Second Wind

Chapter Thirty-Six

Ben

While Joey, James and I had been reassuring each other for weeks that the custody suit would end in Joey's favor and we all believed it deep down, it had still been a very stressful time for us all. It was only after it was all over that we realized just how much. The three of us spent the rest of the week breaking out into stupid grins and laughing for no apparent reason. It was a pretty goofy time all-around. And Connor was at the center of it. He'd probably never had so many hugs and kisses. He seemed a bit puzzled but didn't object. It was so good to see Joey so happy. And I didn't think I'd ever seen James so relaxed around the house, although he still seemed to be holding a little something back. He was smiling and laughing with the rest of us, but now and then I caught him with a far-off look on his face. That made sense to me. While many of Joey's problems were either over or at least looking better, James still hadn't made any progress with his father. It had to hurt when he compared how Joey was doing with where he was.

Tuesday, I called Mother and invited her and Sam for dinner. I'd told the Napolis that the dinner was already set up and crossed my fingers that they could make it. It turned out that they did have plans for Saturday evening but when I explained the situation Mother readily agreed to rearrange their schedule. I stressed to her that this was not one of her society competitions, just a down home family meal. Mother and Joey's parents moved in very different social circles and the point with this dinner was for everyone to meet and be comfortable with each other.

Saturday, Joey was working so it was up to James and me to get the house ready. It was his job to do the vacuuming and I asked that he pay special attention to the living room and dining room.

"Don’t forget your grandmother is allergic to dogs. Joey says she's okay around them for a short time, especially if she takes Benadryl beforehand, but there's no point in exposing her to any more dog hair than necessary."

"Uncle Anthony and Uncle John usually put their dogs in the yard or the garage when Grandma comes over. Is that what you're going to do with Lula?"

"I think I'll just keep her in the bedroom. She's not the outdoors type, for long periods, anyway. She's a big sissy like her master."

James laughed. "I like it when you say things like that about yourself but it's not really true, Ben. I think you're a pretty regular guy."

"Hmm, makes me wonder about your definition of regular, considering you've heard the sounds coming from our bedroom late at night."

James blushed and giggled. "Okay, so maybe you're a regular bottom, then."

"Bottom? Moi? And where'd you hear that term, anyway?"

"Well, let's see, Becky calls you a bottom, Uncle Joey calls you a bottom, and you've called yourself that a few of times. It's pretty unanimous. No one has explained it to me in so many words, but from what I've overheard late at night I think I've figured out what you all mean by it."

Now I was blushing nearly as much as James.

"Since you're so smart I guess I don’t have to tell you anything, James." I stuck my tongue out at him. "But seriously, if you have any questions about gay sex don’t feel shy about asking either Joey or me. General questions, I mean. We're not gonna tell you the details of our sex life, but if something is confusing you or bothering you, just ask."

"Umm, thanks for the offer, but I'm not sure I'd feel very comfortable doing that, right now, anyway."

"Okay, I understand, but remember we're available. It's not like you're gonna be able to talk to your father about butt-fucking."

James turned bright red and choked. I was afraid that I'd been too flip, that my teasing had maybe reminded him of his problems, but when he discreetly made an adjustment in his pants I realized that it was my use of the term butt-fucking that had blown him away.

He recovered and grinned mischievously at me. "Yeah, I guess you and Uncle Joey are the family experts on that subject."

We went back to our cleaning. I was wondering how the conversation had turned so swiftly from his grandmother's allergies to anal sex. I took it as a sign that James was getting more comfortable with me that he was able to talk, even joke, about things so personal.

After lunch and a little more cleaning I put Connor down for his nap. James was in his room with the door closed but it sounded like he was on the phone. When he came back to the family room he was acting nervous again.

"What's up, kid? Something bothering you?"

"No, Ben, but I was thinking, maybe it would be better if I didn't stick around for the dinner tonight. I mean, this is a pretty important thing for you and Uncle Joey, your parents meeting each other and all. I don’t really belong in the middle of it."

"Don’t ever think you don’t belong, James. You're as much a part of this family as any of us. Besides, you know everybody who's going to be here."

"Yeah, I liked your mom and step-father when I met them on Easter and of course I love my grandparents, but I guess I'm being a little selfish. To be honest I wasn't looking forward to spending the evening with a bunch of old people, even ones I like."

"So where were you thinking of going?"

"I thought Cookie and I could go to the movies in Madison and then maybe get something to eat at the diner."

"Well, I can see you'd probably have more fun doing that. It's okay with me but you'd better run it by Joey when he gets home."

Joey

I was pretty nervous about the parents' dinner we'd planned. To be honest, I was pretty nervous about everything where my mother was concerned. I was thrilled that she was finally making an effort to accept me and my relationship with Ben, but we were still in the early stages and she was still struggling a bit. Plus, I'd noticed the expression on her face whenever Ben's mother had been mentioned in the past. She definitely seemed to have a problem with Gale and I knew that when Mom got an idea in her head it wasn't easy to change it. So it was important that everything go right with the dinner.

In preparing the menu, I decided to avoid Italian food, even thought that was my specialty. With Gale and Sam I didn't want to come across as too ethnic. With Mom I didn't want to appear to be competing with her cooking. So I chose one of Jenny's favorite recipes -- filet mignon with roasted potatoes and broccoli in garlic butter. It was simple enough to prepare after working all day but elegant enough for a dinner party.

I was a bit disappointed when James said he wanted to go out with Cookie instead of joining us but I understood. I'd been like an only child at home by my teen years and I remembered lots of boring dinners with Mom and Pop and some of their friends. When I was old enough I'd skipped out with Jenny every chance I got.

"I just want to make sure you understand that you are a part of this family, James. And I don’t just mean that I'm your uncle and Connor's your cousin. I mean the four of us in this house are a family. We've all been going through some intense personal times together and that's united us in a special way. We all love each other and take care of each other."

"Yeah, I guess I realize that. It's taken me a while to get to know Ben but he's a pretty good guy."

I smiled. "He's a whole lot better than pretty good. Remember that you can come to either of us with anything on your mind. Even after you straighten things out with your father and move back home, Ben and I will always be here for you."

"I don’t see that happening anytime soon, Uncle Joey. My dad hasn't budged at all since I came here."

"I know, but don’t give up on him. He's still your father and I know he's not a bad guy. The whole family is working on him."

"So what time do I have to be in tonight?"

"Your curfew is eleven, you know that."

"But it's Saturday night. Besides, the movie doesn't get out until nine-thirty and it takes a half hour to walk back here from Main St., even if I only stop off at Cookie's place for a minute. What if we run into some kids from school afterwards and want to hang out with them?"

While I understood that kids always want to stay out later than they're allowed, I thought it was an odd argument he was making. James always made it sound like he and Cookie were social outcasts who rarely hung out with anyone, but I didn't want to say that to him. If he was thinking more socially that was a good thing.

"Then you've still got an hour. But all right, make it eleven-thirty. It's not that I don’t trust you, but as you said it's a long walk late at night and you'll be alone. I'm not crazy about that."

"I know, but I'm not a little kid. I can take care of myself."

We planned the dinner for seven, with drinks and hors d'oeuvres at six. Ben said his mother was used to eating late but my parents were early eaters, so we tried to compromise. Mom and Pop arrived a little before six. I gave them each a glass of wine and they sat in the living room and chatted with James for a few minutes. James was just getting up to leave when Gale and Sam arrived. He stayed to say hello to them but then left after giving both Ben and me a hug.

I introduced the two sets of parents. There was a definite tension and chill coming from my mother but it wasn't too bad. Ben got drinks for Gale and Sam and I brought out a few small platters of munchies. We all settled down and made small talk for a while, talking about lots of nothing, including jobs, the weather, traffic, anything that wasn't personal. I think everyone was trying to get a feel for the others. The two couples had absolutely nothing in common except Ben and me and they didn't seem to want to talk about us at first. When I got up to do the last minute preparations in the kitchen Ben offered to give the folks a tour of the house. Sam and Gale had already seen everything; she'd decorated the place and they'd both been here before. But they went along on the tour as I got the dinner ready to serve. We'd put a baby gate in our bedroom doorway to keep Lula in but it served the dual purpose of keeping Mom out; you couldn't see the drawing of the exceptionally well-hung leather man on the wall from the doorway. While Mom was trying to be accepting, that would have been way too much for her.

When everyone was seated at the table and the food was before us, I said grace. Ben and I didn't usually do that but I figured it couldn't hurt. For a few minutes we were all busy filling up our plates but once we'd started eating I decided to break the ice.

"As you all know, Ben and I registered as domestic partners a few weeks ago."

"Yes, Ben told us. Sam and I wish we had known in advance. We would have liked to have been there."

"Well, it was all kind of last minute, Gale. Besides, there wasn't any ceremony or anything. And Joey and I had James and Connor there to witness it and make it even more special for us."

Mom had been unusually subdued all evening but I could see that she was starting to get agitated.

"I don’t see why you have to be so public about things, Joey. You keep saying that your personal life is nobody's business but then you do something like this."

"This wasn't exactly public, Ma. It was just the four of us at the borough clerk's office. We wanted to make a commitment to each other and get a few legal rights at the same time. There's no need to keep that private."

"That's right, Rose," Gale added. "Personal lives really are nobody else's business, but it's very common to share them anyway. Look at all that couples go through when they get married. This is the same kind of thing. It's something to celebrate, not hide."

"Gale's right, Mom. Look at when Jenny and I got married. We had that big engagement party, notices in the newspaper, the huge church wedding and a reception with over a hundred people. It was personal, but it was also something to celebrate and share with our loved ones."

"But that's normal. Everybody does that when they get married. This is different."

Sam cleared his throat. "I know where you're coming from, Rose, but it's not really that different. Look at Ben and Joey. They love each other, respect each other, take care of each other. How is that different from married couples? Just because they're both men? They are two people very much in love. You should be happy for your son."

Pop jumped on the bandwagon. "Sam's right, Rose. You know we both want Joey to be happy, to have a good life with someone he loves deeply. We certainly didn't expect that to be with another man and that takes some getting used to, but Ben is a good man. The more I see them together the more I understand how lucky they are to have found each other."

Mom turned to Pop. "But what will everyone say, Tony? The Church says it's wrong, most everyone we know thinks it's wrong. It's not going to be an easy life for Joey."

"That's all the more reason why you should love your son and support and accept him. I know what you're going through, Rose. I'm a mother, too."

"But your world is different from mine. This is probably a lot more common in your circle of friends."

"I'll admit my social scene is probably more varied than yours, but I grew up in a conservative middle-class Irish Catholic family, so my initial reaction was probably similar to yours. Besides, Ben is my only child. By the time you found out about Joey being gay you had several other children happily married and tons of grandchildren. I'm not saying that you don’t love each of your children as much as I love Ben, but he's all I've got. His well-being and happiness has always been the most important thing in my life. An early concern of mine was also that his being gay would make his life harder and I didn't want to see that, but I couldn't change who he was. And once I'd learned to accept it and love him unconditionally, I didn't want to change him. I just wanted him to be happy."

Once our mothers began talking about the things we'd put them together to talk about Ben and I didn't want to interfere. As the meal wrapped up, we left them to their talk and started clearing the table. In the kitchen I pulled Ben into a hug.

"I think it's working. Mom is starting to relax and open up. Your mother is doing great."

"Yeah, and Sam isn't bad either. But your father is pretty quiet, though what he has added was supportive. He's okay with us, right?"

"Yeah, he's fine, that's just how Pop is. He's been working on Mom for a long time so now he's probably happy to let someone else do the work."

I kissed him on the lips, lightly at first, then a bit more passionately. We separated for a second and I whispered, "I love you so much, Ben."

We kissed again until I heard a throat clearing behind me. I turned and our mothers were in the doorway, each holding plates and glasses. My mother was looking very uncomfortable while Gale was smiling.

"I thought you boys were cleaning up, not playing. Rose and I are supposed to be enjoying a night off from this kind of work."

"Can I help it if your son is irresistible, Gale? Give me those things and go back to your husbands. We'll finish up and bring in the dessert and coffee."

Afterwards in the living room we discussed our plans for a party in the spring over Sambuca and brandy.

"Joey and I didn't want to plan a celebration of our commitment until after the custody hearing, but we've been talking about it quite a bit this week. We've both got birthdays coming up in May so we decided to wait until early June. That's the wedding month, anyway. And maybe Dad and Lori will be able to make it by then."

Ben explained to my parents that Lori was his step-mother and that she was due to have a baby soon.

"We've decided to have the party here at the house and by June it will be warm enough to use the patio and backyard. Otherwise it could get pretty crowded with everybody in here."

"I can recommend a great caterer, Ben."

"Oh, the boys shouldn't waste their money on that. My sister-in-law Josephine and I can do the cooking."

Ben and I knew that would be the two mothers' reactions and we'd already discussed the food.

"We're going to do both, Ma. I have a couple of favorite dishes that you and Aunt Josephine do a great job on, so we'd like you to make them. But we don’t want you working all day so to give you a break and provide some variety we'll have the rest catered."

We discussed the party for a while and it was getting on toward eleven when Pop started yawning. Mom noticed and they decided to leave, but not before she and Gale made plans to meet for lunch during the week so they could get to know each other better and, as Gale put it, talk about us behind our backs.

Gale and Sam left not long after Mom and Pop. Ben and I had just started in the kitchen when the phone rang. I picked it up thinking it was probably James calling for a ride home. It was Cookie instead.

"Hi, Joey, it's Cookie. I'm sorry to be calling so late but I can't get James on his cell phone. Is he there?"

"He's still out. I thought he was with you. Didn't you two go to the movies?"

"No, my grandparents were here for dinner tonight. I tried calling James earlier and it went right to his voicemail and then I got it again a few minutes ago."

"And you don’t have any idea where he might be? Did he say anything to you during the week?"

"No, he just said you guys were having this big family dinner tonight. I knew he wasn't looking forward to it, but he didn't say anything about going out instead."

"Well, if you hear from him tell him to call home immediately."

I was shaking as I hung up the phone and told Ben about the conversation, although he'd pretty much figured it out from hearing my side of it.

"Where could he be? It's not like he's got lots of other friends."

"Calm down, Joey. Maybe he just went to the movies alone."

"I'm gonna go look for him. Can you stay here with Connor?"

"Hold on, babe. There are a few routes he could be walking home and you'd probably miss him. Besides, it's nearly eleven-thirty. Didn't he say he'd be home by then?"

"Yeah, but he also said he was going out with Cookie."

"I know, but he's a good kid. I'm sure he'll have some explanation."

"But he lied to us. That's just not like him. I thought everything was going so well with him settling in here."

"Well, obviously he's got something going on in his head, maybe something he's not ready to talk to us about. Or maybe he's just being a teenager, keeping things to himself without thinking."

Ben tried to get me back into cleaning up the kitchen but I was too keyed up and ended up doing more pacing than anything else. Ten minutes later I heard the front door open and leapt toward the living room.

"Where have you been?"

James had a little smile on his face and looked totally preoccupied. When I threw my question at him he jumped, as if he hadn't noticed me come into the room. He seemed a bit disoriented. Maybe it was paranoia but my first thought was that he seemed high on something.

"Um, what do you mean? I was out. You know that. The movies, the diner, you know."

"Cookie called. We know you lied about going out with her." He winced at the word 'lied.'

"I didn't mean to lie, Uncle Joey. But Cookie was busy with her grandparents and I knew you'd want me to stay in rather than go out alone."

"So you went all by yourself? That couldn't have been much fun. You should have stayed home."

"Um, no, actually. I was with a friend. I didn't really lie much. I did what I said, just with someone else."

"Who is this friend? Anybody I know?" God, I sounded like the world's most overprotective parent.

"No, you don’t know him. It was Jared Winters. He's new in school this year."

"He's the one Cookie was talking about. What's going on with you and him?"

"N-nothing, Uncle Joey. Lately we've been talking more in school and the other day when I mentioned I wanted to see the movie playing in town he said he did too. Then he called this afternoon and suggested we go together. That's all. We just saw the movie and had something to eat at the diner."

I was still pretty worked up. His explanation was simple and innocent but first the lying and then the thought of James being out with some kid I didn't know bothered me. Ben must have realized it because he put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed a bit.

"Why don’t we all sit down and talk?"

"I'm kinda tired, Ben. I think I'm just gonna go to bed."

"Not yet, James. I want to know more about this kid."

Ben tightened his grip on my shoulder. "Let him go to bed, Joey. We can talk in the morning."

I gave in and James said goodnight and hurried down the hall to his room. Ben led me into the family room and got us a couple of brandies while I put on some soft music and sat on the couch.

"Well, I certainly didn't handle that well. I don’t know where all of that stereotypical overprotective parent stuff came from. I hope I'm not like that when Connor gets older."

"You were just worried and maybe a little bit offended that he wasn't honest with us. Don’t beat yourself up over it."

"It’s just that I don’t know why he'd feel it necessary to lie. We've been so supportive and I thought he knew he could tell us anything. This was really such a little thing, too. And maybe I'm a bit concerned about him hanging out with someone I don’t know. He's still very vulnerable, you know."

"I know, but you can't watch him every minute. Still, I'm a little disturbed that he thought he couldn't be truthful with us. I thought we'd made so much progress with him."

Ben leaned back against the arm of the couch and pulled me back against him, the reverse of our usual position. I lay my head back against him and we just sat there for a while, sipping our brandy and relaxing. We talked a bit more, with Ben trying to make sense of James' actions. Lula was lying on the floor sleeping and out of the corner of my eye I saw her suddenly jerk her head and look up. I followed her gaze and saw James standing near the kitchen counter in a t-shirt and boxers. He still looked a bit out of it.

"He kissed me."

Ben

I thought the dinner had gone well. It started a bit tense and awkward but Mother was her charming best and seemed to win over Mrs. Napoli. I wasn't sure how much progress any of us made in making her feel any better about Joey's relationship with me but it seemed to be a pretty good start.

I was surprised at how Joey freaked out over Cookie's phone call. I was a bit disturbed myself but knew that James was a pretty sensible kid and we shouldn't have anything to worry about. He'd been in a good mood all week so I wasn't worried about him doing anything crazy. His not being honest with us did bother me, though. I'd thought he trusted us more than that. Maybe I took it a bit personally. I knew he trusted Joey so it was probably me he still wasn't totally comfortable with.

After he arrived home safe and sound I thought that Joey would calm down but he got even worse. James was a bit out of it and didn't seem to want to talk, so when he wanted to go straight to bed I thought it was a good idea. Some cuddling and some brandy seemed to help Joey's mood. I speculated while we lay on the couch together.

"You know, Joey, this is the kid that James has a crush on. He's probably embarrassed about that and doesn't want anyone to know. He's probably also confused about his own feelings now that Jared is paying attention to him and being friendly."

"That's all the more reason to be concerned about James spending time with him. He could hurt James without even realizing it."

"I know. From what Cookie says, Jared is just a friendly guy and talks to everyone. James might take his friendliness the wrong way and think there's more to it, although I remember he insisted to Cookie that Jared was straight and not interested in him at all."

"Maybe he was just covering up his real feelings. He might not want to admit even to himself that he's hoping for something that he thinks is impossible."

"That's what makes teen crushes so painful. He's got no experience with relationships and wants something so badly but it seems so far out of reach. It's something all kids go through, though it might be a little harder for gay kids. We'll just have to be there for him if he wants to talk about it. But try not to badger him, Joey. I'm sure he'll talk when he's ready to."

"I know. The way I reacted tonight will probably have the opposite effect from what I wanted. I'll back off and let him take his time."

We sat for a while and when James appeared in the kitchen I was struck by how young and innocent he looked. When he dropped his bombshell, Joey reacted by sitting up quickly.

"What?! When? How? What do you mean, kissed you?"

"Calm down, Joey." I pulled him back against my chest. "Why don’t you go put on your robe and come join us, James? Would you like some hot chocolate?"

He hesitated, then nodded and went back toward his room. I eased out from under Joey and went into the kitchen to warm up some milk. Joey followed.

"Let's just let him tell the story the way he's comfortable. No questions, no pressure, okay?"

"I know. I was just shocked, that's all. I'll be good."

James came back a bit more covered up. I handed him a mug of cocoa and we all went back into the family room. He sat in a chair while Joey and I resumed our position on the couch. He took a long slow sip from the mug and didn't say anything for a while.

"I'm sorry I lied to you guys today. I felt really bad about it but I've been kinda confused lately. Cookie keeps teasing me, saying I've got the hots for Jared and she's right, although I wouldn't ever admit it to her. But I was realistic enough to know that he's just a nice straight kid who's friendly to everyone. It's fun dreaming about him but I knew that's all it was, a fantasy."

"But you said he kissed you." I gave Joey a little squeeze to slow him down.

"Yeah, I can't figure that out. He's been real friendly lately, especially after I ran into him at the library. When he called today and asked me to go to the movies I guess I fantasized a little about it, dreaming that it was more than it was, like a real date, so maybe that's why I didn't tell you the truth. I was embarrassed because I was being a silly kid."

"Everybody has little fantasies like that, not just kids. It's a very normal thing."

"Well, it never happened to me before, Ben. Anyway, we had a great time. The movie was so-so but we had fun at the diner. Usually, I don’t talk much around people I don’t know well, but Jared is just so easy to be with and talk to. The time just flew by. His family lives off Rosedale Ave., so he walked with me that far. We stood and talked on the corner for a while and then with no warning he grabbed my shoulders and pulled me toward him. Then he kissed me, right on the lips. Nothing sexy, just close-mouthed, his lips pressing mine. But then I opened my mouth without thinking and all of a sudden our tongues were touching and it felt like I was going to explode. I got aroused in an instant and was afraid he would notice so I pulled away from him. Then he got all flustered and embarrassed. He apologized, said goodnight and practically ran away, leaving me standing there confused with a hardon. I'm afraid I really messed up."

"Why? You didn't do anything wrong. He's the one who kissed you."

"Yeah, Ben, but it wasn't really any different from the way the guys in my family kiss each other. I was the one who opened my mouth and made it a sexual thing."

"James, I know that sometimes the guys in our family kiss, but that's not really all that common. And it's not something that straight friends do, especially when they don’t know each other very well. And even though you're the one who opened your mouth, you were also the one who pulled away."

"But what do you think it all means? Do you think he's gay or am I just dreaming? Did I mess up?"

"He might be gay and attracted to you. Or maybe he's just curious and you're the only gay kid he knows so he's testing himself. It's hard to know what's going on in his head without talking to him. That's what you have to do."

"I'm not sure how to do that, Ben. I mean, he's the one who comes up to me all the time. I'm not sure I can approach him."

"Well, it shouldn't be that hard to approach him. After all, you just spent an evening together and you said he's easy to talk to. But if he's feeling guilty about the kiss he might avoid you. Try not to pressure him. Just be yourself the next time you see him and play it by ear. In the meantime, try not to obsess about it."

"Easier said than done, Ben. You wouldn't believe all the stuff that's been running through my head."

"Oh, I think Joey and I can both imagine pretty well what you're thinking. Remember, you can always talk to us. Don’t feel embarrassed. We've both been there."

"Yeah, James. I'm sorry I came down on you so hard earlier." Joey smiled reassuringly at him. "So, putting aside all of these confusing unknowns, how was your first kiss?"

"Oh god, Uncle Joey, it was awesome! It felt like my whole body was tingling and my head was popping. I could feel my heart pounding like crazy."

"It sounds like you enjoyed it, then. Good. I know it's hard not to make too much of it, but remember that even if nothing more comes of this, it was your first kiss and it was a good experience."

"Yeah, and Jared is so hot. You should see him. He's got the most awesome blue eyes. And his body is fantastic! Everything about him drives me crazy."

"Whoa, boy! What did Ben and I just say about not jumping too fast?"

"Yeah, I know. But it's still fun to think about."

He finished up his hot chocolate and got up. After kissing us both on the cheek, he put his mug in the dishwasher and went back to bed. Joey let out a big sigh.

"So, are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah, I guess. I'm still worried about him getting hurt, though. Do you think he's going to be all right?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine. As soon as he takes care of that not-so-little problem that was causing his robe to tent out, anyway."