Sense of Completion
By
Riley James
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How do you tell someone you love that they're full of shit?
Jaycee's head hurt as she contemplated the conversation she had just finished with her best friend and ex-lover. Everything about Beth's life was complicated and it always had been, so really Jaycee hadn't been surprised by this latest call. Funny though, even when your head can rationalize someone's behavior; your heart sometimes has a hard time coming to grips with the reality of it all.
Beth and Jaycee had a tumultuous affair ten years ago and even though it only lasted six months, Jaycee had been totally in love with the buxom thirty year-old bombshell who had crashed into her life and burrowed into her heart. They had stayed friends, best friends even throughout the years following the break-up because Jaycee couldn't bring herself to sever the tie with the love of her life. Yes, she was constantly reminded of love unrequited, but to her it was worth the sacrifice just to keep Beth in her life.
Beth had married a man shortly after their time together and Jaycee knew that she didn't really love the moron, she settled for what she perceived as the "picket fence" answer to the questions of her sexuality and her life's dilemmas. He was an insensitive jerk, who berated Beth constantly by insulting her intelligence and her physicality. Jaycee adored Beth's soul and when you're in love with someone like that, you don't pay attention to their physical attributes; not that Jaycee didn't lust after Beth on a continual basis. In fact Beth was part of her dreams most nights, her raven hair free and flowing around her face as she lay back on the bed in the midst of the Aubergine bedclothes.
The real problem now was that ever since Beth had married "the moron" as Jaycee continually referred to him; she had deteriorated physically and emotionally to a point where she hovered just above a precipice that could plunge her into a full-blown nervous collapse at any moment. Jaycee hated him for that fact alone. In order to compensate for the closeness she had lost when the sexual part of their relationship had ceased, Jaycee moved into the role of confidant and therapist with Beth. During the phone calls that came sporadically in the last year, a highway of problems and complications would spill out of Beth's mind in a series too fast for Jaycee to even comprehend sometimes. And as always, she would sit and listen with rapt attention, biting her tongue as her brain played the age-old game of saying what she felt or saying what she knew Beth wanted to hear.
Jaycee never wanted to hurt the woman she loved so ferociously, but the issues that continued to plague her for all of these years could have been solved so long ago if she had simply taken the alternative course and not fought so hard against her heart. Fear is a huge mitigating factor when weighing one's decision to attempt to enter into a relationship that some would condemn and Beth's decisions had all been made with that looming over her.
During their last conversation Beth had eluded to the fact that "the moron" had been reading some of her private thoughts and memories, a betrayal at the very least. And then he had the audacity to accuse her of never really loving him. Jaycee bit her tongue hard this time, for in her mind he was right, Beth didn't love him, she never had. She simply stayed with him out of fear and a combination of shared memories and commonality.
"Well he never has respected your privacy and if he wants to hurt himself by reading about your past then that's his prerogative," was what she heard herself say when presented with the latest in his long history of idiotic moves.
"I don't know why I'm surprised?" Beth finally answered back. "He can never just let things be. It's like he can't exist without turmoil in our lives."
Jaycee finally rationalized to herself that this situation was never going to change. She had thought about it before, but never allowed herself to accept it as fact. Beth was never going to leave "the moron" and Jaycee's life was still on hold after ten long years.
And then everything went back to the way it was.
Beth was tired and in pain and was ready to sign off. "I love you Jaycee."
"I love you too Beth. Call when you can, okay?"
Jaycee's resolve melted away.
There would never be a time when she didn't love Beth anymore. She had decided long ago that no matter what happened, she would always be there if Beth needed her. Even though it didn't make sense and it was potentially dangerous for her emotional well-being there was nothing she could do to make the love in her heart disappear.
After she hung up the phone, she drew herself a hot bubble bath and retreated into the luxurious comfort of the warm lavender-scented foam. There was almost a finality about what had happened on the telephone earlier. She knew that now and for the rest of her life, Beth would be the center of her life. What capacity she would fill in the future was unforeseen, but whatever it was to be, Jaycee knew she would accept it.
Beth completed her and even if they weren't going together as a couple, if they were destined just to be friends, that's what was meant to be.
This thought gave her something she had been lacking for some time now, a sense of completion.
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