Second Wind

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Joey

I met Rita at the hospital at nine-thirty Monday morning. She had called after visiting James Sunday afternoon to find out Ben's reaction to her request that James stay with us. Connor and I were waiting in the lobby when she arrived.

"I'm so glad your friend was okay with James going home with you, Joey. The doctor wanted to discharge him but I had no place for him to go. Vinnie was adamant about sending him to an ex-gay camp before he came home."

"I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially someone as sensitive as James. I don't think Ben is crazy about the idea of having another person in the house, but he knows the situation and wants to help."

We walked the long corridor to the back of the building and then took the elevator to the fifth floor.

"I didn't say anything to James about this yesterday because I wasn't sure if Ben would go along with my idea."

I stopped short. "You mean James doesn't know he's going to be living with us?"

"No, he just knows he's leaving the hospital today. I didn't want to say anything in case it fell though."

"I don’t like the idea of springing this on him at the last minute but I guess we have no choice at this point."

James was in a therapy session so they told us we could wait in the lounge. When James walked in he seemed surprised to see me but thrilled to see Connor. He kissed his mother and sat down. Connor clambered up into his lap and James hugged him to his chest. He didn't seem as withdrawn as he had been the week before but he still looked scared. He knew he was being discharged; his therapy session had been about getting him ready to rejoin the outside world. Rita was nervous and ran through a fast explanation of where he was going and why. As he realized what she was saying a hurt look crossed his face.

"I knew Dad was off the wall about his, but don’t you want me either, Mom?" His lower lip quivered and I could tell he was fighting back tears.

"Of course I want you, honey. It's just that I don’t think it would be good for you to be around your father while he's in this mood. You need support, not antagonism."

"But what about the rest of the family? Isn't there anyplace else I can go?"

Rita and I ran down the rest of the family, explaining why it wouldn't work with any of them, due to space or attitude or both. After a while he looked out the window and I wasn't sure he was listening. When we'd finished putting as good a spin on the situation as we could he turned back toward us.

"This really sucks."

"James, I know you want to come home, and you will soon. I promise you. I'm working on your father. He'll soften up soon, you'll see."

"Right, like you've ever stood up to him in your life. He walks all over you and you let him do whatever he wants. My guess is that house will never be my home again." He gave her a look of contempt. Now Rita was the one who looked like she was going to cry.

"James, don’t talk to your mother that way. She's trying to do what's best for you. We all are."

"Yeah, whatever." He got up and walked over to the window. Rita and I stared at his back for a few minutes. When it looked like he wasn't coming back I went over to him, placing my hand on his shoulder. I felt him tense up when I touched him.

"I agree that this whole situation sucks, James. I wish you didn't have to go through any of this. But we can't always control everything that happens around us, especially other people's reactions to things. Let's just try to make the best of the way things are. Ben and I both want to help you."

He turned and looked me in the eye. "I don’t want to live with that fag."

I was taken aback and didn't know what to say at first. I mean, he knew I was gay and he'd come out himself, but here he was sounding like his father talking about Ben. I understood that he was probably still trying to deal with being gay and I didn't want to get into that. But I had to get him to see that staying with us was his only option and wouldn't be so terrible.

"I realize that you don’t know anything about Ben, James. He's a great guy, you'll see. You're both stuck in an odd sort of situation right now but I'm sure you'll end up being great friends when you get to know one another."

"I doubt it, but what choice do I have? I can't stay here and I can't go anywhere else, so, like you said, I'll just have to make the best of it." He lowered his voice so that his mother couldn't hear him. "He'd better keep his hands off me, though."

"You don’t have anything to worry about there, James. He's not interested in you in that way at all."

He looked doubtful. "Yeah, right. He's queer, isn't he?"

"I'm not going to argue the point with you. You're being ridiculous. You'll get along better with him if you don't start off with an attitude like that. And the word is gay, not queer."

James rode with his mother to their house in Madison where he packed up what clothes and school supplies he thought he'd need for the indefinite future. He was only going to be a mile or two away so he didn't have to worry about taking everything, which was good because he was obvious not into it as he gathered up his belongings. As I watched him my mind wandered back a month to the afternoon when I packed up and moved to Ben's house. Was that only a month? It seemed like a year had passed since then. Of course, my move to Ben's was a lot different. It was my choice and I was going to someone I loved. James had been forced into this move and he was going into the unknown.

James and I put his stuff into the car while Rita held Connor and watched in silence. When we were ready to leave she transferred Connor to me and she gave James an awkward hug goodbye. Neither one of them was happy with the situation and they were each probably blaming the other a bit. Rita wished James wasn't gay and James wished his mother was better able to stand up to his father. Actually, I thought Rita was showing more backbone in this than I could ever remember, and somewhere deep down James probably saw that too, but he was a kid and he was hurting and it just wasn't enough.

We rode to Florham Park in silence. James was off in his own world and I was trying to think of something I could say to make him feel better. I didn't come up with anything. We got to the house and I helped James carry his stuff in. We dumped it all on the bed and I gave him a brief tour of the place. Then I left him to unpack by himself while I made lunch for the three of us. We sat at the counter and ate our sandwiches in silence. I kept trying to come up with something to say to make him feel at ease about the situation. I gave it a shot when we finished eating.

"This isn't going to be so bad, James. You've got to look on it as an adventure, sort of like a vacation without going away. Most kids your age would love to spend some time away from their parents. Ben is a nice guy and easy to get along with. And he's not after your body, believe it or not. Aside from the fact that he's in love with me, and that means he's not into anyone else, he's generally attracted to older guys. So you can relax about that."

"If you say so. But if he touches me he's gonna get a knee in his balls."

I decided that was as far as we were going to get on that subject so I moved on to more practical matters.

"I can give you a ride to school every day, and pick you up afterwards when I'm not working."

He shrugged. "You don’t have to do that. It's only a mile or so. I can walk."

"It's up to you, but it's pretty cold in the morning."

He was quiet for a minute. "Do I have to go back tomorrow? I'm not sure I'm ready to face everyone."

"You've already missed over a week. Don’t get too stressed about going back. The note from the doctor doesn't say why you were out."

"Yeah, like everyone doesn't already know I tried to off myself. I've got three cousins and a sister in the school. You think I have any secrets? I'm sure everybody knows I'm a fag by now, too."

"Don’t talk about yourself that way. You're gay. So am I. There's nothing wrong with that."

"How can you say that? You know what everybody says about it."

"Not everybody, not by a long shot. You know what a good person you are, James. Being attracted to guys doesn't change that. It's how you treat people that counts, not who you're attracted to or who you love."

"Tell that to the kids at school." He looked glum and thought for a minute. "Speaking of school, I'm gonna need access to a computer. Is there one in the house or will I have to go to the library?"

I was glad he was starting to think practically, not emotionally. "Ben has one in his office. I'll ask him if you can use it."

"How about a TV in my room?"

"There's one here in the family room and one in our room. I think that's all Ben has. If you're here for a while maybe I can get the one from my old room at my parents' house."

"What about my friends? Can I have people come to the house here?"

"I'll have to check with Ben on that, too. It is his house, you know. He's already going through lots of changes adjusting to having first Connor and me and now you living here. I don’t know if he wants a bunch of teenagers hanging out here."

"Well, it's not like I have a lot of friends, and who knows if they're gonna want anything to do with me now anyway. Probably it would just be Cookie. She and I hang together most of the time."

"I'm sure Ben won’t have a problem with one friend but we'll have to ask first."

"I guess I don’t get any say in anything in my life now. It's all up to you or my mom or my dad. Even Ben, some fag I don’t even know, has more to say about how I live my life than I do."

"I don't want to hear you call Ben that again, James. We're all gay here, you know. I realize you must feel pretty helpless right now but things will get better if you give it a chance. While it may feel like you're being pushed around, keep in mind that we're all trying to help you. We all love you and want what's best for you. We're not perfect and we may not always be right, but we're trying. Work with us, James. We all want to get you through this."

Ben

Adding just one more person to the household completely changed the atmosphere at home. James was pretty withdrawn and kept to himself a lot, but his depressed attitude lay heavily over the house. He didn't talk to me at all, communicating to me only through Joey. He spent most of his time in his room. The only time he seemed at all happy was when he played with Connor.

Monday night I went to bowling alone. Joey stayed home with James and Connor. At some point it would probably be convenient having a live-in babysitter, but for a while James was too fragile to leave on his own with Connor. I actually didn’t see all that much of him the first few days. We all had a quiet supper together each night and then I spent a couple of hours in my office while James watched TV with Joey in the family room. When I finished my work and joined them, James would excuse himself to go do his homework in his room. It was pretty obvious he was avoiding being around me, but given his negative attitude I didn't mind all that much.

I wasn't looking forward to the end of the week when Joey went to work. Since I got home before him, that would be the first time James and I were alone together in the house. I'd shown him how to use my computer and we'd worked out a schedule where he had use of it after school and I had the evenings. My tax files were all password protected so I didn't have to worry about confidentiality issues. I assumed he would be working in my office when I got home with Connor on Thursday but he was in the family room with a slim black girl. She introduced herself as Cookie, the friend Joey had told me about. She was a bit friendlier than he was, but she looked me over pretty carefully. I decided to give them some space and spent the rest of the afternoon until Joey got home in my office.

I'd been a little concerned that having someone else in the house might inhibit our lovemaking. Not that sex was the most important thing to Joey and me, but it was something we both loved and we were pretty used to being able to do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, once Connor had been put to bed. With James in the house we obviously had to restrict our activities a bit, but once we were behind closed doors in our bedroom, things were as hot as ever. Sure, we had to keep the volume down since James was in the next room, but the passion was the same.

Thursday night while we were cuddling in bed, recovering from our physical exertion, I voiced my frustration with James.

"Do you think he's ever going to speak to me? I realize I'm a stranger to him, but he's never going to get to know me if we don’t talk."

"Give him time. It's hard for us to understand the way his mind works. To us, we're all gay so we think he shouldn't be having a problem with you, but I think he's got this thing in his head where you're one of those bad homosexuals he's always heard about. He and I aren't because he knows who we are and we don’t fit that stereotype."

"And I'm the stereotypical faggot?"

"You know what I mean. He can believe the myths and stereotypes about someone he doesn't know. When he gets a better feel for who you are that will go a long way to breaking down his misconceptions, not just about you but maybe about gay people in general."

"Let's hope that doesn't take too long. I really don't like feeling like an outcast in my own home."

"Don’t let him make you feel that way. This is your home. Don’t let him set the atmosphere. Be yourself and he'll have to deal with it. In no time I'm sure he'll see what a wonderful person you are."

"I don’t need him to think I'm wonderful. I just hate that he thinks I'm evil. But as long as you think I'm wonderful, that's all that really matters to me."

"Then you've got nothing to worry about."

Friday afternoon I picked up Connor at day care and headed home, wondering if James was going to have Cookie at the house to protect him again. As I started to turn in the driveway I saw someone sitting on the bench next to the front door. When I got closer to the house I was shocked to see that it was Paul. I pulled into the garage but left the door open. By the time I had Connor out of his seat Paul had walked around and joined us.

"What are you doing here? You're about the last person I expected to find waiting on my doorstep."

"I can imagine. My new accountant asked me for copies of my old tax returns and I realized that you had all of my files. I thought I'd drop by and get them."

"You could have called and I would have mailed them to you or dropped them off at your office."

"Well, I was in the neighborhood." I raised my eyebrows indicating I didn't believe that. As far as I knew Paul didn't know anyone in Florham Park.

"Well, anyway, I'm here. Who's the cute kid in there you've got guarding the house? I tried to explain who I was but he kept the chain on the door and said he couldn't let me in because he didn't know me."

"Good for him. I'm glad he's not letting strangers in. He's Joey's nephew. He's staying with us for a while."

"Us? You mean Joey has moved in?"

"Yeah, a while back."

"I'm happy for you. Things must be going well for you two. And who's this little one?"

He looked down at Connor who was being shy, standing behind me hugging my right leg, peering around and up at Paul. I reached down and picked him up.

"This is Connor, Joey's son. He completes our household."

"Son? You really did find yourself a straight boy. Man, I never imagined you with a kid. You were never very good around my nieces."

"Well, we rarely saw them. Besides, they're both spoiled brats."

"I can't argue with that. How about we go inside where it's warm?"

"Oh, sure."

I was in a bit of a daze. This visit was totally unexpected and he was acting like the old Paul, the one I had lived with for all those years, not the new nasty one. Maybe it was because Chad wasn't with him. We went into the house and James was lying on the couch watching TV. I introduced the two of them and James grunted acknowledgement and practically ran off to his room. I hung our coats up, put Connor in the playpen and had Paul take a seat while I went to the office to get his file. I expected him to leave once he had his records but he seemed in no hurry.

"You and Joey left the Valentine's party early."

"Yeah, we were both tired. It had been a long day."

"You missed all of the excitement but I suppose you heard all about it."

I knew what our excitement had been after the party but I had no idea what he was talking about.

"Actually, I haven't talked to Rob or Jim since then. Things have been pretty hectic here."

"Then you don’t know. Chad and I have broken up."

"You're kidding. The two of you seemed so, uh, together." I didn't know what to say. It's not like I'd been rooting for them to stay together or I didn't realize there were underlying problems, given what I knew about Chad. But I'd long ago reached the point where I didn't care at all what happened with them.

"I lost track of Chad at some point late in the party. When I went to look for him I found him having sex with a couple of guys in one of the bedrooms. I went ballistic. That was it for me, it was over. You know I can’t tolerate cheating."

I had to bite my tongue on that. He wasn't anywhere near so intolerant when he was the one doing the cheating but this wasn't the time to point that out.

"I suppose I always knew on some level he was like that but I didn't want to know. I always felt a bit insecure in the relationship but I wanted him so badly. He was so hot he drove me crazy."

"I'm sorry if he hurt you but you really can't expect much sympathy from me."

"I know, Ben. I treated you horribly. I'd plead temporary insanity but there's no excuse for what I did to you." He paused for a minute. "You know, in spite of how I treated you, you were the only one who cared enough about me to be honest with me, to warn me about what was going on. I know I didn't react well to that at the time, but I can appreciate now how hard that was for you. From what some of my friends have said since the breakup, they all knew what Chad was up to, but none of them had the balls to say anything to me. You're a good man, Ben, and a good friend."

"I wasn't trying to interfere with your life and I really didn’t want to get involved but I was concerned about your safety."

"Well, you don’t have to worry about that. I was always safe with Chad. Like I said, deep down I think I knew what kind of guy Chad is." He got up from the couch. "Well, I'd better get going before Joey gets home. He probably wouldn't be happy to see me here."

"He's closing up at work today so he won’t be home for a while, but that doesn't matter. I don’t think he'd mind. He knows he has nothing to be jealous about."

"Things are good with you guys then?"

"More than good. Life isn't perfect but we're very good together and we just keep getting better."

"I'm glad. You deserve to be happy."

"So do you, Paul. Maybe if you follow your heart instead of your dick next time, you'll find that happiness." I didn't man to sound bitchy but the thought just popped out. Fortunately, he took it as lightly as I meant it.

"Tell me about it. I think I've learned my lesson from my little mid-life crisis. Time for me to grow up."

I walked Paul to the door and he gave me a big hug before he left. I turned and James was standing in the kitchen doorway frowning.

"Did Uncle Joey know he was coming over here?"

"No, James. I didn’t even know. Paul surprised me."

"He's your old boyfriend, isn't he? Uncle Joey told me about him."

"Yes, he's my ex."

"So are you gonna tell Uncle Joey he was here? 'Cause if you want to keep it a secret don’t think I'm gonna go along with that."

"Of course I'm going to tell Joey. He and I don’t keep secrets from each other and there's no reason I shouldn’t tell him. What used to be between Paul and me is long since over. I wouldn't even say we're friends now, just two people who once had a relationship. That's all in the past now."

James looked dubious. He shrugged and went back to his room.

I made a point of telling Joey about Paul's visit in great detail over supper while James was listening so he'd know I wasn't trying to hide anything. Not that it got me anywhere with him, but at least he seemed satisfied that I was being honest. Or maybe he thought he'd forced me to tell the truth.

Saturday morning Joey went to work. I decided to get some work done in my office while James and Connor watched cartoons on TV in the family room. I got wrapped up in the numbers and wasn't sure how long I'd been at it when I suddenly realized James was standing in the doorway.

"Something I can do for you, James?"

"Um, uh, I need a favor." He seemed really uncomfortable, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

"Sure, if I can. What's up?"

"Well, I left a couple of books at home and I just called my mom to see if she could bring them over. She's in the middle of baking something so she can't leave, but she said my dad went out to get a haircut so if I can get over there soon he won’t be home. I'd walk but there isn’t time. Would you be able to give me a ride?"

My heart went out to the poor kid, having to arrange his life to avoid running into his own father. But I was also a little thrilled that the circumstance had forced him to finally speak to me, to ask me to help him. Maybe the ice was finally being broken.

"Sure, why don’t you get Connor ready while I finish up here. I'll only be a minute."

We rode over to the house in silence and I waited in the car while James went into the house. I turned around in my seat and tried to entertain Connor while I waited. After a few minutes a sharp rap on the window behind me made me spin around. Vinnie was standing next to the car glaring at me. I carefully got out of the car, keeping my distance from him.

"What the fuck are you doing here, faggot? Isn't it enough that you've got my kid? Do I have to put up with you on my property?"

"I just brought James over to get some things for school. We'll be out of your way in a few minutes."

"You'd better be stayin' away from James. I'll kill you if I find out you're doin' anything to him."

Something inside me snapped. I'd been listening to his crap since I first met him and been putting up with his antagonism. I could see how his nastiness had affected James and I'd had enough.

"You know, Vinnie, I've put up with enough of your shit. You're belligerent and you're ignorant. You attack people and intimidate everyone around you. You're nothing but a dumb bully. You hit me, you hit your brother. Is that your answer to everything? You gonna hit James next? You'd better not. If you mess with anybody in my family, and that includes Joey and James, I'm gonna come after you."

"Is that supposed to scare me? You're a fuckin' little wimp. I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back."

"I'm sure you could easily take me in a fair fight. But remember this, Vinnie. I don’t fight fair. If I'm defending myself or someone I love, I don’t give a shit about fair. You don't want to mess with me because I'm a nasty bitch when I'm pissed off and you're starting to really piss me off." I'd been staring into Vinnie's eyes but I noticed a movement off to my right. James was standing there looking scared, holding some books. "C'mon James, let's get out of here."

I got in the car as fast as possible while trying not to look like I was running away. My heart was pounding as I pulled out.

"My dad is gonna kill you, you know. He doesn't let anyone talk to him like that."

"He's not going to do anything. He's a bully who relies on intimidation. I've run into a few of them in my life. He may lash out in anger now and then, but when he has time to think about it he knows he doesn’t really want to fight." That was my theory anyway and I hoped it was true.

When we got to the house, Connor followed James as he took his books into his room. I went back to my work in the office. James appeared in the doorway after a moment.

"Thanks, Ben." He still seemed shy but not surly or distant the way he had all week.

"No problem. Any time you need a lift, just let me know. I'll try to help you whenever I can."

"I appreciate the ride, but I meant thanks for standing up to my dad. He'd probably be a better guy if more people did that."

"Well, that took a little more strength than I knew I had, but now and then I surprise myself."

He looked down at the floor and hesitated. "Did you mean what you said about me?"

"I'm not sure what you're referring to."

"You said Uncle Joey and I were your family. Did you mean that?"

"Sure. I'm in love with Joey so he and Connor are my family. You're his nephew and he loves you and you're living here, so you're my family too. I know those are just words and we don’t really know each other, but I wish you'd give me a chance. I'm taking Joey's word for what a great guy you are. Can't you take his word about me?"

He thought for a few seconds and slowly began to nod his head.

"Yeah, I'll try. Thanks again." He turned, grabbed Connor and headed toward the family room.

To Be Continued…