyes, only inches from my own. "I love you with all my heart, Benjamin Donnelly."

"No more than I love you, Joseph Napoli."

I collapsed onto Ben and lay there until we both fell asleep. I was lying in sticky pools of semen, but I didn’t care. I was with my Ben.

Ben

Joey and I started alternating between houses. It wasn't quite like we were living together; it was more like we were gypsies traveling together. But it was so nice not saying goodbye at night. I knew it was going to be hard going back to that when his parents got home, but I didn't want to think about that. I just enjoyed the time we had together.

Sunday afternoon my father and Lori came out from the city for dinner. Joey spent hours in the kitchen preparing a feast. He was starting with a mesculin salad with his own homemade creamy Italian dressing. As good as it was, I knew I'd prefer the creamy Italian he'd be serving me later in bed. He'd made lobster raviolis as an appetizer and was going to serve filet mignon with peppers and mushrooms in a red wine sauce as the entrée, with asparagus tips and roasted garlic potatoes.

"You don’t have to go to all this trouble, Joey. Everything you make is delicious. Last night's leftovers would probably impress them."

"They live in Manhattan and from what you say they eat out several nights a week in some of the best restaurants in the world. I know I can't compete with that, but I have to give them something more than spaghetti and meatballs."

I didn't press it because I could tell Joey was nervous about meeting Dad, more so than he had been about Mother and Sam. I tried to help Joey in the kitchen but I found that the most help I could be was in staying out of the way. Dad had rented a car so I didn't have to pick them up at the train station which meant I had nothing much to do once the table was set.

Working in the kitchen took the edge off his nervousness and by the time they arrived Joey was a lot calmer.

"Nice to meet you, Dr. Donnelly, Mrs. Donnelly." Joey shook hands with both of them.

"It's Ben and Lori, Joe, please."

"You're a junior?" Joey squeaked at me.

"Yeah, Joey. I guess my family is as bad as yours when it comes to creativity and baby's names."

"Don’t blame my family on me. Jenny and I got pretty creative." As if on cue, their creation made his appearance just then. He snuck up behind Joey and wrapped his arms around Joey's right leg, being bashful for a change, hiding his face behind his father's thigh. Joey reached down and swung him up into his arms. "This is my son, Connor, folks."

"Ah, a nice Irish name for a beautiful Italian boy." Dad reached out and ruffled Connor's curly black hair.

I took drink orders and went into the kitchen, leaving Dad, Lori and Joey in the living room. They were going through the usual polite small talk when I got back with the drinks. As soon as I sat down Connor came over, climbed up into my lap and made himself comfortable.

"Now there's something I never thought I'd see." Dad smiled across the room at me. "It doesn't look as unnatural as I thought it would."

Dad and Lori both warmed up to Joey quickly. Dad seemed especially fascinated with Connor. Maybe it was his impending fatherhood that prompted that. They were both very impressed with the meal. So was I. Joey's talents in the kitchen constantly amazed me. After dessert, Lori helped Joey clean up. I suggested they leave the kitchen until later but Joey insisted, saying it would give me some time alone with Dad.

Dad and I took Connor into the living room and sipped brandy for a while.

"This is a beautiful home you have here, Ben. It suits you."

"Well, you know Mother did the decorating, but I'm pretty happy with it. I bought it with just Lula and me in mind, but it works well with Joey and Connor, too."

"You make a nice family, Ben. Not quite Norman Rockwell, but close. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks, Dad. How is your little family going? Lori seems to be doing well."

"She is. Everything is on schedule. We've been talking about moving out to the suburbs after the baby is born. Seeing this place makes it look even more appealing."

I thought for a minute. It would be nice to have Dad nearer, more easily a part of my life, assuming they picked New Jersey and not Long Island, that is, but experience told me it wasn't a good idea.

"Don't do it, Dad."

"Why not? Your mother and I moved out of the city when you were little."

"That's just it, Dad. Between the long hours you put in getting your practice started and the commute, I never saw you. And it probably didn't help your marriage to Mother, either. Besides, you and Lori love the city and all it has to offer."

"You're right about that. But seeing you here with Joey and Connor, it just looks so right. I have a second chance here with Lori and the baby and I don’t want to screw up this time."

"This is right for Joey and me. We're suburban boys. You have to look at what's right for you."

Dad looked at me for a while and smiled. "When did you grow up and get so smart, Ben?"

Monday after work I stopped by the house to let Lula out and then went over to Joey's house. I'd have to run back home to let Lula out again near bedtime. This switching houses wasn't entirely convenient. Because of Mrs. Napoli's allergies I couldn't bring Lula along with me the nights I stayed at their house. Joey had gone in to the nursery for a few hours in the morning because Gina had been able to watch Connor. He was piecing together a part-time schedule based on baby-sitter availability. He met me at the door with his coat on.

"Hey, I just got here. Where are you going?"

"A customer in Chatham wants to go over an idea she had for her garden."

"In January?"

"We're not going to do any work until April, but she had this idea and she wants to show me before she forgets. The customer's always right, you know. I've gotta run. Connor's right there." I stuck my head around the corner and saw him sitting on the floor playing.

Joey left and I went into the room and got comfortable in Mr. Napoli's recliner. Connor climbed up into my lap, I turned on the TV and we watched the second half of Oprah together. I turned the set off when the show ended and snuggled with Connor. We must have fallen asleep because the next thing I knew I was startled by a sound across the room. I looked up, rubbed my eyes and saw what at first glace appeared to be a teenage Joey staring at me.

"Uh, James, isn't it? What can I do for you?" I was feeling groggy from my little nap but I remembered that he was the one from the nursery, the one that Joey hadn't yet had a chance to talk to.

His eyes shot all around the room and he definitely looked nervous. "Is my Uncle Joey around?"

"He went out to an appointment. He should be back soon."

There was a long silence. "What are you doing here?"

"Right now I'm keeping an eye on your cousin." I nodded at Connor who was sleeping on my chest.

Another silence. "What were you doing to Uncle Joey that day at the nursery?"

"We were just horsing around, but I really think you should talk to him about that." I knew Joey had been trying to find time to have a talk with James and I didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"You should stay away from Uncle Joey. What you were doing was wrong."

"Wrong? We're friends, James. We weren't doing anything wrong."

"My dad says you're queer and that's sick. Uncle Joey's a good guy. You shouldn’t be messing around with him."

"I agree that Joey is a good guy, James. He's a good friend and I like him a lot."

"He's been real upset since Aunt Jenny died. I think you're just confusing him and taking advantage of him. That's what my dad says."

"Like I said, I think you should talk to Joey about this, James."

"Dad says your kind of life is sad and hopeless, so you have to go after normal people to try to find happiness."

"I don’t want to contradict your father, but there are lots of people who would disagree with him on that. I have a very good life and I'm happy, James. Being gay is just a little different, that's all. Aside from who I love, I'm just like anyone else."

James looked like he wasn't sure what to do or say next. All of a sudden, he turned and dashed out the front door, leaving me sitting there wondering if I'd said too much or too little. When Joey came in a few minutes later Connor was still asleep. I told him about my encounter with his nephew.

"Damn! He's been avoiding me the last couple of weeks and now that he's ready to talk, I missed him. It's nice to know he's so concerned about me, but it sounds like he's really messed up over this, thanks to Vinnie."

"Maybe you can talk to him sometime this week. I'll stay out of the way if that helps."

"It looks like the only reason he's kept his mouth shut is that he thinks you're the bad guy in all of this, but once I come out to him, he'll probably tell the whole family. I was planning on telling everyone after Mom and Pop were back a while, but this way they'll end up coming home to world war three."

"Maybe it won’t be so bad. He clearly adores you but he's confused and Vinnie's filled his head with all kinds of garbage."

"We'll see. I knew this was going to be hard, but it just keeps getting more complicated. With such a huge family I should have expected it."

Joey

I called and left a message for James at his house, just one of those, 'Sorry I missed you when you stopped by, give me a call if you want' kind of things. The rest of the week went by and he didn't call. I didn't want to follow up and get Vinnie curious so I left it at that. James had waited a couple of weeks already; if he could wait a little longer I'd be out to the whole family and then talking to him would be so much easier. Maybe.

Monday night I took Connor to the bowling alley with me. I could have had someone baby-sit, but I wanted to save the goodwill of my family for when I had to go to work. I had my brothers keep an eye on Connor when I was bowling. My team was assigned to lanes very close to Ben's, so every time I got up to bowl, Connor toddled over toward Ben. Vinnie and John made a point of catching him and bringing him back. I did take Connor over between games to introduce him to Ben's teammates. Even though Ben was spending the night at my place, we'd taken separate cars to the lanes for the sake of appearances. Since I had Connor with me I went straight home after bowling, skipping Angelo's. Ben had to drop by his place to take care of Lula, but then joined me at home.

The rest of the week we alternated houses. Friday night he stayed with me. It had been an awkward week but I'd loved every minute of it. On Sunday, Mom and Pop would be back and, at least until I'd talked to them, things would have to go back to the way they'd been. I'd chickened out on asking Ben to make love to me. I still wanted to try it, but I put it off for later. I made love to him when we stayed at his house. When we were at my place, we usually stuck to oral sex or mutual masturbation. It was all good, but when Connor was sleeping in the same room we tried to be as quiet as possible. Even at that, I got a secret little thrill out of having sex with Ben in my room, the room I'd grown up in.

Saturday morning I woke up with Ben in my arms. He was still sleeping and a glance at the crib told me Connor was too. It wasn't very light out but at this time of year that didn't mean it was early. I lay there enjoying the feel of Ben's skin against mine when I realized something was wrong. I smelled coffee. It had taken me long enough to convince Mom to use a coffeemaker, but she refused to have one that had a timer on it, so the only way to brew coffee was to manually hit the 'on' button. I leapt out of bed and grabbed my boxers from the floor. I looked Connor over as I pulled them on and then dashed down the stairs.

I ran into the kitchen and there was Anthony in a sweat suit, leaning against the counter, sipping a mug of coffee.

"Anthony! What are you doing here this early?"

"I was out for my morning run when I saw a strange car in the driveway. I came in to check."

My stomach felt like there was a large rock in it. "Um, Ben spent the night. I told you he'd probably stay over at some point while Mom and Pop were away."

"I went upstairs, Joey. I saw the two of you in bed, naked, arms around each other. What the fuck is goin' on?" He sounded dead serious though not necessarily angry.

My first instinct was to say, "It's not what you think", but it was exactly what he was thinking. I couldn't get any words to come out of my mouth. I slowly crossed the room, took a mug from the cabinet, poured some coffee, added milk and sugar and took a long sip. I set the mug down on the counter, took a deep breath and looked Anthony right in the eye.

"It's just what it looks like, Anthony, and more. Ben and I are in love with each other."

"That's crazy, Joe. You're not gay. What are you talking about?"

"I am gay. I've always known it but I never did anything about it. Even when I met Ben, I didn't have any intention of doing anything about it. But I fell in love. And, fortunately, he fell in love with me, too."

Anthony slowly walked around in a small circle a couple of times, holding his head in his hands. He stopped and shook his head at me.

"You're my brother, Joey. You're not one of those gay guys from New York or San Francisco. You were married, you loved Jenny. This is all wrong."

"Yes, I'm your brother, and I did love Jenny. But I've never felt anything remotely like that for any other woman. All of my other attractions were for guys."

"So now you're gonna start sleeping with guys? How is the family supposed to deal with that? This is gonna kill Mom and Pop, you know."

"Not guys, just one guy. I love Ben and he's the only one I want to be with. I know everybody is going to have some trouble accepting that, some more than others, but we're a family. We'll work it out. Everybody already knows Ben. You said you liked him."

"That's before I knew you were fucking him! You are fucking him, aren't you? Please God, don’t let it be the other way around."

"It's really none of your business what Ben and I do in bed."

"Oh, shit!"

Anthony and I turned as one and saw Ben standing in the doorway in his shorts, hair sticking out at odd angles, Connor balanced on his hip. The three of us just stared at each other for what seemed an hour. Finally, Ben broke the spell.

"Um, I think Connor needs to be changed."

I crossed the room to Ben and took Connor from him. After feeling his butt I knew Ben was right, but I didn't want to leave Anthony until I was sure he was okay with what I'd told him. I also didn't want to leave him alone with Ben.

"Anthony, we need to talk this out. Can you wait for me in the living room? Ben, why don’t you fix yourself a cup of coffee? I'll be back in a couple of minutes."

Anthony left the room without a word and Ben walked over to the coffeemaker. I told him I'd be back down as soon as humanly possible and rushed upstairs with Connor, changing him in record time. When I came back down they were both sitting in the living room. Ben was nervously sipping his coffee; Anthony was glaring at him in silence. He looked up at me and then back at Ben.

"Anthony, I know this is a shock. I haven't exactly prepared you or anyone else for this, but you've got to believe that I love Ben and he loves me. This is who I am."

"Then who's the guy I thought I knew the last twenty-six years?"

"That's me, too. I'm the same guy. Nothing's changed, really. I'm still Joey."

"How can you say nothing's changed? I feel like I don’t even know you."

Ben cleared his throat. "Anthony, Joey is the most decent man I have ever known. He's a hard worker, a good brother, a loving son, a devoted father. How can you say you don’t know him just because he's fallen in love with someone you didn't expect?"

Anthony stared at the floor for a few minutes, then looked up at me. "Are you sure, bro? Are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yes, I'm very sure."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, Anthony, Ben makes me very happy."

Anthony nodded his head. "I suppose I should have known. You were so miserable for so long after Jenny died. It broke my heart just to look at you sometimes. But the last few months, you've been different. We've all commented on it. You're happy again. If this is what Ben does for you, I guess I can learn to deal with it."

I'm sure the next-door neighbors heard the sigh I let out. "Thanks for understanding."

Anthony turned to Ben. "But if you ever do anything to hurt Joey, I mean anything, you're gonna have to answer to me. Got that?"

"I've got it, Anthony, but you don't have anything to worry about. I love Joey and only want to make him happy."

I knew they weren't about to have one of those feel-good hugs, and Anthony wasn't about to start calling Ben 'bro', but it was a better resolution than I'd dared hope for.

"Can you do me one favor, Anthony? I was planning to tell everyone once Mom and Pop were back from their trip and settled in. Can you keep it to yourself until then? John and Vinnie are going to totally freak and I don’t want Mom and Pop coming back to that."

"I'll keep quiet for now. You're right about our brothers. They're gonna have a really hard time of it. So are Ma and Pop. They're from a whole different world than you and me. I just don’t know how they're gonna handle it."

"Neither do I, but I've got to tell everyone. This family is my life, and now Ben is my family as well."