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"AS I REMEMBER HIM"

©Ritchris 2005

A story by

Ritch Christopher

Literary enhancement by

Les Martin

* * * * *

"And though I loved the boy for such a little while..."

Portia Nelson (1995)

Chapter Six

The kiss ended without a word or a glance as each avoided the

other's eyes. Randy reached down to his ankles and pulled up his Speedo,

turned and stepped out of the hot tub and walked into the bathroom where he

took two large bath towels and brought them back to hand them to

David. David raised his hand and took one of the towels, still not making

eye contact with Randy.

Slowly, David stood and raised his white bathing suit and reached

for the side of the hot tub with his hand to give him support to get

out. His legs were still weak from nerves following the incident which had

just transpired between him and Randy. One leg gave way and he slipped,

falling face-downward into the hot water. Randy immediately jumped in to

help by grabbing one of David's arms and placing it around his own neck as

a lifeguard would do in a deep pool. Awkwardly, the two hobbled out of the

hot tub. The towel Randy had given David had dropped into the water when

David fell, so Randy handed David the dry one.

"Thanks," David uttered...the first word either of them had voiced.

"Did you hurt yourself?"

David paused and replied, "The fall didn't hurt me..."

"But you're implying that I did...?" Randy replied, looking away

from David.

David didn't respond to Randy's remark.

"David, if you want to get dressed, I'll drive you back to Thad's

or wherever you want to go...I'll call you a cab and pay for it, if that

would make you feel easier..."

David stood silently with the towel in his hand. He hadn't started

drying himself. He stared at the floor as if he was in a daze.

"David...?"

No response.

"David...?"

Still silent.

"David, please say something..."

"I...I hate myself...!" David uttered in a coarse monotone, almost

robotic.

"Perhaps it's ME you should hate...not yourself!" Randy replied,

quietly.

"I wish I could turn back the clock and forget this day...!"

"I wish I could turn the clock back six months..."

"Would that've made any difference...to Mark?"

"Mark might still be alive if I had shown more fortitude. I...I

curse myself for leaving him. His illness wasn't curable, but it was

treatable. He could have lived for years."

"I guess I'm as much to blame as you. I should have been here for

him and I wasn't! I've asked myself a thousand times in the past two days,

why the fuck didn't I make the effort to contact him or see him?"

"Mark didn't want to see you any more than he wanted to see me. He

didn't want to involve either one of us..."

"But I didn't even make an attempt to get involved."

"I did, several times, but he wouldn't see me...wouldn't take my

phone calls, or even answer the door when I came by to see him."

"From everything I've heard, you...you didn't try to see him...?"

"That's a lie! He WOULDN'T see me."

"What do you mean..."

"If you'll sit down, I'll tell you the whole story...IF you want to

hear it."

"I need to know everything I can about my brother. He was living a

life I knew nothing about...and I want to know..."

"David, Mark was the love of my life! As I remember him before he

became sick, we were the happiest couple on earth. I've never loved anyone

as I did Mark...and never will. He was fun, He was caring, thoughtful,

and--I hope this doesn't offend you, but he was wonderful in bed. We had

sex several times a day and more than once at night. It was like he

couldn't get enough...and I knew damned well, I couldn't get enough of

him. Like you, he was fresh out of traditional old Virginia...naive in

every way about everything. He wanted to learn about everything all at once

as if there would be no tomorrow. There was only here and now with

Mark...and I dearly loved teaching him about the life he never knew

about...it was like I was reborn and living my life anew...sharing things,

going to different places...concerts, museums, traveling Broadway shows,

Theatre Under The Stars,...hell, we did it all! Together! For the first

time!"

"Can I stop you long enough to ask if Mark was in love with you or

was he just wrapped up in a world of new things?

"I honestly believe Mark loved me, the reason being that Mark told

me that, before we met, he was always very selective in his sex

partners. You see, Mark just couldn't or rather I should say, wouldn't go

to bed just for the physical side of sex. He had to experience the

emotional side of love making, otherwise he didn't enjoy it."

"But you said that you and Mark went to bed together on your first

date. How could he possibly have developed such a strong feeling for you in

just a matter of minutes or hours?"

"That's how I knew he loved me. Something happened, and I don't

going beyond his two drink limit. We just clicked! I felt it and I had

drunk far less than he. I was practically sober. When I was just a kid, a

gay man told me that I could search the world over and go to bed thousands

of times with thousands of guys, but one day I would meet that

'someone'...many refer to it as finding your soulmate...and I'd just know

right away...out of instinct that 'that's him' and if it's right, he feels

it too, at the same moment."

"So, what happened?"

"I guess while you were looking around my apartment, you were

probably wondering how I could afford all this. Really, wealth is all I've

ever known. My father had money, lots of it from his parents, and he

married my mother, who actually had more money than he. You know...money

seeds money breeds money. I was the only product of their breeding. When I

was around twelve years old, my parents had gotten tired of each

other. They were bored...and so they split off in different directions. In

the divorce settlement, neither of them asked for money from the

other. Each had all he needed. The only thing left undecided wasn't who

gets custody of the kid...me...Actually, it was more like who doesn't want

to get stuck raising a teenager? So off to boarding school I go. A year

later when I turned thirteen and reached puberty, I learned what it's like

to go to a boy's academy. Boy/boy sex everywhere...in the showers, in the

dorms, in the toilets...everywhere! What's more, I loved it. I loved it so

much, it didn't occur to me to have a girlfriend. I'd never had one and

suddenly I didn't need one, I knew I'd NEVER have one. When I was eighteen,

I had my semi-annual visit with my dad...oh, by the way, he lost and got

custody of me. He told me to pick out any college so long as it was not

near him. A year later, after I'd flunked out by ignoring my classes and

paying more attention to the track team or the swimming team---I think I

serviced all of them at one time or another --- I came home to see my

father with my tail tucked between my legs and asked, 'What now,

pop?'. Realizing I could become a burden on him, he had me meet with his

lawyer and set up a bottomless trust fund. Whenever my account balance

dropped below a certain level, the bank was instructed to restore my

balance no matter how much I spent, so long as I didn't hang around at

home. In other words, I was paid to stay away. Today, I have as much money

in the bank as I did when I was eighteen. If I want to buy a new car or a

ticket to Timbuktu, I know that whatever it costs will be replaced in my

account the next day. Then one day out of the blue, I got a call from

Switzerland. My mother, whom I hadn't seen in over ten years...hell, I

didn't even know she was alive...or where she was...anyway, one of her

'boyfriends' called to say she was in a Hospice in Switzerland...some kind

of cancer...and some priest had convinced her that if she died, she was

doomed for hell if she didn't make amends with her one and only

child...me!"

"And so you went to Switzerland to see your mother?"

"Like a little terrier who's lost his 'mommy' in a big shopping

mall, I flew to Europe and rushed to her bedside...only the cunt didn't

have cancer. She had a non-curable illness...the kind you find in the

bottom of a vodka bottle. She wasn't dying...no priest had talked with

her...all lies! She was drunk and wanted to see her long-lost son."

"Mark didn't go with you?"

"No, I'm sure he wanted to...but I didn't want him to see my

mother. I didn't want anyone to interfere with Mark's and my

relationship. I told him I'd fly to Switzerland, rush to her bedside, give

her a hug and fly right back to Atlanta."

"And you didn't...?"

"No, I...I'd never seen Switzerland and decided to stay a few

days...climb an Alp, milk a goat and make some cheese, learn how to yodel,

eat a bunch of chocolates...silly shit. I talked with Mark five times a day

made excuses for remaining longer. Then a twist of fate grabbed me on my

fourth day there. One of my mother's boyfriends found her dead with a huge

gash on the back of her head."

"My God...!"

"The Swiss police came to investigate her death and decided it was

not accidental, but that someone had murdered her. I, being the only heir

of a wealthy American woman, became the natural suspect, so I was arrested

and detained by the Swiss magistrate. I wasn't guilty. Hell, why would I

kill the bitch? I hardly knew her and I had enough money of my own...I

didn't need any of hers even if I was designated in her will...which she

had never made. I was allowed one phone call per day and I had to choose

whether to call my lover, Mark, or contact my dad's lawyer to get me out of

the fucking mess. Two months later, one of my mother's boyfriends confessed

and I was exonerated and allowed to come back to the U.S. I flew non-stop

from Zurich to Atlanta and rushed to see Mark and hold him in my

arms...only when I got home...Mark wasn't here."

"Had he moved in with Steve?"

"It took me nearly a week to find him. I hadn't seen him in over a

month and when I DID see him, I hardly recognized him. He had lost weight

and looked extremely ill. At that time, he hadn't been diagnosed with Hep

C, he assumed he had HIV and that I...I had given it to him. Suddenly I

believed him. I wasn't sick, but I could be a carrier and could have given

him the virus without suspecting that I had it. I rushed to my own doctor

and had every blood test imaginable done and all the results---every last

one of them---came back negative. I was as healthy as an Olympic athlete. I

ran back to Mark and showed him the reports and I guess he resented me

because I was well and he wasn't. He kept me at a distance from him, no

hugs, no kissing, no sex, that's for sure, not so much as a

handshake. Finally, I convinced him to go see MY doctor. Maybe he didn't

have HIV...there was no reason for him to have it. I thought...or even

prayed that he had some kind of cancer which could be treated or even

cured."

"And did he go...?"

"Yes, that's when he found out about the hepatitis. He asked my

doctor how contagious he was...and was told, he was very much so. He could

give it to anyone with whom he had physical contact...or anyone who touched

anything he had touched...such as a glass, a fork, anything. He felt he had

become a 'typhoid Mary'...only he was a 'hep C. Mark'! The doctor

recommended starting him on an Interferon regimen and lots of vitamins and

liver supplements and Mark asked if he would still be contagious. My doctor

told him, 'probably'. Mark opted not to get any treatment at all...and he

turned against me. He shouted he never wanted to see me again and to get

out of his life. I guess he loved me too much to want to see me get hep C

from him. He went back to Steve's and became a shut-in...a hermit. With his

diagnosis, it was easy to apply and get SSI and Medicare approved. Steve

helped him with that, just to help pay the rent. I was destroyed---I loved

Mark so much and he never wanted to see me again...and so I was heartbroken

and vanished from his life. What had transpired between us remained between

the two of us and I got the reputation of being a shit for walking out of

Mark's life to let him die alone. No one ever knew that I was just

following his wish...the last thing he asked of me. So I took the blame and

disappeared. You might not believe this...but I remained faithful to him

completely."

"Yeah?...What about a few minutes ago?...was that being faithful?"

"David, I swear to God, you are the only person I've touched since

I left Mark."

"That's difficult to believe. I mean, why now, and why with me?"

"Jesus Christ! Can't you see what happened? Ever since I saw you in

the drugstore, I've felt that Mark had come back into my life. You're the

spitting image of him. I...I didn't have sex with you...you became Mark

when I saw you naked. I wanted to have him again, to hold him, to...to

devour him. I...I couldn't control myself. I've sat here and yearned for

him until I could barely stand it, wanting him back, and when I saw

you...he WAS back..."

"Then it wasn't I, that you..."

"NO, David, it wasn't you..."

"Dear God, I WANT to believe you, but......" He was interrupted

when Randy turned wiolently toward him. "David, I want to know why you

kissed me!"

"I don't know. I really wanted to kill you."

"I almost wish you had...but you didn't! Why?"

"I can't explain what happened! I know I shouldn't tell you this,

but an hour before you came to pick me up, I found myself in Thad's arms

and he kissed me. I was so upset at the incident that I almost went into

Thad's bathroom and slit my wrists with his razor."

"Is it so horrible that some homosexual feeling might have suddenly

manifested itself?"

"You mean was I frightened that I might be gay and didn't know it?"

"Apparently it's some feeling you've been hiding from yourself. I

mean, I've given many straight guys blow jobs before, but you're the first

one who ever kissed me afterwards."

"Oh, God! I'm so confused!"

"When Thad kissed you, did you feel like killing HIM or hitting him

at least?"

"NO...I became 'caught up' in the moment and found myself returning

his kiss...!"

"Why? What do you suppose that meant?"

"I...I justified my action, by telling myself I was emulating

Mark. I felt that's what HE would've done...the way he would have reacted."

"Does that explain why you kissed me...you were emulating Mark

again?"

"I don't know. There was something in your eyes when I had my hands

around your throat. You became something or someone Mark loved and I

couldn't hurt Mark's love. I had to love it as he would've."

"David, look at me. How do you feel now? Guilty? Or glad you did

what you did?"

"I'm not sure. It's like when Thad held me in his arms, it was

something I needed desperately. I wanted a man to hold me. I...I'm engaged

to marry a girl named Jenny, back home...but I'm sure I wouldn't have had

the same feeling had it been she and not Thad holding me. I did some

remedial soul-searching and realized that never once in my life had my dad

ever held me. I'd never had or felt the love of a man...which even straight

guys are supposed to feel or at least know about."

"David, I'm not old enough for you to think I'm your dad...neither

is Thad!"

"No, but you're Mark's age. I never held Mark in my arms, not

ever."

"I think your books would define your action as a brotherly

transference. So what's next? I mean, what do you want to do? As I said, I

can drive you back to Thad's...?"

"I'm almost afraid to face him. I mean, what if he kisses me again

and wants to go further, the way you did? I'd almost become a

hetero-slash-gay whore."

"Sex between two consenting males doesn't make either of them a

whore."

"Who says it's consensual? I didn't agree to have sex with you OR

with Thad."

"You didn't stop me..."

"I sure as hell tried..."

"Only at first, I could feel when you stopped resisting and gave

into me."

"Hell, in spite of being so gross...I've got at admit it WAS

pleasurable."

"You liked it then?"

"Maybe...I mean, who can say 'no' during the middle of an orgasm?

Jerry Falwell, maybe..."

"That holy queen? Isn't he from Virginia?"

"Lynchburg."

"He was probably sucking his father's dick when he was conceived in

his mother's womb. Nobody, not even you, can feel so strongly about

something without knowing just a little bit about it...I'm referring to

cocksucking."

"When I go home, maybe I'll stop by and tell him there's someone in

Atlanta he should come visit!"

"Send him down. Somebody here will convert him!"

David's tension had eased and he found that he could laugh at

Randy's remark.

"I...I'm feeling better now, now that I have a better idea about

why I felt as I did."

"You, uh, still haven't told me where you want me to take you?

Thad's or a hotel?"

"I'm not sure."

"Listen, you know I have a spare bedroom, WITH a lock on the door,

by the way. If you want to stay here, I'll even run out and buy a chain

lock or deadbolt to make you safe from me."

David thought for a minute. "You do have more room than Thad...and

God knows, it's cleaner..."

"Wanna stay?...I'll thaw some steaks or a couple of lobster tails

and we can eat in."

"All my clothes are at Thad's."

"You mean your spare overalls, plaid shirts, and straw hat?"

"Now, my clothes are not that bad."

"Go into my bedroom and open up my closet and find anything you

want...your size, but my taste. I'm going to get you living in the

twenty-first century somehow."

"All right, then."

"After dinner, we can go to a show, visit a club, or stay home and

watch a DVD. I'll bet you've never seen hi-def with five-point-one stereo,

have you?"

"God, how I wish I could say, 'yes', but no, I haven't!"

"Figures..."

"You're an asshole! What did my brother see in you?"

"It's more like, what did I see in him...? Now go pick out

something hot out of my closet to wear for dinner. I'll go turn on the CD

and play something nice."

"I can hardly wait to see what you call 'nice' music."

"Y'know, I might surprise you..."

"I hope not, I can't stand many more of your surprises. The last

one almost crippled me."

"Scoot!"

David went into the bedroom to find something suitable to

wear...suitable, that is, to meet Randy's approval. From the living room,

he heard a quiet musical intro, followed by a female voice, singing

quietly,

'You ask me why? Well...

as I remember him, he had a gentle way.

He was so bright of mind, I can't find words to say.

He turned the darkest day into a world of gold.

He made things younger when they were growing old.

As I remember him, he was a loving man.

I knew it well because, where he was, life began.

And if you knew him, you would understand just why.

As I remember him, I cry."

David stopped searching for clothes and walked back into living

room to listen to the lyrics more intently. Randy came out of the kitchen

to listen as well. The two guy's eyes met and locked as the music brought

tears to both their eyes.

"And though I loved the boy for such a little while,

It was so wonderful.

It was so beautiful.

As I remember him, I smile." ***

"Mark?" David asked.

"Uh huh..." replied Randy, choking back a tear.

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After dropping David off at Thad's, Chris had thoughts of David in

his mind the rest of the day. Being honest with himself, Chris did a lot of

thinking about David the night after Chris was in his bed. He didn't allow

himself to go into fantasizing about Mark's older brother to the point of

masturbating, but trying to go to sleep with a full erection did present a

problem for Chris.

David had admitted to Chris that he had slept in the same bed with

Thad, but denied emphatically that anything had transpired between

them. Chris wanted to believe David, but he also knew Thad had enough charm

and charisma to make a nun join him in adultery. He also suspected that

David would be long gone back to Virginia before Thad came to confession

and only then, would Chris know the truth. Chris questioned himself, 'the

truth about what? I can't be interested in David. I'm a priest...his

deceased brother's priest. David is straight, so why is this bothering me

so?'.

Shortly after high school let out for the day, Tommy, Jeff, and

Andy arrived to help with the evening Buggy meal. Tonight's menu would be

simple, spaghetti with meat sauce or plain tomato sauce, depending on the

recipient's diet or preference; a lettuce salad, consisting of nothing more

than just plain lettuce with no other vegetables and a basic vinaigrette

dressing with a dash of mustard and garlic salt. The Pig's Oink Supermarket

had had a sale on its own brand of popsicles which took care of the

dessert. The drink was nearly always iced tea...with or without sugar or

aspartame. The Supermarket had been generous enough to supply the Buggy

meals with loaves of two-day old French and Italian breads.

Chris made the meat sauce while Tommy and Jeff boiled the water for

spaghetti and made the tea. Andy sliced the bread and squirted liquid

artificial margarine on each slice and gave each one a dash of garlic salt

to complete the suggestion of a continental meal. There were over

one-hundred fifty meals to prepare for the evening run...many were multiple

stops at places which housed more than one receiver. The priest and his

three Buggy helpers should be finished by 7- or 7:30PM.

Chris loved his boys. He was aware of the bond between Tommy and

Jeff and often looked to see if Andy felt left out of the trio. But the

three did everything together until bedtime. Chris was no fool; he knew

that Tommy and Jeff were more than likely having sex at night, but either

they were lying or simply were ashamed to confess their nightly shenanigans

to a friend at confession. Chris didn't try to stress them out into telling

the truth. Even though the Church had never accepted homosexuality, neither

boy was required to be celibate and the two sparked fond memories of Chris'

youth before he had taken his final vows.

Steve's was among the last stops on the route and how Chris wished

that David had chosen to stay with Steve. Again, he had no reason to doubt

David's word about nothing happening at Thad's, but Chris was confident

that David would be much safer with Steve, considering Steve had advanced

AIDS.

The boys liked going to Steve's. They loved to hear his sarcasm

over the nightly menu. Often, one or all three would make an excuse to go

back to the station wagon for the chance of laughing out loud as they

didn't want to see Chris' facial reaction to Steve's caustic remarks.

Even though David had spent little time at Steve's, Steve missed

him and he didn't mind using his wry wit to express how he felt about David

staying at Thad's. He asked Chris before leaving, "Do you suppose David is

now Thad's deputy and the two of them are off riding to the 'old north

forty' to wrangle some rustlers?"

Chris wanted to agree, but thought better of it. Why suggest even a

hint of Steve's jealousy in front of his Buggy assistants? "I...I hope the

two of them are finding comfort in their time of sorrow," Chris said,

sounding like a wise old patriarch of the church.

"Knowing Thad as I do...or rather as I USED to know him, I'm sure

Thad has presented more pain than comfort to David."

Chris was aware of Steve's reference to Thad's size, but played his

'fatherly' role to the hilt. "They were both in a lot of emotional pain

when I saw them last."

"And I'm sure Thad has more than ample emotional pain

medication..." Steve retorted as Andy, Jeff, and Tommy caught on to Steve's

direct malicious indication and the three almost burst into laughter, but

headed for the door before Chris could see them.

"Well, Steve, it looks like my gang wants to get home early, so

I'll leave you and let you enjoy your meal."

"Are you sure you don't want to give me my last rites before I take

the first bite? I heard several ambulance sirens going in the direction

from which you were coming when you arrived." He looked at his spaghetti

sauce. "Are they bottling ptomaine now? Do you call this ptomaineto sauce?"

"Steve, my friend, you're a dear and you're fun to visit. You're

just what I need at the end of my day. You always manage to give me a good

laugh."

"What's funny? When you began delivering meals to me months ago, I

stopped saying a blessing before I ate. Now I just raise my hand like the

Baptists in a revival and shout, "Morituri te salutamus!"...which means..."

"You clown! I know my Latin or did you forget?"

"Oh, that's right...you ARE a priest."

"And you're one of my favorite people."

"My, my, after all this time, you still want my body!"

"I'm more interested in your soul, Steve."

"Didja ever try fucking one?...OH! You said, "SOUL! I thought you

said my..."

"Good night, Steve...see ya tomorrow," Chris laughed as he went out

the door to take his boys home.

The three young men were sitting in the car waiting on Chris when

he reached them. He started the station wagon and they were off. The first

stop was at the Lawrence house where Tommy and Jeff got out, leaving Andy

alone with Chris.

"Father Chris?" Andy spoke up.

"Yes, Andy?"

"Is Steve dying?"

"Andy, we're ALL dying...a bit each day."

"I mean, how sick IS Steve?"

"You know about his illness, don't you?"

"Sure, he has AIDS..."

"That doesn't necessarily mean he's ready to die. Twenty years ago,

the answer would have been 'yes', but we have treatment and medicines now

with new ones being discovered almost daily."

"But there's no real cure or vaccine. is there?"

"It depends on how you define, 'cure'! There's no cure for the

common cold, but when you get one...it doesn't kill you, does it?"

"No..."

"We treat colds just like we treat HIV or AIDS. A person can get

better and live a long happy life...as for a vaccine? Not yet...or at least

we don't know of one. The best vaccine for HIV and AIDS is education and

prevention."

"Prevention? Like not having sex at all?"

"I didn't say that. Prevention is a way of saying, 'not to let

something happen'. Sex is part of life and God meant for a person to enjoy

it...but it means doing it safely."

"My dad said that the Church doesn't believe in people using

condoms. How can a Catholic have safe sex without a rubber?"

"That's where knowing your partner comes into place. The Church

also frowns on premarital sex. However, in the world that teens are raised

in today, virginity is becoming more nonexistent, in spite of the Church's

teachings."

"I'm a virgin."

"I'm proud to hear that, Andy."

"What about you? Were you a virgin before you became a priest?"

"That's something I can't or won't discuss."

"Then you weren't, were you?"

"You're assuming too much by my denial."

"Can I ask you something that's not personal?"

"Sure."

"Why does the Church hate gay people?"

"Who told you that?"

"My dad."

"The Church doesn't hate gay people. The Church doesn't hate anyone

for that matter. The Church just hates some of the things gay people do."

"What if I were gay? Would I go to hell?"

"I somehow doubt it. There's always time to confess your sins as a

rule."

"You mean someone could be gay and do gay things, confess at the

last minute and still go to heaven?"

"Probably..."

"Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better...although I won't tell my

dad what you said."

"Please don't." Turning to face him directly, Chris asked, "Andy,

do you feel as though you are gay?"

"I don't date girls."

"How old are you?"

"Eighteen."

"And you've never had a date or a sweetheart?"

"Nope. I guess you kinda noticed Jeff and Tommy don't date girls

either."

"I...I really hadn't noticed. I'm not aware what the three of you

do at school, after we get through at night, or on weekends."

"Father, I'm not in confession now, so please don't quote me, but

Tommy and Jeff are in love...I mean REALLY in love."

"Oh...?"

"I wish I had someone as they do. They have each other."

"Are you saying that you're lonely?"

"Lonely? So bad that I ache."

"You'll find someone soon, I'm sure. Maybe when you go to college."

"I doubt it. I've lived my whole life without having someone and I

don't see my life changing."

"You've never had a crush on anyone?"

"Sure, a few times..."

"And you never pursued your crush?"

"No, everyone I had a crush on always had somebody else. I would

give up everything I have to be like Jeff or Tommy. I'm sure that when they

go to bed, they hold each other. Me? I hold my pillow. I even gave my

pillow a name."

"Do you mind telling me your pillow's name?"

"You won't say anything, will you?"

"Have I ever revealed anything you told me in confession?"

"Not that I know of."

"Well, then..."

"I call my pillow Kevin."

"That's a boy's name."

"I know."

"You pretend your pillow is a boy?"

"I have, for a long time."

"You know, I slept with my teddy bear until I was thirteen, Andy."

"You're kidding?"

"No...but I've just told YOU a secret, so don't tell anyone what I

said."

"Did your teddy bear have a name?"

"Billy...Billy Bear."

"That's a boy's name, too."

"I know."

"Then while you were growing up, you pretended you were sleeping

with a boy?"

"Not really a boy...it was a bear...a boy bear named Billy."

"Hmm..."

"What does 'hmm' mean?"

"Nothing really...I'm not accusing you of ANYTHING, but there ARE a

lot of gay priests."

"Just like there are a lot of gay doctors, gay lawyers, teachers,

construction workers, truck drivers..."

"I wasn't saying that you ARE, I..."

"With all the scandals about priests molesting altar boys,

practically everyone suspects all priests are gay. The fact that we take a

vow of celibacy and don't get married makes all of us suspicious."

"I...I had a crush on you once!"

"Are you serious or are you just joshing me?"

"Serious as a train wreck."

"How long ago was that?"

"Not long...not long at all."

"You never confessed that to me."

"I don't believe everyone confesses everything."

"Don't tell anyone, but I'm sure of that."

"I mean, not telling isn't lying."

"No."

"And if I had a crush on you and you never knew about it, what

difference did it make."

"As long as we're conversing outside the confessional, I guess I

should say I'm flattered. I would think anyone would get some pleasure

knowing that a person such as yourself had a crush on him...or her."

"I hope I didn't offend you or anything."

"You didn't...but may I ask when your crush on me ended?"

"I'm not sure that it did end."

"On that note, I think we'd better end this conversation and change

the subject."

"I'm sorry...I REALLY am. I should never have told you."

"I'm glad that you did, but we won't talk of it again. All right?"

"Just because I won't talk about it doesn't change the way I

feel..."

"Then you must fight that feeling. It will only cause you

despair. Even if I weren't a priest, you and I could never have a

relationship. In spite of my personal beliefs, it's forbidden by the

church."

"Father, don't you ever get lonely?"

"Andy, I asked you to change the subject."

"I will, but I got to say one final thing."

"If it's the final thing, then go ahead and say it and we'll never

mention it again...ever!"

"All right...here goes...I...I love you, Father."

"ANDY! THAT'S ENOUGH! Please don't say another word until we get to

your house!"

"Okay, I won't!"

They had nearly ten blocks of silence before Chris parked his car

in front of Andy's house. The tension was so heavy inside the car, Chris

thought he would smother before he reached their destination. Andy, he

knew, was filled with guilt and embarrassment. Andy wasn't sure what had

prompted him to divulge the secret in his heart which had been in repose

for many agonizing months. In a way, he was glad that someone finally

knew. He'd revealed personal things which he could tell no one, not even

Jeff or Tommy, his best friends.

Once the car stopped, Chris and Andy avoided looking at the

other. Andy had his back toward Chris as he said good night. Chris didn't

turn to look at Andy, but kept his eyes straight ahead as he echoed, "Good

night, Andy."

Years ago, Chris had seen a sci-fi movie where at the end, the car,

driven by the hero, drove straight into a darkness and disappeared...never

to return again. Then the credits began to roll. After Andy exited the car,

Chris longed to find that same darkness and keep on going into eternity or

wherever the road led. Jesus! Why had Chris let the conversation get out of

hand and go beyond the point of no return? Why did Andy choose this night

to expose thoughts that should never have been revealed? Worse yet, how

could an eighteen year old boy be in love with a twenty-six-old

priest...well, almost twenty-seven?

Chris hands were shaking as he placed them on the steering

wheel. He felt beads of sweat popping out in his palms, on his forehead,

the back of his neck... Chris had wondered for two days if he was feeling

lust for David and suddenly the cards were turned; he found himself the

object of a teenager's lust! Where in the name of God was that road that

led into total darkness?

<><><><><>

At the same time that Chris was about to have a nervous breakdown,

in a shabbier part of Atlanta, an anxious detective sat wondering where in

hell was David? Why hadn't he called? His luggage was where he left it in

Thad's living room and Thad was worried...really worried.

Thad had completed all his tasks concerning Alex's arrangements. He

first went to the coroner's office and illegally signed the document which

would release Alex's body to Felix and also gave permission for Alex's

cremation. His 'friend' at the coroner's who had assisted Thad with the

falsification xeroxed all the forms for Thad to give to Felix.

Felix's mortuary was next and Thad had to experience Felix's

nonsensical sales pitch rigmarole about choosing the proper urn to hold the

ashes. It was the identical spiel Felix tried to present to Chris and

David. Thad didn't buy into Felix's sales speech, so twice in one day,

Felix's attempt to make extra profit was foiled. He would now have to

charge some rich schnook triple on the next coffin Felix sold to ease his

loss. Thad wanted to take out his revolver and shoot a hole in Felix head

on general principles. Thad hated closet queens, especially old virgin

closet queens...the kind that made heteros call queers, faggots.

After he left Felix's, Thad hurried home hoping to see David. He'd

try anyway, EVERY way to make amends. Thad was indeed sorry about the

kiss. He swore he'd rather shoot himself than embarrass David as well as

himself that way. Shit! David would be gone in a couple of days so why fuck

up the guy's life. After all, David had said numerous times that he was

straight. So why couldn't Thad accept David's word and just let matters be?

What would Alex have thought if he knew Thad had behaved so foolishly? What

would Mark have said if he knew Thad had made a play for his brother? Thad

had made a fucking mess of everything and somehow, some way, he had to

rectify his action.

Now, where the fuck was David? Was he still angry? He had every

right to be, Thad realized. David was supposed to go off with Randy for a

drink. Jesus! What could have happened between them? Another kiss?

Something worse? Anybody could fall for those long lashes of Randy's. David

talked as if he could be attracted to Randy. Randy had probably taken David

to a bar and bought him too many drinks...enough to lower David's

inhibition and was probably at his house or apartment fucking the daylights

out of David's straight ass. Thad cursed and vowed that if Randy had taken

advantage of David, he'd kill him on the spot and plant a 'throw down'

pistol in Randy's hand. Randy, the pretty boy, with the pretty looks,

pretty body, and pretty nine or ten inch dick! Someone should have shot

Randy long ago...right after he ditched Mark. He should have died that

night!

Thad felt no hunger in spite of having missed dinner. It was

11:00PM. There was still no word, no phone call, no message, or no

appearance of David since Thad had left him in early afternoon. Thad had

reached an emotional point beyond being frantic and he knew it was silly

perhaps to worry about the whereabouts of an almost total

stranger. Practically everyone he'd ever met had just been a swift

encounter...one-night stands, unknown faces meeting and leaving quickly

after an hour or two. Except for the brief relationship with Alex, no one

had ever mattered to Thad for a long period of time. He had known David for

a little over twenty-four hours, but David's unexplained absence was

driving Thad mad.

It was a part of a detective's job to search for a missing person,

but in the past it meant looking for someone he didn't know or really care

about. Why should this be different? Was it the fact that David had spurned

his advances? THIS was something Thad wasn't used to! He was always the

dominator. He set the rules of engagement. No one had ever said 'no' to him

and no one had EVER walked out on him. Was it more like a bruise to Thad's

ego and masculine pride? Feelings of remorse or guilt were not in his

personal catalog of emotions, but Thad was sincerely contrite concerning

the kiss with David and the conversation which followed.

It was stupid to consider filing a 'missing person' report. David

wasn't really missing. If Thad were to get into his car to look for David,

where would he begin? Randy's place? And what if Thad were to find David

there, then what? Would David think Thad was stalking him? That would only

make matters worse. But what if Randy had gotten David inebriated and was

taking advantage of David sexually, with or without David's consent? Was

that evidence to arrest Randy? They were both adults and could have legal

consensual sex...but David would never consent! Would he? God damn it! Why

couldn't David come back and at least pick up his clothes and gear? Was he

unable to? That was the key to the mystery that puzzled Thad the

most. Surely David wouldn't agree of his own sober volition to spend the

night with the pretty boy! David had to be or MUST be in some trouble or

danger.

There was really nothing more Thad could do other than just

wait...and that he did! He waited for David until 3:00AM when he finally

dropped to off sleep on his dusty divan.

<><><><><><><><>

When Andy Thompson went into his house after his talk with Father

Chris, he remained in a quiet mood, barely noticing his parents. His mom

was used to serving Andy a late dinner, as he usually arrived home about

the same time every night after the Buggy meal evening run. Andy's dad,

Todd, was very proud of his son. Todd was a huge supporter of St. Thaddeus

church,both spiritually and financially. Todd felt that the money he gave

was an investment in a reward he would receive in the next world.

Todd had been very instrumental in 'volunteering' his son's

services to assist Father Chris with the mission meals. Andy actually felt

he had no choice but to comply with his father's wish. In a way, Andy was

glad to have something to do to get him out of the house and be with other

people and get closer to his best friends, Jeff and Tommy...not to mention

that he found his mentor, Father Chris, very attractive.

This night, however, Andy passed the dining room and went down the

hall to the bathroom, passing both his and his parents' bedrooms. Often

Andy had a hard day at school and a long tiring trip delivering meals, so

when he appeared to skip his own meal, neither of his parents thought

anything odd about it.

Leaving the bathroom, Andy went directly to his own room and closed

the door. The three prime time shows were beginning on the television, so

Marcia and Todd settled down in the living room to watch their favorite

Tuesday evening TV fare, "NCIS", "House" and "Law and Order: SVU". After

the "House" episode, Marcia went into the kitchen to dish out bowls of

Starbuck's Mud Pie Ice Cream for her husband and herself. She walked down

and tapped on Andy's door to offer him a dish, but Andy didn't

answer. Marcia assumed Andy had gotten tired after doing his homework and

dropped off to sleep. Then she hurried back to the living room with two

dishes of ice cream to see the crime which was always committed during the

first three minutes of "SVU".

Both were huge fans of Mariska Hargitay and Marcia couldn't keep

her eyes off Chris Meloni ever since she had seen him playing many nude

scenes in the HBO series, "OZ". Chris had played a homosexual convict with

a convict lover and the two had had many kissing and simulated sex

scenes. Seeing Chris perform oral sex on Lee Tergersen disgusted Todd, but

he watched and accepted the scenes as being part of the prison-life

reality. Marcia would never reveal that she liked "OZ" with a prurient eye

to see all the male penises.

The eleven o'clock news came on the Atlanta NBC affiliate and Todd

watched the headlines while Marcia went back to the kitchen to rinse out

the two empty bowls. Todd switched off the TV at 11:15; turned out the

lights and he and Marcia went to bed.

Todd undressed down to his boxers and t-shirt and got into

bed. Marcia went into the bathroom to take off her makeup; moisturize her

face; and put on her gown, negligeé, and slippers. She brushed her teeth

and opened the medicine cabinet to take her one nightly pill.

Suddenly puzzled, she went to the bedroom and asked, "Todd, I

thought you picked up my Seconal prescription."

"I did, honey. I put it in the chest right beside your nearly empty

bottle when I came home from work this afternoon."

"That's strange, I thought I had one more caplet in the old bottle,

but it's empty and there's no full bottle where you said you put it."

"Marcia, I'm certain that I put it there. I'm sure because I placed

my Preparation H suppositories on the shelf above your pills."

"Todd, would you mind coming into the bathroom and take a look. My

pills are not there."

"Oh, all right...but I KNOW I can find them."

Todd followed his wife into the bathroom and her sleeping pills

were not where he had put them. "Marcia, I swear to you..."

Suddenly, the same thought hit their minds at the same moment.

"You don't think...?" Marcia asked with trepidation.

"Of course not, but we might check...just in case..."

The couple almost raced from the bathroom to Andy's bedroom and

Todd knocked rather loudly on Andy's door.

"ANDY!"

No answer. Todd knocked louder.

"ANDY! PLEASE OPEN YOUR DOOR!"

Still no answer and Todd tried to turn the doorknob. Andy's door

was locked.

"ANDY! IF YOU DON'T OPEN YOUR DOOR, I'M GONNA KNOCK IT DOWN!!!"

After the third silence, Marcia said, "Go ahead, Todd, break it

down...something is wrong!"