Second Wind

Chapter Twenty-One

Ben

I wasn't surprised when the alarm went off Thursday morning and I found myself alone in bed. Joey had had a restless night. His tossing and turning woke me up a couple of times. I wasn't sure if he was awake or just having bad dreams but I put my arms around him and held him until he calmed down both times. As I got out of bed I smelled the wonderful combination of coffee and bacon. I pulled on a pair of boxers and followed my nose to the kitchen. Joey was standing at the counter breaking eggs into a bowl.

"Mornin', sleepyhead."

"Sleepyhead? It's seven o'clock, the alarm went off and I'm up. That's pretty good for me. How are you feeling this morning?"

"So-so." He shrugged. I took a mug from the cabinet and poured myself a cup of coffee. "I didn't sleep well, but I guess you know that. Sorry if I disturbed your sleep."

"Don’t give it a second thought. I love spending the night with you, even if you're a little restless." I looked over the counter into the family room and saw Connor and Lula in the playpen together. "So we have two babies now?"

"Yeah, Connor wanted to play with Lula but I couldn't watch him and make breakfast at the same time, so I threw them both in the slammer. I let Lula out back when I first got up so she should be good for a while."

"So what's on your agenda today?"

"Well, I'm not going in to work. I don't have anyone to watch Connor and even if I did I don’t feel like facing anyone yet, especially John and Vinnie."

"Shit, when we were talking about your parents last night I didn't give any thought to those two. Do you think they've heard the news?

"Of course. You don’t know my family very well. I'll bet Mom was on the phone to Donna Marie before I even got here last night, and that everyone knew within an hour. I shut off my cell phone when I pulled in your driveway because I knew it would be ringing all evening and I just didn't want to hear from anybody."

"So what are you going to do today?"

"I guess Connor and I will just hang out here if you don’t mind. I'll unpack and maybe go to the store for a few things."

"Why don’t you come by my office at noon and we'll have lunch at the mall? Then you can do your shopping there. I don’t want you to be alone all day."

"That sounds nice. I need you to do me a favor this morning. Even though I'm sure nobody expects me, I can't just not show up at the nursery. But I really don’t feel like talking to anybody there either. So when you get to work can you call and talk to Anthony and tell him I won't be in today or tomorrow?"

"I'm not sure he's gonna want to talk to me."

"It's not a social call, just tell him I won't be in. Please?"

"Of course I will."

Joey scrambled the eggs and took a platter of hash browns and bacon out of the oven. He held Connor on his lap as we sat at the counter and ate.

"This is a feast compared to the Pop-tarts I usually have for breakfast."

"Don’t get spoiled. I'm not going to be staying home to cook for you every day."

After breakfast I quickly showered, shaved and got ready for work. I gave Connor and Joey each a kiss good-bye, reminding Joey that he was to be at my office in four hours. I hated leaving them alone but Joey seemed to be feeling better than he had the night before.

When I got to work I called the nursery and asked for Anthony. I wasn't sure who answered the phone but it sounded like Vinnie. Fortunately, he didn't ask who I was. After a minute, Anthony came on the line.

"Hey Anthony, it's Ben." Silence. "Joey asked me to call. He won't be in today."

"I figured as much. How is he?"

"Not so good. That talk with your parents took a lot out of him last night."

"Yeah, from what I heard I don’t think anyone handled it very well. Tell him to call me if he wants to talk about it. And Ben?"

"Yeah?"

"Take care of him."

"Don’t worry about that, Anthony. I will. I'll make sure he's all right."

Joey and Connor showed up at my office about a quarter to twelve. They were both a big hit. For years my co-workers and their spouses had been bringing their kids into the office to show them off. That wasn't my point in asking Joey to come by, but I was glad to have the chance to turn the tables on everyone. They'd all met Paul several times and knew we'd broken up last year, but I'd only recently begun talking about Joey in the office. I hadn't taken him to the company Christmas party because that would have been too difficult for him to explain to his parents, so this was everyone's first chance to meet him. Some of the young women were very impressed and couldn't take their eyes off him. The combination of Joey and Connor was like a one-two punch. The two of them scored a knockout with everyone.

Joey

I spent most of the morning cleaning the house, not that it really needed it. Cleaning was just a great way to work off nervous energy. Of course, I couldn't stop my mind from replaying the scene from the night before, especially the looks on my parents' faces. With Pop it had been more deep thought, concern and maybe a little sadness. From what he'd said, I think his main concern was my happiness and he didn't see that as a possibility if I chose a life with Ben. I'm sure he also had all of the old preconceptions about homosexuality firmly imbedded in his head as well. Mom's expression alternated between disappointment and anger, with a touch of disgust thrown in now and then. I knew from the way she'd talked about Ben that Mom had real issues with the morality of homosexuality. But she was also used to getting her way within the family. On top of everything else, she viewed my being gay as a rejection of her.

By late morning I got up the courage to turn on my cell phone. Only six voice mail messages.

Anthony: "Hey Joey, it sounds like things didn't go very well. Call me if you need to talk. Take care of yourself."

Vinnie: "Are you out of your fuckin' mind? That pervert's got you brainwashed. I'm gonna have to beat some sense into you."

Donna Marie: "What's gotten into you? I think you're a little old to be experimenting around like this. Grow up and get real, Joey. You've got responsibilities. Your little fling is hurting a lot of people."

Tony: "Hang in there, Uncle Joey. This isn't gonna be easy with this family, but some of us are on your side. I'm here if you need me."

John: "Are you trying to kill Mom and Pop? What the fuck's wrong with you? If you're horny and want a blowjob there's plenty of girls willing to do that."

The last call wasn't really a message. There was silence, then the sound of a throat clearing, then a few more seconds of silence. I didn't recognize the number. Since I had messages from everyone I expected to call it was probably a wrong number.

Pretty much what I expected. Hostility from John and Vinnie, cautious support from Anthony, confusion from Donna Marie. The complete acceptance and support from my nephew Tony made me want to hug him. I so needed that from someone in the family. I had just finished going through the messages a second time when Ben's phone rang. I thought it might have been Ben calling me but I still didn't think I should answer it. I let it go to the machine and listened for the message.

"Joey, it's Sal. If you're there, pick up the phone. Joey?"

I took a deep breath and picked up. Sal probably knew Ben better than anyone in the family since he was in charge of the crew that did all of the work on Ben's yard.

"Hey Sal. What's up?"

"Don’t play innocent with me, kid. You're full of surprises, aren't you?"

"Not anymore. I think I've shown my whole hand now."

"Well, the shit really hit the fan with this one. I've never seen this family in such an uproar."

"That wasn't what I intended but I suppose I expected it."

"You caught everyone by surprise. I guess I should have seen it coming, though, thinking back now on the way you guys looked when you were together or even when you talked about each other."

"So you're okay with it?"

"Well, the whole subject makes me a little uneasy, especially thinking about the specifics. But from what I've heard, you don't exactly have a choice in these matters. You've gotta play the hand you're dealt. So I guess if you're gonna be with a guy, Ben's a good one. I like him a lot."

"So do I, though obviously in a different way."

"You'd better believe it. So what are you going to do now?"

"I guess I'll stay here until things quiet down a bit and then see where everyone stands. What is everyone like so far?"

"Well, John and Vinnie are off the wall, as you can imagine. Anthony is trying to keep everything calm. Your father is quiet, even more than usual."

"How's Donna Marie taking it?"

"Not real well, but not terrible either. She's a lot like your mother, though a bit more modern in her thinking. I think she's a little bit in denial but once it sinks in she'll probably handle it okay. I'll work on her."

"Thanks, Sal. I really need all the help I can get. I'm taking tomorrow off but I'll be in on Saturday to try to get caught up with my work. That means working with Vinnie but I can't avoid him forever."

"I'm sure he'll have stopped cursing by then. And I'll be working on the equipment in the shop out back on Saturday if you need me."

Lunch with Ben turned out to be a great idea. I needed the distraction and meeting his coworkers took me out of my problems, at least for a few minutes. Afterward, we went to the Livingston Mall and had lunch at Applebee's. Once we were there just being with Ben was a good enough distraction, although we did end up spending quite a bit of time talking about my situation.

"I hope you don't mind putting up Connor and me for a while, Ben. I know it was kind of sudden, just moving in on you like that."

"You know you two can stay with me as long as you want, Joey. You can stay forever, for that matter."

"Thanks, Ben. I suppose that at some point we would have talked about living together but I didn't expect it to happen so soon or so fast."

"That's okay. Sometimes the best decisions are the ones you don't actually make. Have you talked to anyone in your family yet today?"

I told him about my voice mail messages and the call from Sal. "Can you watch Connor for me Saturday if I go into work?"

"Sure, no problem. What are you going to do during the week, though?"

"At this time of year I can probably get away with only working a few half days plus Saturday. I was thinking that maybe day care is the best option, even if just once or twice a week. I've never been crazy about the idea, but as you pointed out, it'll give Connor some experience being around kids his own age. I've gotta look on the positive side. I'll talk to Gina and see if she can watch him now and then, too. Mom, Rita and Carla are definitely out, and I'll wait until Sal has a chance to work on Donna Marie before I ask her."

"I called my mother this morning and told her what you were going through. She offered to help in any way she can. Maybe she can do some baby-sitting."

"That's really sweet of her, but she hasn't even met Connor yet."

"Well, she's crazy about you and wants to help. And don’t worry about her with Connor. She may not come across as motherly, but she didn't do such a bad job raising me."

I looked into Ben's eyes and thought how lucky I was to have someone like him love me. I reached across the table and took his hand in mine. "Yeah, I'd say she did a very good job with you."

Just then the waitress walked up and asked if we wanted dessert. She looked down at our hands and made a face that indicated distaste. I lifted Ben's hand to my lips and kissed it lightly, then looked up at the waitress and smiled.

"Just the check, please."

I was so nervous when I got to the nursery on Saturday. I knew there was no way I was going to reach any kind of understanding with Vinnie. Until business picked up in the spring our weekend hours were limited to nine until three on Saturdays, so I only had to get through six hours. I was planning on spending as much of that in the office as possible. Vinnie could handle the customers.

I usually got to work before Vinnie but he was waiting for me at the front counter when I arrived.

"What the fuck are you doing, Joe? How did that perv brainwash you?"

"He didn't brainwash me, Vin. I just fell in love."

"Love? Are you out of your fuckin' mind? With Jenny, that was love. I don’t know what this is. He's playin' games with you, taking advantage of you."

"Yeah, I was in love with Jenny. I always will be. But this is love, too. Ben's not taking advantage of me. He loves me."

"Shit! You've been an emotional mess since Jenny died. Anyone would be, but you were always sensitive anyway. Now he comes along, pervin' for your body, playin' up to you, making you feel like he cares. But he's just using you! I can't believe you're so messed up that you'd let a guy get to you that way. You're not queer, Joey!"

"I don’t like that word, but I am gay, Vinnie. And Ben's not just after my body."

"So you're a fag now? What were all those years with Jenny about, a lie? You sure didn't look like you were faking it with her."

"I wasn't. I told you, I loved her. But she was the only woman I ever felt that way about. Except for Jenny, my attractions have always been toward guys."

"Fuck, so you're telling me that all this time you've been sneakin' around, sucking cock, taking in up the ass?"

I had to stop and take a deep breath to calm down. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I was getting nowhere with him.

"I haven't been sneaking around, until the last couple of months, anyway. Ben's the only guy I've ever been with."

Vinnie just shook his head.

"The idea of that queer touching you makes me want to puke. And you touching him back… I can't even think about it. You're wrecking this family and ruining your life doing this, Joey. I was gonna cut you a break on this, figuring you were going through some kind of delayed emotional reaction to Jenny dying, or some psychological crap like that. But it sounds to me like you know exactly what you're doing and it makes me sick. So as long as you feel the way you do, you're out of my life. Stay away from me and stay away from my family. I want nothin' to do with you if you're gonna throw your life away like this."

I started to reply but he just held up his hand.

"I'm through talking. Not another word until you come to your senses. Go in the office and do whatever work you have to. From now on, unless it's business, I don’t want to even talk to you." He turned his back on me.

I went into the office, took off my coat and sat down at my desk. Well, at least it couldn't get any worse.

Ben

For the rest of the week after Joey and Connor arrived at the house on Wednesday we kept pretty much to ourselves. I went to work of course, but we stayed home Thursday and Friday evenings. I'd talked to Becky and she offered to come over, but I thought Joey needed some time to get his head together.

Saturday Joey went back to work and I stayed home with Connor. Mostly he kept busy with his toys in the playpen while I paid bills and did some paperwork, but I spent lots of time with him, too. Joey had done all the housework while he was home so I didn't have my usual chores to do. Connor and I played with his toys but my favorite thing to do with him was to sit him in my lap and read to him. He was fascinated by his picture books and it didn't matter how many times I read the stories to him; he got a big kick out of it every time.

Joey came home a little after three and looked drained. I'd delayed Connor's usual after-lunch nap so we could have time to talk if he wanted to. He did, but he wanted a nap as well, so after putting Connor in his crib, Joey and I stripped down to our boxers and got into bed ourselves. We lay facing each other and I gently stroked Joey's face as he told me about his conversation with Vinnie.

"It was no worse than I imagined, but that still didn't make it easy. At least it's behind me now, although the constant tension and underlying hostility is pretty wearing."

"There was no glimmer of hope there? No sign that maybe he was trying to understand?"

"Vinnie understand? Remember who we're talking about here."

"Yeah, I know, I expect him to hate me, but deep down he loves you. Maybe he can get past this, given time."

"I'm not holding my breath. Vinnie's always been stubborn and he feels very strongly about this. Now there's only John to face. He may be even worse than Vinnie, but at least Pop and Anthony will be around when I see him next week so he'll have to tone it down a bit."

"When are you going to be able to go back to work again?"

"I don’t know. Monday morning I'm going to check out those two day care centers I called yesterday." A couple of mothers I worked with had recommended two local centers. "And I have to call Gina. She works at home so she can probably watch Connor a little as well."

"Don’t forget Mother. She called today and invited us over for brunch tomorrow but I told her I'd have to see if you were up to it. I think it will do you good to have a little supportive family around you. And she and Connor could get to know one another."

"Are you sure, Ben? I don’t want to impose."

"Joey, we're family now. It's not imposing. I love you and so do they."

Joey looked like he was going to cry so I pulled him into a tight hug and held him for a long time. After a while he turned and I put my arms around him again, this time spooning him from the back, and we fell asleep like that.

Mother's invitation was for a casual brunch Sunday afternoon. Joey wasn't in a very good mood when he got home from church but he wanted to go. We'd spent enough time at home staring at each other and holding each other. We both knew we had to start getting back to some kind of normal life.

Mother and Sam greeted Joey warmly and both made a big fuss over Connor. For a casual brunch for just the five of us Mother had laid on quite a spread. There were bagels, pastries, lox, cream cheese, several kinds of fruit and yogurt, in addition to the entrée of Eggs Benedict with home fries. While we stuffed ourselves Joey ran down the reactions of his various relatives.

"I saw Mom in church this morning and she wouldn't even acknowledge me. She and I always went to ten o'clock Mass so I went at eight, hoping to miss her. I guess she was thinking the same thing and went early, too."

"Maybe we could go to Holy Family Church in Florham Park for a while, if you'd prefer, Joey."

"Thanks, Ben, but I've been going to St. Vincent's all my life and it's sort of like home to me. I get so much comfort from the familiarity there. Maybe I can work something out through Gina so Mom and I go at different times. Wait a minute, did you just offer to go to church with me?"

"It must really be love if Ben is willing to go to church. How many years has it been?"

"You know I went Christmas Eve, Mother, though it was probably twelve years before that. Yes, I'll go with you if you like, Joey. I know it's important to you."

"Maybe I could talk to your mother, Joey. Do you think that might help?"

"I don’t know, Gale. I think she kind of blames my being gay on Ben, and she probably blames his being gay on you."

"Someone has to tell her that there is no blame here. As a mother who's been there I might be the one who could get through to her."

"But you never had a problem with me being gay, Mother. You were always so supportive."

"Yes, I tried to be supportive, but it wasn't easy at first. There weren't any warning signs that you were gay and I wasn't prepared. You didn't date in high school but in college you were pretty close with Becky's sister, so I just assumed you were straight. And while I always tried to come across as sophisticated, I wasn't really very worldly. You were everything to me, Ben, and while nothing would have ever made me stop loving you, I panicked for a while. I read books, called hotlines, went to PFLAG meetings. There was so much I needed to learn, and at the same time I wanted to be there for you. Like I said, it wasn't easy at first."

"I never knew. You were just so accepting and loving. I was so afraid of losing you but you gave me the love I needed. I know I've thanked you before but I don’t think that words will ever be enough to tell you how much that meant to me."

I'd never realized that Mother had had a hard time with my coming out. Her support had been so unwavering that I'd taken it for granted. Mrs. Napoli's reaction had made me realize how lucky I was. If Mother had turned away from me when I came out I would have been devastated. Knowing how she had struggled made me feel even more blessed. The conversation had the opposite effect on Joey. From his silence and the look on his face I could tell he was feeling the loss of his mother's love even more. Mother noticed it too. She got up, walked around behind his chair and bent over, wrapping her arms around him.

"Give her time, Joey. She's had more of a shock than I did. Your life up until now didn’t prepare her for this. Neither has her background. But she loves you, I know she does. We're all behind you and we'll get you through this."

Joey

Monday morning I checked out the two day care centers and made my decision. Connor would be spending Tuesday and Thursday mornings at the one on Hanover Road. The rates they'd quoted me on Friday on the phone had been based on full-time but since he was only going to be there two half-days it was going to cost more than I'd planned. It's a good thing Gale had offered to watch Connor a half-day a week and Ben was taking Saturdays, because the day care was going to cost nearly as much as I made while he was there. Ben had told me not to worry about money, but I had to contribute something toward household expenses.

Gale came over to the house at twelve and after I'd shown her where all of Connor's supplies, clothes and toys were, I stalled around for a bit. He seemed to like her, he liked nearly everyone, but I was a little on edge about leaving him with someone new. Gale finally shooed me out the door.

"Go on to work now, baby. I know you're nervous leaving Connor with me but he'll be just fine. And I know you're a bit anxious about facing your family, too. Just keep in mind that deep down they love you. They may not act like it right now, but they'll remember, sooner or later." She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

"Thanks, Gale. Your support means a lot to me."

"You're part of my family now, and I love you. Now get out of here and leave me to get acquainted with this beautiful little boy."

I was a wreck when I got to the nursery. I really didn't know why. I knew I had nothing to fear from Anthony or Sal and I'd already had it out with Vinnie. That just left John and he probably wouldn't be any worse than Vinnie. Actually, it went a little smoother, though no better, with him. He was at the cash register when I walked in.

"So you've decided you're queer now, huh, Joey?"

"I'm gay, John, and it's not something I decided. It just is."

"You decided you'd rather have dick than pussy. That was a decision."

"I meant that we don’t get to choose our sexual orientation and we don’t get to chose who we fall in love with."

"You don’t care what you're doing to our family, do you Joe? You've ripped Mom's heart out, Pop looks like an old man all of a sudden. The whole family is in an uproar. We all care about you but all you care about is your dick. Have you thought about how this is going to affect Connor? Do you give a shit about your son at all?"

My fists clenched involuntarily at John's comment about Connor. I took a deep breath before I answered him.

"I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that John, because you know better."

"How generous of you," he sneered. "And it's not just your kid you're affecting with this. This gets at all of our families. Vinnie's been worried enough about James lately. You know how that kid always looked up to you. Now he's completely withdrawn, he's just freaked out over this bombshell of yours. And what are we supposed to tell the little kids about this perverted life you're choosing?"

"Tell them the truth, that I'm gay. They'll know what that means. You don’t have to talk about sex, just tell them I love Ben."

"Forget that shit. I'm not gonna make my kids think that this is somehow acceptable behavior. As far I'm concerned, I agree with what Vinnie told you on Saturday. As long as you're playing this game, you're not my brother. You are no longer a part of my family. Just stay out of my way."

He turned and walked toward the adjoining greenhouse. I took another deep breath and headed back toward the office. My feet felt like they were made of lead as I neared the door. Pop was at his desk, his back to me. Margaret saw me before I was even in the room and jumped up to excuse herself. She hurried past me out into the shop.

Pop turned and looked up at me. John was right; he'd looked so good when he got back from Italy a week ago and now he looked so much older.

"Hey, Pop, how are you?"

"As good as can be expected given the circumstances."

He shrugged. There was a long silence as I got settled at my desk. He finally spoke up again, but very softly. I turned and he was looking at the wall in front of him.

"I just don’t understand these things, Joey. Maybe I'm too old. I know boys play around together sometimes. That's normal, it's curiosity, that's all. But you're not a boy any more."

"Yes, I know lots of young guys experiment, Pop. I probably would have if there'd been any guys around who were my age when I was growing up. But this isn't curiosity. It isn't a phase. It's always been a part of me and always will be."

"I want so much for you to be happy, Joe, but there's no future in something like this. Where can it lead?"

"I don’t know, Pop, where does love usually lead? To happiness maybe?"

Pop just shook his head again. "Please be careful, son. Take care of yourself and Connor, too. I'm so worried about you."

"Ben's taking good care of us both." I hesitated. "How's Mom? Is she handling this any better now that she's had a few days to think about it?"

"You know your mother. Once she makes up her mind it stays made up. And she feels very strongly about this. She's angry, she's disappointed and she's hurt. She'll calm down after a while, but I don’t think she's going to change her mind anytime soon."

"I guess we'll just have to wait then. I want you to know that I hate it that I've upset you both so much, but I love you too much to be dishonest with you. Once I realized that I'd fallen in love with Ben it was hard to keep quiet about it, but I didn’t want to hurt you. But hiding it and lying hurts everyone more in the long run. Please know that I love you very much, Pop."

There was a long silence. "I love you too, son."