Second Wind

Chapter Twenty

Ben

I was surprised that I was alone when I awoke. Joey always woke up long before me, but he'd developed a pattern over the week, regardless of which house we were in. He'd get the coffee going, take care of anything he had to in the bathroom, then check on Connor and take care of him. Then he'd get back in bed with me and gently wake me up. I looked over at the crib and Connor was standing, holding onto the side rail, looking a little worked up. When he realized I was awake he called my name. I dragged myself out of bed and went over to him. He reached both arms up toward me and when I leaned in he wrapped them around my neck. I had no choice but to pick him up. As I did I could tell by the smell that Joey hadn't yet changed his pampers.

I looked around the room and spotted my boxers on the floor near the foot of the bed. I held Connor with my right arm and squatted down to pick them up with my left hand. I managed to get my feet into them and pulled them up. If we'd been in my house I wouldn't have bothered; I would have wandered naked through the house until I found Joey. But this was his parents' house and even though they were five thousand miles away, I couldn't walk down the hall naked without imagining Mrs. Napoli's face glaring at me. I had to pee something fierce so I carried Connor into the bathroom and held him on my right hip while I struggled to get my dick out through the fly of my shorts. I wasn't used to peeing left-handed, but I finally managed.

I followed the aroma of the coffee down to the kitchen and froze in the doorway when I saw Anthony standing there. When I heard what he and Joey were saying I nearly dropped Connor. I'm not exactly articulate first thing in the morning and the shock of realizing that Anthony knew completely shut down my brain. The three of us just stared at each other for the longest time. It was only when Connor wiggled on my hips that I remembered why I was looking for Joey in the first place.

Fortunately, Joey having to change Connor gave me a chance to have some coffee and wake up before we all had to talk. Unfortunately, it meant he was leaving me alone with Anthony. While Anthony had never been hostile toward me like the other brothers, we hadn't ever talked much either. There was usually an uneasy silence between us, that of two strangers who had nothing in common but were forced to share each other's company. Now that Anthony knew about Joey and me, there was a definite hostility in the air. As we waited for Joey to return, I had to keep reminding myself that this was the good brother.

After what felt like an hour but was probably less than ten minutes, Joey came back to talk to Anthony. By then I had begun to wake up and clear my head, but I tried to stay out of the conversation. This was something very personal between the brothers and they had to work it out. It always amazed me when family members were caught by surprise by someone coming out. How could they not have picked up any signs? Could they be that oblivious to a loved one? More likely, they didn’t want to know so they ignored the evidence in front of them. For a couple of months, all of Joey's relatives had kept asking why he wanted to spend so much time with a gay guy. The obvious answer just never seemed to occur to any of them.

Anthony's hostility was probably more due to the shock of walking in on the two of us in bed than any real antipathy toward Joey. He didn’t want his brother to be gay and thought he could talk him out of it. It was as if Joey's being with me was just something he'd inadvertently done and he could be brought back to heterosexuality merely by reminding him of who he was supposed to be. Once Anthony had run through all of his arguments, he was forced to face that Joey was gay, and then he began to deal with it. This was his brother, after all.

As soon as Anthony had left Joey pulled me into his arms and squeezed me so tight I could barely breathe. He held me like that a long time. I could feel him trembling in my arms.

"That was so hard, Ben, harder than I thought it would be. Though all of my brothers are a lot older than me, Vinnie and John have always seemed more like my peers, just regular big brothers. Anthony has always been as much like a second father to me as a brother. He's the leader of my generation of the family and I've always looked up to him and wanted his respect."

"I think he was shocked, Joey, but I'm sure he loves and respects you. Give him time. He'll deal with this all right, I think."

"I know, it's just so hard feeling like I've disappointed him in some way, telling him something he doesn't understand and doesn't like. I don’t know how I'm going to tell Mom and Pop."

"Just remember who you are, how much love is in you and how much you love them. I meant that when I said you were the most decent person I've ever known. I'm sure your parents know that, too. They may forget at first when they hear your news, but they'll remember after the shock wears off." I gave him a tight squeeze.

"I wish you could be there when I tell them. You give me strength, Ben, but I think your being there could make things worse."

"Hey, you're the strong one in this relationship. I'm always leaning on you. But if you need to lean on me, I'm here for you. I'll always be here for you, Joey, whatever you need. I'd do anything for you."

"I know, Ben, that's what helps me so much, knowing that you're there for me. We give to each other and support each other."

Joey made a simple breakfast for the three of us. He'd only worked scattered hours here and there all week, depending on when he could get someone to watch Connor, so he was planning on putting in a full day at the nursery. I had offered to take Connor for the day. After eating we switched the baby seat from the minivan to the backseat of my Saab and Joey strapped him in. I'd suggested it would be easier to just switch vehicles for the day but Joey was working with John and didn't want to show up at the nursery in my car. Just another week or two and we wouldn't have to bother with all of this nonsense. Joey kissed Connor goodbye. I had to settle for a quick hug. At a red light on the way home a woman pulled up alongside me, looked at Connor in the backseat and then gave me an approving smile and nod. I couldn't help but think of that song from Sweet Charity, If My Friends Could See Me Now. Big sissy queen turns into suburban daddy. I looked at Connor in the rearview mirror and he looked back and giggled. He thought it was funny, too.

When we got home I let Lula out and, after she'd done her business, Connor chased her around the yard a while. I let them in before he got too cold and put him in the playpen in the family room with some toys while I did some housework. I'd let things pile up because I'd been having so much fun with Joey all week. Now and then I took a break in between chores to lie down on the floor and have some fun with Connor. While I'd watched him for an hour now and then, I'd been nervous about spending the whole day alone with him. It was fun, though. When I'd finished my chores I made a simple lunch for the two of us, tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Connor's taste buds must not be very well developed because he seemed to think my cooking was every bit as good as his father's.

After lunch I put him back in the playpen and went into my office to do some emailing. Because my firm did accounting for businesses, the first few months of the year weren't the nightmare for me that they were for accountants who had individual clients, but over the years I had created my own busy season by offering to do tax returns for my friends. I handled the forms for many of the guys who had been at the New Year's Eve party and I'd started helping out people in the bowling league as well. Paul always said it could be a nice side business for me, but I couldn't see charging my friends for help. It was too early to start filing returns but I wanted to get emails out to everyone reminding them to get their paperwork together so I could get to work in early February.

I finished up and went into the other room to take Connor out of the playpen. Almost immediately he grabbed at the seat of his pants and I realized that my worst nightmare was about to come to pass. He needed to be changed. Joey had warned me that he probably wouldn't make it all day but I'd been giving him pep talks, hoping to inspire him, not that he cared. I led him into the guest room, his room, and covered the bed with a large towel. After undressing him I put him on the towel and undid his pampers. I'd watched Joey do this lots of times, from a distance, of course, but this looked like Connor had been saving up to make my first diaper change a memorable one. He must have known how I felt because he kept laughing all through the change. After he was clean and in a fresh diaper, I put his pajamas on him. It was past time for his nap. I lay him down in the crib and ran my fingers through his curly black hair for a minute, looking into his beautiful blue eyes.

"I know you got a pretty rotten deal, not ever getting to know your mother, Connor. She was a pretty great lady, from what your father tells me. But do you have any idea how lucky you are to have Joey as your father? He's a spectacular human being and he loves you with all his heart." Connor just smiled up at me. "And for what it's worth, I love you, too."

I leaned over and kissed him on the forehead and ruffled his hair one last time. I went into my room to lie down for a little nap myself. As I curled up on the bed, thinking about my two guys, I realized I had never been so happy in my life.

Joey

I felt like I was spinning my wheels all day, working and getting nowhere. Margaret, our bookkeeper, had been off most of the week. Her older sister lived in Florida and was in poor health, so Margaret had taken some vacation time to go visit her. None of the family was any good with the books so she had instructed us to just keep track of the daily receipts and expenses and leave the information in as orderly a fashion as possible on her desk and she'd take care of everything when she got back. My brothers hadn't been very organized all week so I was trying to put her desk in order. Normally Pop would have covered for her but I didn't want him coming home to a nightmare of paperwork. By quitting time I had at least put everything in neat, somewhat logical piles on her desk and had finished the payroll for the week, but I hadn't been able to get much of my other work done.

Ben and I spent a quiet evening at his house, enjoying our last night together. I made slow passionate love to him and we fell asleep in each other's arms. It was just the way I wished every day could end.

Sunday afternoon Anthony picked Mom and Pop up at the airport while I got the house ready for their return. I hadn't exactly made a mess but Mom was a neat freak so I didn't want her to have to go to work the minute she got home. Besides, most of the family would be coming over to welcome them home. I spent the last hour or so preparing all kinds of food to nibble on.

When they walked in the house I wondered why we hadn't thought to send them on this vacation long ago. They looked years younger and more relaxed than I could remember seeing them. They went on and on about the trip, both about the country and the relatives they had met. Both of them had cousins there and of course the cousins had families of their own, so they were immersed in family the whole time. Even Pop talked far more than usual.

There was a steady stream of visitors, both family and friends, for the next couple of days. I went to bowling Monday night and to Angelo's with Ben after that, but Sunday night and Tuesday night were pretty much open house parties at home. It was a festive atmosphere but every now and then, especially when I looked at Anthony, I wondered how and when I was going to be able to bring up the subject of my relationship with Ben. Tuesday night Mom made it clear to everyone that she wanted to try to get back to her regular routine the next day and I decided that maybe by the weekend everything would be back to normal and I could find some time to talk to my parents.

Wednesday afternoon it was my turn to close up at work. During the ten busy months of the year the whole staff worked right up until closing, but in the dead of winter there wasn't much point in everyone staying until six. I had everything ready to go and was hanging out at the counter at ten to six when Angie walked in.

"Hey, stranger, this is a surprise. I haven't seen you since Christmas Eve."

"Yeah, I've been pretty busy. I was hoping to catch you before you went home."

"You just did. I'm closing up in a few minutes. What's up?"

Angie was hesitant and seemed a little uncomfortable.

"Um, your mother was in the salon today for her weekly wash and set."

"Yeah, I know it killed her to miss last week although apparently one of her cousins took her to a beauty shop in Naples that she didn't think was too terrible."

"She told me about it. She talked about the trip a lot, but she talked about you and me even more."

I groaned. "She's got a one-track mind and just won't give up no matter what I tell her."

"Maybe I wasn't discouraging her enough a while back, but after we talked last month I've tried to tone down her hopes about us."

"I've been planning to have a long talk with her soon, anyway. Then she won't be bothering you anymore, I hope."

"Yeah, I think you'd better talk to her." She halted for a moment, like she was debating what to say next. "Do you remember Barb Fisher from high school?"

I thought for a minute. "Medium height, fairly chunky, short brown hair?"

"That's her, except now she's slim with long blonde hair. And she's Barbara Collins now."

"Okay, so what's she got to do with you and me?"

"Well, she does manicures at the salon and she was working on the woman in the chair next to your mother this afternoon. Your mother was going on and on about how she couldn't understand why something wasn't developing between you and me. All of a sudden, Barb butted in with, 'Maybe you should ask his boyfriend'."

"What? What did she mean by that?" I couldn't imagine that anyone knew about Ben and me. We always made a point of keeping our distance and watching what we said when we were in public. And we didn't go out that much anyway.

"Your mother and I both asked that same thing at the same time. Barb explained that her brother-in-law is gay and he was visiting last week. She and her husband took him out to a local gay club one night where she said she saw you and your boyfriend."

Ben and I hadn't been out in ages so when Becky and Glenn offered to baby-sit Thursday night we'd jumped at the chance. We'd gone to the club for a couple of hours, had seen a few of Ben's friends and had a pretty good time. I was frantically trying to remember if we'd done anything incriminating. That was the one place we didn't worry about how we were acting because we just assumed everyone else there was either gay or cool about the issue.

"Yeah, I was there with Ben on Thursday. You know that Ben and Becky and I go there now and then. She must have jumped to conclusions, seeing me there with a guy."

"That's what I thought, but when I told her that you and Ben were just friends she said that most friends she knew didn't spend half the evening with their tongues down each other's throats."

Oh, damn! "She must have been mistaken. Maybe she saw Ben and me earlier and then she saw two other guys who looked like us kissing later."

"That's what your mother said." Double damn! I forgot about Mom. What did she think of all of this? "Your mother kept insisting that she had to be wrong, that her Joey would never do anything like that. Barb was just as insistent that she knew what she saw. It was starting to get ugly between the two of them until I finally got Barb's attention and signaled her to stop. Then I changed the subject back to Italy, but it was pretty tense the rest of the time your mother was there."

I had been thinking about how to raise the issue with Mom and Pop the next weekend, but it looked like the decision had been made for me. Mom might not have wanted to believe Barbara and would have defended me against her accusations, but she couldn't ignore them. I wondered what kind of reception was awaiting me at home.

"It's true, isn't it, Joey? Ben is your boyfriend," Angie said after a long silence.

"Yes, Angie, he is."

"At least now I know why I never stood a chance with you. Were the two of you together all along? I feel pretty foolish."

"Please don't feel foolish. At first Ben and I were just friends. It kind of snuck up on both of us. Once I realized my feelings for him, I tried hard not to mislead you, but I wasn't ready to come out either."

"Well, I can't say I understand it, but, looking back, there does seem to have been a special connection between the two of you. I hope it works out for you. I really mean that. You're a great guy, you've been through some bad times and you deserve to be happy."

"Thanks, Angie. That means a lot to me. And I know it's going to work out with Ben. We love each other very much."

Angie gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. "Good luck when you get home. Knowing your mother I'd say you're in for a rough evening."

Angie left and I closed out the cash register and locked up. I was tempted to skip going home and run right to Ben. I knew if I did that I'd have to call home and let them know and that would be just as bad as going there, so my little fantasy escape didn't last long. On the short ride home I tried to convince myself that I could handle this. After all, I'd been standing up to Mom on a daily basis my whole life. But it was never on something as important as this. The things she challenged me on and complained about were usually nonsense, insignificant little details she liked to blow up out of proportion. I couldn't imagine how she'd blow up something so big it didn't need any amplification. And Pop. He never argued or yelled, but just one quiet word of disapproval from him could shake my whole world. I loved them both so much and needed them to love me back, always.

I pulled into the driveway, shut off the engine, took a deep breath and got out of the car. I'd been trying to avoid thinking about this moment for months and now it was here. I went in the back door, expecting to see Mom in the kitchen, getting supper ready to put on the table. There were a couple of pots on the stove and I could smell food, but no one was around. I went into the living room and found them, Pop sitting up in his recliner, Mom in the middle of the couch, her hands folded in her lap. They both looked up at me as I walked into the room.

"Joey, your mother heard something very disturbing today and I think we need to talk about it."

I thought it was a good sign that Pop was starting us off. He was a lot calmer than Mom, though the fact that Mom wasn't her usual self didn't bode well. I sat in a chair facing the two of them.

"I know, Angie stopped by the nursery just before closing." I looked around the room. "Where's Connor?"

"He's upstairs in his crib with some toys. I thought the conversation might upset him if things got out of hand."

"There's no reason for things to get that bad, Pop. We're all adults here. Let's just talk."

"No reason? You didn't hear what that girl was saying about you in front of everyone at the salon. I wanted to slap her. I've been telling you and telling you that people would begin talking about you if you kept associating with that man. People always want to believe the worst about others."

Could it be that Mom still didn't believe it, that she was that much in denial? For a split-second I saw a chance to talk my way out of this but immediately pushed that thought out of my mind. If I did that it would be blatant lying, which would make coming out later so much harder, and it would have to be much later. This had to be done and there would never be a better opening.

"Well, sometimes what people see is the truth, Mom. They don’t have to use their imagination, it's all right there in front of them."

Mom looked down at the floor and spoke more quietly. "I know, Joey. I didn't want to believe it but she was far too positive and went into too much disgusting detail."

"It's not disgusting, Ma. Ben and I love each other."

"Love? Have you lost your mind?" So much for any thought of a quiet talk. "This isn't you, Joey. Don’t you think I know my own son? I've watched you every day of your life. I've seen you with Jenny. You were happy with her for years."

"Nobody can know everything about another person, Mom. There are things we often don't even admit to ourselves."

I went into a long explanation of my feelings for Jenny and my attractions for other guys going back to high school. I'd had to explain to so many people that it was almost like playing a record, though I tried hard to make them understand. Mom kept shaking her head, occasionally waving her hands in front of her face as if to ward off my words. Pop just stared across the room into space.

"The doctor was right. After Jenny's funeral, he wanted you to see a psychiatrist. I kept telling him, 'My Joey's not crazy, he'll be fine after a while.' But maybe you should have talked to someone."

"I'm not crazy, mom. Sure, I was grief-stricken then and I'll always miss Jenny, but I've been able to move on, thanks to Ben. I've found love again and I'm happy."

"Love" Happy? What you're doing is unnatural and sick. And a sin. You know what the Church says about it."

"Yes, I know. And I also know that good people disagree about all kinds of things that the Church teaches. If everything were so clear-cut there would still be only one Christian church. Personally, I believe that love is the most important thing our religion teaches us, and love is never wrong."

"This isn't love, Joey, it's lust. I just don’t know how you could choose something like this."

"It is love, Ma. I was in love with Jenny so I know what love is, and that's what I feel for Ben. We don’t choose who we fall in love with. It just happens, if we're lucky."

"Lucky? This will destroy your life. And Connor's, too. Have you stopped to think about how this will affect your son? He's just an innocent baby and you're exposing him to this sordid lifestyle."

"Ma, there's nothing sordid about any of this. Ben is a good person and he loves Connor. And Connor loves Ben."

"Well, I just won’t have it! I know you're an adult, but we're your parents and this is our house. You are not going to see Ben again, ever. Tomorrow morning I'm calling Dr. Peretti to have him recommend a good therapist. And you're going to have a talk with Father Vittorio. You were happy with Jenny, you can be happy with another woman if you set you mind to it. You obviously don’t know what you're doing so it's up to us to keep you from ruining your life. Tony, say something! You're his father, you tell him."

We both turned to look at Pop. I thought I'd done a pretty good job holding my own against Mom's ranting but I was shaking inside. I wasn't getting anywhere with her and I didn't know how much longer I could deal with this. Pop was always so much less emotional and more rational. Maybe he could calm things down.

Pop had a pained look on his face and didn't say anything for a long time. When he finally spoke up, my hope faded.

"The only thing I've ever wanted for you is to be happy, son. You were so happy with Jenny and then when we lost her you were devastated. It tore my heart out to see you like that. I know you've been so much better lately and you seem happy, but I can't imagine that there could be any future in a relationship like this. All my life I've been told it was wrong and so has everyone else. A life like that would bring all kinds of pain and hurt. You'd be rejected and hated by people. So I have to agree with your mother. A more normal life is what would make you happy in the long run."

"Then it's settled. I'll call the doctor in the morning and you'll go to church, Joey. They won't miss you at the nursery for one day. We're going to take care of you and make this right."

We all sat in silence for a few seconds but that was all it took for me to make up my mind. I got up and went upstairs without a word. I picked up Connor and clutched him to my chest. He worked his magic on me and after a minute I stopped trembling. I set him down on the bed and went into the guest room, grabbing a large suitcase from the closet. I opened the case on my bed and began packing a few changes of clothing and some bare necessities for both Connor and me. I went into the bathroom for a few more things. The last thing I packed was the wooden box of memories from my top drawer. I closed the suitcase, picked Connor up and placed him on my left hip and grabbed the case in my right hand. I took one last look around the room.

"Okay, boy, time for us to move on."

When I got downstairs Mom and Pop were still talking in the living room. They looked up and their eyes widened when they saw the suitcase.

"What are you doing? Where do you think you're going?" Mom got up from the couch.

"Obviously, I disagree with both of you about what is right for me and what will make me happy. But I agree with one thing you said, Mom. You are my parents and this is your house. You have some say over my life as long as I live here. So I'm leaving. Connor and I are going to Ben's house."

"You're not walking out on us and you are certainly not taking my grandson to that man's house."

"I know this has been a shock to both of you, Mom, and you're upset. I hope that when you calm down and have a chance to think about what I've said you'll feel differently. In the meantime, it's better if we're not in each other's faces all the time. As you said, I'm an adult. And Connor is my son, so he goes where I go."

Mom started across the room toward me but Pop grabbed her hand and stopped her.

"Let him go, Rose. We all need some time to calm down."

I turned and walked through the kitchen to the backdoor as fast as I could while trying not to look as if I were running away. I put the suitcase in the back of the van and strapped Connor into his seat, then got behind the wheel and backed out of the driveway. I gripped the wheel tightly and drove very slowly and carefully, hoping I could hold it together for the five minutes or so it would take to get to Ben's, praying that he would be home when we got there.

I said a prayer of thanks as I pulled into the driveway and saw lights on in the house. I unfastened Connor and grabbed the suitcase. Ben wasn't expecting me so I had to ring the doorbell. When he opened the door, Connor rushed past him to get to Lula. Ben looked down at the suitcase and then into my eyes. He held his arms out and I rushed into them and completely fell apart.

Ben

I'd been missing Joey all week. Ten days of living together and I was hooked. Sunday afternoon I caught up on housework and I did some reading in the evening. Monday was bowling and then our hour at Angelo's. It felt like I hadn't seen Joey in a week when it had actually only been thirty-some hours. Becky came over as usual Tuesday evening and that was great, except that I still missed Joey. I knew he was catching up with his parents but by Wednesday I decided that I had to see him before the weekend. I was nuking a frozen dinner when the doorbell rang. Lula beat me to the door and was impatiently waiting as I opened it.

I was surprised to see Joey standing there. When Connor pushed past me I looked down and saw the suitcase, then looked back up and saw the pain in Joey's face. He collapsed against me and burst into tears. I held him in the open doorway while he let it all out. Connor turned away from Lula and came back to grab Joey's leg.

"Daddy?" I looked down and saw the confusion on Connor's face. I didn't want to let go of Joey but I quickly loosened my grip on him, bent down and scooped up Connor with my right arm, pulling him into a three-way hug with his father. Joey put his arm around Connor and immediately started to get himself under control and his crying subsided into sniffles. I directed him through the doorway and took his suitcase, closing the door behind us.

"They found out."

I nodded. That was the obvious explanation. He didn't say anything else so I put an arm around him and led him into the family room. He took off his coat and Connor's and they sat on the couch while I went into the kitchen and poured us each a brandy. I was chilled from standing in the open door and I was sure he could use a bracer. When I got back Connor was on the floor playing with Lula. I sat next to Joey and handed him a glass. He took a sip and sighed.

"It was horrible, but I don't know that I expected any better." He went over the entire story, starting with Angie's visit to the nursery, as we sipped our brandy. When he finished he shrugged. "So I guess that's it."

"Well, it sure could have gone better, and I know it was a painful experience, but I think there's room for hope. As you said, a good part of their reaction was due to shock. Look how Anthony reacted the other day. He hasn't exactly done a one-eighty, but he did calm down a lot once he thought it over. Your father's main concern is your happiness, so that's a good sign. His issue is whether you can be happy in a gay relationship, and that's something we can talk to him about and work on. Your mother's opposition is more basic, but you know she loves you, so maybe she'll soften over time."

"A long time, I'm sure. You don't know Mom. She's opinionated and stubborn."

"She also loves you." I put my arms around Joey. "I know it's easy to say everything will be all right, and it probably won't be for a long time, but I don't think it's as bad as it seems. They didn't throw you out, after all. We'll get you through this, Joey."

"You're putting a much better spin on this than I am. I hurt them both so much with this news. I could see it in their eyes."

"You hurt them? Yeah, I suppose you did, but they hurt you, too. You hit them with news they didn't like or understand and they were reacting to it emotionally, without any real thought. But they're your parents. They're supposed to love you unconditionally, and I think that once the shock has worn off they'll remember that. It may take a while, but this will work out."

"Can Connor and I stay here until then? I know I should have called instead of just appearing on your doorstep but there wasn't time and I wasn't thinking very clearly."

"You know you don't have to ask. You can stay here forever if you want. Nothing would make me happier, although I wish it were under other circumstances."

We sat on the couch in silence and watched Connor for a while. I held Joey in my arms the way he usually held me.

"It hurts so much, Ben, being rejected like that."

"I know, baby. I wish I had magic and could make it all go away."

Joey turned and kissed me lightly on the lips. "You do have magic. You're doing just fine."