Second Wind

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Joey

A couple of days later I was working in the office a little after noon when Vinnie appeared in the doorway. I'd been a little paranoid whenever he approached me ever since James' birthday. I knew he'd freak out if he heard about Jared kissing James, but James had asked his sisters and brother not to say anything and apparently they'd been able to keep their mouths shut. They knew their father very well and didn't want to set him off.

"I've got a truckload of shrubs to unload, Joey. Can you give me a hand?"

I looked down at my khakis. "I'm not exactly dressed for that kind of work, Vin. Can't you get one of the others to help?"

"They're all at lunch. C'mon, it'll only take a half hour or so. Don't be a sissy. It's not like you're gonna be rolling in the mud."

I got up and followed him out behind one of the greenhouses. For twenty minutes we unloaded the flatbed in silence. As usual lately, we only spoke when we had to and then only about business. I tried not to get dirty although I wasn't a fanatic about it. We were nearly done when I heard someone walk up behind us.

"So this is where you guys are hiding."

Vinnie and I both turned and saw Rick standing about ten feet away, his hands jammed in his jeans pockets. I watched Vinnie, worried about his reaction. He looked puzzled, like he didn't recognize his old friend, but felt like he ought to.

"What's the matter, champ? Have I changed that much?"

Vinnie's mouth dropped open. "Rick?"

"Right the first time." He smiled at us both. "How's it going, Joey?"

Vinnie looked back and forth between us. "You two know each other?"

"Yeah, Vin, we ran into each other at a bowling tournament last month."

Vinnie looked wary. "So what are you doing here? I don’t think I've seen you in over twenty years."

"Twenty-five, actually. But from what Joey was telling me last month, you're an even bigger asshole now than you were back then, so I thought maybe it was time we had a talk."

"We've got nothing to talk about, faggot." Vinnie turned around and picked up a shrub.

"Aw, is that any way to talk to your long-lost best buddy? I was thinking that maybe I could take the two of you to lunch. I noticed that your uncle still has his place on Main Street."

"No way I'm going anywhere with you. If you and Joey want to have lunch I won't stop you."

"Well, if you're going to be like that maybe I should have a talk with James instead."

Vinnie spun around and took a step toward Rick. "You know my kid?" He turned and glared at me. "What the fuck is goin' on, Joe? You let this pervert near my son? You're supposed to be taking care of him."

"Take it easy, Vin. There's nothing 'going on.' Rick only met him once and that was at a bowling banquet."

"Yeah, calm down, champ. James may look an awful lot like you did back then, but the guys I'm into these days are quite a bit older. Kids don’t do anything for me. So how about lunch? I'm not going to attack you, you know."

Vinnie shook his head, mumbled something unintelligible and went back to unloading the bushes.

"You go on ahead, Rick. I'll get him to come. We've got to clean up so we'll be a few minutes."

"Okay, I want to swing by and take a look at the old neighborhood on the way anyhow. I'll see you guys in about ten minutes." He turned and walked around the side of the greenhouse.

"What's you tell him we'd go for? I have nothing to say to that perv."

"He was your friend, Vinnie. He told me everything, about your friendship, the fun you guys used to have in the garage and the way it ended. You were rotten to him and you owe him an apology."

"The faggot took advantage of me and you think I should apologize? No fuckin' way!"

"The least you can do is talk to him. Or maybe I'll have a talk with James. When Rick met him he only said you were old friends. Unless you want James to hear the whole story, you're going to lunch."

"Fuckin' blackmail," he grumbled.

Vinnie and I cleaned up and rode the mile Uncle Angelo's tavern in silence. Now and then when I was with Vinnie I really missed the upbeat, fun-loving big brother he'd always been. Of my three brothers, he'd always been the wacky one, the one who came up with crazy ideas and schemes. He was a little too hung up on his macho image, but other than that he had always been fun to be around. Until all of this started with Ben and then James, that is. The past several months I'd seen a side of him that was totally unknown to me.

Rick was getting out of his car as we pulled into the lot and the three of us walked into the tavern together. Uncle Angelo came out from behind the bar to greet us.

"What a nice surprise! It's so good seeing the two of you together like this."

Vinnie just grunted so I performed the introductions.

"Uncle Angelo, this is an old friend of Vinnie's, Rick Saunders."

Rick grinned. "Remember me, Mr. Casciano?"

"Of course I do. Your family lived on the next street over from me. You were always cutting through my yard, trampling my begonias. How are your parents?"

"They're good. Retired and living in Florida, what else?"

We sat in a booth with me next to Rick and Vinnie across from us. Uncle Angelo brought us our drinks, draft beers for Vinnie and Rick, iced tea for me. We ordered our food and sat in silence for a minute.

"So what are we doing here, Rick? What's so important that you need to talk to me after all these years?"

"For a long while after I moved away, I couldn't wait until I grew up so I could come back and get even for what you and John did to me. As time went by though, I got over it, put it in the past and got on with my life. But then I ran into Joey and met James last month and that's got me thinking again about what happened between us. All these years later you were still at it, turning your back on your brother and son just because they're gay. I could never figure out why you attacked me like that."

"Because I'm not a fag like you, Rick."

"I never thought you were, Vinnie. I knew I was gay even though I'd never done anything or told anyone. And yeah, I was nuts about you. You were a bit older and lots bigger than me. You were so confident, so strong, and you took care of me. But I knew you were straight, that was so clear. And that was okay with me because I liked you just the way you were and I loved being your friend. Those times we had in the garage were so hot but I knew them for what they were, a couple of horny kids getting their rocks off."

"Then why'd you take advantage of my being drunk and go after me like that?"

"I was drunk, too, Vinnie, probably more than you. You'd had your father's wine before. It never occurred to me that I was taking advantage of you since you were always the one who was in charge whenever we did anything. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, I know. But that didn't give you the right to beat me like that. That other time I'd touched you you didn't do anything much, but you made it clear you didn't want me to do that again. Why couldn't you have just done that again that time?"

The conversation stopped as Uncle Angelo approached with a tray with three bowls of steaming minestrone and our sandwiches. He put them in front of us and went back to the kitchen. We started in on the soup in silence. Finally, Vinnie put his spoon down and looked at Rick.

"I know how much you looked up to me, because that's just how I looked up to my brother, John. If I was your hero, he was mine. But he always teased me so much, always putting me down, not seriously, just teasing. For a month or so before that day, he'd been calling me 'fag' and 'homo' a lot. I'm sure he didn't really think that I was one, he was just saying it as a putdown because he knew it got to me. A couple of times he jokingly referred to you as my boyfriend. I never connected it with what we were doing in the garage, though. I mean, I didn't know you were queer at that point, and John and I had jerked off together quite a few times back when he first showed me how and I knew that wasn't queer."

I shook my head. "I still can't imagine you and John jerking off together."

"It was just two kids getting off, Joe, innocent fun. I'm sure you get turned on thinking about it, makin' it something disgusting in your mind, but that's not the way it was."

"Believe me, Vin, I've never had sexual fantasies about any of my brothers. But I don't get how jerking off with another guy is okay for you and not for me."

"You wouldn't understand. It just different, that's all. Besides, once I started up with girls I never had any interest in doing that any more."

"Let's get back to that day, Vinnie. I realized it wasn't so much that I went down on you that triggered your violent reaction, it was being caught by John. And though I'll never forget the pain of that day, physical and emotional, I guess I understood why it happened. But it was what happened after that, days later when we ran into each other in school, that I never understood. I thought that we'd just go on like before and never mention what happened, sort of like the time I touched you. I blamed myself for getting beat up as much as I blamed you so I wasn't looking for an apology, I just wanted to still be your best friend. But you turned on me completely, putting me down in front of everyone at school, refusing to have anything to do with me. Losing your friendship was bad enough, but having you lead the others in taunting me was more than I could bear. If my father hadn't been transferred that summer I probably would have killed myself before the next school year started. Even when I was at my new school I was a mess for a long time, blaming myself, hating myself. Why did you do that to me? You were my friend."

I expected Vinnie to come back with a short nasty insult. He never was one for serious thought or self-examination. All of our conversations since the fall about anything gay had pretty much been him spouting bigoted one-liners. But he took his time and seemed lost in thought as he munched on his sandwich.

"You were my friend, Rick. You have no idea how much I loved having you for a little brother of sorts." He glanced over at me. "You were just a baby, Joey, so you didn't count then." He looked back at Rick. "The way you looked up to me and depended on me always made me feel so good. I wanted to protect you more than anything. I guess I knew there was something a little different about the way you felt about me, but that was okay as long as it didn't get out of hand. But then, John walked in on us and flipped out, accusing me of being as queer as you. I just couldn't handle him turning on me, him disapproving of me. So I had to show him that it was all you, that you were the bad guy, that I was on his side."

"Yeah, I figured that's where the violence came from. But after…?"

"After you left I went to my room and slept off the wine. When I sobered up I felt confused, scared because of what John saw and might think of me, and guilty for beating you up. My first reaction was that I wanted to apologize to you, or maybe just ignore what had happened and go on the way things had been before. But you weren't at school the next day so I couldn't do either. And all the time John kept on at me about how disgusting you were, how you'd forced yourself on me. He said that's all queers cared about, getting dick, that that's all you'd probably ever wanted from me in the first place. I decided that he was right, that you weren't my friend, that you just wanted my dick."

"You couldn't possibly have believed that, not after all the years we'd been friends."

"It made sense to me then. John was older and he knew lots more about sexual things. And it wasn't just him. Everything I'd ever heard about queers was bad. Nobody had anything good to say about them. So I pushed you away, and when I did everyone was on my side, so I knew I was doing the right thing. Ripping into you not only showed that I knew right from wrong, but that I wasn't a queer like you."

"You tried to destroy me so you'd be popular?"

"I didn't have to attack you for that. I was popular already. I'll admit that at first I hated seeing the pain on your face when I put you down at school and when others did it I had to fight the instinct to protect you, but I knew you'd brought it on yourself. You were wrong and I was right."

I'd been pretty angry at Vinnie when Rick first told Ben and me his story at the tournament but now I was disgusted.

"How can you think in such simple terms, he's wrong, you're right? You two were best friends for years, really cared about each other and you threw all of that away simply because he was attracted to guys? Everything else you knew about him didn't matter, that was all that counted. The same thing with me. For twenty-seven years you've seen me almost every day and shared my life with me. You know who I am. But that doesn’t matter because I like dick. And your own son. Do you have any idea the kinds of problems so many parents have with their kids, booze, drugs, rebellion. You are the luckiest man in the world to have a son like James, someone so sweet, decent and honest. And yet you just toss him on the trash heap because he isn't the macho straight man that you are. Years ago your best friend thought about killing himself because of you and recently your son actually tried it. This is your idea of right and wrong? You're an idiot, Vinnie."

"You talk like this is all my fault. I'm not the one who's queer. I'm normal and you guys have the problem."

"And you're supposed to love your friend, your brother and your son. You don’t have to agree with us, you don’t have to approve. But being right involves love, Vinnie. And that makes you so wrong."

Vinnie put down his half-eaten sandwich and stood up. He threw some money on the table. "You just don’t get it."

"No, you just don’t get it, Vinnie," I said to his back as he walked out.

"Well, that didn't go very well." I shrugged at Rick.

"I don’t know, Joey. It answered a lot of questions for me. I've speculated for years about what was going on in his head. Now I know. It doesn't change my life any but it takes care of my curiosity. It doesn't help you or James much, though. I was hoping we might be able to do something positive there."

"I don’t know that we got through to Vinnie at all, but we at least got him thinking. And it turns out that it's really John behind all of this. Since I met Ben I've been under the impression that while they were both anti-gay, John was the more reasonable one. Now I'm not so sure."

"Yeah, I always thought of Vinnie as a strong personality, an in-charge kind of guy. It never occurred to me that he had someone he looked up to and followed."

"Well, it looks like I need a ride back to the nursery. Can you drop me off?"

"Sure, Joey, no problem, but you'll excuse me if I don’t go in. I think I've had enough of 'champ.'"

Ben

The day after the custody hearing I talked to one of the account reps at work about the nursery. I told her what I knew of the business and put her in touch with Mr. Napoli. I sat in on the first meeting they had until they got to know one another, but then left it up to the two of them to work things out. Pop had been in business for decades and knew what he wanted. Carla was a capable rep and knew her stuff. I knew nearly everything about accounting but didn't know the ins and outs of setting up a new client's account.

A little over a week before our big party I was working in my office one afternoon when Pop stuck his head in.

"Hey, Pop, another meeting with Carla?"

"Yes, we just signed the contract. The nursery is officially one of your accounts now."

"You can be sure I'll give you more than a little special attention."

"I have to tell you that I was nervous when you suggested this. I knew you could handle our business but this is such a big firm. I've always been right on top of everything having to do with the nursery before. But Carla is so professional and answered every one of my questions, some more than once. And I know that you'll be doing a lot of the work, so there's really nothing for me to worry about."

"That's right, Pop. We'll take care of everything better than ever plus we've got resources that you never had available to you before, so everything is going to be great."

"I'm sure it will. So are you and Joey all ready for your party? He's been talking about nothing else the past week."

"Yeah, I think we've got everything covered. Joey has been obsessing about it a little. It's grown so much bigger than we originally planned but we're on top of it. Just about everyone we invited is coming, with two big exceptions, that is."

Pop frowned. "My middle sons?"

"Yeah, not that we expected any different. At least Rita and the kids will be there, though I don’t think anyone from John's family will be coming."

Pop shook his head. "This has gone on long enough. I think it's time for a little family meeting. Are you and Joey busy tonight, Ben?"

"No, as far as I know we've got nothing on for the evening."

"Good. Come over to the house around seven. I'll let Joey know when I get back to the nursery."

I spent the rest of the afternoon wondering what was going to take place. A family meeting? Joey had never mentioned anything like that so I wasn't sure what that meant. When I got home Joey was already in the kitchen working on dinner and I told him about Pop's visit to my office and asked him what he knew.

"Not much more than you. I'm not sure what he's got in mind. I know how important the family is to Pop and how he takes his role as leader very seriously. But we all respect him so much that usually when one of us is doing something that Pop disagrees with, he just pulls us aside and has a word with us. That's all it takes. A big meeting is something new for me."

"You think everyone's going to be there?"

"We'll just have to wait and see. There's no use speculating. Besides, Cookie and Jared are visiting James in his room and they're staying for dinner, so let's not talk about family problems. Let's let James enjoy his friends."

We all had an enjoyable meal. Jared had been over to the house a few times a week lately and seemed to be fitting in well with James and Cookie. From what little James said their relationship was mostly friendship, but affectionate friendship. Whatever was happening between them was going slow and both Joey and I thought that was a good thing. After supper the kids offered to clean up the kitchen. James had plenty of experience putting Connor to bed by now so we left them to it.

When we got to the Napoli house Joey knocked on the front door but then went on in. Pop was in the living room with John and Vinnie. John was sitting in a chair looking annoyed. Vinnie was on the couch and looked totally pissed.

"Okay, you're all here now. Let's get comfortable because I have a few things to say."

"I thought you said a family meeting, Pop. Where is everyone else?"

"I only invited those who are having a problem with your relationship with Ben, Joey. Anthony and Sal are fine with it. Your mother and sister still have some concerns but they're working on it. John and Vinnie aren't even trying, and that's what I want to talk about."

"Oh, so we're the problem, Pop? Joey's the one who goes off into this immoral relationship and Vinnie and I are at fault for calling him on it?"

"Calm down, John. As I said, I have a few things to say and since it's my house, I go first. I think you all know where I stand on this relationship. I don’t understand where these gay feelings come from and it goes against everything I was taught my whole life.' He glanced over at Joey. "When it comes to the physical end of things, I don’t even want to think of my son with another man. My whole being rebels when that picture comes into my mind."

"So how are you different from us then, Pop? That's the kind of thing John and I have been saying all along."

"The difference is that I love Joey and want what is best for him." Both John and Vinnie started to object. "I know, boys, you say you love your brother as well, and I'm sure you do, but you’re not acting like it. There's a line I've heard at church my whole life that goes, 'Hate the sin but love the sinner.' In my experience, very few people follow that. If they hate the sin, whatever it is, they end up taking it out on the sinner. Now I'm not saying that what Joey and Ben do is a sin because it isn't my place to judge them. I know that they love each other, take care of each other and seem to be very good for each other. I was always told that what they do in bed is wrong, but knowing everything else I know about them, I have to keep an open mind on that. Who are they hurting? No one. And they love each other, so how can that be wrong? I'm not a deep thinker, boys, I'm sure you know that, so all I can do is look at what is in front of me. Joey is a kind decent Christian man and I love him with all my heart. As I get to know Ben more and more I have the utmost respect for him. He loves Joey, takes care of him and makes him happy. So while I don’t understand it, the rest is none of my business."

"But society says it's wrong, Pop. It's not just Vinnie and me. Overall this can't be good for Joey and he's going to get hurt. And it's going to make Connor's life hard, too."

"All the more reason why the family should be supporting them and not fighting them, John."

"So if we see Joey heading off a cliff we're just supposed to keep our mouths shut? If we disapprove of what he's doing don’t we have an obligation to tell him if we love him?"

"If you disagree or disapprove, Vinnie, of course you have the right to say so. But then you don’t turn your back on your brother. I don’t recall your asking Joey for his approval for any major decision you've made in your life and you shouldn't have to. You don’t need each other's approval, but you do need each other's love."

"So you're saying that our opinions don’t matter here."

"We all have a right to our opinions and you know I've never stopped any of you from voicing yours, except when they were hurtful or counterproductive. You can disagree with each other and still love each other. But that is not what has been going on here lately. Now, I can't force you to get along. I could demand that you to attend the party Ben and Joey are having next week, but if you're not going to be supportive of them then no one really wants you there. It's pretty much up to each of you, whether you want to continue to be a full part of this family." He turned to Joey and me. "Do either of you have anything to say?"

I shook my head. This was a Napoli family meeting and I didn't feel I quite belonged in this conversation. It was important that Joey and his brothers work out their problems and anything I said would probably just make things worse. I left the speaking up to Joey.

"I agree with you, Pop, about the whole approval thing. That shouldn't be what this is all about. It's about loving each other despite our disagreements. I can live without your approval, guys. I can live without your love, too, if that's what you want, though I'd rather not. I'm an adult, I've been through a lot and I have the love and support of Ben and most of my family. I'll get by without you, but I'd really like you to continue to be a part of my life." He turned and faced Vinnie. "But for James' sake, I wish you'd think hard about what Pop has said tonight. Yes, James is gay, but he is so much more than that. He's a bright, sweet, charming, sensitive and loving young man. He loves you very much and needs your love. He's at a difficult age, has been going through a rough time and he needs his father's love and support to grow into the best man he can be."

"Of course I love James, and that's exactly what I want for him, to be the best man he can be. But what if he doesn't have to be gay? He's young, he can change."

"You should know better about change, Vinnie. Caring for, and being with someone who's gay doesn't make you gay. Rick didn't make you gay, did he? And as much as he looked up to you, that couldn't make him straight. Change doesn't happen like that. We are what we are. Forget what everyone has always told you and look at what you see. Look at who James is. Love him for who he is."

Vinnie was lost in thought for a while. If Pop wasn't a man known for deep thinking, Vinnie wasn't even known for light thinking. All of this was probably giving him a headache. John had been pretty quiet toward the end of Pop's talk and what Joey had to say. He was thinking it over but I couldn't read anything on his face. Neither of them looked like they were likely to have an immediate about-face.

Pop had said everything he wanted and neither of us had any more to say, so we said goodnight and left. In the car on the way home I turned to Joey.

"So do you think it did any good?"

"I don’t know. What Pop implied at the end was that if they continued to shut me out of their lives they were cutting themselves off from the rest of the family as well. I'm sure when that sinks in it will have some impact. But I meant what I said about moving on without them. I'd rather not lose my brothers, but if that's what they choose, I'm ready to go on without them."

"It always amazes me when families fall apart over issues like this. My family isn't especially close and yet we always stick by one another. It's that unconditional love thing, I guess. No matter what the differences, you're still family."

"That's the way I look at it too, and that's what Pop was trying to tell John and Vinnie. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if love or bigotry wins out."

To be continued.