Second Wind

Chapter Five

Ben

I was in a much better mood after Joey left the house. I'd liked the kid and felt like we had something good going, some kind of friendly bonding, and it had surprised me how upset I'd been after I thought I'd screwed things up on Monday. It also surprised me how relieved I felt when I realized our budding friendship was back on track.

Saturday night Mother and Sam took me out to a local Japanese steakhouse for dinner. I ordered shrimp as both an appetizer and entrée. I just couldn't get enough of it and I loved watching the chef flipping the food in the air over the stove in front of us. After the first few sips I kind of got into the sake, too. Mother and Sam were more into variety and shared with each other.

"You're acting very cheery tonight, Ben. What's up? A new man in your life?"

"No, Mother, I'm just in a good mood. Does everything always have to be about men?"

Sam seemed a bit quiet and preoccupied which was fairly common. He often had a hard time taking his mind off business. Besides, he wasn't comfortable talking about my being gay. I mean, I knew he really liked me as a person and was okay with my being gay, he just didn't want to hear the details.

"You really should get out there and start dating again, Ben. Rebecca is a wonderful friend to you but you need more than her in your life. Now that you've got your home put together it's time to get the rest of your life going again."

"Yeah, Becky keeps telling me the same thing but I'm just not ready. I think I need some more time to lick my wounds. Besides, I haven't been on a date since college. I wouldn't even know where to begin."

"You may not think you're ready, Ben, but it does no good to just withdraw. When you fall off a horse you've got to get right back on. The longer you wait, the harder it is. Look at your father and me. We both got back out again right after the divorce."

"Yeah, but that was different. You and Dad were never a good match and you stayed together for my sake long after you should have split. Your breakup was mutual and you were both more than ready to move on when it happened."

"Yes, but the sooner you start over, the quicker the past and the hurt fade. I don't like to see you in pain, Ben."

Though most of the time I viewed her as this society maven, totally into show with her decorating, entertaining and impressing the world around her with her money and taste, now and then I caught a glimpse of her as my mother, the woman who had taken care of me when I was lonely or frightened or sick as a boy, the loving woman who could make everything all right. As I got older I didn't see that side of her much, but it was still there, buried under her 'glamour'. Like I said, she loved me. Sometimes it was hard to tell, but at times like this it just felt so good to feel that love.

"I know, Mom." She looked at me funny. I hadn't called her Mom since I was in high school but it slipped out. "I know you care and want the best for me. I'm trying, really I am. Just because I'm taking it slow doesn't mean I'm not working on it."

"I glad to hear it. I was afraid that you were withdrawing into that house. When you were staying with us you were going out all the time. It sounds like you're becoming a homebody now."

"That was different, Mother. As welcoming as you and Sam were, I wasn't in my own place so I went out a lot. And I wasn't meeting guys that way, not to date anyhow. Now that I'm settling into my life, if I meet a guy, I want it to be for more, so I'm taking my time."

I hadn't really given it all that much thought up until then. I suppose I'd been living in denial a lot. But being forced to think about where my life was and put it into words made me realize that maybe I was ready to start dating, though I was definitely going to go very slow and be cautious beyond belief.

Joey

Saturday night I was planning to go to the diner with Angie and Connor again but Mom ran interference on me.

"You don’t take a baby on a date, Joey."

"Ma, it's not a date, just two friends hanging out."

"It's dinner and it's Saturday night. You're a boy, she's a girl. It's a date." I rolled my eyes. "Besides, Lisa offered to baby-sit."

"I'm still not giving in on the date issue but I'll just ignore that for now. You know how much I like to be with Connor on the weekends, Mom. It's bad enough I have to leave him when I go to work all week. Besides, Lisa is only thirteen."

"I know you're a devoted father, Joey, but you deserve some time to yourself. And Lisa may be young but she's been around lots of babies. Besides, Sal and Donna Marie will be home to keep an eye on things. Give Lisa a chance. She loves you and adores Connor. She just wants to do something for you."

Mom knows I have a weakness for my nieces and nephews and she's not above exploiting it.

"All right, Ma. I'll drop him off on the way to the diner and pick him up afterward. Lisa can watch him for an hour or so."

"The diner! An hour or so! What kind of date is that?"

I gave up talking and went upstairs to shower and get ready for my 'date.'

Angie and I settled into the booth and ordered our dinners. She went for a full turkey dinner. I ordered a chef's salad.

"Don’t you need more than a salad to keep you going, Joe? You worked today, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but I love salads of all kinds. I get plenty of 'heavy' meals at home so I indulge myself on salads when I'm out."

"It was nice of your niece to watch Connor tonight. Babies and restaurants are sometimes a bad match."

"I know. There's nothing worse than trying to have a nice meal out with a baby screaming at the next table, or even across the room for that matter. But Connor's never been like that. He gets fidgety sometimes, or whimpers if he's unhappy, and he definitely lets you know when he needs changing, but he's no a screamer or bawler. He has such a wonderful disposition. I may be a little prejudiced but I think he's the best little boy in the world."

"Spoken like a loving father. He is a good boy and he's such a cutie but even so it must be tough on you, trying to eat and handle him at the same time."

"Oh, it's not so hard. I'm getting really good at multi-tasking. Taking care of Connor is like second nature to me."

"Yeah, it must be sort of like going on autopilot, taking care of whatever he needs without even thinking."

I gave her a shocked look. "No way I'm ever on autopilot around him, Angie. About other things maybe, but Connor's always my primary focus. I'm always totally aware of every move he makes, everything I'm doing with him."

"You're a good father, Joey. I can see how much you love him."

I shrugged. "He's my life."

The waitress brought the food and we talked, mostly about our jobs, all through dinner. Angie had started working in a hair salon in town. After a while the conversation shifted to old high school friends. I tried to steer it away from Jenny. My distant past was more pleasant for me to talk about than my recent past. After dinner we each had a cup of decaf.

"You know, Joey, you really amaze me, how well you're doing. When I saw you at the funeral, I really thought you weren't going to make it. I don’t think I've ever seen anyone so totally devastated."

Oh God, the funeral. I didn't ever let myself think about that, ever.

"I'm sorry, Angie, I really don’t want to talk about that time. Please."

"I understand, Joey. I'm sorry I mentioned it."

I just sat and looked down at the table a minute, trying to compose myself. Angie came around and slid into my side of the booth. She put her right arm around my shoulder and lay her left hand on my forearm, which was resting on the table. I took a few deep breaths. Angie ran her fingers lightly up and down my arm.

"Are you okay, Joey?"

"Yeah, it's just not something I talk about much. That's how I get by. I know it's denial but it works." Her fingers ran down to my hand and she rubbed my ring with the tip of her finger. I instinctively jerked my hand away. "Maybe we'd better get the check and go, Angie. I'm afraid I'm not very good company tonight."

I drove Angie home and walked her to the door, again apologizing for my mood.

"Don’t worry about it, Joey. I understand. And I had a good time anyway." She leaned toward me and kissed me on the cheek, then turned and went into the house.

I went over to Sal's and hung out with Lisa for a while before taking Connor home. I knew I probably spent too much time with kids, but they were such a comfort to me. Once we were back in our room, I lay on the bed with Connor on my chest, holding him close. I wasn't sure Monday night was going to work. I'd more or less committed myself to telling Ben all about my past but every time the subject came up I just wasn't up to it. I avoided it with people who already knew. How was I going to explain to someone who didn't?

Ben

Sunday afternoon Becky and I went to New Hope, PA and had brunch at the Cartwheel. I generally preferred the crowd at the Raven but there was a good chance you-know-who would be there with you-know-what. The Cartwheel was just fine. The restaurant was in the front building, a converted stone farmhouse over 200 years old. It was charming and the food and service were good. Beck and I were each on our second Bloody Mary when the waiter brought our food - a tomato frittata for Becky, steak and eggs for me.

"Steak! How butch. And rare, too. Are you finally trying to make a man out of yourself, Ben, all that red meat and blood?"

"It's filet mignon, medium rare. Nothin' butch about that. Don’t you be starting rumors about me, girl."

"You have been in a remarkably good mood the past couple of days, Ben, almost like your old self. What's going on?"

"Not you, too. Mother said the same thing last night. Do I need an excuse to be happy? Is there something wrong with that?"

"No, I'm glad to see you happy but it's so unlike you lately. I was just getting used to that bitter cynical queen you've been since last spring."

"Well, I can't keep that up all the time. Every now and then I slip and act happy. You'll just have to deal with it."

"If I didn't know better I'd say there was a man behind this somehow."

"And what makes you think you know better?" I felt like playing with her.

"Because I know every move you've made for the last couple of weeks. You haven't had a chance to meet a guy, except maybe at work and I know you don’t like to mix business with pleasure."

"What makes you think I haven't met someone at bowling?"

"Because I hung out with you at the league last spring. Half the guys there are in relationships and the few who are your type you tricked with right after the breakup. So that's out."

"Well, thank you for reminding me how shitty my prospects are, Beck. I don’t think you have to worry about me being in a good mood the rest of the day."

As we wandered through the art galleries and craft shops in town afterwards I thought about Becky's comments about the men in my bowling league. It was true. There wasn't anyone there I'd want to go out with, even if I was interested in dating. I realized just the fact that I was thinking that way might be a good sign. Maybe I would be ready to date soon. Of course, that raised another question. Where was I supposed to meet potential dates? There was no one at work, no one at bowling and while bars were pretty good for tricking I'd never ended up dating anyone I met in a bar.

Joey

Monday night my brothers and I were getting ready for practice but I was keeping an eye on the door looking for Ben. I'd been looking forward to seeing him all day. I caught his attention when he got there and waved for him to come over. I introduced everyone but it was tense. John and Vinnie didn't even look at Ben or say anything. At least Anthony was polite enough to shake hands and say hello. I steered Ben away from them for a few minutes and we talked about going to Angelo's later. He went over to his league and I went back to change into my bowling shoes.

"I don’t know why you want to be friends with a fag, Joey. People are gonna talk if they see you hanging out with him."

"What difference does his being gay make, John? He's a nice guy I enjoy talking to."

"The real question is why he's hanging out with you, baby bro. Better watch your back, or should I say, your ass."

"Oh c'mon, Vinnie. He's not interested in me that way. Not everybody thinks about sex all the time like you do."

"Don’t be comparing me with that perv. Guys like that are sick. What they do is wrong. It even says so in the Bible."

"Since when are you Mr. Religion, Vinnie? I don’t think I've seen you in church since your kids were baptized."

Though I didn't remember much about that day, I knew Vinnie had been in church at Jenny's funeral, but Anthony was sensitive enough not to mention that.

"Just because I don’t go to Mass every Sunday like Joey and Mom doesn’t mean I don’t know what's in the Bible."

"Then maybe you've heard something about not judging others or loving your neighbor."

"I think that queer has a different kind of loving in mind when he looks at Joey, Anthony. I'm just thinking about protecting our brother."

"I think Joey can take care of himself, Vin."

I was surprised by all of my brothers. Sure, I'd heard them use words like fag and queer all my life, but I thought they were just words. I didn't realize John and Vinnie were really that anti-gay. Anthony also surprised me by coming to Ben's defense. I mentioned that to him later in the evening when the others were both up to bowl.

"I wasn't defending your friend so much as you, Joey. I don’t care one way or the other about gay guys as long as they don't bother me. I know you're a pretty good judge of character so if you want to be friends with him he must be an okay guy. Don't pay any attention to our asshole brothers."

Ben

Monday night I saw Joey as soon as I walked into the bowling alley and went over to say hello to him. He was with three big hot looking older guys who turned out to be his brothers. He introduced me to them but with one exception it was a pretty icy atmosphere so I excused myself as soon as I could to go get ready to bowl.

Later, as soon as we settled into our booth at Angelo's, Joey apologized for his brothers.

"Don’t worry about it, Joey. Lots of guys are like that. I've learned not to let it bother me."

"Well, it bothers me. I never knew they were like that before. Maybe I just wasn't paying attention. I'll have to work on them."

"I was surprised at how much older they are than you. They really look like brothers but not much like you."

"Yeah, sometimes I think I was adopted. Facially we look alike, but physically take after my father and I think I'm more like my mother."

I changed the subject by reminding Joey that he was going to 'get even' with me by bending my ear about his life. He seemed nervous and evasive. He talked about just about anything else for a while and by the time Angelo had brought over our second beers he still hadn't gotten to the point.

By then I was wondering what could be such a big deal that he found it so hard to talk about. He was wearing a wedding ring so obviously he was married. If he'd had a nasty divorce he wouldn't still be wearing the ring. Maybe it was a bad marriage and he didn't want to talk about it. I was about to tell him to forget it, that I didn't want him to feel obligated, when he plunged into the story.

He told me all about his family, his childhood and his best friend Jenny. When he got to their teen years when they started dating and then their marriage I could hear the love in his voice and see it in his eyes. He looked happier than I'd ever seen him. He actually seemed to glow. This sure didn't seem like a tale he hadn't wanted to tell. But then his voice dropped when he got to the part about her pregnancy and delivery. He just droned on and on, telling the terrible story in a detached voice, absolutely emotionless. I was horrified. I couldn't imagine going through a loss like that, especially coming so unexpectedly at what should have been the happiest moment of his life.

He suddenly stopped talking, looked down at the table and took a deep breath.

"Excuse me." He jumped up from the table and walked quickly to the back to the men's room. I sat there stunned by the story he'd just told and watched him disappear though the door. Within seconds, Angelo was standing by the table.

"What happened? He didn't look good. What did you say to him? Is Joey all right?"

"I don’t know. He was telling me about what happened to his wife and I think he got overwhelmed."

"Ah, poor Jenny. Poor Joey. I'd better go check on him."

"No, I'll go. He might be embarrassed in front of you."

I got up and went into the rest room. Joey was standing at the sink, gripping the sides of it tightly. I could see how white his knuckles looked. He was staring into the mirror. He didn't turn his head right away but his eyes shifted and met mine in the mirror. He started to tremble and he let out an anguished cry. He turned toward me and started bawling like a baby. I rushed across the room and caught him as he started to collapse. He threw his arms around me and held me so tight I had trouble breathing. He put his head on my shoulder and cried. I wrapped my arms around him and held him. I don’t know how long he cried. He didn't loosen his grasp and I tried to sooth him, lightly rubbing his back with one hand and his head with the other. I couldn't think of anything to say that would help so I said nothing.

Finally the tears started to let up. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the door open and Angelo poked his head in. He raised his eyebrows in question. I just nodded my head at him and he backed out. Joey pulled away a moment later, still sniffling. I got him a wad of toilet paper and he blew his nose, then turned to the sink. He splashed some water on his face and dried himself with paper towels.

"I think I'm okay now. Thanks, Ben." We went back out into the bar and sat in our seats. He just sat there quietly, staring at his hands on the table. I put my hands on his and rubbed them lightly.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, it's just that I haven't talked about that for so long. I haven't let myself cry about it either. I guess there was a lot of emotion built up inside."

"I'm so sorry, Joey. I shouldn't have pried. Next time I ask you something too personal just tell me to butt out."

"No, I'm glad we talked, Ben. I need to stop bottling everything up inside. I talk to Connor now and then but that's not really the same."

"Connor?"

"My son." His face brightened and he actually smiled. "The most beautiful boy in the world."

"I'm sure he is, if he takes after you."

Just then Angelo brought over a couple more bottles of beer. He looked back and forth between us.

"Feeling better, Joe?"

"Yeah, Angelo, I'm fine now, thanks." Angelo looked down at the table, looked a bit perplexed but then shrugged and walked back to the bar. I looked down and saw I still had my hands on Joey's. I don’t think either of us even realized it. I quickly moved and took a sip of my beer.

"I don’t have much experience with kids but someday I'd like to meet your son."

"You will, Ben. You'll love him, even if you don’t like babies."

"I didn’t say I didn't like babies, I just haven't been around them much. My family is tiny compared to yours."

We talked about our families some more as we finished our beers. By the time we left it almost seemed as though Joey's near collapse hadn't even happened. In the parking lot we said goodnight and I was about to get into my car when Joey threw his arms around me, hugged me and whispered in my ear, "Thanks, Ben."

Joey

I hadn't been sure I'd be able to tell Ben my story but once I got started it didn't seem so hard. I went on what Angie would have called autopilot. That worked until I got to the end and all of the memories came rushing out. I just made it to the bathroom and thought I'd managed to get myself under control but then Ben walked in and I lost it.

Later, lying in bed, I ran though the whole scene in my head. It was an emotional outburst like I hadn't experienced in over a year but I was glad I'd gone though it. I needed to let it all out and it seemed that Ben had been the perfect person to open up to. He didn't say much. He didn't have to. His eyes told me how much he cared. So did his hands, both when he held me and comforted me in the men's room and then at the table where he just held my hands. My last thought before I fell asleep was an odd realization. When Angie had tried to comfort me in the diner and had touched my hand, I'd pulled it away. When Ben had his hands on mine I didn't think of pulling away. It felt good.