Second Wind

Chapter Twenty-Five

Ben

We ran into Mother's house and picked up Connor. He was sound asleep and didn't wake up much as Joey carried him to the car. I very briefly explained to Mother that there was a bit of a family emergency and we were off again. I drove quickly but carefully to Madison. I turned onto Greenwood Avenue and had only gone a couple of blocks when we saw flashing red lights turn a corner ahead and come racing toward us. An ambulance flew past us heading back toward Main Street, followed by an SUV.

"That was Vinnie's car behind the ambulance." Joey was half turned around in the seat watching the two vehicles disappear in the distance behind us.

"Do you want to turn around and go after them?"

"No, I'm sure they're heading for the hospital in Morristown. There must be someone at the house watching the kids. Let's go there." He swiveled back around in the seat and was about as fidgety as the seat belts would allow.

I turned into the side street the ambulance had come out of and halfway down the block there was a house with lights on in nearly every window. Joey had me pull over and park. He picked up Connor and we went up the sidewalk. He opened the door and went in without knocking. Mrs. Napoli was sitting on the couch with one arm around a young boy and the other around a slightly older girl. A teenage girl was sitting on a chair with Mr. Napoli perched on the arm, his arm around her shoulder. All three kids were wearing pajamas and looked sleepy and scared. Anthony was standing near the door.

"What are you doing here?" Mrs. Napoli looked up at Joey, appearing surprised to see him. "Haven't you done enough damage? You had to drag Connor out this late at night, too?"

"James called me, Ma. We were at a party."

"I know he called you. Rita told me." She did a little double-take. "You took Connor to a party with you?"

"Of course not, Ma, we left him with Ben's mother. She was watching him. We were just picking him up when I talked to Vinnie."

"Ben's mother?" she sputtered. Her eyebrows flew up and I thought she was going to explode.

Anthony stepped over to us and put one arm around my shoulder and the other around Joey. "Let's step outside for a minute, guys."

We followed him back out the front door, stopping at the foot of the steps.

"Mom's freaking out about this and I don’t want the kids to get any more upset."

"Is James okay? What's going on?" Joey quickly told Anthony about the phone calls.

"He was unconscious and they're taking him to the hospital. Rita couldn't wake him up and neither could the paramedics. There was an empty prescription bottle on the table next to the bed. As near as Rita can figure there were 20-25 tranquilizers in it. That's a huge overdose. I guess a lot depends on how long ago he took them. Vinnie said he was upset after the blowup at the Mom and Pop's and left not long after you did. He was in his room when they got home at nine-thirty so they didn’t see him."

"He left the message on my phone a little after nine but I have no way of knowing if he'd taken the pills then."

"Look, why don’t you go on home, guys? There's nothing much you can do here. Gina and I are going to stay with the kids. Mom is too upset to be any help so Pop is gonna take her home in a few minutes. I'll call you when I hear something. It will probably be a long night."

"Okay." Joey seemed reluctant to leave. He put his free arm around Anthony. Anthony wrapped both his arms around Joey and Connor and held them in a long hug. "I'll pray for him."

"So will I, Joey."

We got back in the car and drove home in silence. Once in the house Joey took Connor to his room to get him ready for bed. I attended to Lula, then went into Connor's room. Joey had him in his pajamas and was sitting on the bed, holding him, humming to him. I watched as Joey rocked back and forth. I wasn't sure who was comforting whom.

When Joey put Connor in the crib we went into our room. I wrapped him in my arms and we stood in the middle of the room for a few minutes. I could feel him trembling in my arms.

"He's just gotta be all right, Ben. He's just gotta. It's all my fault. I should have answered the phone when he called."

"You had no way of knowing it was him or what was going on. It's not your fault."

"But I'm the reason he was so upset, going all the way back to when he saw us at the nursery."

"You tried to talk to him. So did I. It's not your fault the way he reacted. And Vinnie practically ordered you not to talk to him after you came out. If it's anyone's fault, it's his father's. His attitude is what set this up. But there's no point in blaming anyone. That doesn't help James now. All we can do is hope and pray they got him to the hospital in time."

"I know. Let's go to bed. I'm sure I'll never get to sleep but we could both use some rest. I feel like I'm going to collapse."

We slowly undressed and lay down. I was on my back and Joey lay on his left side next to me, his right arm draped across my chest. My right arm was wrapped around him and he nestled his head on my shoulder. It was the reverse of our usual position but it felt right. In spite of what Joey had said in less than a minute his steady rhythmic breathing told me he was asleep. It had been a long hard day for him and he was emotionally exhausted. I just lay there for a while, listening to my lover breathe. And though it had been years, I prayed. Not just for James, but for Joey and the whole Napoli family.

Joey

At some point early in the morning my phone rang and woke me up. I fumbled for it in the half-darkness and managed to answer before the voice mail kicked in. It was Anthony.

"Vinnie and Rita are home. James is still at the hospital but they think he's going to be okay. They're keeping him for observation. I'll call you later in the day when I know more."

"Thanks, Anthony."

Ben stirred and grunted next to me and I repeated Anthony's news. We were both asleep again in seconds. The next time I woke up it was daylight and the room was bright. I looked at the clock and saw that it was almost nine. I couldn't remember the last time I'd slept that late. I ran to the bathroom to empty my bladder and then went to check on Connor. He was standing in the crib, patiently waiting. I wondered how long he'd been up. I carried him into the kitchen where I let Lula out and put on the coffee, then I took him back to his room to change and dress him. When I was done I heard Ben up in the bathroom. He joined me for coffee in the kitchen in a few minutes looking like teenager in his boxers with his hair all messed up.

"You slept in for a change. Good for you. My bad habits are finally starting to wear off on you."

"I must have needed the sleep. Yesterday wasn't easy."

"No, it was a tough one. Any more news?"

"Anthony said he'd call later but nothing yet. Are you up for Mass?"

He groaned. "Sure, if you want, but aren't we supposed to go early?"

"We don’t have much choice at this point. Mom is gonna have to share the church with us. I'm not much in the mood to see her again but we'll have to deal with it and so will she."

We made it to St. Vincent's a couple of minutes past ten. Mass was just starting so we slipped into the last row. I looked around and saw Mom with Rita about halfway to the front on the other side of the aisle. When the service was over we went to wait outside. I didn't want to upset either Mom or Rita, but I was hoping for more information on James' condition. They came out the door and I could tell from the lines on their faces and the circles under their eyes that neither of them had slept well. Of course, Rita had been at the hospital all night. Maybe she hadn't slept at all.

"How is he, Rita? Anthony called and said he was doing pretty good." I was more than a little nervous talking to her and tried to ignore Mom.

"Good? I sat in the hospital all night watching him breathe, praying that each breath wouldn't be his last. I thought my baby was going to die." I put my arms around her and she softly sobbed for a minute. "But he's alive, so that's better than good. They pumped his stomach in the emergency room and put him on an IV with something to counteract the tranquilizers. Even so he didn't wake up until six o'clock and he was really groggy. The doctor said it would probably take him half the day to sleep it all off but once he woke up this morning, even though it was just for a few minutes, he was completely out of danger. Physically, anyway."

"Thank God. Let's hope he talks to someone and gets some help for what's bothering him. I feel like this is partly my fault. He's been upset about my relationship with Ben and I haven't been able to talk to him about it."

"I'm glad to see you admit the damage you're doing to this family, Joey." Mom gave me a steely look.

"I recognize that some people are having a hard time dealing with my relationship with Ben, Ma, but I'm not responsible for anyone's actions other than my own. I just wish I'd had a chance to talk to James and explain, though."

"I know the news about you was bothering him a lot, Joey, but this mood of his goes back quite a while. He's practically stopped talking to Vinnie the last few months. He's been less open with me, too, and he always used to talk to me about everything."

"Well, the hospital has lots of professionals whose job it is to get people to talk. He's in the right place to get help now."

Anthony called early in the afternoon. Apparently, James' emotional turmoil hadn't affected his appetite the night before and that is what saved him. Carole said she saw him down two full plates of food at the open house before our little fight. All that pasta and cheese had slowed down his digestion and kept the pills from getting into his system any faster.

I didn't get any more information about him over the next couple of days. I was only working afternoons and Vinnie was at the hospital some of the time, but he wasn't speaking to me anyway. He wasn't saying much to anyone. He seemed angry and stressed and kept pretty much to himself. I wasn't feeling so hot myself. I kept berating myself for not having made more of an effort to talk to James. It's not as though I hadn't done anything. I did talk to him on Christmas, though we'd been interrupted and James had used that as an excuse to practically run away. And then after James had come looking for me at Mom and Pop's house and run into Ben, I'd called and left a message for him. He was the one who didn't call back. At the time, considering everything else going on in my mind getting ready to come out, it hadn't seemed crucial and I thought I had made reasonable attempts to get in touch with him. But looking back…

Ben

For the next few days we didn't get much more news about James. Anthony said he was acting very withdrawn in the hospital. Joey was doing a bit of withdrawing himself. He was much quieter than usual and very distracted. I knew he was relieved that James had pulled though, but he was feeling guilt over the whole thing. At first it was because he hadn't answered his phone when James called. He felt that if he had, he might have been able to head everything off, from the overdose to the hospitalization afterward. But then there was the whole issue of James's reaction to finding out Joey was gay as well.

I tried to reassure Joey as much as I could. Whatever James' problems were couldn't be Joey's fault. Sure, seeing Joey and me kissing and finding out his uncle was gay seemed to aggravate his down mood, but it was more than that. Nobody attempts suicide just because a relative comes out. There was definitely something else going on in the boy's head. I was sure Joey understood that, but he was still spending a lot of time wrapped up in his thoughts.

Connor and I did our best to cheer him up; Connor just by being his adorable charming self, me by being there, talking to him, holding him, trying to comfort him. He seemed to react well to physical comforting. I had noticed how Connor always seemed to calm him down when Joey held him. I appeared to have the same effect on him. Joey spent a lot of time cuddling with me, holding me.

Tuesday afternoon I picked up Connor at the day care center after work and took him home as usual. I pulled into the driveway and pressed the button to open the garage door, drove in and hit the button again to close the doors. Connor was squirming, twisting and giggling in his seat in the back of the car. He loved the automatic door opener. I guess it looked like magic to him. The Napolis had a detached garage with old-fashioned manual doors that opened out. I got him out of his seat and carried him through the door into the family room. I'd just set him down on the floor to greet Lula when the doorbell rang. Keeping an eye on the two kids, I made my way to the front of the house. I was very surprised to see Rita standing at the door. She seemed a little uncomfortable when I opened the door, not looking me in the eyes but glancing over my shoulder.

"Um, is Joey here?"

"No, he's still at work but he should be home in a little bit. Would you like to wait for him?"

She hesitated. "Yes, I suppose so." She came in and I took her coat. I was hanging it in the closet when I heard Connor yell out.

"Reeee!"

He came charging toward his aunt. She bent down and picked him up and kissed him. I took him from her and removed his coat, hung it up and then took care of my own.

"Would you like something to drink? Coffee, tea?"

"Uh, sure, tea would be nice."

I led her to the kitchen and put on the teakettle. I let Lula out in the yard, apologizing to her for having to wait.

"Can you watch Connor for a minute while I get changed? I'm just getting in from work."

"Sure, go ahead. I knew that wasn't Joey's car pulling in but I saw Connor in the backseat so I took a chance. I'm sorry to inconvenience you."

"No problem, Joey should be here soon. He closed up yesterday so he won't be working late today."

"I know, Vinnie is closing today."

I went to the bedroom, got out of my business drag and quickly made a pit stop in the bathroom. I got back to the kitchen just as the kettle started whistling. I put the teapot and cups on the counter and added a plate of cookies. Then I poured some juice into Connor's plastic cup, snapped on the lid with the built-in straw and took it to him in the family room. I took a cookie from the plate and gave it to him, then joined Rita at the counter.

"All done, I think. How's James doing?"

"Not very good."

She didn't elaborate and I was hesitant to ask for more information. I wasn't family, after all. In fact, her part of the family seemed to regard me as 'the enemy', the one who was causing all of the trouble. Under other circumstances, I might have attempted a little neutral small talk to pass the time, but she was obviously preoccupied and wasn't very interested in talking to me, so I left her with her thoughts. We sat at the counter sipping our tea, watching Connor play with a toy on the floor.

It seemed like an hour but was probably only fifteen minutes when I heard Joey at the door. I think Rita and I both breathed a sigh of relief that our wait was over.

Joey

You could have knocked me over with a feather when I got home from work and found Rita and Ben sitting at the kitchen counter sipping tea. They weren't talking and they both seemed pretty uncomfortable and relieved to see me. I greeted Connor, who was on the family room floor with Lula, and then went over to Rita. She looked tired, with dark circles under her eyes. Ben got up and kissed me on the cheek and excused himself, saying he had work to do in his office. I knew that was the truth, but he was also giving Rita some privacy to talk to me.

I refilled her cup and poured one for myself and then sat down at the counter across from her. She acted a little hesitant, which was the way she usually was. Vinnie had a pretty strong personality and at times it was overwhelming. Rita was good at blending into the background.

"How did you know where Ben lived, Rita?"

"I called your father at the nursery and asked him to look it up for me."

"How's James doing? Is he feeling any better?"

"I don’t think so, Joey." She kept her eyes down, looking at her teacup rather than at me. "He won't talk to anyone. When Vinnie and I visit him he won't even look at us. He just stares out the window. The staff says he's not much better with them. He gives them one-word answers but that's about it. He's completely withdrawn into himself."

"The doctors haven't been able to get anything out of him?"

"Nothing. We have no idea why he took those pills and he seems worse than before." She started fidgeting with her cup. "I know I don’t have the right to ask, but I was hoping you would do me a favor."

"What do you mean, you don’t have the right to ask? You know I'll help in any way I can, though I don’t see what I can do."

"Well, Vinnie and I have been pretty antagonistic toward you lately so I would imagine that you're not feeling too kindly toward us. But I was wondering if you'd go to the hospital and try to talk to James."

"What makes you think he'd talk to me? He's been avoiding me since Christmas."

"You were always his favorite uncle, Joey. You know how much he used to hang around you and Jenny. And he did call you Saturday night. Maybe he'll talk to you."

"I'll try if you think it could help, but you know that Vinnie isn't going to like this."

She raised her eyes and suddenly she looked stronger and more defiant than I could remember seeing her. "I don’t care if Vinnie likes it. I'm trying to save my son."

"I'll do anything I can, Rita. Are you sure you don't have a problem with me talking to him?"

"I'm not going to lie and say I don’t have a problem with this new life you've picked out for yourself. I was raised to believe it was wrong and I don’t understand where this part of you came from. But, unlike Vinnie, I don’t think it's something that you can change, especially not just because someone tells you to. I've always loved you, Joey, and I always will, but I recognize that you're a grown man and you have to make your own decisions. I may not like this way you're living," she waved her arm around the room, "but it's your choice. I have no say in the matter."

That was a better attitude than I'd hoped for from her. She usually echoed Vinnie's opinions and I expected her to back him on this. She was more resigned than accepting of my relationship with Ben, but it was a start. If she could at least put up with it and not fight me, in time I was sure she'd see how right Ben and I were for each other. Rita didn't want to hang around very long since she wanted to get home before Vinnie to avoid questions. Before she left she suggested I go to the hospital the next day after lunch to see James since she and Vinnie would be there in the morning.

I took Connor with me when I went to the hospital. I knew that a psychiatric ward wasn't a very appropriate place for a toddler, but I was pretty sure the patients wouldn't be raving lunatics. Besides, James was crazy about Connor and if I couldn't get through to him maybe Connor could. When I got to the section of the hospital where James was I stopped at the nurses' station and was directed to a sunroom at the end of the hall. All of the patients on this floor wore street clothes rather than pajamas, so when I saw James sitting in a chair in the corner he didn't look much different than when he was at the party on Saturday.

Except for his eyes. He'd had a nervous, almost trapped, look every time I'd seen him the last couple of months. Now he had a distant, unfocused look. His facial expression was blank, even when he looked at me, although I thought I detected a trace of a smile at the corners of his mouth when he saw Connor. I put Connor in his lap and he carefully but firmly grabbed onto him. I settled in a chair a few feet away facing them and waited a minute, unsure what to say. James hardly seemed aware of my presence but he concentrated on Connor, fussing with him a bit. Finally, I dove in.

"So, James, I just stopped by to see how you're doing. I've been worried about you." No response; he didn't even look up. "Look, I want to apologize for not answering the phone the other night. I feel really bad that you wanted to talk to me and I wasn't there for you. You know how much I love you."

His eyes flickered briefly toward me but then went back to Connor.

"I also feel bad that I never got to talk to you about Ben and me. I know you were confused and upset and I should have made more of an effort to talk to you about it. I want so much for you to understand and be comfortable with it."

There was a long silence. I wasn't sure if I should have brought Ben up, whether that would make things better or worse. James looked over my shoulder out the window for a minute and then finally turned his eyes to me.

"I just don’t understand anything, Uncle Joey. You know how much I always loved you and Aunt Jenny. And now all of a sudden you're with that guy. And Dad says it's sick and disgusting. And the Church says it's a sin and totally wrong. You were always one of the greatest guys I've ever known. None of this makes any sense."

"I know it's confusing. I was pretty confused myself for a while and I'm a lot older than you. But I want you to understand. Ask me anything and I'll try to explain."

I was so relieved that he was talking. Apparently this was the most he had said since the overdose. I didn't want to ruin it by making speeches or saying the wrong thing so I figured it was best it he directed the conversation.

"How did you know that you were, um, gay? I thought you and Aunt Jenny were happy together."

This was the first question most people asked and I had reached a point where I could just push a button and play back the appropriate response on autopilot. But I didn't want to give James an automated answer so I slowly went through it, trying to explain growing up with Jenny, the total love I had for her, but also going through the physical attractions I'd felt toward guys, going back to my early teens.

"I know a lot of people have trouble coming to terms with being gay but that wasn't really the case with me. Because I was in love with Jenny, I didn't have to think about anything else much. I mean, it didn't really matter whether my attractions were toward guys or girls because I was with Jenny and I knew I wasn't ever going to follow through on them. And after I lost Jenny I didn't want anyone. I really didn't expect to ever fall in love again and didn't want to, to be honest. So again, physical attractions just didn't matter. And then I met Ben and my whole world turned upside down. I was in love again only this time it wasn't something I could easily share with everyone else. It was tough enough going through all of the emotions and uncertainties of a new relationship without having to wonder about how everyone else would react to it. But Ben was fantastic. He loved me, supported me, encouraged me and gave me the time to figure it all out."

"So you're happy like this? But isn't is wrong?"

"I'm very happy, James. I never thought I'd feel like this again after Jenny died. And I don't believe that love is ever wrong."

"But everyone else says it is."

"Not everyone. I think that the Church's position is more along the lines of condemning lust and promiscuity, not love. That, and the Church want to promote relationships that have the possibility of creating more Catholics."

"But what about what Dad says? He's off the wall about you and Ben and he's not at all religious."

"A lot of society's opposition to homosexuality today isn't based on religion, although maybe it goes back to that historically. It's just our culture. A lot of people get nervous about anything that's different, that they don’t understand. Most people go along with the majority, and think that anything different is wrong. With some guys it seems to threaten them in some way. Maybe they're insecure about who they are."

"My dad doesn’t seem insecure. He's pretty strong and assertive, like he knows without a doubt what's right and wrong."

"I don't know what your father's problem is, James. He's my brother and I love him and I know he loves me, but I just don’t know where this attitude of his is coming from. I'm hoping that it will fade as he gets used to the idea."

James seemed to have run out of questions. I'd given him a lot to think about, maybe more than I'd planned to, but I was glad I'd finally been able to explain what was going on in my life and why. He had so many conflicting ideas in his head and maybe now he could straighten them out and begin to make sense of them. We just sat in silence for a while. Connor climbed down off James' lap and wandered around near us. I watched the expressions change on James' face as he reviewed what we talked about and thought of new things.

Finally he turned to me and whispered very softly, "I'm gay, Uncle Joey."

A tear ran down his right cheek. I got up and pulled him up and took him in my arms and he broke down. I held him and tried to reassure him and comfort him as he sobbed. I noticed a staff member standing in the doorway looking concerned but I waved her off. He'd just said those words out loud for the first time in his life and it had taken a lot out of him, but it was an important first step toward coming to terms with his life. He didn't cry very long and when he had composed himself we both sat back down.

"I had a feeling you might be gay."

He looked panicked. "Why? Is it obvious?"

"No, there's nothing about the way you act that would make me think you're gay, not that you can tell with most people anyway. It's just the way you reacted to finding out about me. Ben and I discussed the possibility of you being gay as one explanation."

"You're not gonna tell him about this, are you?"

"Calm down, James. I won’t tell anyone if you don’t want me to, but Ben is a great guy who can probably help you deal with coming out better than I can. When you get to know him you'll see that he could be a great friend to you."

James looked doubtful. "I'm not sure I'm ready for anyone else to find out. Dad would kill me."

"I know he wouldn't handle it well but keep in mind that he's your father and he loves you. I think you should talk to the professionals here at the hospital before you think about doing or saying anything to anyone else. They have lots of experience with all these issues and can help you get your head together before you make another move."

"I guess you're right. They've been trying to get me to talk for days but I've felt like I was frozen, just completely locked up inside. I just couldn't."

"Well, maybe now that you've melted a bit it will be easier. Just take things at your own pace. There's no pressure on you to do anything you don’t want to, but the important thing is that you keep working on it, that you get more comfortable with who you are, because then you'll be able to deal with the rest."

"I'll try. And you can tell Ben about this if you want, but please make sure he doesn't tell anyone else."

"He won't, James. He's as much on your side as I am. We both just want what's best for you."

To be continued…