Second Wind

Chapter Twenty-Two

Joey

Tuesday I left Connor at the day care center for the first time. He'd always been good around people; he was exposed to so many in my family. But he'd never spent any time around kids his own age. He seemed curious about the other kids but kept to himself, just observing them.

"Don’t worry about him, Mr. Napoli. He'll be fine. Ten minutes after you leave he'll be playing with the others as if they were lifelong friends."

The manager was very reassuring but I still felt a tug on my heart as I left the room. Connor was standing in the middle of the room ignoring the toys in front of him, staring at the other children as if they were aliens.

"I'm sure he will be. He's generally good with people." I tried to reassure myself. "Don’t forget Mr. Donnelly is picking him up a little after four."

She looked through Connor's file. "That's right, here's a copy of his driver's license for ID and your signed permission for him to pick Connor up. So go now, just leave everything to us. Connor is in good hands."

I knew that but it still didn't stop me from worrying all afternoon. That combined with the tension of being around John and Vinnie didn't make for a pleasant time at the nursery. At least it was only for a half-day. When I got home from work at five-thirty, Ben was sprawled on the couch in the family room reading a book and Connor was on the floor playing with Lula. He jumped up and ran to me. I was a little more sensitive about his mood than usual but his greeting seemed no different than when I came home to Mom and Pop's house after work. I picked him up and hugged and kissed him. While I was doing that Ben got up and joined us in a family hug.

"You see, babe, he's fine. All that worrying for nothing."

"Worrying? Who said I was worried?" I put Connor down and he went back to Lula. I watched as Ben went into the kitchen and took a bottle of chardonnay from the refrigerator. He poured two glasses and handed me one. We tapped glasses in a silent toast and sat on the couch together.

"You didn't have to say anything. I've got the bruises from all of your tossing and turning in bed last night."

"Oh, c'mon, I wasn't that bad."

"No, but I could tell it was on your mind. I know this has been a tough week for you, Joey. I just wish there was some way I could make it all better."

"You do make it better, Ben. You have been so supportive. This all hasn't been easy for you, either. First you had to put up with a lover who was in the closet, now you have to deal with the fallout from my coming out."

"First of all, it's not as if you were living in the closet. You've lived with confused, conflicting feelings your whole life and in a very short time you managed to put them all in order and deal with them. And as soon as you got your own head together on the subject you started working on a way to share your truth with your loved ones. That's not the same as building a life in the closet."

"Well, we did do quite a bit of sneaking around and shading the truth for a while. I know you couldn't have been comfortable with that."

"No, I'll admit I'm not used to that and I couldn't live like that for long. But I understood that you were working your way through it. You weren't trying to live a lie, you were trying to find a way to the truth without hurting anyone."

"I didn’t exactly do a very good job, did I? I really made of mess of things. Everyone's life is turned upside down, including yours."

"You can't control how other people are going to react. That's up to them. And don't worry about disrupting my life. I love having you and Connor here." He hesitated a few seconds, then went on. "I hope that even after things get better with your parents, that you two will stay here with me. I know we didn't plan on moving in together like this so soon, but this is the way I want us to be."

"I don’t think things are going to smooth out with my parents anytime soon, but I agree that I like being here with you. Maybe we were pushed into it, but I think this is where we belong."

I took Connor over to see Gina after lunch on Wednesday. From what Anthony had said she was handling my coming out better than most of the family. I had been hoping to arrange for her to watch Connor a half day each week, but between Gale and the day care center I wasn't sure I needed any more regular help. We discussed it over coffee and she offered to help out on an as-needed basis. I took her up on that on the spot.

"So you're okay with having a gay brother-in-law?"

She looked at me thoughtfully. "You were younger than Connor when I started dating Anthony. I even changed one or two of your diapers in those early days. So I've known you for just about your entire life. I've watched you grow from a sweet boy into a wonderful young man. I've always loved having you as a brother-in-law and your being gay doesn't change that."

"Thanks, Gina. I wish everyone would look at it that way. I'm still the same guy I always was."

"I know, Joey, and I think the others will see that too, after a while. Some of them were pretty shocked."

"And you weren't?"

"I'll admit I didn’t see it coming, but I've known other gay people and Tony's best friend is gay, so I just don’t see what the big deal is all about."

"How about the rest of the women in the family? I've heard from all of the guys. I assume you've talked to the women."

"Well, you know your mother. She's pretty strong in her opinions and this has really thrown her, so she's dug herself in. It may be a while before she comes around. Donna Marie is not quite so bad and Sal is working on her so there's hope there. Vinnie pretty much has Rita under his thumb as usual. Whatever he says she goes along with. And Carla and John might as well be the same person. I don’t think he influences her so much as that they always think so much alike."

"So if Sal can soften up Donna Marie maybe I'll at least have half a family."

"For now, Joey. I'm sure it will get better soon."

I had decided to take advantage of my mother's regular salon appointment to go over to my parents' house for more of my things so I asked Gina to watch Connor for a little while. It would be easier to pack if I didn't have him along and I wasn't sure how he'd react to being back at the house for only a brief visit. He'd probably take it in stride like he did most things, but I didn't want to take a chance on confusing him.

On the way over to the house I thought about how nice it was to have someone like Gina in the family. She had always been like another big sister to me and it was good to have some family left. I'd considered inviting her and the family over for dinner sometime, but I had to talk to Ben first. Connor and I might have moved in, but it was still his house. I pulled into the driveway and parked next to the back door. When I walked in the door I froze in my tracks when I saw Mom in the kitchen.

"What are you doing here?"

"I could ask the same of you. At least I've got an excuse. I still live here."

"But you should be at your hair appointment."

"You think I can ever show my face at the salon again after the way that woman talked about you in front of everyone? People are staring at me all over town. Everybody has heard about it."

"Oh c'mon, Ma, you're just imagining that. Most people don’t even know us and those that do don't care."

"We're a big family and we're known in town. You've disgraced the whole family. Yesterday when I was shopping two ladies in the supermarket commented on you moving in with that man."

"That man has a name, Ma. It's Ben, remember? And I don’t care who knows I'm living with him. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I love Ben." Mom frowned.

"Well you should be ashamed. It's a disgrace, this decision you've made. I don’t know what you're thinking of. This just isn't like you, Joey. I know you don’t want to see a therapist but maybe you should see a doctor. Maybe you've had a small stroke or something that's affected your brain."

"My brain is fine and I'm not crazy. I know what I'm doing. You're just going to have to get used to it."

"Never! I won't have any part of it. You'll come to your senses and see that I'm right. Until then if you're not going to listen to me don’t talk to me. If you came here thinking I was going to change my mind you've got another think coming."

"I was pretty sure you weren't going to turn around that quickly, Ma. Actually, I just came to get some more of my things."

"Then get them and go!" She turned to the stove, took a deep breath and spoke in a calmer voice. "How's Connor?"

"He's fine, Ma. Gina's watching him."

"The least you could do is think about him in all of this."

"I do, Ma. I always think of him. You know that."

I went upstairs to my old room and went through my drawers, picking out what I needed and what Connor could use as well. It was a good thing Ben had bought toys for Connor for Christmas because I didn't want to stick around long enough to go through all of his things. I did go up to the attic and brought down a car seat to keep in Ben's car. It was a nuisance switching the one in the van back and forth.

Mom wasn't around when I came back downstairs. I heard a noise in the basement and figured she was deliberately avoiding me. Not that she was hiding, more like shunning. She hadn't seemed as angry and disgusted as she had been last week, but she was still firmly against my new lifestyle and took it as a personal offense.

Ben

It started snowing late morning Thursday. A nor'easter was coming up the coast and they were forecasting nearly a foot of snow before it moved on up into New England. Joey called me at lunchtime to let me know he wasn't going in to work so I wouldn't have to pick up Connor at day care. That turned out to be a relief since the roads were terrible by the time I left the office. The day care center was on the way home but I was glad I wouldn't be driving in that mess with Connor on the car. One thing I pride myself on is my driving, even in sloppy, snowy weather, but it's the other drivers you have to watch out for.

As much as I'd always loved Lula's warm welcome home, Joey's was infinitely better. The two combined, with Connor thrown in, was enough to put me in heaven.

"So, you played hooky today. Afraid of a little snow?"

"There isn't that much for me to do in the office that I can't catch up on Saturday. And as far as being afraid of the snow, as soon as the storm lets up I'll be out there plowing with my brothers. From what I saw on the Weather Channel, that looks like half the night and all day tomorrow."

"Damn, I forgot about that. How are you gonna get to the nursery? That minivan doesn't look like it can get through a foot of snow."

"Sal's gonna pick me up in his Jeep when it's time to start. He'll take me and Connor back to his place and I'll leave Connor with Donna Marie for the duration."

"You don’t have to do that, Joey. If we get as much snow as they're talking about my office will definitely be closed tomorrow so I'll be home all day. Connor can stay here with me."

"Are you sure you don’t mind having him that long? He can be a handful."

"I was fine with him last Saturday. We get along great. He tells me all of your secrets and we conspire against you."

"Hmm, I'll have to watch what I say to him from now on. I always thought he was on my side."

We had a quiet meal and spent the evening snuggling in front of the fireplace. It was a relaxing, romantic evening, watching the snow fall in the backyard, listening to soft music on the stereo. We turned in early, since we didn't know when Sal would be calling. According to the forecast the storm was supposed to end before dawn, so the call would probably come in the middle of the night.

The phone woke us up at three o'clock. Joey had time for a cup of coffee and some oatmeal before Sal arrived. I filled one thermos with coffee and another with hot soup for him to take along. When I opened the back door to let Lula out, she hit a wall of snow that was almost as high as her back. Since Joey was dressed he went out and shoveled a small space for her on the patio. He came back in, stamping his feet to get the snow off them.

"Damn, there must be ten inches out there."

"You say that like ten inches is a bad thing."

"I was talking about the snow, slut. And if you think ten inches is so good, when I get home we'll get out that little toy I got you for Christmas and see how you like it."

"I think that's probably more like fourteen, but I'm sure I can handle it."

"You can't be serious!"

"Just kidding, Joey. I'm not the Holland Tunnel. You've got all I need to keep me happy."

I spent the morning alternating playing with Connor and reading. I re-shoveled the small area of the patio, enlarging it somewhat to give Lula a little extra room to find her spot. After lunch I put Connor in his crib for a nap and went into my office to do a little tax work.

About two in the afternoon I heard the sound of a plow scraping pavement very close by. I looked out the living room window and saw a small pick-up truck working on my driveway. I couldn't make out who was driving it. I knew it wasn't Joey because I'd talked to him a couple of times on his cell phone and he was working in Chatham, so it had to be one of his brothers. I put on a pot of coffee. No matter who it was I was sure they could use a cup about now. I wasn't sure John or Vinnie would accept, but I was going to offer.

When the driveway was clear the truck stopped at the end and the driver got out but I still had no idea who he was. Bundled up, they all looked the same. He got a snowblower off the back of the truck and started clearing the sidewalk out by the street. As he worked his way up toward the house I opened the door and held up a coffee mug. He nodded, so I left the door cracked open and went into the kitchen to fill the mug. When I turned back toward the front of the house Anthony was coming in the door. I breathed a sigh of relief and handed him the mug.

"There's sugar on the counter and milk in the fridge. I wasn't sure how you liked it."

"Thanks, Ben, black is fine." He took a long slow sip. "Good coffee. That really hits the spot. My thermos ran dry a while back."

"I wasn't sure who you were but I figured any of you would need something hot after all this time."

"You're right, but I don’t think there's any way Vinnie or John would have come into this house. They're working in Madison. Joey and Sal are covering Chatham and Tony and I have Florham Park."

"Tony's working for the nursery?"

"He's not going to make a career out of it, but he enjoys plowing and it's nice extra money for him while he's in school. And with him helping out Pop can stay home." He took another sip and narrowed his eyes. "How's Joey doing, Ben? Is he holding up okay?"

"He's doing all right. Not great, but okay. He knew the family reactions were going to be something like this so he had a chance to prepare himself, but I think he was still hoping it would have gone better. He's strong but he's sensitive, too. And the family means so much to him."

"I know. He's gone through so much in his life. I hate to see him have to deal with this. I wish Mom would at least ease up on him but I don’t think that's gonna happen for a while. And forget about John or Vinnie."

"Say, how would you and your family like to come over here for dinner on Sunday? Joey was talking about having you over and I know it would be good for him. And I'd like to get to know you all better. Other than Tony, I'm not sure which of the kids I saw on Thanksgiving were yours. Actually, I'm a little embarrassed to say I'm not even sure how many you've got."

"Four. Anita is a sophomore at County College and Carole is a junior in high school. Will is the baby at twelve, but I'd never call him that to his face. He thinks he's just about all grown up. I guess if we're all gonna be family it's time we got to know one another. I'll check with Gina but I'm sure Sunday will be fine."

"If you have a few minutes I could heat up some soup and make you a sandwich. You must be starving."

"I am but I'm swinging by the house after the next job and Gina's gonna feed me. Thanks anyway."

"Any idea when you guys will be done?" I was wondering how Joey was making out without food.

"From the way it's going and the length of my list, I'd say somewhere around nine or ten tonight. You're worried about Joey out there all this time, aren't you?" I nodded. "Maybe he and Sal have already done something about lunch but I'll call him and see if he can meet me at the house for something to eat if they haven't. Don’t worry about him. He's been doing this for years."

Anthony set his empty mug in the sink and fidgeted a few seconds, looking very uncomfortable.

"Ben, I want to apologize for what I said at my parents' house that morning I walked in on the two of you. You know, about what you two might be doing in bed. That was absolutely none of my business and it was rude of me. I was in a bit of shock about finding the two of you in Joey's bed and it was a gut reaction, but that still doesn't make it right."

"I understand, Anthony. That wasn't exactly the way we meant to break the news to you. Your apology is appreciated and accepted."

Joey

The plowing seemed to take forever. We had to start with customers on main roads since they were cleared first. Even though I could get through snowcovered roads in the truck there was no point in plowing driveways before the streets were done. As it was we were going to have to revisit all of our customers once we were done to make sure none of them had been plowed in again by the street crews.

The thermos of coffee Ben had made me only lasted until midmorning. After that I started on the soup, but that was gone by noon. It's just as well since there were no businesses open so no restrooms were available. I had an empty plastic jug to use as a urinal in case I needed it, which I did a couple of times by late morning.

In spite of the loud scraping sound the plow made, there was something peaceful about the work. Maybe it was being alone, surrounded by the pure white snow. I'd always enjoyed plowing, but after the week I’d had it was good to have this soothing time alone. Not entirely alone, of course. I called Ben a couple of times just to hear his voice. I knew he'd probably be worried about me since this was all new to him. And I was a little concerned about how he and Connor were making out. It sounded like they were both doing fine each time I called, though.

A little after one Sal called to see if I was hungry and anywhere near his house. I told him I was starving and not much more than a mile away, so we agreed to meet there as soon as we were each done with the job we were working on. I was a little nervous about seeing my sister since I hadn't talked to her since my coming out. Hearing that she was handling it 'somewhat better than Mom' wasn't very reassuring.

Sal was already at the house when I arrived. Donna Marie was a little cool, but not antagonistic. Sal and I sat at the kitchen table and she put bowls of steaming soup in front of us.

"Be careful what you say in front of the kids, Joey. I've been trying to downplay the reason for all of this family turmoil with them. I haven't wanted to upset them."

Just then my nine-year old nephew Tommy came into the room and sat down at the table.

"Hey, Tom, are you gonna join your dad and me for lunch?"

"Nah, we ate a long time ago." He watched us eat our soup for a few minutes while his mother made a couple of meatball sandwiches. "So how come you're not living with Grandma and Pop-pop anymore?"

"Well, that's kind of complicated." Just then his sisters, Lisa and Anna came into the room and joined us. "I think it was just time for me to get out on my own a bit. I'm all grown up now so I don’t have to live with my parents. You remember that Aunt Jenny and I had our own apartment."

"Yeah, but you were married to Aunt Jenny. And you're not really on your own. You're living with that friend from Thanksgiving, right?"

"That's right, Anna. Ben has a nice house in Florham Park with lots of room and I spend so much time over there anyway, so it made sense to move in." I noticed Lisa smirking as I said that. At fourteen she was the oldest so she probably had a pretty good idea what was going on. Anna was only twelve so maybe she wasn't as aware.

"So does that mean you're you going to marry Ben now, Uncle Joey?" I heard Donna Marie drop a dish in the sink and Lisa's smirk turned into a wide grin at Tommy's question. My sister may have thought she was keeping things from them but her kids were way ahead of her. There was no point in denying what was going on and I was glad I didn't have to.

"I'd like to someday, Tommy. I love Ben a lot. He's a fantastic guy."

"So you're really gay, Uncle Joey?" I nodded at Anna as I took a bite of my sandwich. "That's so cool. Wait until I tell my friends I've got a gay uncle."

"Now wait a minute, Anna. This is something within the family. I don’t think you should be telling anyone else about this." Donna Marie quickly jumped into the conversation.

"It's not a secret, sis, at least not any more. Besides, Mom seems to think the whole town is talking about it anyway."

"Yeah, I heard Grandma was really pissed."

"Lisa, watch your language!"

"Sorry, Mom. Anyway, Roseanne said Grandma wanted you to go to a shrink."

It sounded like Vinnie wasn't 'downplaying' the situation with his kids.

"You have to understand that your grandmother is pretty old-fashioned and this took her by surprise. But once she understands how much I love Ben I'm sure she'll be okay with it."

"When can we come over and visit you at your new house, Uncle Joey?"

"Well, Tommy, I'll have to talk to Ben. It's his house, you know, not mine. And then it's really up to your parents." I looked at Donna Marie and she was scowling, so I had a feeling they wouldn't be coming over anytime soon.

"Why don’t you kids go watch TV and let your father and Uncle Joey finish their lunch? They've got to get back to work."

Donna Marie definitely wasn't comfortable with the direction the conversation had taken. The kids left and Sal and I scarfed down the rest of our sandwiches while she refilled our thermoses.

"Thanks a lot, sis. That lunch was just what I needed. And don’t worry about the kids. They seem pretty cool with everything."

"I can't believe they're so casual about it. I was afraid they'd have all kinds of questions I couldn’t answer and they'd be upset."

"Give them a little credit. They know what's going on in the world. They're only gonna be upset about it if they see you're upset. To them it's no big deal, which is exactly how it should be."

'How can you say sleeping with another guy is no big deal?"

"You know what I mean. Of course the specific person I love is important, but it's no different than if I was in love with a woman. But you're right, Ben is really good in bed, so that is a pretty big deal." I smiled at Donna Marie's shocked look. "Thanks for the lunch and the coffee, sis."

I kissed her on the cheek, grabbed the thermos and slipped out the back door before she recovered enough to reply.

Ben

After Anthony left I went through the refrigerator and pantry to see what I had that I could make into a hearty hot dinner. If Joey was going to be out until nine he'd be starving by the time he got home even if he had some lunch with Sal. I got out my cookbook (Cooking For Dummies, a smart-ass housewarming gift from Becky) and found a recipe for beef stew that didn't look too hard. I had most of the ingredients and it looked like just the thing for Joey after a long day out in the snow. I carefully followed the directions and had it done in no time. I transferred the stew to the crock-pot to slow cook until Joey got home.

At six I set places for Connor and myself in the dining room to try out my creation. It was easier to feed Connor when he was sitting in a chair with arms. I didn't trust him not to topple off a stool at the counter. I was rather pleased at the result of my afternoon's work and Connor seemed to like the stew as well. As I fed him I marveled at what a laidback little kid he was. Even though he now knew me fairly well, we had been alone in the house together all day and he had been fine with it. I got him up in the morning, washed him, fed him, dressed him and kept him company. I'd even changed his diapers twice, which was two times too many as far as I was concerned, but hey, you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

Around eight, I got Connor into his pjs and put him to bed for the night. The entire day had passed and he hadn't seen his father yet he didn't seem worried. He had looked around now and then as if he were expecting something or someone and I'm sure he missed Joey, but he'd been great. I kissed him on the forehead, turned on the nightlight and left him to his dreams.

I went into the family room, lit a fire in the fireplace and curled up on the couch with a book and a glass of wine. I was starting to feel drowsy an hour later when I heard Joey coming in the front door. I jumped up and went to greet him.

He shrugged off his coat as I neared him. He looked exhausted. When he took his ski cap off his hair was plastered to his scalp. I hugged him and he returned the hug half-heartedly.

"Welcome home, babe. Long day, huh?"

"Very long. I'm so glad it's over. Hmm, something smells good in here. I can't believe you found a restaurant that was not only open but would deliver in weather like this."

I punched him lightly on the arm. "It's not take-out. I did a little cooking. Your son gave it a rave review."

"I'm starving, but first I've gotta check on Connor and then jump in the shower for a minute to wake me up and make me feel more human."

He headed down the hall toward the bedrooms, peeling off his layers of clothes as he walked. He stopped in Connor's room and just watched him sleep for a minute, then went into our room to finish stripping for the shower.

"Think you'll need some help?"

"A very tempting offer, but I don’t think I even have the energy to get it up. How about getting my dinner ready and I'll be out in a few minutes?"

"Sure thing, but don’t take too long or I'll come in after you."

"That's not exactly a threat, Ben."

I went into the kitchen and set a place for Joey on the counter. I got out some bread and poured a couple of glasses of merlot. When I heard the shower turn off I filled a plate with hot stew. Joey walked into the kitchen wearing a white robe, looking so sexy. I wanted to rip the robe off and ravish him on the floor. Knowing the kind of day he'd had I pushed those thoughts out of my head and sat across the counter from him. He carefully tasted the stew and then dug into it with relish.

"Damn, this is good. Who says you can't cook? You've been holding out on me, making me do all the work."

"As long as I've got a recipe I'm not too bad. As you've discovered, I'm pretty good at following directions."

He ate in silence and I sipped my wine as I watched him. He mopped up the last drop of gravy with his bread and drained his glass of wine.

"That does it, we're taking turns cooking from now on. I'm done being the housewife."

I cleared the counter, refilled our glasses and we went into the family room to enjoy the fire. I sat on the couch and Joey sat in between my legs, leaning back against me, the reverse of our usual positions. He let out a huge sigh. We sat in silence for a few minutes, just watching the fire. After a while I told him about my day with Connor and Anthony's visit. He then told me about his lunch at Donna Marie's.

"This isn't exactly the kind of life you were looking for, Ben. I'm really sorry things turned out this way."

"What do you mean that this isn't what I wanted? Are you sorry we ended up together like this?"

"No, I didn't mean that. It's just that you said right from the start that you wanted someone who would take care of you, who would give you security. And here you've got your whole life turned inside out, spending your days baby-sitting, helping me deal with my family's antagonism, holding me in your arms, trying to comfort me."

"I know I'm pretty insecure and I was looking for security, but that doesn't mean I can't take care of myself, or someone else, too, now and then. I've got some strength hidden inside me, though maybe in limited supply. But your love gives me strength and that has nothing to do with who's holding whom in their arms. I'll admit this doesn't look anything like what I imagined for my life, but there's nothing about it I'd change, except maybe if there was some way to make your family understand better."

"I hope you know how much I appreciate all you're doing for me. I'm gonna make it up to you, I promise."

"There's nothing to make up, babe. That's what love is all about. I take care of you when you need it and you take care of me when I need it. And I think we both know that overall I'm gonna need a lot more taking care of than you."

We lay on the couch together while the fire burned down. Joey's breathing became deep and rhythmic and I knew he was asleep. I meant what I'd said to Joey; that I wouldn't change a thing about how things were turning out between us. When there was nothing left in the fireplace but glowing embers, I shook him lightly and kissed him on the top of the head.

"C'mon, babe, time to go to bed."