Second Wind

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Joey

Saturday morning I quietly slipped out of bed and then showered and got dressed for work before taking care of Connor. James was sleeping in, as usual. What else would a teenager do on a Saturday morning? I let Lula out and started breakfast before waking up Ben. He groaned and turned over, trying to pretend I wasn't there.

"C'mon, lazybones. I've got breakfast nearly done. I want to talk before I leave for work so you've got to wake up and get up."

He threw a pillow at me but tumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. I went back into the kitchen and cooked the scrambled eggs. I had everything on the counter and had just buttered the toast when Ben came stumbling into the kitchen in his robe, rubbing his eyes, and looking as if he were still half-asleep. At least he'd remembered that James was in the house so we couldn't walk around naked. I handed him a mug of coffee as he sat down. He took a sip and then started eating his eggs in silence. After a minute he seemed to wake up.

"Okay, sorry about that. I just couldn't get my brain and mouth to both work. Let's start over. What time is it anyway, and why are we up?"

"Are you sure your brain is working? It's ten after eight, not exactly early, Ben. Did I wear you out last night?"

A smile grew on his lips as his brain began to function, remembering our marathon lovemaking session the night before.

"Not completely, but we can try again tonight if you want."

"I don’t know. We should probably skip a night now and then and let poor James get some sleep. We're probably driving him crazy with the noise we make."

"It's just a little in-room entertainment for him, on the house. I'm sure he would have said something by now if it bothered him. He's getting more comfortable speaking up, to you at least."

"I think he's warming up to you, too."

"Speaking of James, are you sure you want me to leave Connor with him this afternoon when I come over to the nursery?"

"Yeah, that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I couldn't say much in front of him last night but I think it will be good for him to feel like he's contributing something to the household. He's watched Connor a number of times before at his parents' house and with two younger sisters and a brother he's been around small children his whole life, so I don’t want you to worry about him."

"I know, but at least one of his parents was always around back then. And after all he's been through the past couple of weeks, are you sure he's, uh, stable enough to take care of Connor?"

"He'll be fine, Ben. He's been good ever since he came home from the hospital. That episode with the pills was a panic attack brought on by all of the stress and confusion of finding out about me and dealing with his own sexuality, plus his father's reaction. He's in a stable, supportive situation now. Besides, he's got our cell numbers and his mother's number and we'll be less than five minutes away. Don’t worry about him."

"It's Connor I'm worried about, but I'll have to trust your judgment. If I were you I still wouldn't be leaving Connor alone with me. I'm too paranoid to be a parent."

"No, you're not, Ben. You just aren't used to this. Believe me, I don’t take any chances where Connor is concerned. If I had any doubt at all I'd have you bring him along with you this afternoon. Now stop pigging out on the bacon. I made enough for James to have some when he gets up but you've eaten almost all of it."

Ben cleaned up the breakfast dishes while I played with Connor a while. At a quarter to nine I put on my coat and kissed my two men goodbye. James was still sleeping.

"I'll see you a little after three, Ben. And thanks again for helping out. I love you."

"Yeah, go on. I'll bet you say that to all of your accountants."

"Just the cute Irish ones."

I was the first to arrive at the nursery so I started the routine of opening up. I was nearly done setting up when John walked in. He helped me get the place ready for the day, talking very little. We'd been doing this since I was a kid so we didn't have to talk about it. Plus, he hadn't said much to me the past month anyway. Once we were ready for customers, he sat down at the counter and turned to me.

"So how is James doing? Is he getting his life back together?"

"He seems to be pretty good. He's seeing the therapist twice a week but other than that he's just like he's always been, quiet and polite. He's getting settled in at the house and seems to be okay with being there for now."

"I know you're trying to help, but I don’t think it's a good idea having him stay with you two. He doesn't need any more pressure on him at this time in his life."

"We're not putting any pressure on him. We're just giving him a place to live and trying to be supportive."

"Maybe you don't think of it as pressure, but you guys are obviously gonna influence him about being gay. He's too young to know that for sure. He should keep his options open and he can't do that if he's living with two guys who are urging him to be gay."

"We're not urging him to be anything and we couldn't make any difference even if we did. He's going to be whatever he's going to be. We're just trying to help him be comfortable with himself, whatever."

"Yeah, I doubt that whatever part. He shouldn't be committing himself to anything at so young an age."

"Oh, like if Vito had come to you a few years ago and said, 'Hey Dad, I'm pretty sure I'm straight', your reaction would have been, 'Now wait a minute son, don’t jump to conclusions. Keep your options open.'"

"You know that's not the same thing. Straight is normal. You don’t have to decide to be straight."

"And you don’t decide to be gay. You just are. At least we're not putting the kind of pressure on him Vinnie wanted to, sending him away to be brainwashed."

"Believe it or not, I agree with you there. A program like that sounds like brainwashing to me, too. Our brother is a little off the wall on this whole thing. I don’t think you can force someone to be something they're not."

"So what's your problem with James staying with Ben and me then? You just admitted we can't force him into anything."

"Yeah, but if he's still got a choice then he shouldn't be pressured."

"I told you it's not a choice." I was getting a little exasperated with him at that point.

"Sure it is. Look at you. You were happy with Jenny so that means you can be straight if you want to be. You just choose not to be."

"We've been through this before, John. I fell in love with Jenny without choosing to do so. The same thing with Ben. We can choose who we'd like to fall in love with, but actually falling in love is another matter. Love isn't rational. It happens to us. It's not the result of a logical choice."

"I still think you could have made more of an effort to be normal."

"Normal? I don’t even want to get started on that silly word. Everybody has their own definition of it."

"Well, there are some things that most people agree on."

"I have to live my life the way it works for me, John. I don’t care what other people say."

"Obviously not. I just think you're being a little short-sighted, thinking too much about what's fun now and not about what's good for you in the long run."

"You're wrong about that. I've given this a lot of thought and done a lot of soul-searching. I'm in this for the long run and so is Ben. This isn't a fling. It's the real thing."

John threw up his hands in frustration and walked off toward the workshop out back. I felt that things had gone a little bit better than the last couple of times we'd talked. He was as unyielding as ever, but at least he was rational. He disagreed with the way I was living my life, but he wasn't a raving lunatic about it. Maybe there was hope for détente, at least.

Ben

After Joey left for work I spent a few minutes catching up on household bills and then went to work on tax returns. I was getting a little tired of the same old forms and would be glad when tax season ended. I discovered it really wasn't so bad getting up early on the weekend if I didn't fight it. Of course, waking up to Joey's warm brown eyes and beautiful smile wasn't something I'd ever fight. I brought some of Connor's toys into the office so he could play in there. I hated leaving him by himself in the playpen when I was busy, but I really couldn't leave him on his own in the house. Even though we'd done some childproofing, the house was still a dangerous place for a toddler on the loose. Sometime around eleven I heard sounds of life coming from James' room. A minute later he popped his head into my office on his way to the bathroom.

"Mornin', Ben."

"Good morning, James. Sleep well?" He'd been unconscious for nearly twelve hours so I assumed he had. He nodded and continued on his way to the bathroom to take care of pressing business. I went into the kitchen and heated up the bacon, poured him some OJ and put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. James wasn't a big breakfast person and lunch was only an hour or so away, so that would do him fine.

He slowly came to life as he munched on his food. I knew better than to try to have a conversation right away. He was a lot like me when it came to waking up. I sat across the counter from him and watched his face as he ate. Back when I'd first noticed him, that day he walked in on me dozing at his grandparents' house, I'd thought he was a teenage version of Joey. He had Joey's curly black hair and a similar small, tight build, but facially he was definitely his father's son. His nose was small like his mother's but the rest of his features were pure Vinnie. On him it looked good, though. Maybe it was just Vinnie's nasty attitude that had always made him look ugly to me.

"So you're going over to the nursery at three, then?"

"Yeah, I'll see what kind of shape their books are in. I'm thinking we'll be there a couple of hours."

"That's cool. Connor and I will keep each other company. He's my little buddy."

"Are you sure you're going to be all right with him?"

"No sweat, Ben. I know you're concerned, but I'm the oldest of four kids. I spent the first ten years of my life around toddlers. It was a kind of on-the-job training for this. Just make sure he's dry and hasn't got a load in his pants when you leave. I'm not into diapers."

"I'm not either but I've managed to get used to it. He can't change himself, after all. You're going to be home for supper tonight, aren't you?"

"Where else would I be?"

"I don't know, I thought you might have plans with Cookie. But I'm glad you're going to be home. My friend Becky is coming over for dinner and she wants to meet you."

"Yeah, you talk about her all the time. It will be nice to meet her, though I can't see why a straight woman would want to hang out with fags all the time."

"Becky has been my friend since before she knew I was gay and she likes Joey because of who he is, not because he's gay. And I wish you wouldn't say fag so much."

"Sorry, I didn't know we were supposed to be so politically correct." He sounded a little grouchy and defensive.

"God knows no one has ever accused me of being politically correct. I say the wrong thing all the time. But since you're still working on getting comfortable with being gay, it might help if you didn’t use negative terms about yourself. I just want you to feel better about who you are and if you speak more positively you might start feeling that way."

"I know, Ben, I'm sorry for snapping at you. My therapist says the same thing. I'm trying but sometimes the wrong words slip out. Those are the words my father has always used so they're what I'm used to."

"Maybe your father should try changing his vocabulary, too. It might help his attitude."

"Don’t hold your breath, Ben."

When I got to the nursery Joey was there alone. The place was officially closed for the day. He pulled me into a hug.

"Hey there, sexy. Ready to be my knight in shining armor one more time?"

He gave me a warm but controlled kiss on the mouth. It might have become less controlled but we were interrupted by the sound of a throat being cleared. I turned and Mr. Napoli was standing in the open doorway looking embarrassed. Joey and I quickly separated.

"Thanks for coming by, Ben. I really do appreciate this. I just hope we haven't made too much of a mess of things this week."

"I'm sure I've seen worse. It's only been a week, after all. How about we get started?"

Joey started back to the office while Mr. Napoli locked the door behind him. They pointed out Margaret's desk and I sat and started going through the stacks of papers. As I did some reorganizing I explained what I was doing and why. Mr. Napoli carefully watched and listened while Joey took notes, writing down practically every word I said. When I had everything in order I turned to the computer. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that they were using a program that I used all the time at work. It was fairly straightforward and perfect for the job they had. Whoever had sold it to them knew what he was doing.

I took my time explaining the various screens and fields and how they related to the paperwork, showing them what figures went where. Mr. Napoli appeared to be paying attention but I knew he wasn't keeping up. Joey did most of the computer work for the business so I concentrated on making sure he understood what to do. It was nearly five o'clock when I finished going over the basics.

"I think that's a lot for you guys to absorb in one sitting. How about we come back for a while tomorrow and get some of the actual work done? I can watch Joey input some of the data and make sure he's got it down, then between the two of you you should be able to do it on your own during the week."

"That sounds good to me but I don’t think it will be necessary for Pop to come tomorrow. Have you got the record-keeping part of it down, Pop?"

"Yes, I think so. It's the same basic principles as what I used to do years ago, just a little more complicated and organized slightly differently."

"Then let's call it a day, guys. Becky's coming over to the house in a while and Joey has to get to work in the kitchen." Joey gave me a dirty look.

"We should have had James make dinner. I've been working all day and he's probably been laying around the house."

"Can James cook? He's never said anything about it."

"I have no idea but if I can teach you some things in the kitchen James should be easy. It's time he started earning his keep."

We stopped outside the door as Joey locked up. When we got out to the parking lot Mr. Napoli gave Joey a hug goodbye, and then surprised me by hugging me as well.

"Thank you so much, Ben. I don’t know what we would have done without you. Make sure you're keeping track of your time and what we owe you."

I looked at my watch. "Sure, no problem. Two hours so far. That's easy enough to keep track of, Mr., uh, Pop."

"Now just don’t forget to submit the bill."

Joey wanted to stop by the supermarket for a few things so I went straight home. I was surprised to see Becky's car parked out front. She and James were on the floor of the family room playing with Connor when I walked in.

"Hey Beck, you're early. I see you've met the new addition to the family."

"Yeah, I was at the mall and didn't feel like going all the way back home. This is quite a watchdog you've got here."

"Lula? Are you nuts? She'd hold the flashlight for burglars."

"I meant James. I wasn't in the house three seconds and he'd grabbed Connor, picked up the phone and was about to call the police."

"Well, you just walked in and I didn’t know who you were."

"I knew Ben and Joey were at the nursery and I thought the house would be empty so I used my key. I'm glad I convinced you of who I was before you got through to the cops. I love men in uniform but I'm spoken for now." She turned back toward me. "He was pretty tough. I had to show him my driver's license as ID. While I was digging that out of my wallet I came across that picture Paul took of us in Key West a couple of years ago and that clinched it. He loosened up a bit after that."

"Yeah, but then I started to get pissed at you, Ben."

"Me? I wasn't even here."

"I know, but I figured you'd sent Becky here to check up on me, to babysit me while I was babysitting Connor. I knew you didn't trust me to take care of him myself."

"It's not that I didn't trust you. I was just nervous. But Joey had faith in you and that was enough for me. I wouldn't have sent Becky to spy on you."

"Yeah, Becky convinced me of that. She's pretty cool for an older woman." Becky punched him on the arm. "She's been telling me all these stories about you when you were in college."

I groaned. "I hope you censored them a bit, Beck. Remember, the kid is only fifteen."

"There'd be nothing left of some of your stories if I censored them. You didn't exactly censor your life, slut." James giggled at her use of the term. "If you don’t want someone talking about something then you shouldn't do it in the first place."

"You really got around and did some crazy things when you were young, Ben."

"Hey, I'm still young, James, though maybe I've grown up a bit since then."

"You're both over thirty. That's pretty old in my book."

"Watch it, kid, or we'll send you to your room without supper." Becky gave James an evil leer.

"Speaking of supper, Joey should be home any minute. Let's all help him out as much as possible. He's had a long day at work."

"Maybe you could cook and give Uncle Joey a rest, Ben."

"You've only been here a couple of weeks and probably haven't tasted Ben's cooking, so I'll forgive you for that suggestion, James."

"That's not fair, Beck. You know I can do some things pretty good."

Becky thought for a minute and nodded. "That's true. You do phone for Chinese take-out better than anyone I know."

"Bitch!"

James looked back and forth between us. "Are you two sure you like each other?"

Joey

Dinner with Becky was a lot of fun. I had meatballs and gravy in the freezer and defrosted that in the microwave while I put together baked ziti. Ben and Becky made a large salad. Afterward, James cleaned up. It was a real family project.

I was surprised at how loose James was with Becky. It usually took him quite a while to warm up to people. He seemed a lot better with Ben as well. They'd been getting along fairly well, but I thought that seeing him with Becky showed James another side of Ben, another human facet. Late that night, after an especially passionate lovemaking, we talked about it while we cooled down. Then I brought up something I'd been thinking about for a few days.

"I think I'm going to make an appointment to go have a talk with Father Vittorio this week."

"Is something bothering you, Joe? You can talk to me about anything, you know."

"I know, Ben. It's nothing like that. I've just been thinking that maybe he could be some kind of go-between with my mother. She's not softening up at all from what Pop says and he's been working on her a while. Maybe she'd listen to a priest."

"She might, but I would imagine that he'd be more in agreement with her way of thinking than yours."

"Probably, but I'd like to try anyway. He's pretty old-fashioned but he also seems warm and human, for a priest anyway."

"Those are the kind that can fool you sometimes." Ben got a faraway look in his eyes.

"Yeah, but I'm pretty together on where I stand on all of this. If I go into it expecting the worst from him I can't be too disappointed."

We held each other tight and cuddled for a while, falling asleep in each other's arms.

Sunday morning I dragged the whole family to church. Neither Ben nor James was happy about getting up early but Ben was getting better about such things and James had always enjoyed going to Mass, so by the time we got there they had both stopped grumbling. James was going to the mall with his friend Cookie in the afternoon so Ben and I took Connor with us when we went to the nursery. We only stayed about an hour, until I was feeling comfortable with the bookkeeping program and Ben was sure I knew what I was doing.

Monday morning I called St. Vincent's and made an appointment with Father Vittorio for after lunch on Tuesday. I was a little nervous when I walked into his office. I'd grown up with him as one of the major authority figures in my life and the others, my parents, hadn't reacted well to this whole subject. Father Vittorio had stronger religious reasons for being against my new lifestyle, but on the other hand he didn't have a personal stake in it, so maybe he'd be okay.

After a few minutes of small talk I explained why I'd come to see him, how I hoped he could help start to patch things up with Mom.

"You're not having any second thoughts about this relationship, then?"

"No, not at all. Every day I'm more sure of it, Father. I know what the Church says about homosexuality, but this relationship is right for me and I can't accept that there is anything wrong with it."

"I don’t know how long you've been involved with this man, but you hadn't said anything about it in confession, so I've been wondering what was going on in your head."

"It's not just my head, though I have given it a lot of thought. It's my heart, too. I haven't said anything in confession because that's the place for repenting sins, and there's nothing sinful about me being with Ben. I know what the Church teaches, but probably the one thing Jesus stressed above everything else was love. I just can't believe that love can ever be wrong."

"I agree for the most part, but I think the word love is often misused and tossed about lightly. Many confuse passion, or lust, or even need, with love. Real love is very special and deserves to be honored, but that's not what many people are feeling when they talk about love."

"I realize that, but I think you know that I'm not one to jump into things without plenty of thought. I do love Ben, and I know he loves me. It wasn't something I was looking for at all. I was certain I would never love again. But it happened and I have to view it as a blessing from God. I know the Church doesn't see it that way, but it's the only way it makes sense to me."

"Tell me about Ben."

"I don’t know where to start. He's sweet and kind, just about the most generous man I've ever known. I don’t mean that he gives away lots of money or anything like that, but he gives of himself. He'd do just about anything for a friend and half the time not even realize he'd done anything. It's just in his nature to be there for those he cares about. Strangely enough, he's somewhat insecure and often tells me he doesn't deserve someone as good as me. But he's the most decent, loving man I've ever known. He's bright and sensitive and, while he wasn't too sure about dealing with a child at first, he's grown to love Connor with all his heart. He takes such good care of both of us, and now James, too."

"He sounds like a good man, but it sounds to me like you and your mother are talking about two completely different men."

"I'm sure, but Mom doesn't even know him. She's never given him a chance. When she thought he and I were just friends, she dismissed him as an oddity, a distasteful acquaintance. Then when I came out, he was the pervert who had seduced her son. She doesn't know Ben at all."

Father Vittorio was silent for a while. He was deep in thought, staring past me at the wall behind me. For a moment I thought he had forgotten I was there but then he looked into my eyes and smiled.

"I've known you since you were a small boy, Joey. I've been with you through so many landmarks in life, your first communion, confirmation, your wedding, Jenny's funeral, Connor's christening. I know you that you are a good man, a good Christian, a good Catholic. You used the words decent and loving to describe Ben. I would say the same about you. If you say you are in love with Ben and he loves you, I believe you. As a priest I cannot endorse this relationship, but I will not condemn it either."

"So what you're saying is that personally you're okay with Ben and me?"

"I'm not an activist priest, challenging the Church on issues where I disagree, but I have been around a good many years and have seen a lot. Society has changed quite a bit in my lifetime but the Church is slow to change. The Church is big on historical precedent, but times are moving swiftly."

"But how can you reconcile the Church's rules with not condemning me for breaking them?"

"In the same way that you have reconciled the relationship you're in and can still see yourself as a Catholic. I teach what the Church stands for, but then it's up to each individual and his conscience. I know that not everyone is going to follow every teaching. Some call that hypocritical. I prefer the words flexible and realistic. Of course, this is only my personal opinion, Joey. I'm telling you because I think that you are a good Christian and I would hate to see you leave the Church over this issue. I know the Church has been very important in your life."

"It has and probably always will be. I think I've pretty much done what you've said, decided which teachings don’t make sense for my life. Of course, I'd have a hard time staying in the Church if you got up every Sunday morning and blasted me for my 'sin' but you've never done that. You've taught me what the Church believes and then left it up to me. Thank you for that. So do you think you can help me with my mother?"

"I'll try, though I can't go against the 'party line' quite as much when talking to her. But I feel better about you and your life having talked to you. I would like to talk to your friend Ben some time if you think that might be possible."

"I'm not sure but I'll mention it to him."

"He is a Catholic, isn't he? He seems to know his way around when he comes to Mass with you."

"Yes, Father, he's a Catholic, though sometimes he uses the term 'recovering' Catholic."

I mentioned Father Vittorio's invitation to Ben when I told him about the meeting. He said he'd think about it and I left it at that. I thought that Ben would probably enjoy discussing his philosophy of religion with Father Vittorio but I didn't want to pressure him. He was being good about accompanying me to Mass when I asked and that was enough for me.

Friday afternoon things were winding down at work. Anthony and Pop went home at four-thirty and John went out to the workshop to close up back there and then went on home. It was my day to stay until six to mind the store and lock up. In another couple of weeks the spring business boom would be upon us and our part-timers would be back. Those of us in the family would be working longer hours as well. We'd all be back on a full-time schedule. I was hanging out at the counter enjoying what might be my last lazy afternoon for six months when a guy a few years older than me walked in wearing a business suit. Probably picking up something on his way home from the office, I thought. He didn't look around the shop at all but walked right up to the counter.

"Excuse me, I'm looking for Joseph Napoli. I was told he worked here."

"He does and you've found him. I'm Joey Napoli."

"Thank God. I've been running late all day and I was afraid I'd missed you." He reached into the inside pocket of his jacket and pulled out some folded papers. "Consider yourself served, Mr. Napoli." He handed me the papers.

"Served? What are you talking about? What is this?"

He turned and headed for the exit. "Hey, I'm just the guy who serves the papers. Your lawyer can explain it all to you better than I can. It's some kind of custody case." He went out the door.

Custody? What the heck was Vinnie up to now? He knew I didn't have any legal custody of James. If he still had a problem with James living with Ben and me his fight was with Rita, not me.

I sat down on the stool behind the register and unfolded the papers and glanced at them. It all looked very legal, very formal and very complicated. Plaintiffs, David and Alice Reynolds. Defendant, Joseph Napoli. A hearing to determine the custody of Connor Anthony Napoli. Dave and Alice? Connor? A sharp pain stabbed through my gut and I doubled over, dropping the papers on the floor. My mind was spinning and I was having trouble breathing. No, not Connor. They couldn't want Connor. This couldn't be happening. What was I going to do?